Were you successful in rekindling things with your ex? Did things last?

[Sargeras]

Quick intro: About 7 weeks ago my BPDgf broke things off with me. The person she's seeing right now lives several hundred miles away, and she can only see him every couple of weeks. Just doesn't seem like it will last. She maintains contact with me and is very receptive to speaking with me despite having broken up with me?

Initially, our communication was hot and cold. As of the last 4-5 weeks however, things have been very positive between us. While we don't talk every day, we've had a lot of communication and it's very pleasant.

Has anyone else been broken up with by their BPDEx and managed to stabilize things and sustain good relations? Did you get back together? Do you regret having done this or are things better than they were before? What did you do differently?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi, Sargeras,

Most of us here have lived multiple break ups, and then reconciliation. I've thought it was over many times, and yes, after that I've lives wonderful things as well.

It's a bumpy and long road. Best of luck.

[LoveLostHeart]

Hi, Sargeras,

Most of us here have lived multiple break ups, and then reconciliation. I've thought it was over many times, and yes, after that I've lives wonderful things as well.

It's a bumpy and long road. Best of luck.

Does this mean you are still together now? How did you manage to have a healthy relationship with this woman?

[Skip]

What did you do differently?

This is the key... .you can't go back without changes or it will just be more of the same.

What were the problems in the relationship? How can you change them?

[LoveLostHeart]

This is the key... .you can't go back without changes or it will just be more of the same.

What were the problems in the relationship? How can you change them?

I tried doing things differently many times during recycles. But whatever I tried... .there would always be a new thing to fight about. This was killing me, I tried so hard, read books about communicating and saving relationships etc. I tried and tried and tried, but always something new came up. While during a weekend out with her family I hoped it was going to be a weekend without fights since it was her comfort zone. In the end we got into a fight the first night because she got angry at me for inviting her to a party (at my own house, from 1 of my housemates) where my ex would be as well. An ex who broke up with me, and who has been in a new relationship for over a year now. I just couldn't do it right. No matter how hard I tried.

[BPDBuddy]

Hi Sar,

Sorry about your situation. I am going through the similar game of "chess" to get my long term recent ex back. She was just diagnosed, after mocking the disorder for years. 

Here's my experience, my experience with my previous older ex (one before my posts) they ARE in a rebound relationship. It plays into their optics and they are usually almost always downgrade. In other words, my EX I was married to has reached out to me numerous times and had I'd been more receptive and not in a relationship I may have in a weak moment made more mistakes. The pattern of behavior is predictable, it is very difficult to predict behavior of mentally I'll people. The 'other guy' speaks to her extremely poor judgment.

This is a game of chess, I stress. Every move has to be strategic to get you where you want to land. In the interim, make yourself the best version of yourself.
 
There needs to shifts and changes and you'll get there.

[JoeBPD81]

I wouldn't call my relationship "healthy", not yet anyway. We had the diagnosys 7 months ago, after a lifetime of abuse for her, and kids... .So we still have a lot to work on.

"There would always be a new thing to fight about". The words will be different, but the core of the problem is mostly the same (shame, fear, lack of identity, pain... .), if you fix what she is talking about, you are not fixing anything. You have to learn and listen enough so you see what's behind the words, and without ignoring the words, start working on what's behind. That's when progress is made.

It's not an easy road, and you don't get much appreciation for doing it.

[Sargeras]

Thanks everyone for replying. You've all been helpful to me.

Joe-

I know exactly what you're talking about. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what her needs are because it's not 'obvious'. There was never any real gratitude or appreciation in her eyes because when I did identify the problem it was something I was obligated to do quickly and efficiently. To her, there should never have been a problem in the first place.

Thank you BPDBuddy for that little break down. Helps ground me.

[LoveLostHeart]

I wouldn't call my relationship "healthy", not yet anyway. We had the diagnosys 7 months ago, after a lifetime of abuse for her, and kids... .So we still have a lot to work on.

"There would always be a new thing to fight about". The words will be different, but the core of the problem is mostly the same (shame, fear, lack of identity, pain... .), if you fix what she is talking about, you are not fixing anything. You have to learn and listen enough so you see what's behind the words, and without ignoring the words, start working on what's behind. That's when progress is made.

It's not an easy road, and you don't get much appreciation for doing it.

