My ex doesn't remember abusing me but I can't go a day without thinking about it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm feeling terrible today. In the grand scheme of things, I am doing better- I hardly ever cry over my ex, I have moments of happiness.

My last post was about the way my ex tweets about me, and the main advice given was to stop looking at her twitter. This is the smartest move, I know! It is hard and I am working on completely cutting myself off. I have been doing better but I still have been checking.

I saw that my ex retweeted something that said "sorry I was being so crazy while you were being so toxic and manipulative." And this just made me start thinking about how when we get painted black, everything becomes our fault, and our exes often take accountability for nothing. On a good day, this is something I can shrug off and attribute to BPD. On a bad day, it makes me sad and frustrated that she has a different (and wrong) narrative of what happened.

But on days like today, it really gets to me even more so. My ex, like many others living with BPD, had been through a lot of trauma. As queer women, consent was always extremely important to both of us, it was something we actively talked about. Especially with her history- I was that special person that was supposed to be different and never hurt her (as many of us are made to be in that idealization stage).

One time, she assaulted me- she pinned me down on the couch and kept trying to kiss me. I was crying and screaming no. I had never been in a situation like that before. I had never felt fear like that before. I eventually had to push her off of me, and when I did, she was crying so I ended up consouling her. She assaulted me and then I took care of her.

I took this physical abuse like I took her emotional abuse, meaning I forgave it because of how sick she was and how much pain she was in. I think I kind of blocked it out of my memory in all honesty- it was just easier not to deal with it.

I have this very distinct memory of talking about my ex's trauma with her. She was talking about a man who assaulted her, and she said he was engaged now. I remember thinking how wrong it is for someone to do something terrible and then just get to go off and live life like nothing happened. I said this to her and I asked what she thought should happen to people that physically abuse another person. And she so quickly and confidently said that "they deserve to be shunned. no one should ever speak to them. they don't deserve anything." And I remember being amazed at how immediately she had an answer, and how sure of it she was, like she had thought about it before.

When my ex ended things with me and she was seeing someone else, she made me feel like it all had to do with me. She said she couldn't be with me because I did this and that and she couldn't trust me and all this other irrational sh*t. And at the time I was so hurt and upset and self righteous. I told her she can obviously not be with me if she doesn't want to be, but she doesn't get to make it all my fault. I told her she needs to own her mistakes too, and then I proceeded to list a lot of those things (looking back I know this wasn't the right move, but I was a desperate and hurt mess. I felt so betrayed).

I brought up the time she assaulted me. And you know what? She said she believes it happened and that she's sorry, but she doesn't remember.

Ever since I stopped pressing it down and I mentioned it aloud to her, not a day goes by when I don't think about it. Sometimes I have nightmares about it. And she doesn't even remember. And she is tweeting about how I was abusive and manipulative. And she gets to just live her life, be happy with her new girlfriend, accuse me of things I never did, and not even have any guilt about assaulting me because she doesn't even remember.

Carrying around the trauma of all of the abuse I endured hurts, but this one is the worst. The way I know she feels so strongly about this. The way I think about it everyday, and it never even crosses her mind because she doesn't remember doing it. It's so much sometimes. I cry, it makes me feel immobile and trapped. It just isn't fair. none of this is.

[sadboi]

I'm feeling terrible today. In the grand scheme of things, I am doing better- I hardly ever cry over my ex, I have moments of happiness.

My last post was about the way my ex tweets about me, and the main advice given was to stop looking at her twitter. This is the smartest move, I know! It is hard and I am working on completely cutting myself off. I have been doing better but I still have been checking.

I saw that my ex retweeted something that said "sorry I was being so crazy while you were being so toxic and manipulative." And this just made me start thinking about how when we get painted black, everything becomes our fault, and our exes often take accountability for nothing. On a good day, this is something I can shrug off and attribute to BPD. On a bad day, it makes me sad and frustrated that she has a different (and wrong) narrative of what happened.

But on days like today, it really gets to me even more so. My ex, like many others living with BPD, had been through a lot of trauma. As queer women, consent was always extremely important to both of us, it was something we actively talked about. Especially with her history- I was that special person that was supposed to be different and never hurt her (as many of us are made to be in that idealization stage).

One time, she assaulted me- she pinned me down on the couch and kept trying to kiss me. I was crying and screaming no. I had never been in a situation like that before. I had never felt fear like that before. I eventually had to push her off of me, and when I did, she was crying so I ended up consouling her. She assaulted me and then I took care of her.

I took this physical abuse like I took her emotional abuse, meaning I forgave it because of how sick she was and how much pain she was in. I think I kind of blocked it out of my memory in all honesty- it was just easier not to deal with it.

I have this very distinct memory of talking about my ex's trauma with her. She was talking about a man who assaulted her, and she said he was engaged now. I remember thinking how wrong it is for someone to do something terrible and then just get to go off and live life like nothing happened. I said this to her and I asked what she thought should happen to people that physically abuse another person. And she so quickly and confidently said that "they deserve to be shunned. no one should ever speak to them. they don't deserve anything." And I remember being amazed at how immediately she had an answer, and how sure of it she was, like she had thought about it before.

