Constant reminders. Wounds reopen

[Ironman85]

Hey all, I've posted a couple times the last 2 days hopefully this isn't getting annoying for you all, but it seems to be the only place I can vent safely with people who understand.

First, I will rundown our relationship.
I met her at work back in Jan 2010; instantly we hit it off, I still remember the first time I looked at her during a meeting I was presenting to her and other new hires (I was a coach at a call center we both worked at). At the time of our meeting, I was living alone in the country, still licking the wounds of having a 5 month old who I could only see a few times a month for a couple hours and working. Those were the only 3 things I had going on.

When I met her in a "coaching session" we just clicked, she went right into talking about her abusive ex who was refusing to move out and we bonded over our mutual pain related to these exes. Thins escalated EXTREMELY quick and I was living with her within 2 weeks of knowing her. Things went pretty well, she accepted my daughter and I accepted hers. It was a classic "I need someone to value me and she needed the big hero to help fix her life" scenario.

There was a big todo about how she was afraid she couldn't get pregnant, where I promised her I would love her forever and never leave her... .of course by month 2 she was pregnant. I proposed too her 5 weeks after meeting her and plans were made to get married soon. When we met, she was in debt, had multiple collection letters, was behind on rent and was basically a financial and emotional mess... .except for me (I was the greatest thing ever to happen, etc).

From that time on, we agreed I was smarter with money and had better impulse control, therefore I would be the one to take care of money and all the big responsibilities, which I did for the 7.5 yrs we were together.

Spats would happen from time to time if I didnt do what she felt I should do, I was called a mommies boy for texting my mom sometimes (She raised me alone basically and was there when my dad discarded me for his new wife when i was 12). And my Facebook and computer were snooped through and people and photos were deleted. I let this go, because I was happy to have someone who loved me so much they were that jealous (I should note I have a lot of rejection issues and an unhealthy need to be loved)

Over the years things would be somewhat rocky, but never volatile... mainly because I am not a fan of having arguments and would concede to keep the love I needed. There were alot of things she did over the years that would make me feel worthless and i started changing my patterns to avoid her resentment.

Our first major breakup happened in 2012 (a few months before our 1  wedding anniversary) We were staying at my moms in a transition between apartments. I can't even remember what exactly transpired, but I beleive it happened because instead of going to her parents for the weekend, I stayed to see my best friend for the first time since our wedding (I may add he bought us a PS3 for our wedding and one time bailed us out of a financial pickle). She told me she didn't love me anymore... .but remained living with me and moved into the new home we secured. The break up ended when I found texts between her and a male co-worker, that weren't sexual, but were also not professional in nature and were quite flirtacious (I note that I was always the one accused of being the one who would flirt and cheat... .it was nowhere near the truth)
I snapped and said I was done, of course at this point her tone changed and she begged me to forgive her and work on things.

We continued  until 2015... .when she used sex and sexual favors to convince me to have another child with her, despite my having no desire to do so... .she became pregnant in July and by mid August- she broke up with me and informed me that she wanted to move the children and unborn child to her families town 3.5 hours away. I had to take her to court to have this stopped... .where the judge looked her in the face and said it would not be in the children's best interest whatsoever to take them away from me and the only town they have ever lived in.

After some begging, she finally came around and re reconciled days after our 4th wedding anniversary. I would like to mention that none of these reconciliations involved her apologizing for anything, just me taking all the blame for "being an ass who needs to smarten up" and us moving on.

Now through our relationship and especially after our "major" breakups, I was constantly walking on eggshells and changing things that she didn't like about me. a small list would include
- limiting contact with my mother, who has done alot for us financially over the years, cutting out almost every friend I have had except for the one I mentioned above, looking away from the tv if boobs were exposed, looking away from any female in public, refusing to look women in the eyes or at all when talking to them at work, taking photos if I was running late, staying home with her almost every hour of every day, not wearing cologne, not wearing contact lenses etc.

Of course, none of this ever mattered... .as new issues that i needed to "fix" would come up. I could never bring up how she hurt my feelings or ego, I had to learn to move past it, while she controlled how I acted and who I knew.

