12 Steps- mad at ?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone here tried a 12 Step program (Al-Anon)for ways to heal and cope from being in a relationship with a BPD? I started going a few months ago (off and on) because alcohol and drugs have also caused havoc in my relationship, and I discovered through some self-help books that 12 step programs can help those who have a BPD in their life.
I found Step One helpful. "I am powerless over the behavior of my husband." It was such a relief to let go of the feeling that I could (and should) try to keep the peace in my house. It was a relief to realize that i should just go about my life, being kind certainly, but not trying so hard to do everything "right" to control my relationship. I can really only control me, and take care of me. Other adults are responsible for their own selves.
Step Two has presented a problem for me. "Believed a Power higher than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I was surprised at my resistance to this. I consider myself a religious person. But when I got to this step, this morning, I felt a lot of anger and grief. I have prayed for 18 years, crying and begging God to help me know what to do in my relationship. And I never felt like I got an answer. What did I expect God to do? I don't know. I certainly know he wasn't going to fly down from heaven and pick me up and plop me in a new life. But I guess I also don't know how to take Step Two. Do I really believe God will help me? I don't know. I don't know if He ever has. And I hate saying that because I pray every morning and I know I need God. But I'm sad and angry, yes, angry, about the last 18 years of my life. How can I expect God to help me change my life when He hasn't yet? I don't want to wait another 18 years.
Can anyone relate?

[Indiagirl]

Has anyone here tried a 12 Step program (Al-Anon)for ways to heal and cope from being in a relationship with a BPD? I started going a few months ago (off and on) because alcohol and drugs have also caused havoc in my relationship, and I discovered through some self-help books that 12 step programs can help those who have a BPD in their life.
I found Step One helpful. "I am powerless over the behavior of my husband." It was such a relief to let go of the feeling that I could (and should) try to keep the peace in my house. It was a relief to realize that i should just go about my life, being kind certainly, but not trying so hard to do everything "right" to control my relationship. I can really only control me, and take care of me. Other adults are responsible for their own selves.
Step Two has presented a problem for me. "Believed a Power higher than ourselves could restore us to sanity." I was surprised at my resistance to this. I consider myself a religious person. But when I got to this step, this morning, I felt a lot of anger and grief. I have prayed for 18 years, crying and begging God to help me know what to do in my relationship. And I never felt like I got an answer. What did I expect God to do? I don't know. I certainly know he wasn't going to fly down from heaven and pick me up and plop me in a new life. But I guess I also don't know how to take Step Two. Do I really believe God will help me? I don't know. I don't know if He ever has. And I hate saying that because I pray every morning and I know I need God. But I'm sad and angry, yes, angry, about the last 18 years of my life. How can I expect God to help me change my life when He hasn't yet? I don't want to wait another 18 years.
Can anyone relate?

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[JoeBPD81]

I can relate. I lost my faith in organized religion years ago. I miss it and I respect people that practice with faith. But I still pray, and have my beliefs and values.

Personally, I don't find my place in life and I feel I've been surviving and not living. I try to be useful to others, because myself I don't see the purpose of living. Depression, apathy... .Not sure. But yeah, I'm almost 40, and I'm tired of thinking "When it's my life going to begin?" "Is this all?"... .

But most of all, thinking about my SO. She has been through hell time and time again, since she was a baby. All kinds of abuse, humiliation, betrayal, poverty... .And she was the sweetest most generous person. Until lately. I pray to God that she catches a break. Hasn't she suffered enough? Do her kids need to suffer too? Can something go right for her? She's already been "paying" for 38 years, she tried to kill herself twice, and she has no will to live, she just keeps on for the kids.

Beyond that, I struggle understanding why God would create a disorder like this at all. Or allow it. I know it's not my place to question Him, and there must be a plan. On good days I think I must be a tool in God's work, let myself be that and have faith that I can be good for this family that was in my path. But other days I struggle to believe there is a point.

I believe my GF can do so much good, and spread light and blessings, if she could just catch a break. Instead she gets blow after blow and she's broken again when she's trying to get up from the last fall. Some blows are just in her heat because of this cruel disorder, and others are very real.

She has no faith left. When you're raped as a child, you must wonder "Where was God then?" and it must be very hard to keep your faith.

I'm treated as an enemy sometimes, but I can find compassion for her. I want to believe God is much more compassionate than any of us. How can I make sense of that?.

[Hisaccount]

I understand what you guys are saying and how these things can be discouraging but don't lose your faith.

We are working towards a much more important goal, Eternity.
Can anything we suffer here compare to what is ahead for those that don't believe?

God promised us a lot of things, he never promised us a happy, joy filled life. Look at Christ himself, did he live a lavish happy life? The persecution and torture he suffered, is our lives really so bad compared to what he did for us?

Read Job, that guy there. He deserved none of that.

Look through the years all the stories of slavery and captivity yet never doubting God. Would you trade your life for that?

