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Author Topic: I need help in dealing with my wife  (Read 371 times)
polaris9
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« on: September 20, 2017, 03:50:12 PM »

I really need help with my wife.  We have been together over 25 years but her behavior has deteriorated in recent years.  I believe she has undiagnosed BPD although she is fairly high functioning.

Every couple of weeks she will get into a rage over something that I say or do.  She will yell at me and belittle me and keep going on for hours and hours - at times all through the night.  In recent years she has started to drink a lot and she appears to be self-medicating with drink.

She has very few family members and those that she has have either been pushed away by her or she rarely communicates with them - she won't answer phone calls, emails, texts, etc.  She has had these "rage episodes" where she has gotten mad at almost everyone that is close to her - except our children.

Over 18 months ago her sister and I tried to do an intervention where we told her that we love her and were concerned by her behavior and she really needs to seek help.  She refuses and says that we are the ones that need help.  I have continually begged for her to get help and I have spoken to our family doctor and anyone else I can think of.  He agrees that she needs help but she doesn't see this and how do you force her to get help?

Over a year ago on a really bad night I called the police and tried to get her taken for a mental health evaluation - she was arrested for assaulting me and a police office.  She was out of the home for about a month but has been back for over a year.  She has gotten somewhat better and the abuse is now rarely physical, but the verbal and emotional abuse is still there and it is taking a severe emotional toll on me.  I have gone to a psychologist and together we have gone to a marriage counselor but now she is refusing to go again.

The main issue is the extreme rage that pops up from time to time but she exhibits a bunch or other types of abnormal behavior.

We have two children and her behavior is starting to affect the children.

Can anyone suggest some strategies to deal with her?

If I leave her I think it would send her on a downward spiral and it would also be very hard on the children.  And once she found out she would go nuclear and start fighting like hell.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2017, 04:05:06 PM »

Hi polaris9,

Welcome Welcome,

So sorry that you have been having difficulties in your relationship. Your story sounds very similar. You said that she does not commit physical abuse against you often, but does it still happen at times? How long ago was the last incident?

Does your wife show signs of getting angry before she begins to rage? What are you doing before she rages? What is she doing before she starts to rage?

ONe thing that I"ve learned most from these boards is that I cannot change my pwBPD behavior.They can't be forced to go to counseling. The only person that I can change is myself, meaning my response to my pwBPD. We have a lot of great workshops and teachings on the right side of teh page that will help you learn so much.

To get you started here is one on validating. Validating our pwBPD is so important because it let's them know that they are being heard. Us nons are often invalidating towards our partners and we don't even realize we are being invalidating.

Validation
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

polaris9
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2017, 04:13:41 PM »

Prior to her being arrested she would grab me, rip the shirt off of me, pull my hair, shove me into walls, etc.  In the last year the worst was one shirt ripping and a minor shove.

She does often show signs of getting angry first - how do I help to defuse the situation before it escalates.  One issue is that once she starts getting mad she typically starts drinking wine more heavily.  We made a commitment at the marriage counselor a few months ago to give up wine at home - she did that for a while but is now back to drinking a fair bit.  We also committed to taking time outs when an argument has started but she refuses to do that now. She wants me to go to a hotel but often she is in no shape to be looking after the kids after drinking so much.

I am not really doing anything when the rage starts.  When she starts raging she will post weird things to Twitter, start sending strange emails, and become engrossed in watching a movie that she has seen 100 times or a Youtube video that she has seen many times.
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polaris9
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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2017, 04:17:06 PM »

FYI - I have read Walking on Eggshells and some of the related books.  In the past I have tried to employ the LEAP methodology from Xavier Amador (Listen, Empathize, Agree, Partner) which seems very similar to SET.  But this doesn't always work, especially as she starts drinking more.  At times she keeps trying to antagonize me more and more but I don't take the bait to fight back which seems to get her even more angry.
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polaris9
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2017, 06:27:01 PM »

Things are going from bad to worse tonight. The minute that I get home from work there is conflict as I am in trouble for things that I did not do. It is hard to practice SET when you are told "you just hurt the dog and you killed my cat".   I said that I liked the cat too and I am sorry that he died but I didn't kill him. I say similar things about the dog but it doesn't matter.

I need some strategies to keep things from escalating tonight.
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Tattered Heart
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« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2017, 08:39:33 AM »

Sorry your cat died. Were both your dog and cat hurt at the same time?

Most likely your wife's anger at you about the cat is not really because of anything you did (obviously if you didn't hurt the cat). She is sad and hurt about the loss and looking for a place to put her hurt instead of accepting what she is feeling. When she hears you say "I didn't hurt the cat." you basically just told her that what she believes is false. For her feelings=facts and so right now she believes you hurt the cat. By telling her that is not true, she perceives it as you calling her a liar. If you can get her attention off of her accusation and back onto what she is really feeling, then the situation may de-escalate.

