Reflections after 3 months without my ex. Better but it's not over yet...

[Nero.]

So my 3rd month since I last saw my ex just passed. Without a doubt it was the worst time in my life. I was, very seriously, contemplating suicide. I was depressed beyond belief and I couldn't see light at the end of this tunnel.
My friends, my mother and You guys helped me immensely. I can't thank You enough for all the messages and support.

Two weeks ago I started taking antidepressants and It really helped. I finally was able to sleep entire night without dreaming about my ex. They also 'mute' my pain and I can analise and look at all that from better perspective. Apart from doing usual stuff (job, gym, animal shelter on weekends) I went out for a couple of parties, hanging out with people I know, making new contacts etc.

Overall I felt ground under my feet again. Sure - I still thought every day about my ex. And how I miss her but again... .It was muted. Less vibrant then before.

Also week ago I've met a girl on one of the parties. She's working in the company I used to work before and after couple of days I asked her out. We ended up in my place, talking for way over six hours, joking, sharing and overall... .We had great time together. Next day we've met again and this time... .She stayed for the night:)

We both don't want anything serious but at the same time we are enjoying each others company and... .Yeah, physical aspect is also a nice bonus

Overall her presence was HUGE boost for me. I finally felt that I'm not an ugly, miserable pice of crap that my ex made me feel. I'm more mature, I have an awesome job and I did EVERYTHING I could to save my relationship, but It was my ex choice not to give us a second chance. Her choice. Not mine.

However... .I'm still faaaaar from being okey. I know that consequences of what happend are carved deep in my head. And It's gonna take a lot of time and work to heal myself.

Also, because I'm thinking with slightly better clarity, I still have a hunch -not hope, not certainty- but hunch, that I need to prepare myself because my ex will eventually reach out. And that this "book" is not yet closed.

Anyway, last 2 weeks were good. For the first time in months I felt I could breathe again.

[Hisaccount]

That is great news. Glad to hear it.

Antidepressants were a big help for me too. I was able to function.

It allowed me to get out and have fun. Date. Pack, move. Work. Everything was easier.
With everyday, especially after no contact it got better and better.

Dating was huge, built my self esteem and confidence back up. It told me I was not all those horrible things  I thought I was. It opened new worlds to me.

[Mutt]

Antidepressants were a big help for me too. I was able to function.

Same here, huge difference.

I still have a hunch -not hope, not certainty- but hunch, that I need to prepare myself because my ex will eventually reach out. And that this "book" is not yet closed.

What would you do if she her feelers out?

[Harley Quinn]

However... .I'm still faaaaar from being okey. I know that consequences of what happend are carved deep in my head. And It's gonna take a lot of time and work to heal myself.

It's great to hear that you're feeling improvements from the antidepressant.  I think I told you previously in another thread that I take an SSRI and only wish I'd done so sooner.  Regards the above, I'm glad you have this self awareness and are not intent on sweeping this impact under the rug as can be so tempting to many people (in the world at large).  How do you plan to approach this work on your healing?  Do you have anything in mind?

Love and light x

[Nero.]

What would you do if she her feelers out?

Honestly? I have no idea. Even if I wanted to, I can't forget what she did to me. She burned ALL the bridges, she crossed me over without a word after 12 years AND she started new relationship - These are things I can't forgive.
So I don't know how I would react. All I know is I can't allow myself to be looked down upon. I have to be stronger, focused and I can't allow to be consumed by both- love and anger - for her.
But it's just a hunch. So maybe I'm wrong, maybe my friends and family are also wrong and I'll never see her again? I don't know. Like I said - It's not hope, it's not logical - it's just a weird feeling at the back of my mind.

How do you plan to approach this work on your healing?  Do you have anything in mind?

I think I want to keep myself busy like I did for the past couple of weekes. I'm in good position because my job is strongly connected to my hobby so that's a huge plus.
Also helping animals is therapeutic for me. Being around dogs, cats and other animals in the shelter is heartbreaking but at the same time their pure hearts and honesty is great contrast to peoples behavior.
Also gym is always great way to keep my mind off things. Taking antidepresants is helping. And so on...

Overall I'll try to keep myself occupied with positive things. But I wan't to make sure that I'm not sitting in one place. I wan't more from live and from myself. I wan't to be better at my job I wan't to feed my ambitious and I want to improve myself. Be better for my friends and family. Be kind and good. And also... .I don't want to be hurt like that ever again. Like I said above... .I think even tho the chapter is closed, book remains open. So if she reaches out to me I'll need to be the one holding the cards.

[Mutt]

Honestly? I have no idea. Even if I wanted to, I can't forget what she did to me. She burned ALL the bridges, she crossed me over without a word after 12 years AND she started new relationship - These are things I can't forgive.
So I don't know how I would react. All I know is I can't allow myself to be looked down upon. I have to be stronger, focused and I can't allow to be consumed by both- love and anger - for her.

She crossed a boundary, cheating is a deal breaker for you. Some people can take a partner back after they have cheated and work with it,, it's a lot of work and some can't. I can relate with your statement, my ex crossed an unforgivable line for me. Some people might say that it's too "black and white' The world is a grey area with black and white slits. My point is that to not worry how you're going to react if your boundary is that you're not going to take her back after cheating. Your boundaries are there to protect you.

Healing takes time, I completely understand how you don't want to harbor ill will towards your ex. I didn't want to either but anger has it's place, it can help us with detaching from unhealthy r/s, maybe you're not comfortable with feeling anger or feelings in general?

[Nero.]

Healing takes time, I completely understand how you don't want to harbor ill will towards your ex. I didn't want to either but anger has it's place, it can help us with detaching from unhealthy r/s, maybe you're not comfortable with feeling anger or feelings in general?

Oh no! I absolutely am angry. The ONE person I would trust with everything stabbed me in the back. She crossed me over like I was piece of trash... .So hell yeah I'm angry.
I'm just saying that I can't be blinded by that anger. I need clarity. Climbing up that ladder called life. Because IF the times comes to confront her - I'm going to look down upon her, not other way around. And being consumed by love or anger would mean she won... .And that I can't allow.