Dumped on my birthday

[trevjim]

So my actual breakup from an ex with BPD was nearly 5 years ago, ive since been trying to find/build a healthy relationship in the dating scene.

I thought i was doing ok, I had finally met a girl i really liked,  got on great and had been seeing her for nearly 2 months.

Here's where it went wrong, i asked her a couple of weeks ago if she fancied making it official. She replied saying she wasnt ready, which is fine and i respected that, i had simply felt it was the right time to ask. So we carried on dating as we were.

However, i feel my i compared the first 2 months with her to the first 2 months with my BPD ex. They were not as intense or romantic, and it really made me feel she wasnt interested, i didnt get texts saying how much she missed me or how she was falling for me, which is things my ex used to say when we first started.

So considering i wasnt getting those type of feelings back, i pushed a bit more, i tried harder to get her to be my GF. Nothing too pathetic or over the top, but i became over sensitive to things she would say and read to much into things like her being too tired to hang out one night.

I never consciously pushed but i think it rubbed off reading between the lines, and yesterday we went out for a meal on my birthday. The meal was great but as we were leaving she bought up the subject and a mild argument happened.

Her side saying im pushing her and my side saying im not and that im cool with just seeing how things develop.

It ended with her calling it a day.

Im absolutely devestated, i was looking forward to spending my birthday with someone i really like and it ended with me getting dumped. Im in pieces

[Lucky Jim]

Hey trevjim, I'm sorry to hear about your b/u, which must have been a drag on your birthday!  It sounds like the two of you may have been on different wavelengths.  What did you mean when you asked her about making it "official"?  I suspect that we all project about how things are going to play out on a special day like one's birthday, yet sometimes the opposite happens, which seems to be part of life.  Needless to say, there are other fish in the sea and maybe you can find someone who is a better fit for you.

LuckyJIm

[trevjim]

Thanks lucky jim.

By official i meant in terms of becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. I felt it was the right time and a few people had referred to her as my girlfriend and vice versa for her, so I basically just said id like you to become my girlfriend. Which is when she said about her commitment issues and all that. I must admit i do feel a bit led on but i dont think that was her intentions

[Lucky Jim]

OK, I got a kick out of that designation -- "official" -- which seems a throwback to another dating era, like the phrase "going steady."  In a sense, it's good that you brought things out in the open in terms of your expectations for the r/s, before you invested too much time and energy on it.  Give yourself credit for communicating your needs!  I did a lot of dating at one stage of my life and, when things didn't work out with someone, I told myself to cross her name off the list of potential SO's and move on to the next.  In my experience, someone else always comes along when you start looking again.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

getting dumped on your birthday. geez that is awful  .

i know youre in no mood for monday morning quarterbacking or kicking yourself. besides, you seem to be owning some missteps here.

ive overpursued a lot in relationships, so i would like to give some friendly advice for going forward.

ive read advice on this board that suggests its quite often a bad idea for a man in a romantic relationship to push for commitment or "official" status. from what i gather, a great deal of the time, a woman in a romantic relationship will make her intentions clear and let you know shes looking for something official.

obviously thats generalizing and wont apply in 100% of cases, but ive definitely found it to be true in my case.

thats also not to say doing so is a fatal error. you werent satisfied with the state of things, communicated that, she communicated her end, here you are. it happens, and quite commonly, in the first three months of a relationship.

heres where i would hone in:

i feel my i compared the first 2 months with her to the first 2 months with my BPD ex. They were not as intense or romantic, and it really made me feel she wasnt interested, i didnt get texts saying how much she missed me or how she was falling for me, which is things my ex used to say when we first started.