I think for my ex it was mainly trust issues. But I tried to reassure her so many times I don't know what else I could do. I never had the slightest intention of leaving her or cheating on her. Although as she became worse and worse, the intention to leave grew stronger. And that's also when things got worse. I can't just remove all woman out of my life.
And of course... this was not the only problem.

[Pedro]

My ex and I didn't reconcile.
We broke up once, there were no recycles, she moved on to her next partner within 24 hours of ending our relationship of 6 years. I wanted to reconcile she didn't.  We are polite civil and on speaking terms for 5 months post break just, just until our home is sold. That is the only reason we are civil otherwise we would absolutely not contact each other. After October here will be no contact.
Good luck.

[Meili]

There is always a chance of recycling, there is also a chance of reconciling. The two are quite different. Of course, there's always the chance that end of the relationship is permanent. Each relationship is just as unique as the people in involved.

I was able to attract my uBPDexgf (the one that brought me here) again. I ultimately decided that our core values were just too different for things to ever work out; whether BPD was present or not.

The important thing here is what Skip said, change is the key to all of this.

We must start handling things differently than we did in the past. Everyone gets upset, angry, and fights happen. It's how we handle it that matters.

Skip asked you what the problems were, presumably, in hopes of helping you look at how you handled them in the past, and what you could do differently in the future.

[flare1]

Im actually trying to now.  But I'm actually trying to reconcile (come back with a fundamental change) not recycle (come back with same pattern).  We had I think 3 recycles where she came back to me and I went back.  This time, very different, she didn't come back after long NC and now it changes literally day by day sometimes hour by hour.  4 months went by and she started seeing another guy.  She told me about him the first time we met up and reiterated that she values him and that relationship. However, 2 days later she said her and her new man broke it off but I don't know if that's all true for certain yet.  She went from telling me that she wants to stay with her new bf to telling me shes done with him and wants to be friends with me and see where it goes in like a 3 day time frame so I cant put much stock in anything right now.  She appears more lucid but could just be valuing stage stuff all over again.  She said her heart is numb right now and needs to heal but our interaction has been very cordial so far and pleasant.  They can handle friends much better than romantic intimacy. 

However, enough of my situation, if I can give back to the members on some things Ive learned if you're trying to reattract an ex with BPD i will.  However, do it at your own risk as I am disclaiming if you should or should not.  I have decided to pursue her.
Some observations going back to ex BPD:
*be prepared for her to be very closed off emotionally, she won't even care anything about what is going with you because she will be confused and looking for her own answers, so don't push, just listen to her. 
*Keep the convo light hearted.  If she wants to bring up heavy stuff, she will do it on her terms, then feel free to respond
*Don't invalidate anything she says about the past, just use SET, but it's ok to offer your own opinion.  I usually say things like, I see why you feel that way, or I would feel the same way etc.
*Recall good memories you've had with each other to re attract her.  Shes even said to me, I miss riding the motorcycle with you, I miss running with you etc when I bring those activities up
*YOU MUST HAVE IMPROVED YOURSELF BEFORE YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO GO BACK INCLUDING SPECIFIC COMMUNICATION SKILLS FOR BPDs
*Don't repeat your intentions with her, say it once, she will remember
*Let her initiate most of the contact and try to pick up on cues if she wants to see you.  If she asks what your plans are or what youre doing, most likley shes asking if your available to see her.  Try not to just ask her out but I think its ok if you do once in a while but be prepared for rejection.
*If shes seeing another guy or has another guy in her life that she is still in contact with you can't act or say anything with the slightest bit of jealousy or anger.  Some might disagree with the approach im about to say but I actually gave her advice on the guy she was seeing when we reconnected.  After they had a fight I said that he will come around and forgive you and if you value that relationship you should apologize to him as well and continue it.  This shows you are confident in yourself and you are strong enough to accept that possibility which I think makes you more attractive in her eyes.  After I did this she said they were done but again, be prepared for her to switch.  She told him not to worry about me and we've been hanging out now! Someone will get hurt regardless
*Just be there for her in a neutral state.  Don't be a doormat thats always around but be zen-like and unaffected.  You will become her rock and the attraction will re-build, hopefully. 

I will keep this post updated on new developments on my personal situation which right now is "freinds and seeing where it goes" with a dash of another guy that may creep up and I am subject to being discarded at any moment.  It's on shaky ground but has potential. 

[Skip]

Solid comments, flare1!

[Sargeras]

Hi flare1,

I'm getting mixed messages from my ex.

