Her memory still haunts me. Yet..

[Lost-love-mind]

3 months out from a short 2 mo. whirlwind romance with a BPD. Still ruminating.
I've read so much about the disorder and realize that ever trying to even have a friendship with the woman that broke my heart would be an exercise in futility.
Her emails a month ago claimed she never wants anything to do with me.
Recently, reading about "staring into the eyes" of each other and looking into each other souls, as the hook of the BPD. Plus, reading about the ability of a BPD to use their "gift" of perception to read someone reactions by looking into their eyes. Ironic since the bats tattooed on her tummy she claimed symbolized the "sonar" of perception in her life.
I still can't get over the hook.
Is it something the BPD does on purpose, knowing they will discard?
The reason I'm bewildered is because it was never about money. She never took a dime from me. She hesitated when I offered grocery money for cooking me great meals. The gifts I gave where never requested by her and she wrote me notes of appreciation.
I'm still trying to find an answer... .
There is a public event tonight that she might be at since it deals with a lecture topic regarding the man she idolized, the POTUS.
I thought about attending.
I'm still confused.

[sadboi]

you have found a great place to express your thoughts and engage while you ruminate!

People with BPd definitely do not enter relationships planning to discard. While it is characteristic for those with the disorder to have chaotic and unstable relationships that transition between idealization and devaluation, this is not something anyone would want or actively try to foster. The whole push and pull, hold tight then shove away that occurs tends to be the result of pain- coping mechanisms that are needed as a result of a fear of (imagined or real) abandonment.

My therapist and I have talked a lot about how people with BPD really do WANT to be able to have long-lasting, loving, healthy relationships (just like most people), but often times, depending on their stability level, this is not really possible. Their logic (and often illogic) is shaped by whatever emotion they are experiencing in that moment. So when devaluation occurs their emotions towards you is negative, and thus their entire perception of you is also negative.

As for going to the event, you have to decide if that will be best for you or nt. Will seeing her be too hard/triggering? If so, I would consider not going/at the very least having a plan for what you will do if you see her, and sticking to that. Are you No Contact? Do you want to be? set your own boundaries and then put them into practice.

Best of luck.

[Lost-love-mind]

She made it NC at the beginning.
I kept emailing and eventually filed a ppo after I left July 4th gifts on her front porch.
I emailed her after  back 2 mos apoligizing and she emailed me with vile insults calling me a loser for still caring.
It's now 3 mos and tonight's event would be something we would probably attend together.
My support person us telling me that I talk about her too much. She changed my life and my tastes.
I drink filtered water, I eat non_GMO and I like 9 inch nails music.
I miss the good parts of her. The pain and emotional stuff of the last week of our r/s have dissipated.
I'm hurting, AGAIN.

[Making sense]

She made it NC at the beginning.
I kept emailing and eventually filed a ppo after I left July 4th gifts on her front porch.
I emailed her after  back 2 mos apoligizing and she emailed me with vile insults calling me a loser for still caring.
It's now 3 mos and tonight's event would be something we would probably attend together.
My support person us telling me that I talk about her too much. She changed my life and my tastes.
I drink filtered water, I eat non_GMO and I like 9 inch nails music.
I miss the good parts of her. The pain and emotional stuff of the last week of our r/s have dissipated.
I'm hurting, AGAIN.

I feel the same about my ex wife. She was terrible to me, but she had the best sense of humor and made me laugh so hard. She influenced what I eat and drink, as well introduced me to new music as well. She was fun to be around. She became my very best friend, so now that we are in NC, I just wish we could talk without fighting. I just don't want to fight anymore and talk civily

[En1gma]

I was just dumped about a week ago after a 2 month relationship with someone I believe has strong BPD traits. The biggest shock was the sudden disconnect seemingly out of nowhere. It really had me questioning my own feelings and observations of where we were in the r/s vs reality. She told me "I'm just not the right person for her" she was chasing after me and wanting to be with me a week before that. So weird and surreal.

[SuperJew82]

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I completely understand how even a short-lived relationship with a pwBPD can have a such an impact on you. Mine was an accumulative year over two years ( lots of recycling ).

 One thing you can be assured of is that if you decide to walk away from this - you would be walking away from a Trump supporter, which will always be a healthy and responsible choice regardless of what psychological ailment she might have.

[Lost-love-mind]

SuperJew- the comment about POTUS is really uncalled for in this forum. We need to pull together to understand each other and the substance of our recovery.
POTUS was one of the draws of our attraction to each other, and the subject of many of the gifts I gave her.
Yesterday I read some interesting BPD articles and went back to thinking how much my behavior played in the breakup. However, one article pointed out the "nice guy" attributes will sometimes scare a BPD enough to pull away. Both her ex-husbands were musicians in an underground music venue know for its debauchery, including bondage.

 I always treated this woman with respect when we were together. Never raised my voice or was demeaning. However, the constant texting was frustrating, particularly in the last week when she kept pointing out my faults. She made up excuses to not take a phone call to talk.
I guess that led to momentary lapse of selfish behavior and I sent her an email "shaming" her for the exotic photos she sent me after sexting about domination positions.
Yikes!
I guess my conservative "nice guy" values were too much for an emotionally challenged woman from a past she merely called her "hippy days".
Talking this through has convinced me that while the sex would have been great with this BPD woman, the mental torture would have been worse.

[Lost-love-mind]

En1gma
2 mos. and a sudden breakup?
Maybe we dated the same woman?

[spacecadet]

One thing you can be assured of is that if you decide to walk away from this - you would be walking away from a Trump supporter, which will always be a healthy and responsible choice regardless of what psychological ailment she might have.

Wow LOL... .thanks for that  

[spacecadet]

Sorry Beezlecondui, for what you're going through. I don't know what to say about your event, use your best judgment as to whether the possibility of running into her again will set you back or not. If she's not in recovery and working on her issues, most likely if you reunite it would be more of the same.

Are there any activities, music, friends who you love enough, feel comfortable enough and/or are stimulating enough - without being self-destructive of course - that can help you take your mind off things? Having things you love to do with a passion, that really consume your attention, is very helpful, as are things that are comforting if you're in pain.

Hang in there 

[Lost-love-mind]

I guess I should have posted that I didn't attend the event. Decided my head would not be in the right place.
This anti-POTUS commentary is completely uncalled for and irrelevant to the discussion.

[Harley Quinn]

How are you doing now beezleconduit? 

Love and light x