So considering i wasnt getting those type of feelings back, i pushed a bit more, i tried harder to get her to be my GF.

ive been there. historically im at my most comfortable when the woman is doing most of the engaging and chasing, and when that isnt the case, i read in too much and i over compensate. its just not a winning strategy. sometimes the situation is a dead end and its best to get out and look elsewhere. sometimes the situation is evolving naturally and its best to be cool. pushing when i am insecure about the state of the relationship has tended to result in rejection for me.

i think we only want to go so far in our comparisons of prospective lovers to our BPD exes. to be sure, my ex has some qualities id very much like to find in a future lover. it was also an unhealthy relationship that started as unhealthy from the beginning.

ive learned that the foundations of a healthy relationship, like trust and intimacy, respect, good communication, these things are built slowly and over time. the thing about a relationship with someone with BPD is that things usually become intense very quickly, and we can mistake intensity for intimacy. two months, relatively speaking, is not a long time. a lot of talking and "i miss you"s arent the foundation of a healthy long term relationship. i understand they feel good. theyre reassuring, if youre like me, and get insecure. im misleading and boxing myself in however, if i am dependent on those things.

and i think in terms of finding someone you click with, theres a balance to be found. if your partner is totally aloof, and youre wanting more, it might be a dead end. the inverse is true if your partner is applying pressure youre not comfortable with. if both partners are showing consistency, and "clicking", its a good sign.

just some thoughts for going forward. for now, lick your wounds and treat yourself gently and kindly. we can help you pick up the pieces and im confident youll bounce back from this.  

[trevjim]

 Thanks once removed. That pretty much sums me up in a nutshell. I am usually pretty chill in dating these days but she was so aloof about things. Whilst she was quite affectionate, always great to be around and wonderful company, when i wasnt with her it certainly felt like I was making all the effort. That made me insecure, which made me needy, which put her off. Dispite my conscious efforts not to seem needy.

Her mum would refer to me as her boyfriend and she would knock her back saying in a slightly humorous way "dont say the B word". Hearing that from a girl you really like and would like to be her boyfriend, it really makes you feel bad.

I will try to learn from it. The frustrating thing is, i was simply being myself, i wasnt playing any games and yet i should of played the 'play hard to get game'. That annoys me that games are still required in mature relationships.

[once removed]

i should of played the 'play hard to get game'.

i dont think this is the takeaway. sure, there is something to be said for maintaining mystery and attractiveness, at any stage of a relationship, but especially early on, and theres something to be said as well for managing expectations. i dont think thats the same thing as playing games, any more than i think you should resign yourself to a relationship youre not comfortable in.

Her mum would refer to me as her boyfriend and she would knock her back saying in a slightly humorous way "dont say the B word". Hearing that from a girl you really like and would like to be her boyfriend, it really makes you feel bad.

definitely, but its a sign to be heeded. what you do with that sign is what matters. maybe you say "im reading too much into this, but im okay with where things are, and ill back off." maybe you say "at two months id like to be further along, and this isnt working for me". those arent your only options, of course.

i try to manage my neediness and insecurity, but sometimes its also just a sign that things arent working for me. that both parties are a bad mix.

few years back there was a gal i mostly knew online. when she engaged, shed want to talk for hours. when i engaged shed be close to non responsive and id get nowhere, so i left it to her. so when she wasnt engaging id be a nervous wreck. i pushed for us to hang out - i dont think i pushed too hard, but that was the logical next step, right? meanwhile she communicated to me that she was very nervous and "required patience". this dynamic went on for a few months. finally we hung out, we hit it off, i was smooth as hell and i broke the physical contact barrier successfully. she was seeing some stars when we went home. i immediately proceeded to play all of my cards and get heavy and serious and she balked.

theres a lot i did that id prefer not to repeat in the future, and i also think if shed been more consistent, a better communicator, id have played it a lot cooler. but the signs were there pretty early on that i was barking up the wrong tree and i continued to invest. i think all three points are equally important. i had more learning to do, and we also, at the end of the day, just didnt click.

do you think maybe thats the case here?

[trevjim]

 You've really hit the nail on the head here for me, i cant express just how much hearing that and talking about it has helped. So thank you.

The girl you mention sounds so similar to the one i was with. She said she wanted to take it slow, had barriers up and required patience.

Yet when i was with her and things were good everything was great, she seemed to really enjoy it and was really into it.

Yet she wasnt 'into' me when she wasnt with me, and coupled with the other things, i tried to communicate it, but she wasnt a good communicater, and this just made me invenst more and push more. I do feel i would of been much cooler it she had made things more 'steady'

What you write about sounds like a different situation but with similar prinicpals.

