Did I dodge a bullet?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

As much as I can't deny that I deeply want her back, and anguish at the thought of her with someone else... .

Imagining BEING her today, terrified and saddened me.

I imagined myself sincerely falling in love with someone, wanting and feeling it. I imagine believing all the crazy intimate things I would say to that person, believing I would follow through.

Then I imagined the incredible amount of dissonance, fear, and disassociation it would take for all that to become invalidated and distorted, turning it on the other person and deflecting my role in it onto them.

The paradox is that I wouldn't ever truly realize my distortion of facts and words, because those distortions have now replaced my facts, as facts. I actually believe that I never wanted to commit. I actually believe that what we had was just a "series of totally weird things", and subconsciously can't handle the thought that we were actually in love. I am not aware that I didn't maliciously or manipulatively distort and invalidate things, and that these distortions are just symptomatic of my defense array. When the other person over-reacts desperately trying to fix it, and crosses my boundaries, my defense array reacts in proportion to the other's panic. I am not aware of this perpetuation until after the dust settles. When it does, my invalidations and distortions have cemented into reality for me, and I, having now subconsciously invalidated/forgotten our intimacy/distorted and deflected my role in the dynamic/perpetuation onto the other, see them as the antagonist and an unstable threat: pushing for reasons I can no longer emotionally or rationally recollect.

People with these traits are vampiric chameleons, who can't see their own colors change and therefor cannot ever really know what color they are.

And STILL, 3 weeks later, I dream of her coming back to me with a miraculous self-awareness, and a miracle-cure for the trust that was destroyed. Every day is a battle to not blame myself. Before she cut me out, she said she was 'forever done' because I 'destroyed her trust' by 'stomping all over her boundaries'. I panicked trying to fix it. Two days before she had told me she loved me, while knitting a sweater for my sister. In the last week, she asked if we belong together, and kept saying I was "perfect", and wanted to meet my family, talked about kids and marriage, etc... .When she pulled the rug out, I couldn't give her the space she wanted. I was completely shocked, and despaired. I kept trying to talk to her and fix it via text, and she just kept marching us to the edge while establishing boundaries, and I kept crossing them trying to save us. The last straw was when I called her to apologize for my panic the day before, and ask to reproach the whole thing with our defenses down. That's when she axed it.

We were together for a month.

I imagine if I had been able to give her space, we would have recycled or lasted longer.

She is highly intelligent and compassionate within her dissociative limits, and I can't stop wondering if she would have been capable of working out. BPD aside, we were extremely compatible. There seemed to be a VERY real and insightful person in there. Or am I just that blinded still? Did I just fall in love with a savant-level chameleon?

Now, 3 weeks later, I found out from a friend that she is likely recycling an ex she talked s*** about it and compared to me, while putting me on a pedestal of being "right" and "perfect" and how he was "wrong". She probably started recycling him within a week or two of shutting me out.

Did I dodge a bullet?

Was this just inevitable? A matter of time?


I know I've told this story several times on this forum, so I apologize for the redundancy. Writing these and reading the feedback has been crucial to finding my closure.

[flamingspiral]

As much as I can't deny that I deeply want her back, and anguish at the thought of her with someone else... .

Imagining BEING her today, terrified and saddened me.

I imagined myself sincerely falling in love with someone, wanting and feeling it. I imagine believing all the crazy intimate things I would say to that person, believing I would follow through.

Then I imagined the incredible amount of dissonance, fear, and disassociation it would take for all that to become invalidated and distorted, turning it on the other person and deflecting my role in it onto them.

The paradox is that I wouldn't ever truly realize my distortion of facts and words, because those distortions have now replaced my facts, as facts. I actually believe that I never wanted to commit. I actually believe that what we had was just a "series of totally weird things", and subconsciously can't handle the thought that we were actually in love. I am not aware that I didn't maliciously or manipulatively distort and invalidate things, and that these distortions are just symptomatic of my defense array. When the other person over-reacts desperately trying to fix it, and crosses my boundaries, my defense array reacts in proportion to the other's panic. I am not aware of this perpetuation until after the dust settles. When it does, my invalidations and distortions have cemented into reality for me, and I, having now subconsciously invalidated/forgotten our intimacy/distorted and deflected my role in the dynamic/perpetuation onto the other, see them as the antagonist and an unstable threat: pushing for reasons I can no longer emotionally or rationally recollect.

People with these traits are vampiric chameleons, who can't see their own colors change and therefor cannot ever really know what color they are.

