Not Sure 3...

[MaroonLiquid]

My uBPDexW went a couple of weeks with no contact since my last update.  After several weeks, my grandmother passed away.  I texted her to let her know as she has known my grandmother for about 15 years.  I didn’t do it to start communicating but rather I felt it was the right thing to do because she loved my grandmother.  We started communicating after that and when I got back into town a week ago Saturday, she invited me over as she said she wanted to make sure I was ok.  I went over and we talked for several hours and we ended up having sex.  I left and went home afterwards.  I didn’t see her for a couple of days even though we were texting.  When I saw her again, we were affectionate.  We saw each other twice llast week and pretty much the same thing.  Two days ago I got One of those feelings that said, “She may be seeing someone.”  I’ve never had that feeling before with her but this time it felt different.  I also noticed she was a little different with her phone than normal, but nothing too out of the ordinary.  She even told me about a “block party” on her street this past weekend where a neighbor who is married (whose wife leaves town for business a lot including the next week or so) invited her and the family to join him and his family to a festival.  She agreed to go, but thought it was really strange to bring up as well as actually agreeing to go.  I was floored and didn’t know what to say, and this crap came out of my mouth.  I told her that sounded like fun as I’ve never actually been to that particular event.  Sounds a lot like there was some conscience easing going on on with her maybe?  That brings me to today... .

I go over there earlier today and we are talking and holding hands and kissed.  She went to the kitchen and came and sat down and said, “I want to talk to you about something.”  I said, “Ok”.  She told me that she was interested in someone and wanted to be honest with me.  I wasn’t stunned, but sort of looked away and didn’t know what to say.  I looked at her and said, “OK.  We’re divorced so you don’t need my permission to see them, but I appreciate you telling me.”  She gave me a funny look and I said, “I hope that person makes you happy.”  She responded, “Cmon ML, lets not BS each other, you aren’t happy about this and I know this isn’t what you want.”  I said, “No, it’s not what I prefer, but I’m not an a$$.”  I think it caught her off guard that I didn’t grovel or something and she looked down and said, “Ok, but I want to still be friends.”  I looked at her and asked her, “How do you expect that to happen?  I can’t be friends with someone who I have loving feelings for while they are seeing and possibly sleeping with someone else.  I can’t. I’m going to take a huge step back.”  She said she understood that. I asked her who it was (even threw the guy down the street in there) and she said it wasn’t important but asked why I had thought that.  I told her I didn’t care who it was and she finally said it was someone she knew before her first husband.  After a few more minutes, I told her, “I guess this is it.  I got up and walked toward the door.  She followed me outside and she looked at me and said, “I still and always will love you and want what’s best for you.  I want you to have everything you are working so hard for.”  I said, “I love you too... .I always will.”  Then I said something stupid out of fear that I regretted afterwards.  I said, “If it doesn’t work out with this guy, call me.”  We hugged, kissed and I then left.  I’m not really sure how I feel about any of this honestly.  It seemed pretty healthy but my mom told me she thinks it was some kind of ploy.  She has been right almost all the time with guessing motives behind her behavior and how she acts.  Not sure what to think.  Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Sorry it didn't work. It sounds like a really healthy end to things. I can imagine how hard it is to let her go. But you found your own values and that doesn't include allowing you to be a second boyfriend. Maybe if she comes back, she will see that you have found a new strength for yourself and will know that you won't allow yourself to be treated in a way that is disrespectful toward you value of fidelity.

[Mutt]

Hi MaroonLiquid,



In all fairness, I think that you did the best that you could do, she surprised you. You never know, this r/s may not work out, if it were me, I'd make myself less available, don't respond to texts and calls right away etc... .

What are your plans? Have you been dating?

