My wife may have BPD. She is so demanding.

[victory15]

I have been marrying my wife for 20 years. We started out when we were 17 years old. She has been raised in a upper class family where her parent separated due to him cheating on her mother. Her mother didn't remarriage, she constantly said bad things to her about her farther (my wife told me so). Come back to my wife. My wife was/is really hot girl/woman. She is book smart, beautiful face, athletically curvy, and was very attractive. She didn't talk much though. She was "the Girl" that all of the boys that know her wanted her to be their girlfriend. I guess I was lucky!. She was my only lover and the only woman I've been with . I believe I was the same for her. During the 20 years relationship we have 2 children together. We both love our children. We both have high paying jobs in management position.

During our 20 years marriage, there were so many times, that she argued with me over nothing. The first year we was dating, she once was angry with me and wanted to separate because she discovered that I liked a girl 4 years ago (when I was 13 year old before I met her). She acted out like I cheated on her. It caused me heartace for days. I had to keep explaining myself that I didn't know her then. Sometimes my wife would be angry with me because I listen to certain songs and she associated those songs are for younger people not me. She would be very unhappy if one of the artist is women. On the other hand she would listen day and nights, research on young singers like (Charlie Puth you get the idea... .). I had to delete my library and not listen to the music I like to avoid troubles. We also have opposite hobbies. I want to explore nature, hiking, go to the beach, driving 4wd offroad, moutain bikes however my wife love shopping, high tea, chef hats restaurants and gardening. She would shout at me if I suggest any idea of doing anythings that I like. I don't know why we loved each other... .We probably love each other because of sex. Although I have not had sex with any other women, by comparison between her and other girls (in sex movies) i saw on internet, they were nowhere near as hot as my wife. She know how to please a man. I have no idea where she learned this because I know I am the only one she has slept with.

The thing that puzzle me most were her mood swings. She would say she love me and can't live without me and spend all of her time caring for me one day. The next day she is angry for very small things, for example I forgot to put my gym bag away. When we argue, normally about our different opinion of raising kids, she would never admit any wrong. She also usually upset with me if I go and play football with my friends. My team plays once per week for 2 hours. If the 2 days leading up to the soccer night, if I have not surprised her or do something extra special to her, i can guarantee that she will not allow me to go. In my free time, she constantly reminded me that I should stop reading books, or play Chess, or spending too much time with kids, instead I should spend time with her.

The disagreement turned to I didn't care about her and I was rude, zero sympathy, no EQ, bad example for her children etc... .Her swearing is quite common during this as well. I never be violence to her. She made me feeling very bad about myself.

One of her common lines when I disagree with her is "divorce". She always wanted to threatening me with divorce. If I said OK she would cry like I've just cheated on her. She said she has wasted her youth on me... .The moment I walked away she would run after me and ask me not to go. If I stay she will continue telling me how insensitive, rude and uncaring I was to her. I know if I shut up and keep apologizing she will be okay. But sometimes it is really hard (I can't apologize to her because I like certain songs, or like playing football, or reading books, or spending too much time with her kids).

She wants me to be around her all the time. She dislike me to have any friendships with others even if they are my mates. She would go to my Facebook and check on what I wrote to my soccer team forum. Once per year we have father day drinks (just drinks during day time and nothing else). She agreed but on the day she changed her mind. She said she was feeling lonely, she needs me to be around. I have to keep making out lies to my friends. When I stay back with her (obviously upset), she would be angry with me and ask why I didn't like staying with her. I feel hard to breath sometime. Sometime I just want to give up. Even when we are not arguing, she told me several times that she just need the house, our children and she doesn't need me.

We had a massive argument yesterday. 2 days ago my daughter needs to complete her research project. Because it is due the day after she came back from her school camp. I wanted her to complete it before she goes. My daughter had to spend the whole day to do it. My wife wanted her not to complete it and go. However, I insist that she complete it. She finally completed it but we have a massive argument. They cycle starts with a disagreement, then turn to I'm being rude, terrible husband, and not caring and not respecting her, I apologise to her several times for being loud. I also tried to do different things to please her like holding her. Finally, she pushed me away and asked me go out and let her alone. I did, but 5 minutes later, she then turned wanting for divorce because she accused me of not caring for her feeling. I had enough I said okay. We can divorce. She started crying more and abusing me of all the above again. I did manage to calm her down by saying I love her, and hug her. But deep down, I felt it was unfair, heart broken, I'm feeling hopeless at the moment.

What do i do?

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[Mutt]

Hi victord,   

The first year we was dating, she once was angry with me and wanted to separate because she discovered that I liked a girl 4 years ago (when I was 13 year old before I met her). She acted out like I cheated on her.

Maybe she had feelings like you didn't love her and you may leave her for someone else, a pwBPD have low self esteem, low self worth, self hate and self loath, she may been going through a self loathing period.

One of her common lines when I disagree with her is "divorce". She always wanted to threatening me with divorce. If I said OK she would cry like I've just cheated on her. She said she has wasted her youth on me... .The moment I walked away she would run after me and ask me not to go.

A central feature of BPD is the core wound of abandonment, abandonment fears, a pwBPD believe that everyone that they're close to is going to leave them, a pwBPD will also test you to put that theory to test, that distance then triggers the fear of abandonment and then they pull the closeness of the r/s then triggers the fear of engulfment, feeling like their losing their sense of self in the r/s. This push / pull behavior feels like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner.

We're not doctors and cannot diagnose, only a professional can do that, what we can look at are BPD traits. I suggest to really make yourself familiar with the disorder by reading as much as you can about it, it will help you in a couple of different ways, it help normalize the disorder because there's a lot of misinformation out there if you don't read medically accredited data information. Finally it will help you to depersonalize the behaviors, it's not personal to us it's something that a pwBPD go through, learn to become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it.

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm sorry that your going through a difficult time, it helps to talk to people that care relate with you and offer you guidance and support.

How is it going today? Did the topic of divorce come up?

BPD? How can I know?

[victory15]

Thank you for your reply. It is very frustrated and heart broken sometime. My wife and I make up yesterday. She is now a very sweet person. I don't think this will last very long. But I will try my best to stay calm and be there for her. I'll let you know how it went.