Same thing every day

[coworkerfriend]

I have been doing my best to take some time and space from my pwBPD.  I have been focusing a lot of my attention on work since we are very busy and I got behind dealing with the distractions from my pwBPD.  I made it clear that he distracts me and if he is going to come into the office, he will have a list of work that needs to get done that day.  That pretty much has kept him away, he was here one day a week for the past two weeks.  I gave him things to do - he complained but did get them done.   I scheduled a meeting for him on Friday, which he asked me to schedule, and I got a call an hour before the meeting that his head isn't into it and he wasn't coming in.  I took the meeting since I do not want to start losing business due to his issues.   

Every day, it's the same thing.  He wants my attention - he calls and tells me he is sick or depressed or anxious - I  ask him if he needs anything or if there is anything I can do, he says that no one can help him and he stays home. 

I keep wondering if  my validation of his feelings has lead to those feelings taking a deeper hold on his thoughts.  He can't gain any sort of perspective - his distorted thinking is completely his reality and nothing seems to matter to him.  He truly doesn't care about work - or me or anything at all. He tells me how bored he is with his life and does absolutely nothing to change it.  He keeps telling me that I need to do something to get him out of this funk but I know better.  I just feel stuck in a weird limbo I guess.  I am tired from working so hard - tired of the same thing with him every day.  It seems the more space I try to take, the more he contacts me and has some excuse to talk to me.  I have been finding myself getting more and more frustrated with the whole thing and when he senses my frustration, he reigns himself in and tries to say things that I think he thinks I want to hear.

I think part of my problem is that I want a plan or a resolution and I know it is going to take time.  I am still having a hard time trying to figure out what I want. 

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds like you're carrying the whole weight of the business by yourself. Therefore you know that you can do it and that's one thing to check off the list of what would happen if you chose to let go of this personal and/or business relationship.

At this point, it sounds like he's just dead weight, dragging down your energy. What you choose to do in the future could either free you or keep you in this conundrum of indecision, but you've got a good idea of what your present course will yield.

Something is keeping you tied to this person and if you can explicitly define it, you'll have a better idea of how important this relationship is to you, in its current state.

Lots to untangle if you choose to go that direction, but it's not insolvable if you take it step by step.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you so much for responding Cat - there is something that is keeping me tied to him.  I have been talking to my therapist about it - I thought I was addicted to the drama/attention or some part of that but she thinks it's deeper.  I agree with her and for some reason, I stop myself from figuring it out.  I keep myself stuck.

I do carry the whole weight of the business - I am past the point of thinking I need to have him involved.  He is a tremendous strain on my energy and I keep myself stuck in the middle of it.  I need to define what is keeping me tied to him.  There is a lot to untangle and I get overwhelmed. 

In most areas of my life, I can think problems and situations to some sort of conclusion.  I can see what the pro/cons are - I can make decisions.  I have let his moods/feelings take over.  I am recognizing how deeply codependent I am and have been throughout my life.

I need help untangling my thoughts.  I feel like half a person since I am so consumed by this. 

[Fie]

I thought I was addicted to the drama/attention or some part of that but she thinks it's deeper.  I agree with her and for some reason, I stop myself from figuring it out.  I keep myself stuck.

How were the dynamics in your FOO ? Would you say you come from an emotional stable background ?

Is it possible you are trying to come to terms with your past, by holding on to something too long ?

[coworkerfriend]

My parents are very self-centered - they like to be the center of attention and how they feel about things always overrides anything else.  Growing up I felt that I had to earn their love - if I did the right thing, was good at school - helped around the house, they would love me. I know they think they love me unconditionally, but I haven't felt like that. I got married young because they thought it was the right thing to do.  I stayed married too long in hopes I could change my ex - make him love me and my kids by doing the right things.  The right things were always defined by him.  When I started by own business he became very jealous and was not supportive and he left. 

When my pwBPD and I started the business, I had no idea of his illness.  I thought he was moody - easy to anger but I had no idea how bad it would get. He was passionate and loving and angry and distant.  Again, I fell into the trap if I just did the right thing - whatever that may be - he would love me. I became completely codependent over the years and it is just recent that I have recognized it and have tried to establish boundaries and space for myself. 

I know he loves me.  I love him but  I also understand that love really has nothing to do with this.

I have been taking more space for myself every week.  Just turning off my phone and trying to focus on time for myself.  Even after one evening like that, I hear about how how he needed me or that proves that he can't rely on me and he ends it.  He twists things around and confuses me.  I feel horrible and I second guess myself.  I think somehow I could have done "the right thing".  Logically, I know there is nothing I can do.  Emotionally I struggle to catch up.

I really don't know why I am afraid to just focus on me and let go of the delusion that things will get better. I don't know why I think that a personal and/or business relationship with him means so much to me.  Am I afraid of being a failure at yet another relationship?  I don't know. 
I can't think this situation out - I can't put my options in front of me.  I get overwhelmed when I try to do that and I seem to shut myself down.  Time passes and he comes back to normal and the cycle starts over again. 

[Cat Familiar]

CWF,
I too, was trained to be a "good little girl" and do the "right thing" and not be a bother or get in the way of anybody else. As a therapist friend said, "Good girls attract sociopaths."