Things went ok after the second major breakup... .mostly because she was able to sit on the couch all day and tend too the baby. Even when her maternity benefits ran out, she stayed off work for 10 months and was content with this. Throughout these years I accumulated 23k in Visa Debt and got a 11,000$ lemon car that cost 23k with interest because the few months we lived with my mom she no longer wanted to have to be in the same car as her.

It seemed after each breakup I was broken more and more, and kept giving, we went from equal parenting and household work to me handling 90% of all the"adulting" for our household. Her only duty and responsibility was to breast feed... take the older 2 to school while I worked and watch Netflix all day (I did not mind, I just wanted her to love me and not leave me again).

Things started taking a toll and I began drinking... .at first on weekends... .then every other night... then every night... .not enough to get hammered... usually 3 tallboys over the night to maintain a solid buzz but still be ready if something was needed from me. I know this was a problem for her... .and in some ways I think I was doing it to give her a reason... .I knew a breakup was eventual... .may as well give her a reason and be numb to things going on around me. I should mention my job involves alot of manual labour, so I was burning out physically... then coming home, cleaning, cooking, dealing with kids fighting... shopping... paying bills and keeping tabs on due dates. I literally did everything besides the duties I mentioned earlier.

In May she got a job, the debt was growing and it was time to get caught up and save for a home... .in hindsight this was probably the beginning of the end. (she only worked 3.5 out of the 7.5 yrs we were together... of which she had 6 job changes) She accused me of not being able to care for the children alone... .this was false and things went well with them and I.

Around June we had an argument about money and over the next 3 or 4 weeks she shut down more and more and distanced herself more and more until we ended on about july 13th or so, when she went from acting like we had some small issues too "youre and a$$hole and a bunch of examples of things I did her wrong) She moved out by July 27th and she had a guy she met in an online game move down from across the country within a couple weeks from then.

Now from what I know, and I refuse to know much, this guy is a downgrade looks wise (yes I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder) and shes alienated him from his friends and family to be here with her, she got him a job and is "so glad she moved on to better things". It is clear this is her new toy that she can control (until he makes friends and dares divert attention from her).

I am broken. I know shes not the woman I played her up to be in my head, she hasnt even been the woman I fell for since 2015... But the fact is, I would NEVER have cheated and I would NEVER have left her. As mentioned I have alot of abandonment /Anxiety issues and just want someone to love me back... I dont leave people, they leave me.

She has painted me black, I cannot do right by her, nothing I did was worthwhile and she keeps a mental ledger of everything I ever did wrong, not remembering all the changes I have made for her (seeking medication for my anxiety, going out of my way to be more and more her caregiver, etc)

I was so attached to her mentally and it tears me apart that I mean nothing too her and maybe never did after the first few weeks. Despite my being a Shi%% dad" in her words, I have our children 24 nights a month so she can maintain her dream world with the newest victim. Despite being an ass, she still uses my car until she can get her own.

I miss her so much and I really shouldn't. I put up with a lot of control and manipulation, but I do. I have had to come up with numerous excuses to my children when one finds me in a random burst of tears. I am so alone, I know I have them but Its hard, raising 3 girls on my own, when the only support system I learned to need is gone. No one seems to be interested in dating a single dad with so many kids, and Im not even really interested in looking, I've been so damaged by all this and the betrayal I don't know If i will fully trust anyone with all my secrets and vulnerabilities again.

The breakup was so spiteful, she literally left messes for me to clean, left every memento (even hiding some I packed her, in boxes of my stuff), every wedding photo, every thing that ever connected us. I feel this was intentional, especially when she hid some in a box of my stuff. almost 2 months later, I still find things of hers (today it was lingerie) and I am overwhelmed with grief. I am a love junkie... .and the only fix I wanted, left, and I am not even a memory... .I'm just the guy who watches her kids. She already rushing for a Divorce and I assume it talking marriage with this new guy. My kids have met him... her daughter loves that mommy has a bf... .our oldest together has asked me if I will marry mommy again and has told my mom she doesnt like that mommy got a new boyfriend already. She also often asks me if I will get a gf that doesn't like kids... .I assure her I will never ever do that, and that daddy has no interest in a gf, which seems to help her feel better. the baby is 1.5 yrs old and sleeps like a log with me and doesn't sleep a wink at her mothers place. My ex constantly cancels days to get them and has told me the kids are not her bf "problem".

