I lost my cool

[confusedbloke]

I repeat - I lost my cool... .Damn!

My ex got in touch again today saying she couldnt pick her stuff up.  It was suggest to me by Skip to post them.  I didnt.

It is so easy to slip back into old habits with her - and Im absolutely not interested.  So god knows what its like for those that are still in love... .Must be so hard... .

After a few emails today she sent this... .after I said shes just mentally holding on to things... .and ignoring my response to swap stuff.

***

I'm not holding onto anything and yes I do want my stuff back as it happens and it's not weird to  ask, I did ask a few weeks ago if you remeber, as far as not replying in an hour, I'm not sat in front of emails and as far as asking if you'd been dating, no it's not my business it was a conversation and I remember you asking me plenty the same thing
 
Thanks for being arsy

***


My last email:

I just want you to get your stuff (her name).  You are transparent and contacted me yesterday coz  you had a panic on or one of your mates told you some crap about me.  I bet you were like this with ex bf when we first met.  I just cannot trust you.  Never could,  never will and I don’t want it anymore.
 
All this "despite what you told me about going on a date" business... .Its got nothing to do with you what I do... ! Abs f*** all. I don’t ask you... .
and I may have asked you but that was ages ago and things are  different now and we are fully separated, and I feel fully single. 
And you don’t believe me anyway.  Oh god deja  vue!  So what if I told you I have had dates?  What are you trying to achieve? 
Not that you'll answer, you'll just change the conversation or not respond... .wow arggh... .you’ve got me to  bite again... . 
 
And yes I still blame you for everything, and my opinion will never ever change.  But Im not angry, Im just f****** free of your tyranny and abuse.


***

She responded:


I just wanted to arrange to collect my things, I'll try again at a later date

Many Thanks


***

But I dont want this hold on me.  On my way home from work tonight I will drop her stuff off at her friends garden and text her to throw my stuff out as I dont want it.  I will also tell her that she no longer needs to text me. 

She knows exactly how to grind my gears, and remain utterly innocent.

Im so annoyed with myself for biting... .  But one thing will be for sure, she will have abs no reason to contact me... .  Im done.  I want this woman away from me... .  Its over... .

[Skip]

But I dont want this hold on me.  On my way home from work tonight I will drop her stuff off at her friends garden and text her to throw my stuff out as I dont want it.  I will also tell her that she no longer needs to text me.  

She knows exactly how to grind my gears, and remain utterly innocent.

Im so annoyed with myself for biting... . But one thing will be for sure, she will have abs no reason to contact me... . Im done.  I want this woman away from me... . Its over...

Why are you reacting so strongly to a request for her stuff and a couple of questions (like are you involved with someone else). Yes, the questions was a little boundary busting on her part, but you could have just not answered the question.

Drop of the books.  I wouldn't send a note or tell her to throw your stuff away.  Let go. There is no win in this.

You'll feel better about it a week from now when you look back.

[once removed]

It is so easy to slip back into old habits with her

try something new

surely you dont want to rehash the same relationship fights.

dont blow this up with that stuff. keep it to business.

never more applicable than when we are losing our cool: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[Freeatlast_1]

This is so funny. When my ex and I broke up Oct of 2016, we dated others. Of course I did a casual dating spree for 7 months and she got in a RELATIONSHIP for 7 months and then we got back together. The funny thing is that during the 7 months she would text me monthly, trying to ask me "are you seeing anyone"? the answer was always YES. Then she would go on to say "I miss you, he's priming me for you, I am working on myself to by a better partner for you through making mistakes again and learning from them so I can be healthy for you... ." that sort of stuff to mess with my head and she did. I kept the hope that she is working on herself, her being a therapist, and who has gone through DBT once and will continue to do so, she is one who acknowledges her BPD and wants to get better, very smart woman. So when I got back with her 7 months later, all that break, the therapy etc, didn't lead to anything different. I noticed I had become resentful from all the fights that started with the old r/s and the second one, all added up and I've become distant and angry with her. Her BPD kind of was passed to me, like an infection. I push pulled too, would drop her then accept her back then drop her. She came back and finally dropped me so that she keeps the power. Now she is dating someone new, which hurts a lot. I anticipate a text from her when the honeymoon period is over with her, and I won't take it nicely then. Honestly, I want another recycle but I am scared for my nerves, and my heart. But I miss her so much. This is the strangest feeling I've ever had. I hope this passes.

[confusedbloke]

Skip, because I'm sensitized to her. I know her. I know it looks bad, but she plays a psychological game. It's hard to explain... .and I lost my cool... .if you guys who have experienced BPD are struggling to understand, imagine the hell I've been through with others that are unaware of it... .

She has abused me for months and I don't want it now. Although I can't stop talking about it. Sorry!

Once, I don't want any fights with her anymore. I just want her to leave me alone. And in order to do that, after today's emails I just went round to her friends house, put her books in a bag in the garden, without forwarning her... .and I sent this text... .

