My boyfriend "pushes" me away. Need advice.

[PeacefulCareBear]

I don't get him. He constantly pushes me away when I want our relationship to move forward. I love him but he's disappearing, than comes back and apologizes, says he's sorry and I miss you. Than once we get closer, he disappears and does it again. If I ever tell him I'm confused by his behavior and upset, he blows up and tells me he feels trapped. Than he'll come back. I'm not sure how long I can put up with this behavior. Finally told him that I'm leaving him alone but I know I'll hear from him once he comes back to his senses. His mother abandoned him at a very early age and I'm not trying to trap him. I love this man and want him to open up to me but he shuts off and runs anytime we get very close. He constantly says how he should be alone and he's very suspicious, cautious and anxious. He has very high anxiety and has hidden his depression by drug use and drinking. Not sure what's going on now since I'm not there but I'm confused. He loves me but hates me. He cares for me but pushes me away and he constantly thinks people are making fun of him when in reality there not. His sister also has borderline as well. I'm just not sure what to do anymore but I'm leaving him alone right now. I'm not looking to fight with him. I'm being as patient as possible with him. Sorry for rambling on here but no one else understands what's going on and I hope I can get support here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Hello PeacefulCareBear, welcome to our community!  I am sorry you are having a tough time in your relationship, but am glad you found us.  You are not alone in many of the experiences you described in your post.  In fact, my first introduction to BPD was a book called, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me," which immediately jumped into my mind when you described what is happening.  I think you'd find it a worthwhile read.  You'll also find a lot of helpful reading in the "LESSONS" thread at the top of this page.

How did you come to realize that BPD existed and that your boyfriend's behavior might fit the BPD pattern?

[Mutt]

Hi PeacefulCareBear  



I'd like to join Wentworth and welcome you to the family.

I completely understand how confusing and frustrating the behavior is even when you communicate to your partner that you're not going to abandon them.

he blows up and tells me he feels trapped.

There's a reason why he acts the way that he does, he doesn't understand, it helps to read as much as you can about the disorder. He's telegraphing that he feels engulfed, the closeness of a r/s make a pwBPD feel like their sense of sense is going to be annihilate and they push, he doesn't understand the behavior, how many people would understand their own pathology?

His mother abandoned him at a very early age and I'm not trying to trap him

I understand, I mentioned reading about BPD and becoming familiar with it, the behaviors are not personal to us, it's something that a pwBPD are going through, he would have to unlearn the behaviors in therapy, depersonalize the behaviors and become indifferent to them, you neither like it or hate it. Here's a really good article on fear of engulfment.
 
What does "fear of engulfment" mean?  
 

[PeacefulCareBear]

Thank you for both of your helpful advice. I can understand the abandonment issue since I was abused by my father and been in therapy since I was young. He's very sad when he mentions his mother. There's times he can be clingy and other times he's very distant and cold. He says things that don't make sense and I never know if I'll be on good terms or bad terms with him. He says I love you, than he'll say, I don't need you. I don't have to be with you.

When he's angry and I'm upset, he will feel bad and say, maybe I should just be alone... .I hug him. I'll kiss him and massage his shoulders. He gets stressed out and anytime he's stressed, I know I won't hear from him. It's little things I've picked up and gathered overtime. It's black and white thinking, I'm aware of that. His sister has borderline and been in therapy. He's confused a lot of the time and sad how he's lonely and doesn't have many close friends. I moved away last May and he was distant after I moved and disappeared on me. He thought I was seeing someone and feared I'd hurt him, than he pushed me away.

When I asked him how he's so distant, he got rude and I was upset by some of the things he said cause he said he loved me. Now I have no idea where I stand. It's very confusing for me. I love him but I'm trying to understand. When he's angry, I leave the room but he vents about things and it's usually about different things. He constantly fears people want to hurt him and if someone laughs, he thinks again people are out to hurt him when in reality their not.

I always tell him I love him but I think it kinda freaks him out since he's been hurt. However he does know I care for him since I make him lots of crafty cards. Often times he tells me he misses me a lot and how he wishes I lived closer to him. This week he got distant on me since I couldn't visit him at this time. I'm sure he'll talk to me again once he cools down and realizes that I do love him and care for him. Sorry for all the rambling. Just tried to explain the whole situation.

[Radcliff]

PeacefulCareBear, no worries, you're not rambling!  It makes perfect sense.  Many of us when we first arrived and whenever we hit a rough patch, pour it out onto the board!  The reading, as Mutt suggested, things on this site as well as books like "I Hate You Don't Leave Me," and "Walking on Eggshells" really helped me to understand what was going on, not feel crazy, develop empathy for my wife, and not take everything so personally.

Wentworth