devaluing tweets are making me very upset, especially after a rough day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

my ex just tweeted "can't believe I survived a year of being treated like worthless sh*t wow . Im proud of myself though like being treated like that made me hella realize my worth and I'm never gonna let someone do that to me again."

I wasn't perfect, but I never treated her poorly. i stood by her through SO MUCH. how can she say this? i mean i KNOW how but it upsets me so much. she is flat out wrong. she is warping the past. i literally dont think she would be alive if it weren't for me, i physically saved her multiple times.

I don''t deserve this. I want to yell at her. i won't, but thats how I feel.

God i have never felt so many conflicting feelings all at once in my life. how do you all deal with this. it is excrutiating.

[sadboi]

my ex just tweeted "can't believe I survived a year of being treated like worthless sh*t wow . Im proud of myself though like being treated like that made me hella realize my worth and I'm never gonna let someone do that to me again."

I wasn't perfect, but I never treated her poorly. i stood by her through SO MUCH. how can she say this? i mean i KNOW how but it upsets me so much. she is flat out wrong. she is warping the past. i literally dont think she would be alive if it weren't for me, i physically saved her multiple times.

I don''t deserve this. I want to yell at her. i won't, but thats how I feel.

God i have never felt so many conflicting feelings all at once in my life. how do you all deal with this. it is excrutiating.

[smart_storm26]

Brother,

I absolutely recognize your pain. Been in the same situation. Sometimes its shocking that how mean and ungrateful these people can be. Even if her disorder is affecting her behaviors but that doesn't hurt any less.

Don't argue with her and try to prove her wrong. It will be a wastage of efforts. Simply say nothing and stop talking to her. Don't fall into the trap of starting another argument because of this. Its you who will be losing out more and drown yourself further into negativity if you do. Remember that sometimes silence and avoidance sends a stronger message that is taken more seriously. You need to do that now

If possible move far from her and go to your friend's place or anywhere where you can isolate yourself from this negativity. If she calls or messages you... .tell her that she has hurt you 'badly'(no need to go into a detailed explanation) and simply ignore her messages. She will try the blame game. Don't reply. The idea is she has to realize how much she has hurt you and apologize.

And try to distract yourself from this needless negativity that she is involved in. You have every right to be happy and not be disturbed.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey sadboi, It's normal for a pwBPD to paint his/her Ex black.  Sorry to say, it runs with the territory.  What can you do to protect yourself?  A starting point might be to decline to read her tweets, which is something within your control.  LJ

[flamingspiral]

Block her on all fronts, then go out in the woods or to the beach and hike barefoot. Seriously, it helps. Makes one realize how temporary so much of this pain really is.

It helps me heal and gain distance. Nature refreshes the soul.

[Mutt]

Hi sadboi,

When I read your thread I was thinking that she also wants validation, you're split black because it's a maladaptive coping mechanism, a pwBPD don't deal deal with the issue, they stuff their emotions in and it's redirected as anger and act out.

Don't fall into the trap of starting another argument because of this.

I agree, I advised to self protect so that it gives you enough space and time to heal from your wounds, if you answer back there's a good chance that it will yank you out of that protective that you give to yourself and it will reopen your wound, it slows down your recovery.

What can you do to protect yourself?  A starting point might be to decline to read her tweets, which is something within your control

That's right, I advise the same thing, don't peek a social media because it will reopen your wounds. I deactivated all of my social media accounts for 4 months so that I wasn't tempted to peek once that I felt that I could reopen them without being tempted to peek and get triggered all over again.

[Harley Quinn]

I don''t deserve this. I want to yell at her. i won't, but thats how I feel.

God i have never felt so many conflicting feelings all at once in my life. how do you all deal with this. it is excrutiating.

Around the time we were breaking up, my ex spent a lot of time discussing our private lives with any random who would listen, giving of course his version of events and playing the woe is me card.  I'd hear frequently from him about which total stranger to me now either saw me as a victim of domestic abuse (true but his spin on it was I'd caused this) or as a total witch with no feelings who did terrible things to him (highly debatable). 

I felt I had given so much and sacrificed to the point that I had nothing left for myself yet after I left him I was replaced in a heartbeat, which I took as the ultimate insult for all I'd gone through.  I was infuriated. 

How I coped was initially to wallow about all of this (not fun), cry (quite refreshing actually, once the puffy eyes are dealt with), hide from the world (which became frustrating as I had things to do) and finally by gritting my teeth, HOLDING UP MY HEAD AND GETTING ON WITH LIFE AS USUAL REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANYONE OUT THERE THOUGHT OF ME.  BY BEING TRUE TO MYSELF AND KNOWING INSIDE WHO I REALLY AM AND REFUSING TO BE AFFECTED BY ANYONE ELSE'S OPINION OF THAT. 

Now that approach was a winner.  I felt freed and empowered.  I let go of the pain and the sense of betrayal and accepted it for what it was.  His way of coping with things that he was unable to handle any other way.  Nothing about me. 

I hope in sharing this that you might opt to skip to the end part.  I know how awful you feel, but believe me it gets easier.  Don't hold onto this.  Let it out then let it go.

Love and light x   

[sadboi]

Thank you to all who replied.

For those of you who told me not to say anything to her, I won't; we are No Contact, so I won't reach out to explain anything.

It just hurts so much to read those things, and to know other people read what she writes and thinks it is true.

I try to check her Twitter less and less, and sometimes I will make it a long while without looking, but I always check eventually. I have also realized she only tweets mean things about me if I tweet anything about learning to be happy again, or the journey I am on for self love, or anything like that.