I am so confused, trying to come fully to terms that it is over (It should be over... .she cheated emotionally and has now been touched by another man). I can't wrap my head around how the woman that wanted a family with me, is leaving me to the majority of the work while choosing her pretend paradise over her kids. I am in the midst of declaring bankruptcy because everything was in my name and credit (as mentioned shes burned all her credit bridged with past due accounts and unpaid student loans).

I hate to admit it, but the only thing that stops me from ending the immense pain, rejection and self loathing, is that I have kids that need me to be around. I constantly hope I will wake up from this nightmare and sometimes It slows down, but it seems it just never stops.

I spend every free moment googling unhealthy things like "will she come back" and "I left my husband and regret it". My anxiety about the future and my OCD that comes with whatever is triggering me is intrusive and never ending. I know eventually it will pass... .but it really seems to far away.

I avoid her social media, but hear she looks different in pictures and is posting selfies all the time. Her family is decent too me, because they know how much I have changed and grown over the years, but it is hard to talk to them because I know they accept her with all the dysfunction she has and really helped create this person in many ways.

I don't know what I expect by typing this except to get it off my mind and maybe hear from others who have been in a similar situation, and made it out successfully.

A part of me wants her  back... .but the logical part of me wants to be ready to say no if she chooses to do so after this new relationship ends... .which its bound too do. Unless he is weaker than me.

Thanks for your time.

[Mutt]

Hi Ironman85,

Hey all, I've posted a couple times the last 2 days hopefully this isn't getting annoying for you all, but it seems to be the only place I can vent safely with people who understand.

It's not annoying at all, were her for you.
 

shes alienated him from his friends and family to be here with her, she got him a job and is "so glad she moved on to better things". It is clear this is her new toy that she can control (until he makes friends and dares divert attention from her).

You're out of the fire, he's in the fire now.

I miss her so much and I really shouldn't.

Many of us can relate with that statement, you had a 7.5 r/s with her, she met a guy online, you had a long history together, I don;t know how you feel but it takes a non much longer to recover from a break-up than a pwBPD a pwBPD don't grieve like a non, they have inhibited grieving, the grieving comes out as anger and acting out.
 

am so alone, I know I have them but Its hard, raising 3 girls on my own, when the only support system I learned to need is gone. No one seems to be interested in dating a single dad with so many kids, and Im not even really interested in looking, I've been so damaged by all this and the betrayal I don't know If i will fully trust anyone with all my secrets and vulnerabilities again.

Your post has so many similarities to my story, I'm a single dad too and I have shared custody with my ex that displays BPD traits, she had someone under her wings before she left, I didn't have a support system either until this site, I didn't have anyone in real life to watch the kids, I do have my mother which is really supportive.

I had the exacts thought that you had who's going to date a guy with three kids, guess what I have a girlfriend now and it's not something that I thought possible four years ago. You know that your not ready to date and it's probably something that you don't hear right now, but it will happen when it happens, but for now be where you are.

I am in the midst of declaring bankruptcy because everything was in my name and credit (as mentioned shes burned all her credit bridged with past due accounts and unpaid student loans).

I'm sorry that your going through this.

I hate to admit it, but the only thing that stops me from ending the immense pain, rejection and self loathing, is that I have kids that need me to be around. I constantly hope I will wake up from this nightmare and sometimes It slows down, but it seems it just never stops.

You know from first hand experience what their mother can be like, the kids have a relationship with you and they have a relationship with her my advice is don't get caught in divorce poison, they are the mother of your girls, lead by your actions, your kids are going to need an emotionally stable parent in their lives, that's you. I completely understand how the kids are your pilot light right now, use that.