[MaroonLiquid]

Thanks TH!  I won’t be anybody’s crutch... .Ever.  I’m really not sure her having someone else is even real due to all the ways she has lied to me.  I wouldn’t put it past her, but wouldn’t be surprised if it’s real either.  It could have been another effort to try and trigger me as she hasn’t been able to in a long while.  It’s weird that just last week she told me she loved me and we were having sex.  She also wanted to attend my kids events again.  But whatever.  You can’t really do that and starting a r/s with someone else, huh?     I’m making sure that I stick to this boundary as I need to show strength.  Not for her but mainly for myself.  The truth will come out eventually. 

Hey Mutt!  I am going to make myself way less available.  My plans mostly center around my children as I coach on my oldest daughters 16U travel softball team, my sons 10U baseball team and assistant with my middle daughters 14U travel softball team. I love to coach (what I’m going to school for) and keeps my mind off of my crap.  I have not been dating as I’ve been seeing my uBPDexW since our divorce for the last two years.  Not really sure where to even start with dating. 

[MaroonLiquid]

I think there may be a good possibility that my uBPDexWife telling me that she is interested in someone else was a lie.  Now, it doesn’t change the anything regarding what I told her regarding “taking a huge step back” (making that clear) as long as someone else is in the picture, but this is odd.  Knowing my ex as well as I do, over the past year and a half, her cycles of reengagement have been the same.  This will be a bit long, but trying to provide some evidence for something so bare with me.  Here it is... .

When she gives me the silent treatment, we go for two to three weeks without contact.  When she is ready to communicate, she will text something that is triggering for me (or so she thinks) to put me on the defensive.  I have learned to not react in any way to them and then she will follow that up with something that is “nice” that is more conducive to getting a response from me.  For example, she texted me a picture of a bill one time that she said I owed a part of and when I didn’t respond, she followed that up about an hour later saying she was having an issue with our computer.  

After that initial reengagmement, we see each other for several weeks pretty heavy and then she “gut punches me” so to speak to get me to back off like kicking me out.  This time of reengagement up to last week was a bit different.  I didn’t communicate as much and didn’t see her every day either (every two days or so).  As I said earlier in this thread, we had sex, watched a game together the next day, held hands, kissed and she told me she loved me.  I didn’t see her for two days as we both had plans, but the next time I did, we were talking and having fun, holding hands, kissing and then she “gut punched me” with being “interested in someone else”.  This is where it gets interesting.  I think she expected a completely different reaction out of me than she got and has now possibly backed herself into a corner.  I told her I hoped that new r/s worked out for her when I think she was expecting me to grovel and accept whatever crumbs she would give me.  I didn’t and I’m not sure she can stand it.  I did text her the next day (Wednesday) asking for a medication I left there and went and picked it up.  I kept it strictly business with no hug, kiss or any feeling whatsoever.  I did send her a video the next day of my son at his baseball game and she responded to that but again, strictly business and no feeling.  I haven’t spoken to her since.  I was at my daughters softball tournament today and looked at my Snapchat story and noticed she looked at it for the first time in over a week.  This evening our favorite college team was playing Alabama and we have always watched them together even after our marriage (as long as I wasn’t getting the ST).  Anyway, I think she was ruminating about me, fantasizing or whatever because she texted me about picking up some things I still have at her place (this has always been triggering for me in the past and I wouldn’t respond because she was trying to start a fight by being nasty about it and a part of me didn’t want to deal with what that could possibly mean). I responded this time (45 minutes after she texted) that I could get some of it due to having a small car and would get the rest when I got a storage space.  I didn’t go into detail about where I was, but just kept it business.  Im not sure she can stand that I’m actually sticking to this boundary by not speaking to her and stepping back.  I’m proud of myself for this.  Now, I still understand that there may be someone else and that’s ok, but this could be a bluff and it is backfiring for her.  Thoughts?

[Fian]

Whether it is a bluff or not, her actions might be the same.  We all want what we can't have.  Now that you are pulling back, she wants you.  Even if she was in a relationship, she might still want you as well.  It is also possible that the other relationship isn't going well.