Well, your pwBPD may not be a sociopath, but he definitely sounds like he has been dealing with a very enduring personality disorder that complicates his life. Where else could he work one day a week at a job and then retreat to his "poor me" space and do whatever he does when he's avoiding responsibility?

It seemed very "selfish" for me to learn to ask myself what I wanted. I was too busy trying to help others get what they wanted and all my life I had been manipulated by that "selfish" word into not pursuing my own needs and wants. It took time for me to realize that I had every right to do what I wanted and needed and that I had been sold a cruel message that taking care of myself somehow harmed others.

When I finally understood and peeled back years of manipulation, I was righteously angry when I realized that other people thought I should support their wants and needs, but that mine were somehow unimportant. However, it was a deep message that began in childhood and I'm still triggered somewhat by that "selfish" word. However, now that I know that, it doesn't bother me very much. In fact today my husband asked me to do something for him and I grudgingly did it, then made a joke about how unenthusiastic I was to help.

He said, "At least you could have been gracious." I replied, "Nope, I'm just selfish and lazy." I laughed, thinking to myself how much I never wanted to confess thinking that previously and how freeing it was to feel that and admit it.

Of course, with a pwBPD it didn't go over too well. I ignored his complaints about not being catered too. I did it, after all--he wanted me to fake enthusiasm for helping him do something he could easily have done on his own.    (It was making him an espresso, not sex, for those of you who might have thought that!)

And ignoring the "poor me" crap basically stopped it for a while and we had a fun conversation. However when he left to watch football with a friend, he started up on that again and I caught myself starting to JADE. But, baby steps. I'm learning not to go to the lifelong default strategies that have formed such well-worn grooves in my brain circuitry.

[Fie]

You are staying with your husband while you rationally know you should get out of the relationship, do I get that right ?
A lot of themes like 'trauma bonding' etc. are discussed in 'The journey from abandonment to healing'. Did you read it ? It has been of great help to me.

[Grey Kitty]

I have been taking more space for myself every week.  Just turning off my phone and trying to focus on time for myself.  Even after one evening like that, I hear about how how he needed me or that proves that he can't rely on me and he ends it.  He twists things around and confuses me.  I feel horrible and I second guess myself.  I think somehow I could have done "the right thing".  Logically, I know there is nothing I can do.  Emotionally I struggle to catch up.

I'd suggest you try to focus on being aware of that feeling of being confused (and especially twisted around) by re-training yourself on what it means/what is going on when it happens.

It is natural when you are confused to think that you are doing something wrong, and "should" be doing something better/different. (Personally whenever I hear myself saying should to myself, I know I'm going down a messed up rabbit hole; your experience may vary)

In these situations, your feeling confused is exactly the real problem, and he's causing it. The solution is to remove yourself when he's doing/saying these things that confuse you.

And yes, you will feel guilty or uncomfortable when you do this. Don't try to talk yourself out of those feelings, they are real and they are yours... .but don't let them drive your actions to stay in a situation that is harming you either.

It sounds like you are doing better, not letting him drag you down at work (besides being dead weight, at least). Remember progress is made by taking actions--when you know they are the right thing to, even if it is difficult or uncomfortable to do so!

I can't think this situation out - I can't put my options in front of me.  I get overwhelmed when I try to do that and I seem to shut myself down.

Do you mean that the scope of your potential decisions--ones that would end a professional or personal relationship are overwhelming? Or do you mean that it is overwhelming to deal with specific situations you are in?

You know... .that's one of his favorite tools to confuse you. He makes *ANY* conflict into one that will end your relationship with him forever if you don't do exactly what he wants, stated, or unstated, possible, or impossible.

And I'm 99.99% sure he's bluffing. He's been making threats like this for how many years? And he's only shut you out for 2 or 3 weeks how many times? If he wanted to shut you out of his life forever, he had many opportunities to do so, and he hasn't yet. I'd be really surprised if he did.

[Cat Familiar]

I'd suggest you try to focus on being aware of that feeling of being confused (and especially twisted around) by re-training yourself on what it means/what is going on when it happens.

It is natural when you are confused to think that you are doing something wrong, and "should" be doing something better/different. (Personally whenever I hear myself saying should to myself, I know I'm going down a messed up rabbit hole; your experience may vary)

In these situations, your feeling confused is exactly the real problem, and he's causing it. The solution is to remove yourself when he's doing/saying these things that confuse you.

And yes, you will feel guilty or uncomfortable when you do this. Don't try to talk yourself out of those feelings, they are real and they are yours... .but don't let them drive your actions to stay in a situation that is harming you either.


CWF, your story is so reminiscent of mine with my ex-husband, with whom I was business partners.

I remember so many times getting clear on saying something to him and then suddenly, mid-discussion, I felt that complete confusion as he twisted my words around and soon he was on a rant telling me how poorly I had treated him and then I'd apologize for something I really did not understand and promise never to do it (whatever it was) again.

Then an hour or two later, I'd realize that whatever complaint I had, conflict I wanted to resolve, idea I wanted to share--none of that was ever discussed. Somehow he had hijacked the conversation into an endless litany of offenses I had supposedly committed against him.

[formflier]

As a pragmatic business idea (solution... short term) can you have an employee package up some work that can be sent home for him to do.  Perhaps something "long lead" so that if he gets it done it helps and if he doesn't, there is not a crisis.

The idea about employee doing this keeps him off your mind.

FF