Here's an article that helped me when I was ruminating about my ex it reminded me of why we broke up.


How a Borderline Relationship Evolves

Do you have an update? How are you feeling today Ironman85?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Ironman85,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  How did you feel getting this all out?  Hopefully it was a relief to put it outside of yourself.  I find that when I write and many here recommend writing in journals as a means of aiding detaching and healing.

I can hear your pain and disbelief about what has happened and I'm with you on that.  That's exactly how I felt with what transpired during the end of my r/s, although the circumstances were different.  It seems to be something that most of us experience.  The experiences blow our minds because we struggle to relate to the motivations for the behaviours.  We may never fully understand, but in learning more about BPD we can at least de personalise some of the actions our exes have taken in time.  

The financial mess that was left behind is something I'm still working on seeking solutions to, and this is likely to affect me for a long time, so I can sympathise with you on the bankruptcy.  Try to remember that it's just a case of doing what is necessary now for yourself and your girls to get by.  :)on't dwell on the past and future aspects of this if you can help it.  All we can do is handle the now.  

It sounds like you're a devoted father and are doing all you can to protect the girls from the emotional effects of this split.  You're doing your best by them, that's clear and they will grow up knowing that they are loved and valued.  Feel good about this.  Having them as much as you do is providing you with the purpose to keep pushing yourself to put one foot in front of the other too, which is a very good thing.  I'm blessed with a little boy who keeps me grounded and gives me a reason to want to make healthy decisions for his sake.  Is the custody arrangement with your children formal?  

Love and light x  

[Ironman85]

Thank you both for the support.

Things are progressing in their own way I suppose. The last couple days I've found anger in me that I haven't felt in a long long long long time. I seem to have gone down to my normal temperament since my meeting with my Bankruptcy trustee.

The custody arrangement and separation paperwork has been amicable and pretty clean. I fear this can change in the future, but one day at a time.

I have to see her 2 times every single day and I find when she is in front of me, I have no attraction to her. I have been focusing on what I dealt with and what I did, and I really couldnt have stopped this, only maybe delayed it longer. it was inevitable. No human can keep the worship phase forever, its unrealistic, and its what she expected ontop of me handling all the responsibilities alone.

Unfortunately, in ways she still has a hold on me psychologically. today the kids told me her boyfriend lost his wallet, so i wrote asking her if she needed money till tomorrow. It is stupid of me to do, and I am not proud of it I am just so programmed to think of her needs over mine.

I just keep reminding myself and focusing on the fact that there was nothing I could do, I am not worthless, she is a vampire, who takes what she can until it is depleted. She chose to abandon me, she chose to hop into bed with another, I cannot sit here and be her plan B (if that was even what she wanted when this one fails) I cannot keep being her savior. This is her bed, she must sleep in it. And I must make mine. I don't deserve this.

The problem is the brain and the heart dont always "sync" together. I have taken alot of lessons from this experience and I am optimistic it will all work out and one day I will hold someone who actually appreciates what I have to offer, someone who won't keep raising the bar of expectations until they no longer get a rush.

Thanks again, and any further reading is appreciated, the more I understand, the more it starts to make sense. But as you both probably know, it is almost impossible to not take this personally and feel like you weren't enough sometimes.

Thanks again.
 

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks again, and any further reading is appreciated, the more I understand, the more it starts to make sense. But as you both probably know, it is almost impossible to not take this personally and feel like you weren't enough sometimes.

Hi Ironman,

You're absolutely right - it is very difficult to not take it personally and it's for that reason I found the following article helped me enormously during the early stages of my breakup.  Apologies if we've shared this with you already, although I must say it is the single article I have most recapped during my journey to healing and I'm sure you'll see why.  It covers the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck. 

I'd be interested to know your thoughts on these and any you see applying to where you currently stand on things.  It gave me a yard stick to measure my growth as I let go of these one by one and I hope it can help you in the same way.

