Hello. I have a father with BPD, Parents are going through a divorce.

[BrightEyedBritt]

Hello,

I'm dealing with my father who after doing research I have discovered has highly invisible BPD and narcissistic personalty disorder.

I'm 28 years old. My mom who has dealt with him all these years has finally decided to divorce him. I always thought my dad was psychotic and had issues. Two personalties. I barley have a personal relationship with him. Our conversations have been superficial and very brief, and in fact growing up I would do anything to avoid actually connecting with him because I was afraid of him.

He runs a company, in fact he's the boss and is "thought of very highly" by everyone, except his family. He use to threaten my mom with divorce, he would use whatever fear he could throw at her to control her. But now my mom has taken stand against him and it has only shown me just how far he will go to gain control. He's delusional and very mean with his tactics. Although the abuse has never been physical, he mentally and verbally abuses us.

I am the oldest, I have a younger sister. Growing up I had to protect my mom in arguments when he would belittle her and basically put her in a corner. I am use to being the "strong" one in my family, but while going through this divorce process it has weighed very heavily on me. My mom would reach out to me for support so I knew way more than a child should know about her parents relationship.

My dad grew up in a very abusive family himself and his father killed himself when he was 18. Thats basically all I know. I did not grow up knowing any of my fathers family except my grandma. I know my dad had demons he never healed from, and at this point he feels nothing is wrong with him. Everything is wrong with everyone else.

I have always felt that my family dynamic was a black hole and I was the only one keeping my head above sinking. My mom has addiction problems, self esteem issues, depression. My sister has self esteem issues, depression. And I? Well I don't really know what I have, I guess a lot of anger right now. I'm angry at my mom and my dad, even though the anger I have towards my mom is much softer. I understand she did what she thought was right, even though I don't agree with it.

In fact, I have created a pretty good life for myself. I work jobs that I enjoy, I have hobbies that make me happy. I am single and have experienced a lot of heartbreak through out my entire 20's never really finding any man I can trust. I seem to attract men who don't want commitment, when in reality that's all I have ever wanted.

But going through all of this, the past 3 months have been brutal on me emotionally. My dad has lied, and has said words he hope will hurt. It makes me incredibly sad.

I decided to write this tonight because well, I'm feeling so lost and alone. My sister and I have unfortunately never been close, and I feel she has a lot of sister rivalry in her. She always feels like I am out to get her. We have been able to bond a little closer through all of this, but the moment you tell her something she doesn't agree with she cries and gets very defensive. Its hard to have a realistic conversation with her.

My mom, she's still communicating with my dad. The divorce continues but I worry for her. Plus she makes bad decisions along the way which only frustrates me.

In my life, I have felt that whenever I try to express my feelings and thoughts I am shunned. My sister, my mom, my dad are all so much more unstable that I don't get to be. I don't get to be sad, angry. I have to be strong, thats it. When in reality I know that I may be strong, and I am strong, but I'm sad, really sad too.

[Turkish]

Hi BrightEyedBritt,



This sounds like a heavy burden to you... .perhaps feeling responsible for the feelings of others who aren't dealing with their own feelings (as they should be of they were healthy).

What exactly do you worry about with your mom?

T

[heartandwhole]

Hi BrightEyedBritt,

I'd like to join Turkish and welcome you to the community. I'm sorry to hear of your parent's divorce. I can fully understand feeling sad. Not only about the divorce and the resulting change in the family dynamic, but for the many losses that you've endured in your life. 

You've found a great place for support here. Members understand what you are going through. You are not alone.

In my life, I have felt that whenever I try to express my feelings and thoughts I am shunned. My sister, my mom, my dad are all so much more unstable that I don't get to be. I don't get to be sad, angry. I have to be strong, thats it. When in reality I know that I may be strong, and I am strong, but I'm sad, really sad too.

I hear that you are sad, and that is a very normal reaction to what you are going through. I can relate very much to your above statement. And it really hurts sometimes. On the other hand, I'm so grateful to have the strength and inner stability to make it through some of the things I've been through. Do you feel the same?

What do you think is the best course of action for you right now, BEB? You need as much support as your parents and sister right now.

heartandwhole

[Panda39]

Hi BrightEyedBritt,

Welcome to the BPD Family  

I'm so glad you've found us we all have been there and "get it" you are not alone  

You've taken on alot dealing with your dad's behaviors but also your mom's, it sounds like instead of your parents taking care of you (emotionally), you have had to be the "strong" one and peacemaker, and caretaker to them.  It sounds like you see that you are in that role (all of us have some role in our family dynamics).  :)o you think you should be in this role?  Are their issues and happiness your responsibility?

I'm going to share a link about the Karpman Triangle do you see you and your parents on the triangle?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I'm dealing with my father who after doing research I have discovered has highly invisible BPD and narcissistic personalty disorder... .He runs a company, in fact he's the boss and is "thought of very highly" by everyone, except his family... .

I actually just wrote a post about having a Narcissistic Boss have you ever thought that his employees are being bullied by him?  My boss (now fired) used FOG (Fear (threats), Obligation (you owe me), Guilt (you let me down), made everything about her and basically slapped down any view that went against her's etc.  There was to be absolutely NO Criticism of her, everyone who wanted to keep their job had to tow the line.  One co-worker was caught speaking negatively about her and was taken in a room with her alone for an hour where our boss used intimidation on this employee... .repeatedly told her if she didn't like it here she could leave and if she spoke negatively about her again she would be fired. So what I'm getting at is your perception of your "very highly thought of" dad as boss may not always be the reality to the people working with him.

Below is more information on FOG, have you been experiencing this too?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I am single and have experienced a lot of heartbreak through out my entire 20's never really finding any man I can trust. I seem to attract men who don't want commitment, when in reality that's all I have ever wanted.

Sometimes the dysfunctions (and believe everyone has some dysfunction  ) in our FOO's (Family of Origin) create issues with who we attract. Yes, the other person who can't commit has issues but it does take two to tango.  What do you think that you are bringing to the dance? 

In my life, I have felt that whenever I try to express my feelings and thoughts I am shunned. My sister, my mom, my dad are all so much more unstable that I don't get to be. I don't get to be sad, angry. I have to be strong, thats it. When in reality I know that I may be strong, and I am strong, but I'm sad, really sad too.

When you express your feelings and thoughts you are not playing the role of strong caretaker for everyone else, you are stepping outside of your accepted role and you are being shunned or punished for trying to step out of the box your family has put you in.  Stepping out of the box is good for you but very uncomfortable to everyone else... .you are disrupting the status quo.  There is nothing wrong with you expressing your feelings and thoughts, I would argue that it is a good and healthy thing.

Have you ever considered Therapy?  It can be really helpful to get support and help to negotiate the kinds of things you are having to deal with?  We of course are here for peer support as well.  

I'm glad you decided to jump in and post, I'm sure other members will be along with more suggestions, support and ideas.

Take Care,
Panda39