BPD

[Iskra2]

I am new to this site. I have a mother who I think is BPD. It is very hard to tell, but, I think so. I read a statement, if having a conversation with her is like stepping on a beehive, well, yes that is definite yes. So anyway, she is 90, I come from a family of 10 and I am the scapegoat. I am super compassionate and sensitive. When she needs help, she calls me, it breaks my heart to hear her suffering. I try to help, but also know that no matter what I do, I will be accused of some wrong. I can never be right, or OK. I'm getting better at distance, the last distress call I waited 15 minutes before calling her back, by then my brother was getting prepared to rescue her.
I am getting better at having less contact, but dread the day she has a stroke or breaks a hip and I have to go visit her. I'm dreading her asking for my help and feeling so conflicted. I am a doctor and she despises doctors. How I could have chosen this career? It may have been an act of defiance.
Any advice on how to handle this?

[Sprinkledinkles]

Ambivalence is a common theme around here so trust you're not alone and perfectly normal amongst us and the rest of the world where mother is concerned. Living in fear of remaining healthy but losing a disordered parent is so tough for many of us. It doesn't have to be a choice of remain or walk. What is a choice is how we receive them. Acceptance is huge. You know the patterns of her behaviour towards you. When she's good she's great but when it's bad it's terrible. So coming up with a way to feel ok with yourself when it's bad is something to focus on. Boundaries are personal rights of ours that we choose for ourselves. For us alone. If she's name calling or having an angry outburst simply walking away or hanging up is a way to keep yourself ok. That leaves the ball in her court.

Walking away is an option too and nothing to feel guilty over. She gets one life and if it sucks well that sucks but you only get one life too. If it were anyone else you would walk so realizing it's sometimes too much is something some of us have to choose for ourselves and just walk away.

Understanding what FOG is and how they use it on us is crucial, whether they are actively in our presence or in our psyche. I would suggest reading up on that.

As for your career choice, it's a very respected career and something to be extremely proud of. You know that deep down so please don't ever let anyone rob you of that. If you were my child I'd be ear to ear with a smile, very proud of you. My one son wants to be a police officer and the other a construction worker, both awesome choices that THEY get to choose for themselves and as long as they're proud of themselves and happy with their choices I couldn't be happier for them. My point is you need to nurture yourself with the mothering was lacking.

[Panda39]

Hi Iskra2,

I want to join Sprinkledinkles and welcome you to the BPD Family 

Sprinkledinkles (great name  ) mentioned both FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail and boundaries both really important to  know about.

It really helps to not take things personally when you are able to recognize the FOG.  Once you start seeing it you can see that it is about your mom and her issues and nothing about you.  It is a tool of manipulation that she uses to get what she wants.    Don't fall for it you do what you think is best for you.

More information on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Boundaries are key to our own well being and are about protecting ourselves and our values.

If she's name calling or having an angry outburst simply walking away or hanging up is a way to keep yourself ok. That leaves the ball in her court.

Above are good examples of boundaries.  I can hear you thinking but hanging up on my mom is so rude!  But who is truly being rude and inappropriate here?  One thing about boundaries is they are yours to enforce, pwBPD (people with BPD) will always try an boundary bust so expect it and stick to your boundary.  Your mom might start acting like a 5 year old when faced with a boundary... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

The same pattern of behavior can happen with your adult mom when you set a boundary with her. 

You're on the phone with your mom and she becomes verbally abusive, you say mom I know you're upset right now, but I am going to end this call if you don't stop yelling.  She continues to yell.  You hang up.  My guess is the FOG will begin, you'er so terrible how could you hang up on your mother! (FObligationGuilt).  I would just reinforce the boundary, mom I'm more than happy to talk to you when you aren't yelling at me.  She calls again, yells again, you hang up again.  Now she ups the anty and gives you the silent treatment (yep back to FOG again).  You don't respond and wait for her to call again and when she does she yells again, you hang up and this time she badmouths you to the rest of the family (FOG some more!).  You ignore this... .don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) this just leads to circular arguments or puts you on the Karpman Drama Triangle. She calls again, she yells again, you tell her you will be hanging up if she doesn't stop yelling and she finally stops yelling.  Learning the lesson could take many tries, and she could slip back to her old pattern every now and then (testing your boundary), but things can improve one step at time.

More information on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

More on the Karpman Drama Triangle, do you see yourself and other family members moving around the Triangle? 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I've given you a lot to chew on so I'm going to stop while I'm ahead    I'm glad you've decided to jump in and post.  I know other members will be along with their support, observations and suggestions.

Take Care,
Panda39