Surviving a breakup when your partner has Borderline Personality

Love and light x

[Ironman85]

Hi Ironman,

You're absolutely right - it is very difficult to not take it personally and it's for that reason I found the following article helped me enormously during the early stages of my breakup.  Apologies if we've shared this with you already, although I must say it is the single article I have most recapped during my journey to healing and I'm sure you'll see why.  It covers the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck. 

I'd be interested to know your thoughts on these and any you see applying to where you currently stand on things.  It gave me a yard stick to measure my growth as I let go of these one by one and I hope it can help you in the same way.

Surviving a breakup when your partner has Borderline Personality

Love and light x

Sure,

1. I think I am mostly past this stage, I am able to recognize that she wasn't the be all end all of my happiness. I can reflect and see that as special as i was meant to feel in the beginning and at times, it was not something I was feeling for a long time. I thought our relationship was maturing to the point we were content with living the normal adult life where people don't have to be attached at the hip constantly, I wasn't aware this was building resentment on her end, because she could never communicate. Even in the beginging, I felt she was coming on strong with the LOVE BOMBING, but i was in a fragile broken place that needed that kind of adoration. As I grew I didn't need it as much, but the seeds were planted subconsciously.

2. I am understanding she did not process feelings or have feelings the same way I did, everything was an accumulation. The bad always got added to the "ledger", no matter the promises the slate was wiped clean after each breakup. the only slates that were wiped clean were the positive ones. I even said this too her when we were breaking up. She only ever remembered the bad and never cared for or appreciated the good. She literally used excuses that were from outdated issues from years ago, as reasons we were over. I was and am aware she was only keeping tabs on the bad stuff, or the injustices she percieved.

3. This one is more complex, she spent 8 years telling me what I did wrong and what I failed to do right, too the point I beleived it. now some things were legit, I was distant and preocupied when I wasnt medicated for my anxiety until 2015, when I returned to my medication and calmed down (In hindsight it was too late for me, I had lost trust and a part of me never trusted she wouldnt find a new reason, i feel this is why i began drinking... .to give a tangible reason to be left, instead of vague "youre an a$$hole" excuses. She truly does distort facts and rewrite the truth to fit her inner monologue, instead of seeing her contribution to the breakdown of things, she sees herself as either not at fault, or not responsible for fixing her issues, I should only work on mine. I did try to make amends, telling her that even tho she beleived i didnt love her or whatever, providing examples of ways I cared and tried to show her love... .the response "I dont give a f%$k what you felt."

4. This is a problem to get past, I was always led to believe, from TV, Movies music etc. that the true bond of love can overcome anything (besides abuse). This particular one was a big factor in why i think that even tho i further adapted who I was to fit what she said I lacked since the last break-up, I just didn't fully feel invested or convinced the marriage was repaired. When we would reconcile, I would basically be told I deserved to be left and I needed to fix me for this too work, never an acknowledgement that she put me through hell and back before returning. There will never be an acknowledgement that she had any faults, I have never heard a story of an injustice or bad situation that she contributed too... .I reflect on how shes held a grudge against family members for losing her 16th birthday party after pushing her 3 year old cousin... .the narrative was "Well his mom shoulda kept him away from me and they took my party away"... .zero recognition that she was out of place or contributed to the punishment she received.

5. Non-issue, there is no going back, I personally can never trust her again, She has proven to seek her own happiness elsewhere, and I am painted black. I actually felt uncomfortable in ways during the Idealization stage, I liked the feelings for sure, but i knew they werent a realistic to keep going forever.

6.This one... .this is a big one. I get stuck on the "But she said forever" "she promised to never abandon me". Those ones stick, and usually trigger my sadness. I try to remind myself of some of the stuff she did and said and recognize the actions did not match the words.

7. I have no more delusions, she only sees the bad, 2 weeks ago I posted a quote that said "dont be sad they left you, feel bad that they left someone who never would"  she used a fake account she created to spy on my first ex to comment about how she tried for 7 years for me to "get my s- togther" then followed up with lies about how I was sleeping till 1pm in the afternoon and avoiding my kids... .I work at 5am... .I havent slept till noon since 2015 when I was on afternoons and working 2 jobs. I wont ever get my closure. any further attempts at getting heard just brings on more wrath, lies and placing blame on me.