It really hurts because ive dated for 5 years and never met anyone ive liked as much as her, but it all fell apart. Im so frustrated

[once removed]

It really hurts because ive dated for 5 years and never met anyone ive liked as much as her

theres a lot to be desired in the dating world, but five years of dating is a pretty long time to only come across one that created sparks for you. what do you think it was about this girl and this relationship that was different? what drew you in?

[trevjim]

 Well i met 1 other girl who left me for an ex, and that really hurt me, but i moved on, and its actually moving on from that which has provided perspective in this break up, as i know i can do it.

I like girls with big personalities, usually a little loud and lots of fun to be around. Part of the problem is i have expensive taste, and what i mean by that is i go for girls who are 'out my league' looks wise. Which really narrows down the field, however thats who im attracted to and i cant change that.

I have tried dating girls that don't fit that criteria but i tend to find myself getting bored and hurting them in the process.

That said, I always try to give someone a chance, but it seems there is a certain type who i gravitate to

[once removed]

i go for girls who are 'out my league' looks wise.

before i respond to the rest, would you say that most of them also have low self esteem?

[trevjim]

 My BPD ex yes, the others no

[once removed]

so you like:

big, fun personalities
above average looks

you get to be picky about some things. that doesnt sound unrealistic enough that you would only meet one that you sparked with in five years. is there more?

is there room between those two criteria, ie youre okay with closer to average looks + big, fun personality?

[trevjim]

 Id say the first 2 years I was still getting over my ex, I wasn't confident, wasnt in the best shape physically and didnt have any real dating experience, so I simply didnt attract the girls I like.

In the previous 3 years, ive met 2 girls i really liked, which is the one in question and the one that left for her ex. Another that dumped me because she didnt feel it was working for her, which i was ok with as i hadnt really developed feelings for her at that point. Another we hit it off but not long after she got offered a once in a life time job abroad.

So theres 4 girls there that i would class as being girls i would of kept on dating if circumstances were more favourable.

In terms of the second point, yes i would compromise, there was another girl who i dated for about a month as she had a wonderful personality, but i just didnt feel the physical attraction was quite enough. Yet i did still give it a good go with her but felt i was forcing it at that point.

[Hisaccount]

I am not saying you shouldn't have high standards. We like what we like.
What I look for today is completely different that what I wanted 20 years ago.

have you ever seen the TV show the bachelor? There was one season that featured a midwest farm boy.
I was forced to watch the first episode. In that first episode I saw this blonde from California. Turns out she was a virgin even.
Right there I said, yep she is the one. Every farm boys dream right there.
Turns out on the last episode he proposed to her, she could not commit and turned him down.

He was very clear from the start what he was looking for. She knew what she was getting into. She fought against all of the others to win his affection and she did. But in the end she didn't want it. Turned him down flat on national TV.
Granted some of it could be scripted but not the things she said to him, the way she acted.
She just could not make a choice.

I don't know why she didn't take his offer. but that entire time she was telling him, I am falling for you and said all the right things to get him to the point, then to pull that?

Just goes to show that even when you are upfront and honest, being the best person you can be, sometimes it just isn't the right person.

[spacecadet]

I'm so sorry this happened, and on your birthday.

I can relate to what you say about not feeling a strong attraction to very many people, which makes it tougher when one r/s doesn't pan out, even a relatively brief one.

Looking forward, is there a way you can increase the number of people you're around who fit the profile of what you want? Go to some networking groups through meetup or something that tend to attract those personalities? In addition to the personality and being pretty, are there also other qualities you seek, like a desire to have a family or love of music or... .?

[stimpy]

Trevjim,

that sounds pretty rough - having a girl you like end it with you on your birthday, I hope you're feeling better soon  

Something struck a cord with me when reading your comments - and is something I've been through as well quite recently and is very similar to your experience. With me, my situation was that I met someone, we really got on well when we were together, but her communication patterns were, well, terrible. Sometimes my messages wouldn't get answered for days and days, or she would claim she had replied but the message got "lost" or she was just forgetful.

I ended it after she said she simply forgot (that was the last straw).