***
Hi I've put your books in (your friends) front garden. I don't want my stuff so please throw it.  there really is no need to stay in touch now. Bye (exes name)  take care of yourself. I wish you well

***

I wanted to be nice at the end as it's self preservation. She's capable of anything...   I don't want to give her any excuse to do anything

[confusedbloke]

Hi freeatlast... .yeah I can relate... .I started to push pull too. I started to copy her personality because I didn't think it was fair that she could treat me like that and have no remorse. I actually hate this woman. I hate that she has made me hateful. Because I'm just not like that... .I get on with everyone... .Kids, ex wife (and when you're ex wife says "you're just not like that" you know that she has ruined you. She is utter poison and has no place in my world... .good bye to it

[Freeatlast_1]

Hi freeatlast... .yeah I can relate... .I started to push pull too. I started to copy her personality because I didn't think it was fair that she could treat me like that and have no remorse. I actually hate this woman. I hate that she has made me hateful. Because I'm just not like that... .I get on with everyone... .Kids, ex wife (and when you're ex wife says "you're just not like that" you know that she has ruined you. She is utter poison and has no place in my world... .good bye to it

Same, I was talking to my Ex ex gf and I was telling her about my ex, she said wow, you never got this aggressive. You've always talked so calmly the worse you would said was "STOP!". I told her how aggressive I got with this ex, she was shocked! said I have to get back to me, Im better than that. I also talked to my other ex before her, same thing! all are shocked of what has become of me.

[Jami]

All this just rings a bell. We had split up since a month, keeping a relatively respectful LC. One day he texts me to ask if we could meet for a chat "not about us, about life." i took it as a positive sign that i wasn't split black in his head and texted fine, this week i cannot but next week with pleasure.

Next day, he tries to call me at 2:30 AM. I do not respond. In the morning i start worrying about him being ok, and send a text to say that if he needs to talk he can call me. He calls me in rage. Out of the blue. Says he'll come tomorrow to pick up all his stuff, which implies 50% of the furniture in my home, including the bed i sleep in and the couch. I say this will not be possible, i will be at work and we're basically talking about a moving, which implies hours of preparation and hours of rearrangement afterwards. We can fix a date next week.

But he's so mad for no reason and spits so much venom on me that i just flip. I loose my temper. My whole body is shaking and i suddenly realise that i just NEED to EXPELL him form my home, for good. Mind you, this happens after months of abuse and psychological torture, so it's just the drop that spilled the cup.

I call him back and announce that i'll put all his things outside, in the courtyard. He may come to pick everything up in two days, when i'll be away. Take it or leave it. The rush of adrenaline provides my body with superhuman strength, gives me the power to lift heavy furniture on my own, willing to get it out for good.

After that, the backlash. Mean to the bone and terrifying. I guess he was shocked to see all his things "expelled" from what had been his comfortable nest, and it surely triggered his fear of abandonment. I didn't know about BPD at the time. It wasn't a smart thing to do. But this is another story.

What makes me think (a lot) is the aggressiveness i was cable of coming up with during this r/s. The intensity of the abuse, manipulation, lies, withheld truths, silent treatments, attacks and constantly lingering paranoia about the eggshell wore me out to the point of losing my temper more than once. I crashed a plate in frustration. I've broken glass. I yelled and screamed. I even threw him a lighter in the face, once, after three hours of verbal abuse in the middle of the night. I always felt bad afterwards, this was so not me, so below my principles. And he would gladly "use" my losing it to spread some fog and gaslight me: you see? The problem is you.

What i wish to say, i guess, is that BPD relationships are extremely tough to handle. They can trigger our primitive fight-or-flight instincts and lead us back to what we were millions of years ago: uncivilised, bestial survivors.

I nourish a profound admiration for the many folks on here who describe their immense capacity to handle their pwBPD in a poised, though-through, trained manner. Who can understand what is going on in their twisted perceptions and react accordingly, as to not escalate their dysfunction. It must have taken them (you) years to reach that kind of wisdom. I understand that i have so much to learn.

So, confusedbloke, i can totally relate to your story. Don't be too harsh on yourself for loosing your cool.

[In a bad way]

        I repeat - I lost my cool... .Damn!       

You are only human, we all snap in the end it's only natural.
Are we expected to be treated like crap from them for no reason and not lose it?
NO!
Although by doing so we play right into their hands so they can turn round and say "you are aggressive  you shouted at me and swore at me"
Yeah right, that's what they did to us EXCEPT they had no reason.
in my case I treated her like a princess, I did everything for her and her kids... .my reward? Shouted at... .swore at... .blamed for everything... .All out of the blue.
Nice night?  Yes... .treated like crap for no reason later on ... .yes.

[confusedbloke]

Skip is right... .its a dance.  And Ive woken up this morning and I now feel bad that I sent that and stupidly I sent an apology text and its opened up a dialogue with her.