One way to validate could be to just comfort her. She just lost the family pet and is sad. Hug her. Maybe say something like, "It's so sad that the cat died. I'm going to miss her too. How are you doing? Can I help you?" Then once she gets talking, just ask her more questions about the cat, talk about grief, etc.

Do you think you could do that?
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12

pearlsw
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« Reply #6 on: September 21, 2017, 08:50:08 AM »

Thanks to the original poster (polaris9) and Tatttered Heart. It really helps to see people write out better responses in a way that we can study them. This stuff takes a lot of practice!
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sweetheart
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« Reply #7 on: September 21, 2017, 12:00:43 PM »

Hi polaris9 

When your wife starts to escalate and jab away at you in order to get a reaction, it can help in the early part of any dysregulation to acknowledge what you see and hear from her.
Not responding can be invalidating to a pwBPD or traits of BPD, so by using phrases like... .
'I can hear you are angry/upset/frustrated... .'
'I can see that you are upset/angry... .'
It doesn't matter if you pitch and get the feeling wrong, she can correct you, then you can use her response as a way into validate how she is feeling 'I'm sorry you're feeling XZY, what happened, what can I do to support you?' ':)o you want me to just listen or can offer some advice?' Take her lead.

With practise with my h I got to a point where I was able to just nod and make non-verbal affirmations punctuated with repetitions of validations of feelings until he calmed down.

If however your w has been drinking all of the above becomes v v difficult to implement. My h had his worst dysregulated episodes on occasions where alcohol was involved. I would keep your engagement to a minimum and ensure that you try and busy yourself doing something else if your w has been drinking.
 Could you take yourself and your children out for a meal or something when you realise alcohol is an issue, so you can all leave the house and allow things to diffuse?

What happened when your w was out of the house for that month, did she get a mental health evaluation?

How old are your children?
How are things today?
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polaris9
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« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2017, 05:46:46 PM »

In terms of the cat - it died over a year ago but she was out of the home when that happened and blames me. She often brings up past grievances - at times things that happened over 20 years ago. I did say, I am really sorry the cat died and I liked him too, but it didn't really help.

Tonight I am out of town and she just texted me and starting berating me via texts for signing a school form for our daughter. I am worried that she will be phoning me or texting me all night long to berate me. And if I try to shut off the phone it will just enrage her even more.

I can't continue to live like this. Does anyone have experience on ultimatums like - unless you agree to cut back on the drinking and we resume marriage counselling then we have to separate. But I will insist that she leave the home as I believe she is not capable of properly caring for and making decisions around the children, especially if I am not around.
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polaris9
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« Reply #9 on: September 22, 2017, 05:52:37 PM »

To continue to answer questions- when she was out of the house it was because she was on bail and a condition was not being in the house. I pressed for a mental health evaluation but that didn't really happen.

Children are 15 and 8. The 15 yo is a special needs child with autism that needs a lot of support. Luckily we can afford caregivers and have two daytime nannies and one evening nanny (for the 15 yo) plus other occasional babysitters for the 8 yo.

We had a bad night on wed night but she calmed down around noon the next day which is a usual occurrence. I am away with friends on a trip that was planned months ago and will be away until Sunday evening. I am worried that things will be bad while I am away as this has happened in the past. Her preferred form of arguing, even when we are in the same house, is texts or emails because she "wants proof".
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polaris9
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« Reply #10 on: October 31, 2017, 12:09:01 PM »

Thanks for your help folks but I am pulling the trigger on separation - I went to see a lawyer yesterday and it will be official in the next day or so.  Things are going backwards and as much as I try she has no interest in trying to turn things around and seek any form of treatment.  I did something for her and she promised that she would resume marriage counselling but she cancelled at the last minute.  I can't take this any more and it is starting to be detrimental on the children as well. 
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pearlsw
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« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2017, 04:43:13 AM »

Hi polaris9,

Thanks for the update! You have been through a lot in these months and I know this much be such a difficult time. I want to be sure to let you know that there are also boards on here for: Co-parenting or Step-parenting After the Split and Family Law, Divorce, and Custody. Perhaps you will find extra support there too that can help with your changing needs.

As you have time, put it on your personal to-do list to keep studying the lessons here. I have been studying for months now and I am always find new gems scattered all around here that provide me a lot of insight on the fine points of BPD.

Take care!  
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Walk on a rainbow trail, walk on a trail of song, and all about you will be beauty. There is a way out of every dark mist, over a rainbow trail. - Navajo Song
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