She is the one that walked out on me, she the one that got a new girlfriend, she is the one that cut me out when the new gf gave her the ultimatum to either have their relationship or have me around as a friend.

Why is she still checking my twitter? If I am painted black, aren't I basically the devil? doesn't she hate me? why does she care about what I am doing?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi sadboi,

We can't control what others do but we can control what we do.  I'd strongly suggest you scrap twitter for a while at least, and tell friends face to face about your journey to self love.  This is worthy of discussion most definitely and I can see why you'd want to talk about it.  Just use traditional means and save yourself the heartache.  NC is about cutting ties to give yourself space to heal and checking up on her isn't going to achieve that for you.  Time to be firm with yourself.

Love and light x

[Sargeras]

You mentioned that her newgf gave her an ultimatum between you and their relationship. I don't know about you, but I don't know of any happy relationships that begin with an ultimatum.

I can relate to what you said. And I'll tell you what I learned.

My ex has a tumblr blog I used to check. The day after she broke up with me, she posted this with a picture of her and the guy she left me for:

"Who would've thought that a relationship can be built upon honesty, integrity, and openness!" It broke me down. It came literally the day after our split.

It's a coping mechanism. She doesn't want to address or acknowledge any kind of problem within the relationship that she was responsible for. It helps her to bend it all over on you.

There's a VERY GOOD CHANCE she's saying that kind of stuff because she knows you're watching her twitter. It's a platform in which she can indirectly communicate with you. If she knows you're in a rough position because of the breakup, she's prone to doing stuff like that.

Do you check her social media frequently? If so, stop. It's a bunch of useless information that only hurts you. Stop checking it. No reasoning, no compromise- you just make yourself not check it. As Harley Quinn said: "Time to be firm with yourself". Not checking her social media is a very easy place to start in terms of getting back on your feet and feeling better. 

I was checking my ex's blog CONSTANTLY after we broke up. 3 weeks ago, I decided enoughs enough. Every time I looked at it I felt worse than I did prior to seeing it. I made a commitment not to look at it, and I already feel much better. Demonstrating to myself how I was capable of laying off her blog gave me a sense of being carefree. I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I have no desire to look at any of her posts now.

It's good that you're reaching out, because that's half the battle. The other half, is learning to implement. Put into practice the things people tell you.

Bottom line: Don't worry about what she said. It isn't true, and in the back of her mind she knows it. It was artificial. She said that to feel better about herself/get under your skin. Just keep playing it cool. Don't talk to her, don't argue with her if she contacts you, just relax.

She says mean things about you when you talk about recuperating because she CARES. If she didn't care, why would she take the time to do that? Don't buy into her crap. It's all for show. She wants to keep you around in some capacity but she knows her partner isn't comfortable with it. This is all very frustrating for her, so she's lashing out.

Please, do yourself a favor and stop checking her social media. Hear it from me. Two weeks from now, you'll be a happier guy because you stopped.

Continue with no contact and if you're going to use twitter only post positive things. DO NOT post anything negative. She's watching all of it. You can use social media to your advantage in that way. Let her see that you're tough, independent, and moving on. She doesn't need to think of you as depressed and sulky. Even if that's the case, don't show it. Don't let her see it.

Project strength.

[sadboi]

Sargeras,

Thank you for your response, it grounded me.

My ex posts stuff like what your ex did, and most of the time I know it is a coping mechanism and I don't let it bother me. But if I lose my rationality for a moment and let my emotion take over, it really gets to me.

I've been checking her social media a lot less lately- you're right, it honestly does nothing but make me feel awful. I can go for days without looking at it, and then sometimes I slip up, but I am getting better.

Part of what bothers me is that we have a lot of mutual friends that don't know how sick she is, or any of the details of what happened, and when she posts stuff about me being abusive or terrible or some other made up thing, I know all of those people are reading it.

But everything you said is entirely right, and I'm going to try and look less and less, and hopefully I can stop all together.

Thank you

[Sargeras]

Happy to help. You're more than capable of not checking on her. If I can do it, you can do it. I'm only going to tell you the truth.

It's a day by day thing. Remember you have to deal with this thing using baby steps. Let her mess around and do whatever she's going to do. She'll be back. Just focus on yourself for now.

You need to rebuild your self esteem. Right now, you're looking at this thru the prism of: What will I do without her? I can't carry on!

You gotta restore your confidence in yourself, and remember you're much more centered and in control than she is or ever will be- that's the truth. Relax my friend, you're fine right now. Time is your ally- it's just a matter of how you spend it. Not spending it checking on her will make a HUGE difference in the way you feel.

[patientandclear]

Have you considered that your own posts on twitter (re your journey to self love)  may look similar to her?

[sadboi]

patientandclear,

I've considered it and to me there is a clear difference (based off of what I'm saying and how she is the one that left me, etc.). However, because of this, I've stopped tweeting anything that she can POSSIBLY associate with herself.

It's just frustrating, this whole situation is frustrating. She's the one that dipped and has a new girlfriend and is supposedly doing so well, so why doesn't she just leave me alone? I don't want her to pay any attention to me, especially when she is literally warping what actually happened. (I get that the distortion is a result of her BPD but my frustration with it still exists).

I guess the thing I don't fully understand about being painted black is that if it is a coping mechanism and my ex with BPD does it as such, why does she still check up on me? why do they care at all? In her version of the story, I am the villain, the reason for all of her problems. So if I'm entirely devalued and she has a new person to idealize, why does she pay any attention to me at all?