I really appreciate you taking the time to outline all of that. It's good, solid advice and I intend to implement it when I can. Until last night, I hadn't really talked about the details of our breakup with her. But we had a therapy session that shook things up- for better or for worse. Please excuse the following rant my friend:

The last week, we've spent a lot of time together. She reiterated she loved me and that I'm her "best friend". She knows I see my shrink on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so she volunteered to go with me to my appointment ytesterday.

During the session, the 3 of us dissected some of her reasons for breaking up with me. She said throughout our relationship, she had a mix of romantic and platonic feelings for me, but ultimately decided she saw me as a friend while she was on her cruise and talking to this guy. I wasn't really sure what to make of that, because her recent actions have contradicted a lot of her words.

When we spend time together, I hold her hand. I kiss her on the cheek sometimes. I hold her. She was receptive to all of it.

My therapist asked her last night why she didn't say no or make it clear that she didn't want that, to which she said she felt like it was "obligatory" to sustain a relationship wtih me. She made it seem like in order not to upset me or cause drama, she had to do that. She said she still wants to see me because I make her laugh and she can talk to me. I'm confused though. The touching never seemed to bother her in the slightest, if anything, she seemed to enjoy it ? Actions speak louder than words. I can't fathom why somebody who sees me as a platonic friend would put their head in my lap and cuddle with me? I said during the session yesterday that I get the feeling she is confused.

At the end of the session I asked her if she saw us dating in the future to which she said, "i don't know what the future holds".

While we didn't fight, our car ride home was not pleasant. I was a little annoyed and felt like speaking my mind. I told her that I guarantee she hadn't told her boyfriend about what she was doing with me. I told her I thought it was f*cked. She said "well I don't know what he's doing right now, and it doesn't bother everyone the way I think it would". I said that I guess he doesn't have a say beacuse he doesn't know about it, so have fun.

We didn't speak to each other the rest of the car ride after that. She was mad at me, but she knew I was right. She's playing both sides of the fence.

Her and her boyfriend are long distance right now. She can't move to see him for the next several months. She just quit her job. She doesn't have anything to do right now.

I feel like i've just been dragged thru the mud all over again. Things were going really well between us and now this. I'm not going to see her and spend time with her if I can't touch her. That's such a downgrade for me. The words that come out of her mouth don't make sense to me. She says one thing and does another. I really do believe she's confused. I feel like she's using me as she would a security blanket to quell her loneliness between her visits with her boyfriend. She knwos me a lot better than she knows him.

Last night, she asked if we were going to talk anymore and I said no. She tried to fight with me but I wasn't having it.

Anyhow, I don't know whether I'm gonna contact her or not. I feel like I shouldn't. I also feel like she can't stay away from me, and this will end when I decide it does. I want to make it clear that she can't have it both ways and if she is going to see me, she needs to be clear on what our dynamic is going to be.

I want to be there for her, but I can't be trampled on like this.

[Sargeras]

Update- Spoke with her briefly today. It went alright. I'll be seeing her later tonight. Fingers crossed.

[Meili]

Well, that's confusing.

What is your position on how tonight is going to go? Are you planning to continue on a course of friendship on her terms?

Did you make it clear to her that she cannot have it both ways as you said?

[Sargeras]

Confusing is one way to put it. If we're going to be friends, we're going to touch. That's just how it is. Perhaps I should dial it back, but I'm going to talk about that tonight.

[Meili]

How did the talk go? Were you able to establish a boundary for the relationship about what is and what is not acceptable for you both?

[Sargeras]

It was a good night. We didn't really cover the do's and don'ts with regard to physical contact. I decided not to. She's had a long history of sexual abuse, and I want to be sensitive to that. Her boundaries are pretty shaky and I don't want to put her in the position where she feels she needs to "oblige" me with holding my hand, whatever it is. It's important to me that I have contact with her, but it's more important that she feels safe around me.

Some touch is fine, but I'm going to dial it back quite a bit. Right now, her truth is that she wants us to be platonic. At least I believe that the dominant feelings she has for me are platonic right now.

I think flare gave the best approach for me to implement, regardless of what I want, which is to be a rock for her and listen to what she has to say. I'm really trying to be more empathetic towards her and keep my listening ears on. I acknowledge that she is confused to some degree, and I permit her confusion.

Things will be a lot easier for me once I can accept that her romantic attention is on this other guy. For the first time I feel like I'm accepting her choice. If I do want to reattract her and gets things back to where they were, I need to accept that. If I do want to get over her, I need to accept that.

