Prickly reactions to too many questions

[Lollypop]

Hi

The weeks are rolling by since my massive blow out with DS26. DS still wants to move out but motivation has ebbed because life and financial commitments obstruct him.

I'm getting frustrated suspect dragging of the feet.

I hear him get up for work this morning so decide to go downstairs and talk. Of course, practically, there's only a few minutes each week when he's fully able to engage with something serious (not tired, showered, stomach full, good night's sleep, good day at work, not in pain from an injury, no problems with friends etc etc). I haven't got the patience any more to pussyfoot around.

You hear back from the accountant?  (he has now registered as self employed and he needs income evidence for the flat). "No, I'll contact her to make sure she's got what she needs."

You said you were having difficulty with money this week. You still good for your  rent? "Yeah, I forgot to get it out last night so I'll do it today."

How did xxxx get in with sorting out the flat viewing? (This is the girl he's going to share with who is the organised one and he's desperate to share with). "Oh, she's digging her heels in." Oh why I ask. "Well, they never got back to her and she's miffed about it". I say that this situation is getting awkward.

Ggggrrrrrr.

So I tell him that it's a good flat, right place for her work, right price. I'm getting concerned that she's reluctant to share together and that I need to say so.

He gets prickly. "I can't think about this right now, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm thinking about going to work and I can't think about this now," he's gets agitated.

Too many things said by me.  Accountant - rent - moving out.

I calm him down. It's ok, I understand, we can talk another time.

He's gone to work irritated.

But seriously, I need him to get a shift on. I know him so very well and there's always going to be resistance, time passes, it'll take months at his speed.

I'm tempted to book a flat viewing myself. This is crossing the line of interference. I'm tempted to contact xxxx and push her, again this is not my business.

What I need to do is try and talk to my DS and provide a deadline. We are already helping with the money for the deposit.

All that is needed is for them to find something they like.

Rant over

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi

Update.

When I get into one of those moods I don't learn to step back. I want to take action to alter my feeling of powerlessness.

Thankfully, this time, it's worked out ok.

I messaged xxxx and she's provided some reassurance that they are looking every day, she's waiting for her pay at the end of the month. We've had a mutual validating exchange of texts and I've promised to back off now.

Better communication. It's a shame I've had to involve a third person to find out what's going on.

Next time I'll try hard not to act immediately.  I'll try and talk to my DS having prepared for the conversation

LP

[Lollypop]

So DS opened up again, repeated his complaints about us. This time I was able to validate. There was quite a bit of healthy exchange of viewpoints.

Here's what I've learnt.

My DS is rigidly stuck in victim mode. Without an external influence (treatment or a very good wise friend who offers a different idea) or him working in his issues this situation will remain.

We on the other hand are in a very different place. Our lives have moved on and we aren't so emotionally caught up in his problems. I learnt the phrase "let go of the banana" if it's causing you pain and suffering. That's what we've done, we've let him go. .

We've worked hard on better communication and validation. We've bent ourselves towards him, been patient and allowed him the space for him to develop. We've aligned ourself towards his needs.

My DS cannot align himself towards us because as he says "you disapprove of my drug use". I can't socially interact with you ever because I take drugs and I take drugs because of you.

If this was a marriage then we'd get divorced. Unfortunately, this isn't as easy as that.

We are in the same song sheet regarding his independence. We want him to go. He wants to go.

These heart wrenching talks are extremely upsetting. He regurgitates the same stories. I politely point out his discrepancies between his memory and the facts. For instance, "you never allowed me to have a relationship with my brother and you screamed at me all the time. I was scared and hated being in the house."

I told him I'd never not allowed him to spend time with his brother, he was always available. He should hold himself accountable for that relationship. I didn't scream at him all the time. There was a 12 month period where we had about four big arguments; I was conscious of not letting my younger son being aware of the drug use and do tried to keep the lid on. I remind DS him that he chose to leave on my birthday as he told me he was taking ketamine in work.

