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Author Topic: How things went last night  (Read 364 times)
smart_storm26
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 68


« on: September 21, 2017, 08:46:54 AM »

Hello everyone,

I want to share what happened last night. I am married to a BPD woman. Last night my wife had another episode of emotional dysregulation.

Let me give you a little bit of history. My mother doesn't like her and on many occasions in the past have been harsh and rude to her. She has never been rude to my mother but instead had big fights with me because my mother has been rude to her. I guess she released her rage and feelings on me. And when she is having one of those raging episodes, she can be so hurtful, I get blamed, wrongly accused and insulted for things my mother did. Even when I have always stood up for my wife and even fought with my mother when I felt my wife is being wronged. Still when my wife is having a raging episode, I get accused of being selfish, taking my mother's side, not standing up. In fact those are the things I don't do! It hurts me so much. I am a man who always stands up for the right thing and never tolerates anything wrong even if its my mother, its my principle. And then when I get wrongly accused of doing the opposite, I feel so hurt!

Right now me and my wife, we moved to a different city and we don't live with my parents anymore. I thought this would improve the situation but she is still having episodes for what my mom did months before... .I am like what the hell (I have already fought with my mom on many issues and stood by my wife's side when I needed to stand up, when my mom told her something wrong). Why is she having episodes over those things now? Why can't she close that chapter and live a happy life, just me and her. By the way now she doesn't even need to face my mom and she is not even talking to my mom on the phone. How the hell do I isolate ourselves further?

Back to what happened last night. I was speaking with my mom on the phone and she did not ask about my wife. That became the issue for my wife, why my mother did not ask about her... .then she started dragging everything that happened in the past... .what all my mom did in the past... .I kept telling her... .to disregard my mom... .my mom will never change... .dont expect anything from my mom, kept telling my wife... .lets not disrupt your and our own peace for someone who doesnt care about you... .but she didn't listen... .kept on dysregulating emotionally.

Then she started accusing me... .Me and my mom we are both selfish... .we are entirely a selfish family... .I take my mom's side etc

Earlier I had set a boundary and told her that you will not accuse me. If you are feeling hurt, tell me about the feeling and I will listen to you and comfort you but you will not wrongly accuse me of things. When she started accusing me, I became quiet and stopped responding to her. I know I should have used 'Validation'... .but how do you validate an accusation about you that's not true?

Then she broke another boundary. She started throwing stuff around the house. We already have damaged furniture, mobiles with broken screens from her earlier episodes. So I had set a boundary that she will not throw stuff or break things

This time I said to myself 'To Hell with validation' and did not respond at all. I wanted to see what happens next. She broke another boundary (started slapping herself... .does this during her episodes). I did not respond. She then shouted "Look at me when I am talking to you". I did not respond. She grabbed my neck and turned my head towards her. I still did not respond. I told her I will note this down as physical abuse. She said "I did this because you are not listening to me". I said "Yes I am not listening to you so you will hit me? Know this I will not listen to you until you can have a positive discussion on things. If you are feeling hurt, I have no problem listening to you or comforting you but if you start accusing me, I will not talk to you. And I will not encourage your bad behavior'. Then I stopped responding again, held my ground.

She then went and locked herself in a room. Earlier I would stop her with the fear that she might hurt herself. This time I did not respond. She was in that room for 40 mins. I did not call her even once. I stayed where I was and did not talk to her. She then came back, took away her pillow and made bed on the floor, she wont sleep with me. I told her once that she should sleep on the bed as its cold on the floor. She said no. Then I said 'Ok', left her to herself and did not respond further. She slept on the floor and I slept on the bed the whole night.

In the morning she had calmed down but I made no attempts of reconciliation and did not speak to her apart from usual... .'is breakfast ready and stuff'. Lets see what's waiting for me tonight.

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Tattered Heart
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943



« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2017, 09:18:57 AM »

Hi smart_storm26,

Sorry things are so difficult between your wife and mom. That must be really hard to feel like you have to choose or to be accused of choosing one over the other.

So, just a couple things I noticed. The things you are calling boundaries are not really boundaries. Those are rules you've put on your wife. They are about changing her behavior, not about your vales. Boundaries protect our own values by keeping the good things in and the bad things out. They have nothing to do with the other person's behavior.

For instance, I have a boundary that I will be spoken to respectfully. When my H begins to yell at me, I do not say "If you don't stop yelling I'm leaving." That's not a boundary; that is just trying to control his behavior and is a threat. He can keep yelling all he wants. I can't make him stop yelling. So my boundary is that when I am being spoken to disrespectfully I remove myself from the disrespect. Do you see the difference? Here's our workshop on Boundaries

Secondly, you don't have to validate what she says. Validating the invalid will only further make the person believe they are correct in their incorrect perception. But you can validate what she is feeling. She feels rejected and hated by your mom. When you talk to your mom, that brings up those feelings again. How can you validate her feelings of being rejected and hated?

Here's our workshop on Stop Invalidating Others
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Mutt
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2017, 08:03:45 PM »

Hi smart_storm26,

Welcome

I’m sorry that you were put in a difficult position between your spouse and your mom. I’d like to echo Tattered Heart, a pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection and the disproportionate anger is a reaction to anger, BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder, a owBPD cannot self sooth, the anger and rage is how soothes herself. I completely agree with Tattered Heart, set the boundary on yourself, if she does X then I respond with Y, change the tempo and go out and cut the grass, run out for an errand you get the idea.
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