And Ive got straight back into it.

I just dont know how to get out of it.  I know I dont want her, but yet I still feel sorry for her because I know she didnt mean to be crap to me... .I think thats the problem.
Also I get so frustrated that she cannot see the situation and she blames me, never herself.  So each time she texts it just winds me up.

I got annoyed yesterday as she wouldnt believe that I hadnt been on a date.  Im still trying to convince her that Im not lying even though Im not with her! Its crazy! I shouldnt be bothered that she doesnt believe me... .but I am.  I cant help it... .

I just want her to leave me alone, but each time she contacts me I just literally cannot help but reply... .  She said "So you want me to throw your clothes and pictures of your children out?"... .  I just said "Yes"... .

It feels like we are still attached, and I was breaking away well.  Why am I so attached to this woman who treated me like crap?  When I don't hear from her I'm fine... .  And now I'm arguing with her over emails... .  I want this madness to stop. 

[AnuDay]

These emails are so funny because they are exactly what I would have written.  They bait you to get mad so that you can feel the same way that they feel, thereby you validate their emotions. Don't do it my friend.  They also need to be yelled at so that you can validate the worthlessness they feel inside.  They use you to feed their own low self worth.  This is why it is very important to have distance when communicating with them after the break.  You also need to space out your responses.  I rarely respond to exes calls.  It's ALWAYS trivial and self-serving.  I answer texts the next day or two or even four days later when I am in a better frame of mind "like a f"ckit mindstate or when I'm too tired to get riled up.  It truly is abuse, they rarely follow through with their threats though.  They are really fragile little people who put up this huge psychological front that we can't seem to figure out, granted I have a lot of strong women in my life who help me see through my xpwBPDs ploys. They also help me keep my ship steady.  You must be firm and steady when dealing with the ex.  A lot of guys here are giving mixed signals because they want a recycle.  It's also very easy to get off topic arguing with BPDs or mentally unstable peoplein general.  Getting healthy for us is all about regaining control over our lives, thoughts, and emotions.  You need distance to do this. My ex has been trying to get her stuff for months.  I sat it inside by my door waiting for her once, she couldn't carry it all and called me an a$$hole.  I threw her stuff outside so fast... .well that got her really riled up.  She started banging on my door and ringing the doorbell.  I started to call the police on her.  She knows not to try crazy stuff with me now because I will call the police.  Now she politely asks if she can come get her stuff or if she can come over.  She politely asks me to leave stuff outside for her.  It's a world of difference once you regain control.  Sometimes I ignore her altogether.  We don't have to put up with the abuse. Once you realize this... .which it seems you have, your life changes. Let's check our own self worth.

[confusedbloke]

That's good advice AnuDay.

We'd had NC for 9 days and I was really enjoying my freedom... .a lot thanks to this forum for support.  Then out of the blue I get a mail asking if she can pick her stuff up (2 cook books!)... .it escalated and I guess I was annoyed that she had the cheek to ask if Id had a date and then when I reluctantly answered "No", she didn't believe me anyway.  Its nothing to do with her.  And I let it rattle my cage.  She never believes a word so why ask?... .oh we all know the stories... .all so similar... .  She was using the books as an excuse to re-engage.  Its obvious.

The convo has ended today on an amicable note after a heated email exchange.  I wont be getting in touch with her, but yes I need to learn to "take time out" WHEN(!) she gets in touch again.  I guess I'm still angry with her, and want to JADE... .I know utterly pointless, and the crap responses just wind me up even more... .

Yes, I have realised I don't need the abuse, its just knowing how to get through this stage, as I still don't like being rude if someone texts etc... .  But I like your approach.  I think she knows now that I mean business as she never ever is the first one to contact me... .it was always me, and she would ignore me when I tried to make up... .This angered me of course and I verbally abused her.  But now I'm happy not to speak as I seem to be detaching nicely... .I just need extra skills to know what to do as these set backs are going to happen and I need to deal with them...

Thanks!

[AnuDay]

The first two weeks were rough for me.  Then I sort of got the hang of how to engage with normal women.  People took me out and invited me to summer events to get my mind off things.  Then I started going out alone.  I really had to rebuild my self esteem.  I bought a bunch of new clothes and toys for myself, worked on my car.  Worked several hours of overtime.  Consistently staying busy has helped me.  I don't have time to JADE or argue about petty things.  Spend time talking to normal people.  You have to truly become so disgusted with the pwBPDs behavior that her fantastic looks/sex/"innocentness"/ become totally irrelevant and worthless in your eyes.  I remember a story my xgfwBPD told me that I will never forget.  She said she was simply standing in line at Jack in the Box when some man also in line looked at her and started making noises like "yuck, eughh, disgusting".  My xgfwBPD is beautiful on the outside. She thought it was because she was 10 lbs overweight.  Today I now see what that clairvoyant stranger saw years ago in the line at that restaurant.