I don't know if my trying to justify or reason was right in this situation. If I do nothing then I believe I'm confirming his memory. His thinking is skewed and his memory isn't always corrrect. His feeling = fact. He twist and turns to suit himself.

I'm sorry this is going on too long.

In a nutshell - I hope independence changes his attitudes and behaviours. What I think will happen is that he will further distance himself from us. This will remain until any time that he has a long term relationship with a non drug user who is interested in having a better relationship with us. I'm not holding my breath.

I've done my very best.

These talks are exhausting emotionally. I'm just a mum and not qualified or have the expertise to deal with this. Trying hard to be the parent he needs. Sheesh, it's not easy.

LP

[Feeling Better]

Hi Lollypop

I just want to thank you for your posts, it's great that you share what's going on in your life with us.

Yes, it's amazing isn't it what we put up with where our offspring are concerned, anyone else would have been booted out long ago and become a distant memory.

You definitely have your eyes wide open when it comes to dealing with your son and you have recognised that the future you would like with your son may not be the one you get.

As you say, you are just a mum, like a lot of us, doing the best that you can x

[Lollypop]

Thanks feelingbetter

I do wonder about my posts. I'm struggling like everybody else. I'm glad you get something from them. I thought got Id try sharing more.

LP

[incadove]

Hi Lollypop

Yes, thanks for sharing!  Sometimes I'm hesitant to share details, but I really do appreciate reading and understanding what you and others are going through!

Curious, what do you think of/have you tried the NVC methods (non-violent communication, marshall rosenberg)?  The point of those, is that  you share your own feeling/need in authentic way but at the end you make a small concrete request, without asking the other person to agree with your point of view. Whenever I do that I think it helps make a bit of progress, but my dd's are not living with me and so that also makes it so much easier! 

[Huat]

Hello Lollypop:

I marvel at your patience, Lollypop. I read your posts and hold my breath as you write about getting to the point where your son will move out on his own.  Phewwwww!

We have experienced drug abuse with one of our children... .not with the undiagnosed BPD'er, though. Mind you, with that said, she did experiment with drugs when she was a teen and our rocky journey with her was on its way. Seems some can be left unscathed and go on to lead "normal" lives... .but not all.

Reading between the lines, seems I am much more advanced in age than you.  I have almost 40 years in behind me of hearing I am the reason for my uBPD's problems.   The turning point for me came when I refused to give her more money and then had the F-bomb hurled at me.   While others may have lived through worse coming from their children, that was the brick wall for me... .knowing something had to change.  This time I stand my ground... .we next meet each other in a counsellor's office but, sadly, she is adamant that will never happen... .with me.  Hmmm?

I know enough not to give you advice because all of our circumstances are different.  I feel the emotion in your posts... .some you refer to as "rants."  For you, this forum is giving you a way to release some of the steam... .and then you go on to be more methodical in dealing with your son.  I applaud you, Lollypop!  No one can accuse you of not doing your homework.  You've been through the mill and you have so much to offer to the rest of us because of your experiences.  Comfort comes in knowing we are not alone in our struggles.

Had this not all happened to you and your family, you would not be the strong woman you are today.  You go, Girl!

[Lollypop]

Awh Huat

I'm done, I really am. I don't know what I'd have done without you all.

I'm glad you have other children and that marvellous husband of yours. He's a keeper! 

LP

[wendydarling]

Prickle me friend 

Two years ago we met here 

Your son was bunked up in his room, black, in pain, no communication, my DD was hospitalising herself, now managing her BPD!

You set yourself 3 goals

Build your core relationship and family wellbeing 
Teach financial management 
Living independently, on his way 

You are done, detaching with love. He'll always remember what you've done for him LP your care and love, despite his feelings right now. 

What next LP 

As Huat says go girl 

WDx

[wendydarling]

Oh and my goals two years ago

Connecting with my suicidal DD 
Supporting her while waiting for treatment 
Gently cheerleading her 12month DBT treatment, recovery/management 

Wondering about my next steps LP and everyone! I'm thinking.

WDx