Hi Letloverule,
So glad you are safe!
I think of chaotic situations the same way I think of holidays for pwBPD. They are times when they are out of control of things. With a hurricane, she may have been very scared. Her way of coping was to begin frantically and quickly begin preparing.
I'd suggest that although your partner is pointing at your behavior, you might try looking at what her behavior is telling you about how she feels and then validate those feelings and then pointing out some truths to her.
For example next time she brings up your "Lack of helping" the convo could go something like this:
"I'm sorry that you were so worried about the hurricane causing us harm. It was very scary and I was scared too. Thank you so much for handling so much of the preparation. I hope you know that our family's safety is very important to me too. Maybe we could begin preparing for next time by making a list of what needs done and dividing up who will do what so we can both equally help with preparation?"
Or something like that. The main point is to validate, show her that you see what she did, and then make a plan for going forward. Can you try practicing a conversation here:
To help you here is a link to our workshop on
validating.