Validating feelings if feelings=facts and the facts are wrong

[ozmatoz]

I apologize for throwing up another post and I have read through most of the validation workshops but I'm really struggling and things are happening pretty quickly at my house... .

She's ready to call a real estate agent to get the house on the market and move out pronto.  She just can't see the damage this will all cause to the kids and the ongoing DCF investigation from her DV incident.  I am just flat out failing at validating her feelings.  I know I'm at the end of my rope of strength which certainly isnt helping.

I may just be fundamentally misunderstanding something.  By validating feelings (not the words or actions) I'm not necessarily agreeing with her or taking responsibility for whatever she is slinging at me.  However she is very much a feelings = facts type of person and is continually trying to project these onto me.  How do you validate the feeling that is now fact to her if the actual fact is completely wrong?  I find that I end up taking ownership of whatever she "feels" is the problem, then uses that to hammer me over the head as proof that she's better off without me.

For example she'll say something along the lines of "you didn't help enough with ___ (kids, chores, pets, dinner... .)"
Ok, I get it, she's feeling overwhelmed and tired.  I usually respond with something like "Yes I know there is a lot to do around the house and you feel like it all falls on you.  Between school starting up and new work schedules it has been tough for us to keep up.  I should have some time this weekend to give you more help"  Is this correct validation?

Now keep in mind I'm practically about to lose my job because I have been home so much, taking care of the pets, cleaning the rugs, re-seeding the lawn, getting the garage organized before winter, I make sure there is never a dirty dish in the sink before we go to bed, I take my D16 to and pick her up from the bus stop every day, I do laundry about 3 times a week, and if she cooks I clean all the dishes.  I take care of the pool, and usually do most of the vacuuming throughout the week as well.  She hasn't picked up a rake or shovel in 5 years and never in 17 years helped with the lawn. I could go on but hopefully you understand.

Her response to my validation is "You and this marriage still suck, I want out"
Ok, I reply "I understand that this is a tough time and we have a lot going on.  There was so much to do it is hard for us to see what the other has been doing.  I know last night we both dove in and took care of cleaning up the house as a team."
W: "I dont think you carried your weight here, and I can find a better teammate.  This marriage does suck, I want out"

Round and round we go and she just ramps herself up on her feelings of how much "I and the marriage suck".  There isnt even anything specific I can validate there.  When I ask her to clarify what she feels sucks, or how I suck to her she just simply replies with "I don't have to explain anything to you.  I don't owe you anything.  I'm done!"

Help?

-Oz

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[Tattered Heart]

For example she'll say something along the lines of "you didn't help enough with ___ (kids, chores, pets, dinner... .)"
Ok, I get it, she's feeling overwhelmed and tired.  I usually respond with something like "Yes I know there is a lot to do around the house and you feel like it all falls on you.  Between school starting up and new work schedules it has been tough for us to keep up.  I should have some time this weekend to give you more help" 

You're very very close. At the end, like you said, you pick up the blame/emotion for her by trying to fix it. Let her come up with the resolution. I usually go to asking her questions instead of giving the solution. So in this scenario I might say something like, "What would help you not feel so overwhelmed?" or even "How can I help you?" Depending on the situation, I might say something like "What does that feel like to you?" "What do you hope will come out of this situation?" By asking questions about the real facts/coming up with solutions, it causes my H to get out of his feelings and to either self reflect or to start being reasonable.

Her response to my validation is "You and this marriage still suck, I want out"
Ok, I reply "I understand that this is a tough time and we have a lot going on.  There was so much to do it is hard for us to see what the other has been doing.  I know last night we both dove in and took care of cleaning up the house as a team."
W: "I dont think you carried your weight here, and I can find a better teammate.  This marriage does suck, I want out"

Round and round we go and she just ramps herself up on her feelings of how much "I and the marriage suck".  There isnt even anything specific I can validate there.  When I ask her to clarify what she feels sucks, or how I suck to her she just simply replies with "I don't have to explain anything to you.  I don't owe you anything.  I'm done!"

hmmm... .Validating that things are tough right now is good. She may still be too emotional in that moment to process the incongruity of "this marriage sucks" and "we worked as a team last night."

It sounds like she is holding onto something but isn't wanting to say what it is that she's really upset about. Or maybe say something like, "Things are tough right now. I wish it was better too. It's important to me that I understand what you're feeling. I'm having a hard time understanding what you are trying to tell me. Could you be more specific?" If she still refuses to share then it might be time to use SET to explain to her that she can't expect you to understand or make changes if she doesn't share specifics.

[ozmatoz]

Thanks Tattered, this has been a tough day.  I'm realizing after reading some of your comments that I have tried those items as well.  When I ask how can I help or let her know that her feelings are important I am usually met with more resistance.  She'll reply with flat out obstruction.

"No you can't help"  "I don't care what you think is or isnt important" "You've done enough (sarcastic)"

We went through about 6 weeks of me using SET to try to get to the bottom of what she needed and the only answer was "you just need to step the F up and be better"  Well again I couldn't really validate that so I tried using the same probing questions to get her to open up and she would either keep repeating the statement I need to be better, or revert back to the quotes I provided above.  Round and round we go... .

I do think you are on to something with your comment "She may still be too emotional in that moment to process... ."  She has pretty much been in a constant dysregulated state for the last 3 months.  Maybe a couple of "down" hours a day but it has been pretty awful.  I know she suffered some abuse as a young child and her father pretty much walked out on them and she is no longer in communication with him.  I feel like I'm fighting against some old "trauma" that is not mine to deal with.  She refuses therapy and says I'm the sick one... .

I'm sorry if I seem a little panicky today, she just called me in a rage about how much she wants out, wants me to sign a paper saying she's not abandoning her portion of equity in the marital home by moving out... .and now the passive aggressive smear campaign on social media has started up in full swing (again). 

I really feel like there is absolutely no way of reaching her before she does something catastrophic. She said she doesnt understand why I just cant accept it and do this amicably.  When I tell her that I'm not trying to fight I'm just trying to make sure we don't make a mistake she flips it and says forget it then I won't do mediation with you.  You can pay my attorney and my rent, good luck with that and then hangs up.

I'm not sure I'm going to survive the weekend... .

[once removed]

i dont think validation is a solution to statements like these:

"No you can't help"  "I don't care what you think is or isnt important" "You've done enough (sarcastic)"

it sounds like youre approaching this by trying to get her to open up. shes stonewalling. it wont work.

when she makes those kinds of statements, shes blowing off steam. let her. i dont mean ignore her. but let it roll off your back and dont engage in a meaningful way.

these are good examples:

"Yes I know there is a lot to do around the house and you feel like it all falls on you.  Between school starting up and new work schedules it has been tough for us to keep up.  I should have some time this weekend to give you more help" 

Or maybe say something like, "Things are tough right now. I wish it was better too.

try this part where you can:

It's important to me that I understand what you're feeling. I'm having a hard time understanding what you are trying to tell me. Could you be more specific?" If she still refuses to share then it might be time to use SET to explain to her that she can't expect you to understand or make changes if she doesn't share specifics.

[Dary]

I'm there too brother... .
I wish I had some tips that could alter outcome... .
 
My situation changed when I started to set my boundaries... .
But that results in the inevitable... .

She feels that you ... .Fill in blanc's... .
Therefore it's a fact and nothing will ever change that... .

She's in need of a new fresh suitor (victim)
That's how it went down with me.

[Radcliff]

Oz, you've been quiet for a while.  How are things?

Wentworth