I had a much better time with her last night because I wasn't putting my energy into courting her. And I think she picked up on that. I think we'll be alright.

[Meili]

I agree with accepting what is. I also agree with being empathetic.

But, where are you going to place your limits for the relationship? If just friends, are do you still want the physical part? What is acceptable to you?

[Sargeras]

Yeah, I'd like to still have physical contact with her. But if she says it makes her uncomfortable or she feels obligated to do it as she stated during our therapy appointment, then that's that.

It's hard for me to place limits on these kinds of things because there's not much she could do that would make me not want to see her anymore. Truth is I'm still pretty confused myself. What I know is that I enjoy seeing her.

I think she likes the contact but knows that her boyfriend wouldn't. Honestly, I don't 100% buy what she told the shrink the other night. Her thoughts and feelings fluctuate on a daily basis.

That doesn't mean I'm going to write off what she said. I'm just going be as empathetic and supportive of a friend as I can be. It's not my business what decisions she makes/doesn't in regards to her relationship and what kind of boundaries she's willing to set.

The guy lives 350 miles away. She won't be moving there for at least another 8-9 months. A lot can happen between then and now.

[Meili]

It's hard for me to place limits on these kinds of things because there's not much she could do that would make me not want to see her anymore. Truth is I'm still pretty confused myself. What I know is that I enjoy seeing her.

But, every relationship must have limits to remain sustainable. It seems to work best when the parties agree on what those limits are and what happens when they are pushed. It will confuse you far less.

The other good thing about the limits are that they can let the people in the relationship know what they really want. If the two of you agree that you don't want cuddling or hand-holding in the relationship and she keeps pushing to do otherwise, it becomes pretty clear that something else is desired and affords the opportunity to revisit the situation.

Of course, enforcing the limits should not be done in a snarky way such as, "I thought that you said that you didn't want to cuddle anymore." That only breeds conflict. Something along the lines of "I thought that we agreed that we weren't going to do that anymore?" is probably more effective and doesn't put the other person on the defense as much.

It's also very important that you be consistent with the limits. If you start to let her violate them, then she will think that they don't matter and things will go downhill quickly.

No matter what, establishing those limits will help end the confusion for you.

I think she likes the contact but knows that her boyfriend wouldn't. Honestly, I don't 100% buy what she told the shrink the other night. Her thoughts and feelings fluctuate on a daily basis.

One of the best things that you can do for yourself is to stop trying to guess what is going on inside of her head and to take things at face value. It's impossible for us to know what another is thinking. It's even worse for a person with BPD traits. Their thoughts tend to be governed by whatever emotion that they are feeling at the moment.

[Sargeras]

Yeah, I understand. I was the one initiating the physical contact for the most part. I guess I'm afraid that she will be okay with us being friends and get used to things not being the way they were.

[Meili]

Not to be obtuse, but does this mean that you are not comfortable just being friends?

You are part of this as well. What you want is just as important as what she wants. You need to honor that as well.

[Sargeras]

I enjoy flirting with her. I would like to be her friend if we aren't dating. But I still want to touch and play. She told me I'm her best friend and I consider her mine- I don't want to lose her completely.

[Meili]

So, if the physical part is important to you, but isn't to her, where does that leave you? What are your thoughts on the sustainability of any relationship with her at that point?

[Sargeras]

Our relationship as is is not void of touch. While maybe there are some things I'd like to do like grab her hand, cuddle with her, whatever, I'm alright not doing those things right now. I don't feel any kind of resentment towards her for not doing them.

And even if she doesn't decide she wants a romantic relationship with me again, I'm happy just having her around. Although I must be honest, my gut feeling tells me she'll come back. She really likes talking to me. She's in an awkward situation right now. She can only see her boyfriend for a week out of every month. That won't change until at least 8-9months from now if she decides to move. I don't think it will last.

I have a desire to improve our relationship from a fundamental standpoint anyway. I'd love to improve the communication between us and a lot of the tools I've learned on here for interacting with somebody who has BPD have been very helpful.

I want to be able to sit and talk with her and understand, whilst she knows she is understood. That's the bread and butter of any relationship and I feel like this is the perfect place for me to build those skills.

While it's not ideal for me, I'm okay with the relationship we have right now and I believe I can sustain it comfortably.

I'm not waiting around for her, anyway. I intend to date other women.