I went on for years saying God was not hearing me. I prayed every night for him to change me or my wife. All the time I stuck to the promise I made to her before God.
In the end she left and divorced me. I never saw it coming. I was shocked and could not see it then, but it was God's perfect answer. I have no guilt. It was out of my control. There was nothing more I could do.

God is hearing you. As always it is in his time and not ours. In the meantime we need to stay faithful and do our part. We have to be willing to help ourselves too.
God is closest to the hurting and broken hearted. I promise he hears you.

He allows things to happen for different reasons. They are tools.
If I said to you, I can save your life but I have to break your arm, what would you say?
All these things happen for a reason. When the bad things happen to me I just felt like it was God telling me I was not where he wanted me to be so I looked harder at myself.

Through all of the horrible things I suffered I can honestly say my relationship with God has never been stronger and if the abuse is what I had to suffer to grow in faith then I am thankful I went through it.

[Graceinaction]

I'm just going to pop into this conversation to say that God didn't create BPD. He created a wonderful beautiful world. But He gave everyone free will because He wants people to choose to love Him and follow Him. How good would he be if we didn't have the choice to follow Him?
But free will means that humans can choose very bad things. And those bad things have consequences, not necessarily punishment from God.
If our spouses suffered abuse, I guess technically God "allowed" it because he gives us all the ability to make choices. But he didn't allow it so that we become stronger or get a mental illness. I know it breaks His heart. God doesn't allow bad things so we learn a lesson, it's just how the world is. And He can turn bad things into good if we allow it to happen, but there's no guarantee.

The world is a fallen, bad place. God didn't create it that way, we made it that way. But going to back to the OP and step 2 of the 12 steps: I believe that believing in God CAN restore us to sanity. It's not saying God will restore us to sanity, but that our belief in Him will. That power is in your hands, not His.

I hope that helps someone and doesn't sound preachy. It took me years and lots of pain  to understand it.

[Enabler]

Read The Shack or watch the film, as a wavering Christian i found this to encapsulate this question exceptionally well... .especially the point about god allowing bad things to happen and free will.

[Lost-love-mind]

Great topic. Insightful responses. "Hisaccount" is on track with my perception of God.
I found when I stopped treating a "God of my understanding" as a "genie in a bottle" with a wish, and found solace in "faith", things got better. Slowly.
That is the problem that a secular society based on tv and movies that has taught us - immediate results are the norm.
Psychology as a science has taught us people must be willing to change their lives by helping themselves learn of their defects or disorder, and make changes to overcome them.
Organized religion calls it repentance (e.g. change of heart).
The best part of the 12 step programs is the participants are allowed to choose a " God of their own understanding" as long as it is loving and caring.(e.g. not a door knob or wrench).

[Hisaccount]

Thinking about this thread and reflecting on my thoughts as I was going through it I realize it is not quite fair for me to just sit and preach at you without offering anything constructive.
It is easy to say it will get better after it is over.

Sounds like you are seeking help and trying to improve your situation and that is great news, You are recognizing what is going on and you are reaching out to fix it and you. Faith without works is dead. You are doing the work.

One thing that helped me, I listen to contemporary christian music. I know it sounds horrible, but it grows on you and becomes addicting. With so much negativity in our relationships and in the world it is nice to have something so positive, uplifting, and encouraging. It is like your own personal support group available 24/7. The lyrics are amazing, you learn and grow just from listening.
Remember what you take in eventually comes out. So take in good things.

The other thing, Is God first? I thought he was but he wasn't, I had actually put my ex wife first. She demanded that much attention. I lost sight of what was important. I thought God was first but he wasn't. It is not something you throw in their face saying God is more important that you, but it is something in your heart. During an argument, or bad day, do you ever stop and say to yourself, God, what should I say or do here?
I didn't for the longest time. We all want to respond in different ways, but when you can do that, in the worst moments, then you know you are truly putting God first.

I can't say that my faith wavered much during my relationship, I remember more questioning if I had fallen out of favor with God, or if my sins were really forgotten, or if I had lost my salvation and those were the things I spent the most time learning.

To put it into perspective, When we ask for forgiveness from God, he forgives and forgets, our sins are on the ocean floor, as far as the east is from the west.
It is the devil that won't let us forget.
My ex, one day she brought up something I didn't even remember from like 6 years earlier. She would never let you forget anything, So I may often say I was married to a Soul sucking vampire, but actually I was married to the devil.

For the longest time I think my theme song was Worn by tenth avenue north. search it on you tube.

[Tattered Heart]

My faith is everything to me. At the beginning of the year for the first time in 15 years as a Christian I doubted God's existence. I was so angry and hurt that he would not fix my H and my marriage. I begged and cried and prayed and nothing seemed to fixing things or even making things any better. I was hopeless and I felt abandoned by the One who promised to never leave us or forsake us.