And STILL, 3 weeks later, I dream of her coming back to me with a miraculous self-awareness, and a miracle-cure for the trust that was destroyed. Every day is a battle to not blame myself. Before she cut me out, she said she was 'forever done' because I 'destroyed her trust' by 'stomping all over her boundaries'. I panicked trying to fix it. Two days before she had told me she loved me, while knitting a sweater for my sister. In the last week, she asked if we belong together, and kept saying I was "perfect", and wanted to meet my family, talked about kids and marriage, etc... .When she pulled the rug out, I couldn't give her the space she wanted. I was completely shocked, and despaired. I kept trying to talk to her and fix it via text, and she just kept marching us to the edge while establishing boundaries, and I kept crossing them trying to save us. The last straw was when I called her to apologize for my panic the day before, and ask to reproach the whole thing with our defenses down. That's when she axed it.

We were together for a month.

I imagine if I had been able to give her space, we would have recycled or lasted longer.

She is highly intelligent and compassionate within her dissociative limits, and I can't stop wondering if she would have been capable of working out. BPD aside, we were extremely compatible. There seemed to be a VERY real and insightful person in there. Or am I just that blinded still? Did I just fall in love with a savant-level chameleon?

Now, 3 weeks later, I found out from a friend that she is likely recycling an ex she talked s*** about it and compared to me, while putting me on a pedestal of being "right" and "perfect" and how he was "wrong". She probably started recycling him within a week or two of shutting me out.

Did I dodge a bullet?

Was this just inevitable? A matter of time?


I know I've told this story several times on this forum, so I apologize for the redundancy. Writing these and reading the feedback has been crucial to finding my closure.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi flamingspiral,

It's positive that you were able to drum up this level of empathy for your ex and try to imagine how it must be to be in her shoes and suffering from the BPD.  What motivated you to look at things from her perspective?  It could be quite easy to lose ourselves in the anger phase and yet you chose to examine her side of things.  In some respects that is also going to compound the self blame and something important to remember here is that two parties make up a r/s, those same two either make or break it - together.  Of course no one person can make a r/s work on their own, but nobody is solely responsible for the outcome.  Yes we play our part, and it's healthy to examine that.  Perhaps a little further on when the pain is less acute. 

At this time I'd suggest that you focus on taking steps forwards, whilst allowing the desperate feelings to come and go.  The hurt, confusion, the what if's and the blame are all natural right now and accepting that as normal can help you to move through these.  Ultimately, what happened has happened.  We cannot go back and do things differently.  We can only choose to do things differently in the future if we find ourselves in a similar situation.  Everything in life is a lesson to be learned and it's up to us to take on board what we are supposed to glean from the situation.

What do you make of the lessons to the right?  Where do you see yourself currently in the stages of grief?

Love and light x 

[Mutt]

Hi flamingspiral,

I'm sorry that you're having rough day.

She is highly intelligent and compassionate within her dissociative limits, and I can't stop wondering if she would have been capable of working out.

Have you checked out belief 2 from the 10 myths?

Belief 2: BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

[Lost-love-mind]

Flamingspiral.
I had the same thoughts as you after my breakup. Reading your story, I recognize it as if it were my own. I'm almost sure we dated the same woman, other than the knitting, which I'm sure my exBPD never did. Mine threw knives for relaxation. Yes, knives throwing.
Anyway, I never asked my exBPD to give any of herself up for our relationship. Yet, both times she broke up with my she claimed I smothered her individuality.
Never. I would not do that and in the 2d cycle, we only saw each other once a week and only communicated electronically. - another red flag for lack of her commitment to the r/s.
Keep fixing yourself by reviewing the reason for attraction to such a BPD.

[flamingspiral]

Harley Quinn:

I think what motivated me to look at things from her perspective, is the self-blame for how I handled things. I punish myself for not being able to step back from my panic and give her space. Sometimes, in a fleeting way, I am convinced that all this BPD stuff is just me trying to rationalize away my guilt of wrecking something that could have worked out just fine, had I 'respected her boundaries'. Yet rationally, I know it is more 'loaded' and complex than just exclusively blaming myself. If she had really loved me and wanted me as she had convinced me of, she would have thrown me a rope/reassured me when I panicked and despaired. Instead, she used it to cut me out and condemn any chance of reconciliation. Being 'forever done' because I 'destroyed her trust' is what my therapist calls a 'dirty bomb'. And it has proven every effective at influencing my self-torture. 

So, having oscillated ceaselessly between different angles, logics, and conjecture on my side, I guess my mind had nowhere left to go but over to her side.

As far as where I'm at in the stages of grief, I keep bouncing around the first 3. I've barely and occasionally make it to four, but then the guilt of feeling like I f***** up the deepest connection I've ever felt with someone keeps pulling me back into the first 3.

I feel miles away from 5.


Beezleconduit:

I'm glad we and others share similar stories, it definitely helps with not gas lighting myself having you and other's parallels to read about.