But looking back, I realise, she just didn't think about me when we weren't together, it was like I was a hobby to her, but nothing more, and looking at other aspects of her life, then that would fit her personality. As far as she was concerned she wasn't doing anything wrong. As far as I was concerned she was being disrespectful and not putting in the right effort to make things work long term. Which brings me to this... .

Yet she wasnt 'into' me when she wasnt with me, and coupled with the other things, i tried to communicate it, but she wasnt a good communicater, and this just made me invenst more and push more. I do feel i would of been much cooler it she had made things more 'steady'

And your last comment I think sums things up. So I think maybe we both pushed to get the emotional fulfilment we felt was what we wanted, but in so doing, quite likely pushed too hard. Maybe anyway.

In my case, I got frustrated with the whole thing and ended things. So my reaction in the end was different, but with the same end result... .the relationship ended.

Afterwards, yes, I've felt a bit crap, because she liked me and I liked her, but she was tied up in her own world, and when we weren't together, I no longer really mattered. And really, that is not the sort of person I want to be with. This thing about being "steady" is I think very important, if someone is unpredictable or erratic, I know that for me, that ramps up my insecurities and deep down I know this is not good for me as a person. It makes me anxious and the anxiety will show, sometimes as me pushing harder to make things work, or exiting the relationship when it gets too much.

What it is really telling me is that the relationship isn't right. But still, even though it isn't right, it doesn't mean I won't miss her, want to be with her and have to grieve what might have been, and have to go through all the trial and error or having to find someone new all over again.

[once removed]

are we also maybe expecting too much too soon?

[stimpy]

are we also maybe expecting too much too soon?

I think the first few weeks / early months of a relationship can set a pattern that becomes what you might call the "norm" between two people. So I'd say it isn't expecting too much too soon, it is expecting something that is balanced, mutually rewarding and respectful to both people. And that for me, needs to be established fairly soon, otherwise it is unbalanced.

But it doesn't mean head over heals in love, or seeing each other all the time, it means steady, calm, responsiveness, without over eagerness.

For me, unstable communication patterns from a SO are not a good sign... .

[once removed]

For me, unstable communication patterns from a SO are not a good sign... .

agreed.

[Lost-love-mind]

Q for "once removed".
I've read this thread and it reminds me so much of the measly 2 mos. R/s with my exBPD. In my recent thread 're: dating again and you asked some great questions about my introspection of what I'm doing and what I'm looking for in a new relationship, when it happens.

My Q: I noticed trevjim mentioned quite a bit of his communication was via text and his hopefull steady gf appeared not committed to the r/s.
Same with my exBPD. She could text great love bombing initially and in the 2d mos it was more seeking validation of her insecurities with her new job. She would not talk on the phone when there was need on my part for clarification of some of her negatives she directed at me out last week together.
When we were together she could not verbalize her needs or any feelings. She certainly could text quite a bit of her needs, but no real sincere feelings.
I read that when someone is not fully committed to a r/s the texting is a way of keeping the other person at arms length (e.g. non committed emotional intimacy).
Is this a BPD trait or just an overall psychological trait of any uncommitted
potential "significant other"?

[once removed]

im not sure its a sign of anything in particular other than that one has a relationship with someone who prefers the written word (not a bad thing).

as an introvert, my preference for expressing myself is often the written word. id much prefer to speak by text than phone. having said that, i dont think conducting most of the communication in a relationship by text is the best strategy.

it sounds like your ex is a more extreme version of that. i doubt it was a deliberate method of controlling you or keeping you at arms length, she just struggled (a lot) to express herself, and over relied on text.

[Lost-love-mind]

Thx. She was an introvert and a high functioning "quiet" BPD. She just never expressed her needs verbally. Told me her exhubby#2 would verbally abuse her and dominate her.
Her exhubby#1 was into physical domination and she admitted b ing a "submissive".

I feel sorry for her because I truly believe we could have had a reached a level of intimacy, but just not possible through texting.

 I figured it was her "safe" method to communicate due to prior male domination. I still believe her love bombing texting was due her stunted emotional growth that made her stuck as a teenager. Just my belief.
I still miss the good .