POLL Belief 4: Love can prevail

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Nicely said, Chynna.  You need two fully functioning oars to power a rowboat.

Despite the statistics, it doesn't seem like too tall of an order to me, if both parties are "pretty much on the same page and interested for the most part," as you put it.

LJ

[Lucky Jim]

Nicely said, Chynna.  You need two fully functioning oars to power a rowboat.

Despite the statistics, it doesn't seem like too tall of an order to me, if both parties are "pretty much on the same page and interested for the most part," as you put it.

LJ

[Chynna]

Hey LJ, yeah I get what you're saying but at this point (i.e. where I am in healing), there's going to have to be A LOT of zero-in discerning ( as there should be even in healthy r/s... .from my vantage point, even healthy r/s don't seem to take this step seriously) prior to this type of long term committment. But then perhaps there would be fewer marriages. I NEVER WANT TO BE HURT THIS WAY AGAIN! (and I feel from many posts here that I have been spared a lot of what many here have experienced. I would rather be alone... .

[Lucky Jim]

Like what you're sayin' Chynna.  Agree on zero-ing in beforehand and, like you, would rather be alone than go through the BPD wringer again.  I'm unsure of your situation, but happy to hear that you've avoided what many us here have experienced.  In my case, that was a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD along with two children in the mix.  I bottomed out, which was not fun.  Now I'm back on my path.

LJ

[Chynna]

LJ,hugs to for all you & your little family endured. I really hope you're all doing better. I'll get into specifics but for now I promised my dog a hike for today. I really do hope everyone is on that healing path... .it's most definitely not easy.

[Aesir]

For the most part. I was very idealistic and naïve

[Zen606]

Hi Chynna,
Yes, relationships are very difficult to maintain. Doing one's own psychological work while in a relationship is important, actually essential. Meeting someone special and falling in love is not the end all, as many of us believe. I have learned the hard way that you are the one responsible for you and no one else can carry that responsibility. Thus we do our own work, which can only enhance the relationship. Being on that path, one pretty quickly can tell if this is a relationship one wants to stay in. 

Zen 606

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Everyone,

It seems that all of the posts contained truths about love and its power in relationships.  I checked “very much so”.  I saw there were problems from the beginning, but as it is said, “The heart has reasons that reason cannot know.”  I did think that love would prevail.

I kept believing it, and as Mutt said earlier in the post, I too believed that if I just tried harder, he would see how much I loved him and how much his actions hurt me.  I think the problem with that was, he could see how much I was hurt, and I would get an apology. The relationship would breathe new air for a short time and then back to walking on eggshells followed by an inevitable blow up.  Cycling through this time and time again.

I found that my love could not heal the past hurts that he was not willing or able to work at healing for himself.  It was like trying to put a bandaid over a gaping wound.

Also, I came to the relationship with insecurities and a lack of boundaries.  I thought that his love would make me feel secure and that we wouldn’t need boundaries - we would be one (naive, I know).

After reading, studying and therapy, I learned that I had an unhealthy attachment to my husband. 

After being separated for 4 months now, I saw him today and we hugged.  There is still love there, but love is not enough to overcome the challenges.  I’m no longer in denial about the insurmountable difficulties that plagued our relationship.

It’s taken a long time, but I am gaining myself back a little at a time.  I am coming to terms with the fact that  if I am to have a peaceful existence, which is so important to me, if I am to have self respect, safety, and health, we cannot continue in this dysfunctional relationship.

I’m no longer trying to love him to health.  Instead, I’m attempting to love myself to health.

Thanks, LJ for always reminding us to love ourselves.  Peace and blessings, Mustbe

[Zen606]

Hi Mustbe,
So many of the things you say that you brought to the relationship, ring bells for me. Having several major childhood issues that still need processing I can now see why I would have become involved with my bp trait ex.
And yes, when you say, "Love is not enough to overcome the challenges" this also feels true for me, although I believed when the last break up happened,  that if we -- my bp trait ex and I -- loved each other, the struggle to make things work would be part of the relationship.  But to make things work cannot be part of the relationship with a bp trait partner, instead, painful separations and re-cycles are the pattern in general. For me the break-up with my ex put me on the path of analysis and it is now that I am doing my own childhood work, long neglected. So painful things must happen for a reason.

Zen606

[Mustbeabetterway]

Zen606,  good for you for working on childhood issues.  I find it to be a difficult and sometimes painful process, but the insight I have gained has ultimately helped me to have more mental clarity. 

There are many painful things that seem to have no purpose, but we can use them to learn.  I truly believe that in everything is a lesson if we are only willing to learn it.  Once learned, we can accept what is and then possibly progress.

Good luck in your journey!

Mustbe

[Zen606]

Hi Mustbe,
It is a painful process, one that sometimes when you least expect it and you think you have got an issue down, back one goes again to step 3 or 4 because something is still unresolved. Its a beautiful process to watch an unfolding of you, and one gets to flirt with the unconscious, even to negotiate with it, but yes also painful. Have you read the Scott peck book, "The road less traveled"?

Zen606

[Mustbeabetterway]

Zen606, yes I have.  It is one of my favorites.  I actually read it in the 80s, now I am telling my age.  Still have it on my bookshelf with other favorites.  

I was in my early twenties, trying to finish college, married with a toddler.  My older siblings were floundering and I was trying to learn to take responsbility for my decisions and persevere in raising a family, working part time and finishing my degree.  I learned from that book to accept that life was hard and you just had to get on with it.  I finished my degree and have had a successful career. Raised a wonderful responsible daughter.  

I applied the lesson to my marriage - work hard and it will succeed.  :)idn't quite work like that.  

[Mustbeabetterway]

Second part of my post -

What does the book mean to you?  What is your take away?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Mustbe

[Zen606]

Hi Mustbe,
You took responsibility of your life, parallel to what Peck says about taking responsibility for our psychological health.  Life is hard and living without understanding oneself makes things so much harder. 

Trying hard is key to success in a romantic relationship but with a BPD or trait partner, unless they are in treatment and are making progress, there is no happy ending.
Zen606

 

[Zen606]

Hi Mustbe,
What "The road less traveled" means to me is responsibility to one's self- being truthful and honest with you and being willing to take steps delving into the unconscious through psychological work. It was the first book I re-read when I went into analysis --- then I knew that doing the work was the step for me. 

Peck is also a spiritual individual and he incorporates his beliefs into the book. I am no longer a Catholic and prefer to not follow an organized religion, but his approach to spirituality shows the type of person he is, making his words so much more wise despite my personal feelings.
Zen606