8. I know this, I am nothing too her, nothing I did to make her feel special matters, its all Minus Signs now. I know this cuz I had to be the one to throw out all the momentos and gifts and cards etc. She wiped the positive past out and kept the resentment. She is off with her new toy, whom she has isolated from his friends and family by moving him accross the country and getting him a job. I do fear she will try to reconcile in the future if this fails, but it would only be because she needs her attention fix and I am the easiest way to get it. She is aware I am bent and probably counts on me being a plan b or plan c.

9. As mentioned before, I am still stuck here. i go out of my way to offer her help and try to be a friend. But I also know she isnt able to have friendships that are healthy, she discards and recycles friends often, currently she is "besties" with women we both made fun of.  I also recognize my intents on being friends is my own selfish way of trying to show her i am worthy and a good person.

10. I have no issues with this part, shes moved on to a new man, looks him in the eyes and says the things she said to me, probably... .defiantly, has used my deepest secrets and fears as a tool to bond with him and put me down.  she wont reunite or attempt unless she loses her current support systems. i, like everyone else to her, am replaceable.

[Harley Quinn]

Wow Ironman!  Thank you for this very thorough and thoughtful reply.  You really put some time into this.  No need to wonder if you looked at the article then... .

From your previous post, I'd picked up on your natural response to offer her support and I'm glad that you identified that #9 is a challenge for you.  I was definitely stuck with this one myself and it's a hard one to drop.  This part of the article really struck a chord with me:

Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

How did you feel as you looked at these and thought about where you are with things right now?  It seems to me that you're holding up well overall and with the ones you've identified as a bit sticky now, does this give you some clarity on what you can focus on from this point to help your detaching and healing?  The next step that I took was to read and re read the lessons (on the right of the board).  They helped me to gauge my progress and take a conscious approach.

We have a series of polls and discussions taking place based on the 10 beliefs and number 4 is currently live, along with the previous 3 that are still on the board.  I think that what you've done here would be valuable input into these and I'd encourage you to copy your thoughts into the threads as these can really help other members.  :)on't forget that each time you post it can give light to another who is able to relate to what you write, or to pick up a new perspective from you that they hadn't considered.  Everyone's input is making a difference here.  Here are the links to the first 4:

Were they the key to your happiness?

Believing that your partner feels the same way that you feel

Who or what was to blame?

Did you subscribe to the premise that love conquers all?

I hope you'll decide to add your comments to these and find them interesting reads too.

Love and light x

[Ironman85]

Wow Ironman!  Thank you for this very thorough and thoughtful reply.  You really put some time into this.  No need to wonder if you looked at the article then... .

From your previous post, I'd picked up on your natural response to offer her support and I'm glad that you identified that #9 is a challenge for you.  I was definitely stuck with this one myself and it's a hard one to drop.  This part of the article really struck a chord with me:

Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

How did you feel as you looked at these and thought about where you are with things right now?  It seems to me that you're holding up well overall and with the ones you've identified as a bit sticky now, does this give you some clarity on what you can focus on from this point to help your detaching and healing?  The next step that I took was to read and re read the lessons (on the right of the board).  They helped me to gauge my progress and take a conscious approach.

We have a series of polls and discussions taking place based on the 10 beliefs and number 4 is currently live, along with the previous 3 that are still on the board.  I think that what you've done here would be valuable input into these and I'd encourage you to copy your thoughts into the threads as these can really help other members.  :)on't forget that each time you post it can give light to another who is able to relate to what you write, or to pick up a new perspective from you that they hadn't considered.  Everyone's input is making a difference here.  Here are the links to the first 4:

Were they the key to your happiness?

Believing that your partner feels the same way that you feel

Who or what was to blame?

Did you subscribe to the premise that love conquers all?

I hope you'll decide to add your comments to these and find them interesting reads too.

Love and light x

Sure, Ill do it now. Kids are asleep.