BPD and Chronic Adultery

[KgirlD]

Hi, I'm new to this... .and I guess I'm here because I'm feeling desperate. My spouse has recently been diagnosed with BPD. I have known of course that there is something wrong for a long time, but only now have a diagnosis that I can begin to understand. He is in therapy now, but doesn't discuss his progress with me.
I guess first of all, I am wondering whether adultery is often a problem with BPD?
We have been married for 34 years and he has had 5 affairs that I am sure of, and many emotional affairs or inappropriate friendships with other women. We are currently working our way out of #5 and I am feeling extraordinarily broken.
I am devoted to my marriage and the vows I've taken, and I believe that even though living with him can be hard, divorce would be far worse for my children. I want my marriage to succeed, but I'm kind of losing it here. I could really use someone to talk to.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[confused4now]

    I don't think any of us end up here on a good day. Last year after my husband left discarded me for the 11th time in 5 years, I found Dr's BPD diagnosis. He ended up returning, and I found out about affairs too. I couldn't wrap my head around it. We tried to rally but I couldn't take it anymore. I will say, I wish I would have done so many things different. I wish I would have done what I am doing now. I would read as much as you can about this illness. It helps take the emotion out of his behavior. It's great you are here for support. I kept reading all the post, and tried to understand how others were coping. I also started therapy with a BPD therapist.  Unfortunately, I did not do any of this until I was depleted. After I found out, I went into denial, and felt like it was his problem to fix. I know now, it was mine too. Try not to make any major decisions until you get help sorting out your feelings, and advice on positive changes that you can help you not spin out.

[toomanydogs]

Hi, I'm new to this... .and I guess I'm here because I'm feeling desperate. My spouse has recently been diagnosed with BPD. I have known of course that there is something wrong for a long time, but only now have a diagnosis that I can begin to understand. He is in therapy now, but doesn't discuss his progress with me.
I guess first of all, I am wondering whether adultery is often a problem with BPD?
We have been married for 34 years and he has had 5 affairs that I am sure of, and many emotional affairs or inappropriate friendships with other women. We are currently working our way out of #5 and I am feeling extraordinarily broken.
I am devoted to my marriage and the vows I've taken, and I believe that even though living with him can be hard, divorce would be far worse for my children. I want my marriage to succeed, but I'm kind of losing it here. I could really use someone to talk to.

Hi KgirlD
Welcome. 
For someone to talk to and a place where you can get support, you've come to the right place. I can't think of many on this forum who haven't been in situations similar to yours.
I can imagine how broken you're feeling. Adultery is probably the hardest on me of all my H's behaviors. I am in a different place than you, as he and I are heading for divorce--he initiated.
It's my understanding that impulsivity goes hand in hand with BPD, which frequently leads to affairs. I knew my H was addicted to porn. However, I've only recently discovered that he was masturbating when our cleaning lady was in the guest house with him. Had I known, I probably would have reported it to my H's psychiatrist.
Are you in therapy? Therapy, in my opinion, can be extremely helpful. Also, as substance abuse can go along with the BPD, AlAnon can be helpful, as well.
How about friends? Family? Have you let anyone know what's going on?
You'll make it through this. You will.
Welcome!
TMD

[Tattered Heart]

HI KgirlD,

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. I can imagine how hurt you are right now. 34 years is a very long time. You have been through a lot together.

Are you in counseling for yourself? This could really help you work through some of the hurt and feelings you are going through. Were the affairs long term affairs or with random people? Did he tell you about the affairs or did you find out for yourself?