How to make things better after being called names?

[Letloverule]

Is it too idealistic to wish for one weekend where I don't get called stupid?
I feel like a fool for wanting that.
My uBPD wife and I had a decent start to the weekend. I have had a Erie Le time sleeping during the week so on Friday I took sleep aids and slept like a baby. When i got up, she was already awake doing things (it wasn't very late). She called me lazy and walked the dog. When she returned everything was fine.
This evening we went to a neighbors birthday party and she carried her own flask of alcohol. She drank it so quickly because she felt so uncomfortable around the people (this is not a habit of hers and the party was a strange mix of people).
We came home and she asked me if I could help color her hair. I'm always nervous about things like that because she's already so uncomfortable about her appearance. I put the highlights in (which was supposed to be blonde) on her dark brown hair. She said she knew it wouldn't look perfect but she wanted some color. While we were waiting for it to sit in, she said she drank too much at the party and was tipsy. She began doing things that irritated me- like rile up the dog unnecessarily.
When I washed the dye off and I said it's definitely lighter but not as light as it should be. She looked in the mirror and asked why i made it orange and why were there entire patches of uncolored hair.
I said I understood highlights to be streaks of color. She pointed at her head and began yelling that I made her look ugly. She said The orange color was not my fault but that I was too stupid not to make the dye go evenly.
I apologized profusely and she continued to call me stupid and that I made her even uglier than she already is.
I said I would go to the store to get something to repair it and she continued to say how stupid could you be to continue putting chemicals in my hair?
I said ok - if you decide to go fix it at the salon, I will pay for it 100%
She didn't respond and started eating her dinner. I remained quiet.
She told me to get out if I was going to continue being silent- that I only think of myself and don't make things better.
Am I missing something? How is one supposed to immediately get over being called a stupid idiot 5-10 times and make things better?
I don't know what to say or do. I feel terrible and I should have never agreed to do this in the first place.!

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[hope2727]

No one deserves to be called names. It is a storm of abuse. You are worthy and deserving of a peaceful home.

This might be a boundary to consider setting. No name calling. I even get mad at myself for calling myself names under my breath. It is not ok.

I hope you are able to find a way to discuss this in a calm moment with your wife. Perhaps it is a place to start.

[Mutt]

Hi letloverule,



You have a right to feel the way that you. A boundary could be that you’re not going partipate when she’s tipsy. That said, if she hadn’t drank, would her behaviour be different?

[Tattered Heart]

Tough situation. You were trying to help, but when it didn't work out you took all the blame. I've been there. I'm going to push with some questions for you to think about though.

We came home and she asked me if I could help color her hair. I'm always nervous about things like that because she's already so uncomfortable about her appearance.

You went into this scenario nervous, perhaps walking on egg shells, plus she was drunk. Have you every colored her hair for her before? If you were uncomfortable with it, whey did you go along with it? Did you express your concerns to her? What can you do to prevent yourself from giving in to a scenario like this in the future?

She began doing things that irritated me- like rile up the dog unnecessarily.

Was she doing this on purpose or just having fun? Or were you feeling tense so these things irritated you more?

When I washed the dye off and I said it's definitely lighter but not as light as it should be. She looked in the mirror and asked why i made it orange and why were there entire patches of uncolored hair.
I said I understood highlights to be streaks of color. She pointed at her head and began yelling that I made her look ugly. She said The orange color was not my fault but that I was too stupid not to make the dye go evenly.
I apologized profusely and she continued to call me stupid and that I made her even uglier than she already is.
I said I would go to the store to get something to repair it and she continued to say how stupid could you be to continue putting chemicals in my hair?

Do you see how your first response was to immediately go to JADEing. Don't JADE You didn't purposely mess her hair up. She knows that. You know that. She is embarrassed and worried that she might look foolish. How could you have validated this?

I said ok - if you decide to go fix it at the salon, I will pay for it 100%

Why is this your responsibility to fix it?

She didn't respond and started eating her dinner. I remained quiet.
She told me to get out if I was going to continue being silent- that I only think of myself and don't make things better.

Were you being quiet because you were upset, had nothing to say, or were giving her the silent treatment? WHen she attacked you for being quiet, can you think of a way you could express that you were hurt about being called names?

[once removed]

ive had some pretty bad hair jobs. matter of fact, right after my breakup with my ex, with my self esteem and confidence in tatters, the hair i was a little bit vain about was turned into a mullet before my horrified eyes.

granted i bit my tongue to her, but years later i cant say i wish her well  

jokes aside, people with BPD generally have low self esteem to begin with. this wasnt just a bad hair cut (dye job), for her it was a total catastrophe and she was seeing red. so she blew up what was an innocent mistake and could have easily been covered with temporary dye, or anything else, and she fumed.

let her, within reason. dealing with someone who is dysregulated is not intuitive. dont make yourself the target. you handled things pretty well. you were reasonable and accommodating, that will work some of the time. in this case she was already past reasonable.

when she told you to get out if you were going to continue to be silent (that you think of yourself and dont try to make things better), this was an immature way of trying to communicate her needs (mostly, for you to listen to her fume). that is your opportunity to practice the communication tools. listen, validate, let her blow off steam, within reason.

i dont think the name calling is the hill you want to die on in the moment. its a legitimate problem in your eyes, and its a conversation to be had when both parties are at baseline.