As I get further away from D-day, things keep clicking. Like how in the beginning part of her ego seemed to be attached to how people would 'fall for her easily'. In the end, she mentioned how she's had a lot of 'stalkers'. CLICK. I'm not the first, and I'm not the last she's love-bombed then discarded and made feel utterly heartbroken, and set up to feel responsible for her being 'forever done'.

But then I swing back over to blaming myself and despairing.

I'm so sick of the perpetual analysis fueled by the guilt. I think part of me is still in the relationship, while she's off forgetting about me with her next fix.

What's really effing frustrating, is that my self-esteem and confidence is shattered, and I know that I'm giving off all the wrong vibes in the dating world right now. Like they can just smell the blood. The luck I was having before her was great. I would cut off a nut to have that back and be able to fill the void she's left in me. Yet I'm still hung up on thinking she might miraculously make up. I keep checking my phone, like a damn fool. I'm scared of how long my mind will overshadow any other potentials with the effect she's had on me. I hung out with two girls since her, and felt nothing. I'm scared that anyone I meet I will just subconsciously compare to her. I wish I could just cut her out like she did me, and move on.

I'm trying. I'm using every resource I got, but somedays nothing seems to help.
 

[flamingspiral]

Also, Harley Quinn your posts are the most valuable thing I've had in this whole process. I sincerely appreciate all the objective wisdom you share with us all. It really helps.

[Lost-love-mind]

Beezleconduit:

I'm glad we and others share similar stories, it definitely helps with not gas lighting myself having you and other's parallels to read about.

As I get further away from D-day, things keep clicking. Like how in the beginning part of her ego seemed to be attached to how people would 'fall for her easily'. In the end, she mentioned how she's had a lot of 'stalkers'. CLICK. I'm not the first, and I'm not the last she's love-bombed then discarded and made feel utterly heartbroken, and set up to feel responsible for her being 'forever done'.

But then I swing back over to blaming myself and despairing.

I'm so sick of the perpetual analysis fueled by the guilt. I think part of me is still in the relationship, while she's off forgetting about me with her next fix.
 
 

Oh yes.

 The stories she told me of her previous stalkers.

The love bombing with me and those beautiful blues eyes.

Yes, it all clicks hearing the pattern with others and their exBPD on this forum.

Now you got me thinking = How Many guys before and since? She told me only one date since her divorce a year earlier before she met me. Was that BS?

Yes, I feel like I'm stuck in a relationship with her and even have imaginary conversation with her in my head.

I gotta move on. We all do.
 Stop the ruminating. Meet someone new and functional willing to be in an adult mature relationship. I'm ready after more than 3 mos. of self examination. Good luck my friend.

[flamingspiral]

Mutt

Yeah, I read those beliefs almost daily. They're essentially my bible right now.

Belief 2 is just hard to grasp sometimes, especially after the intense things she would say. But it's the actions that truly speak.

Thank you all.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi flaminspiral,

Thanks for your kind words.  It's good to hear that you feel support here has helped.  After all, that's what we're here for.  Each of us is on our own journey and we all help one another along this bumpy road.

So, having oscillated ceaselessly between different angles, logics, and conjecture on my side, I guess my mind had nowhere left to go but over to her side.

As far as where I'm at in the stages of grief, I keep bouncing around the first 3. I've barely and occasionally make it to four, but then the guilt of feeling like I f***** up the deepest connection I've ever felt with someone keeps pulling me back into the first 3.

I feel miles away from 5.

 

Letting yourself look at things from another angle other than your own is the first step to really understanding your situation and being able to work with the outcome of it.  Once we've processed all of this, the true healing can begin.  Because when it comes down to it, with all of the facts in place, we can see that the r/s wasn't destined to become what we'd initially hoped, and the way things turned out are testament to that.  Having reached the stage of devaluation, through whatever means we've fallen from grace, is unlikely to allow for a full reversal back to where things were.  (Interestingly we've another poll just launched on just this topic, posted by Lucky Jim).  So one way or another the way forward is going to be different from our expectations.  There are of course options that present themselves, however none of these will realistically include the option of returning to what was.  We must reach a point of acceptance, which is very hard and painful yet gives us a platform from which to move forwards.  

Knowing what you do about where you are in your grieving is not an excuse to beat yourself up about your progress.  If anything, being able to recognise when we may become stuck in anger further down the line for example is positive as it allows us to examine the reasons for this so that we may get unstuck and continue the process.  This stuff takes time though, so be patient with yourself and don't try to race for the finish.  It's a marathon, not a sprint and we'll be here all the way through to the finish line to help you up if you stumble.  

Being truthful to yourself, in order to help yourself at the present time, what could you do more of and what could you do less of?  Establishing these things for yourself is helpful as only you are living this.  Others can only look in.  What can you promise yourself that is meaningful towards improving your well being?

Love and light x