And over time I realized that I was the one acting like God owed me something. He owed me nothing. He gave everythign I would ever need--salvation through Jesus's death on the Cross. I began to think about Paul and the thorn in his side. He was tormented by whatever this ailment was, whether physical or spiritual, we don't know. And each time, God said he would not take it from me. "Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)"

And it was then that I realized that I had to allow God to work however he was going to work and even if he never did anything good for me ever again, this is all nothing compared to the glory that awaits me. (Phillipians 3:8) I am in this world but not of it. (John 17:15) And though I may be affected by the storms of this life "This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. (Hebrews 6:19)

My prayers became "Change me! Show me what sins are in my heart that have allowed me to allow my H to treat me this way." And he did. He showed me that I was passive. (2 Tim 1:7) He showed me the generational sin of co-dependency in my family (Deut 5:9). He showed me an unhealthy soul tie that allowed my H to have too much control of my emotions (Proverbs 22:24-25) And he showed me that I was behaving like Ahab, allowing manipulation and hatred and fear to control me (1 Kings and 2 Chron). I began to repent and pray for my own deliverance. Tomorrow I'm meeting with a deliverance ministry to begin looking at how to approach my H BPD with spiritual warfare. "For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. (Eph 6:2).

Ok. Sorry I got a little preachy. I'm super passionate about this because changing my prayers changed my perspective, my hope, and my focus. How could you change your prayers to focus on what is in you instead of what is going on around you?

[Hisaccount]

Paul and the thorn in his side. He was tormented by whatever this ailment was, whether physical or spiritual, we don't know. And each time, God said he would not take it from me. "Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)"

Not to derail the thread anymore but I had that same example in my head. Paul, who walked with Jesus, learned from him, wrote books in the bible. Someone who we would perceive as being better than us, much closer to God, yet he would spend days in prayer asking to have this ailment removed and God said no.
He of course knows now why he was forced to live with it. Maybe his testimony was the only reason, but when I get there I am going to be like, Dude, what is up with that?

Very easy topic to get excited about. Sorry.

[Indiagirl]

Thanks all for engaging in this conversation with me. Tattered Heart I really liked what you said about asking God to show you the sins of your own heart that allowed your H to treat you that way. That's what I tried focusing on in this go-round of therapy. Instead of just wanting to complain about my H and talk about what was wrong with him I wanted to learn what was going on with ME and why I was living my life like this. It was helpful.
And hisaccount I like what you said about putting God first instead of the BPD. I can really see how that would help me spend more time focusing on GOOD and how it would help me be both kinder to my H and kinder to myself. Instead of screaming back at my H (which of course makes things worse) a Godly response, I'm sure, would be to see how much pain he is in and be sympathetic BUT be kind and loving to myself as well and leave the house for a while to take care of myself.
I've been spending days on this topic, thinking and praying and talking to people. I don't want to rush to step 3 without getting Step Two down. If any of you are looking for good self help books on healing YOURSELF I highly recommend Melody Beattie's Codependent No More book, and if you want to dig deeper, get the workbook too. Good stuff! I have read much about codependency becoming an issue with those who live with a BPD just like it is an issue for those living with an addict (some of us are "lucky" enough to be doing both!

[Tattered Heart]

Just wanted to share our book review to the book you mentioned:

Codependent No More

Excellent resource. It's been around for decades and still helps those suffering with codependency.

[Notwendy]

Hi India Girl-

I have found 12 step groups to be very helpful. While the original authors of the AA Blue Book ( the template for 12 step groups) were Christian, these groups are not religious or exclusive to one religion. The groups I have attended have included people of many different religions and atheists as well. The term God of our understanding refers to each person's idea of God.

Although you consider yourself a religious person, you are struggling a bit, but you can still do the second step. Consider how an an atheist would do the second step. People come to the 12 steps with an idea that they can control things- things that are out of out hands. The second step involves us being willing to let go of the control mechanisms and ideas that do not work, and to recognize that there are forces, or a higher wisdom in the universe that is more in control than we are. Atheists I have known have considered this force as nature, or the Universe, while religious people call it God. You can believe that the process of letting go of your familiar way of behaviors and thinking can restore you to sanity. Prayer is good if you want to do that too. But all you have to admit right now is that the way you are running things isn't working and are willing to give this program a try, that something higher than yourself is in charge of the world and the people in it.

I also like the statement about putting God ( or your higher power ) first, in the case of the 12 steps, people seem to make their partners, or alcohol, or any number of addictions their main focus and in this case their higher power- which is idolatry. Also the pw BPD has his or her higher power who is looking out for them. If we believe that, then we don't have to try to change them. If we put our higher power first, we take the focus off our partner's issues and on to the things we can work on with ourselves. I aHlso like the idea that God is not a genie in a bottle. God's plans and time line are different from ours. If you are angry at God, the 12 steps is a good way to work on anger and resentment. The 12 steps takes time. Change isn't instant, but may people have felt that it has led to their emotional growth.

You are wise to not rush through the steps. Take your time with each one. It's one step at a time.