I'm Walking in Eggshells

[darthcujo]

I'm not really good at asking for help so please forgive me if this goes wrong in places. My husband and I both have BPD but up until now it's not been too bad because he has been on antidepressants to control it. (I am already on them). However, a move six hundred miles up the country has seen things get desperate.
When my husband, doesn't get his tablets he very much becomes Mr. Hyde and disociates. Whilst he in this state, he swears at me and calls me things, bring up past arguments.  He also throws throws things. But, when he comes round he becomes Dr. Jekyll again and is really nice. When he was on the tablets, it was only an occasional thing but now he is off them. It happens once or twice a week and I'm on tenterhooks waiting for him to turn again. I suffer from PTSD due to an alcoholic father who was a drug addict. He was also physically and emotionally abusive. When I was about three months old my father totalled the car we were in, on the way to a Christmas party. It resulted with me breaking every bone in my body and being left with partial paralysis down my left side, with epilepsy. There was also other abuse when I was child.
In answer to what I do when my H  goes off, I cut, it's easier to take it out on myself than anyone else. The problem is than the spot on my arm never gets to heal. My H always thinks I mean do it but I think I must dissociate because I never have a memory of doing it and he wastes no time letting me know. He feels that just because he found it easy to stop the same time thing, that it should be easy for any one else who has the same issue.
I have been to the doctor regarding both my self harm and H's tablets. I am currently waiting for a psyche evaluation, which made me feel like a complete loon can tell you. More concerning though, is that when I mentioned that H's had been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1990 all our doctor did was took him off his antidepressants. Now I've gone from having a small a small scale panic attack to a full nuclear meltdown.
I love my husband and I think it is fair to say that he is my best friend. We have have known each other since I was eleven years old and now I have lost the use of my legs, he has taken it upon himself to become my fulltime carer.
I'm not posting because I want to leave, I'm writing because I feel I need support to end the conflict that has arisen within my house and I am not sure how to do it. By nature I am such a positive person but I am rapidly losing the will to go on with that positivity when all I am being met with is negativity and coldness. Can anyone offer some advice as I really am on my own here. All my friends and family are over six hundred miles away.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi darthcujo, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time, I am glad that you've found us. I completely understand how depressing and distressing it feels when you hit a wall and communication breaks down, probably one of the most useful tools that I learned here is to not JADE, don't Justify Attack Defend or Explain. It takes two to tango and one to stop.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

By nature I am such a positive person but I am rapidly losing the will to go on with that positivity when all I am being met with is negativity and coldness. Can anyone offer some advice as I really am on my own here. All my friends and family are over six hundred miles away.

You're family is over 6000 miles away, if he's depressed then he's going to have a lot of negative thoughts along with other symptoms, it helps to get feedback from others to get a realistic picture about ourselves, if the feedback that we received from our SO is mostly negative about us, it's going to make us feel anxious and it's a distorted picture of who we are. What kind of hobbies do you have? Do you do activities with others outside of your home? Do you meet other people?