When my ex ended things with me and she was seeing someone else, she made me feel like it all had to do with me. She said she couldn't be with me because I did this and that and she couldn't trust me and all this other irrational sh*t. And at the time I was so hurt and upset and self righteous. I told her she can obviously not be with me if she doesn't want to be, but she doesn't get to make it all my fault. I told her she needs to own her mistakes too, and then I proceeded to list a lot of those things (looking back I know this wasn't the right move, but I was a desperate and hurt mess. I felt so betrayed).

I brought up the time she assaulted me. And you know what? She said she believes it happened and that she's sorry, but she doesn't remember.

Ever since I stopped pressing it down and I mentioned it aloud to her, not a day goes by when I don't think about it. Sometimes I have nightmares about it. And she doesn't even remember. And she is tweeting about how I was abusive and manipulative. And she gets to just live her life, be happy with her new girlfriend, accuse me of things I never did, and not even have any guilt about assaulting me because she doesn't even remember.

Carrying around the trauma of all of the abuse I endured hurts, but this one is the worst. The way I know she feels so strongly about this. The way I think about it everyday, and it never even crosses her mind because she doesn't remember doing it. It's so much sometimes. I cry, it makes me feel immobile and trapped. It just isn't fair. none of this is.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi sadboi,

Carrying around the trauma of all of the abuse I endured hurts, but this one is the worst. The way I know she feels so strongly about this. The way I think about it everyday, and it never even crosses her mind because she doesn't remember doing it. It's so much sometimes. I cry, it makes me feel immobile and trapped. It just isn't fair. none of this is.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with this.  :)o you have someone you can talk to about this so that you are getting it out of your system?  It's possible you're encountering some PTSD effects from this, if these issues are ongoing and could be worth speaking to a doctor about.  Who else knows how you are feeling at the moment?

We've had other posts about memory loss in a pwBPD and it was pretty resounding that sometimes when a partner is dysregulating they can have a blanking out of events in their memory, or a distorted memory is adopted in place of the event.  It could be connected to the difficulty in handling shame from behaviours which they deem unacceptable.  I know this doesn't necessarily help you to feel better, as it is something you're really affected by, however it may explain why she said she doesn't remember.  The fact she didn't argue and instead said she believes it happened and apologised might suggest she has encountered this type of memory distortion/loss previously.

I read a quote once that really stuck with me.

Don't let what you can't do stop you from doing what you can do.

You can't stop her from doing what she is doing or saying right now.  Try to look after yourself and protect yourself from any further triggers to your hurt right now.   That is something you can do to help ease this.  You are having a tough enough time.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi sadboi,


I'm sorry that this happened to you  I can relate with the type of pain that you feel and it stings even more when you feel like your knee deep in pain and it doesn't seem to phase your ex. What you see on the surface is completely different than what's going on internally, it's a facade. Marsha M. Linehan is a psychologist and profess of psychology she herself struggled  with and recovered from BPD, here's a quote from her.

People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement.”

I's also like to echo   Harley Quinn, have you talked to an MD or GP about nightmares and PTSD? I know that it's hard to not peek at social media, self protection is really about self compassion and as Harley Quinn says, it's important to take really good care of yourself. 

What is PTSD and how do you define "trigger"?

[En1gma]

I believe my exBPDgf when abusing me was in a blackout. She doesn't remember doing it and fills in the blanks with what she thinks should have happened. When I got angry with her she literally thinks I'm being mean and acting out for no reason. Bizarre

[confusedbloke]

En1Gma... .

Exactly my situation... .described perfectly.  I believe she didn't remember punching me and throwing plates and cups at my head and smashing my house up and throwing clothes out of the top floor window... .  I don't think she remembers it at all... .  But remembers when I am nasty to her (the next day, in reaction to what shes done).

It sucks!

[Lucky Jim]

We've had other posts about memory loss in a pwBPD and it was pretty resounding that sometimes when a partner is dysregulating they can have a blanking out of events in their memory, or a distorted memory is adopted in place of the event.

Agree, HQ.  That was my experience with my BPDxW, who often had no recollection the next day of her actions while in an unregulated state.  Sometimes it seemed like, when triggered, my Ex was in a kind of trance or fugue-like state.  Her pupils would dilate and her eyes would take on a vacant look.  It was scary stuff, like something out of Stephen King.

LJ

[In a bad way]

Agree, HQ.  That was my experience with my BPDxW, who often had no recollection the next day of her actions while in an unregulated state.  Sometimes it seemed like, when triggered, my Ex was in a kind of trance or fugue-like state.  Her pupils would dilate and her eyes would take on a vacant look.  It was scary stuff, like something out of Stephen King.

LJ

Exactly.
That was one of the main things that got me to this board, searching split personality and instant personality change.
She would just change in an instant into her evil twin, then not remember the next morning. Sometimes she would not remember after an hours sleep. She would just wake up and to her nothing had happened.
She wasn't pretending either, I could tell whether she remembered or not by her manner.
The nice her didn't remember what the evil one had said or done and visa versa.
It was as though she got possessed, like you say something out of a film.
She to this day will have no idea what she put me through, she only had my word to go on. To her I'm all bad, and she hasn't got a clue about her behaviour she probably thinks I made it up.