Hi Swimjim,
Giving you some feedback but in reverse order. Hope some of this is helpful to you.
Nowadays I wonder if marriage is enough for her. Or will there always be something else she wants such as new car, new kitchen , new dog etc. Will there always be an empty hole that could never be filled.
In my observation, people with BPD (pwBPD) get married/have children as a way to antidote the fear that they will be abandoned. The thought process is: person X won't be someone who would abandon me if they are willing to have a child with me, or get married to me. The problem is even after having kids/getting married, they still have their disordered fear of abandonment to deal with.
And this disordered fear is part of the "empty hole" they keep trying to fill. If person X continues to buy things for me, or in one way or another shows me that he/she won't abandon me, then I'll stop be afraid that they will leave me. She keeps finding "proof" that she won't be abandoned. But the "proof" is never enough. The source of her fear is within her, and cannot be sated by the actions of person X.
This brings me back to my original question. Will there be h$'ll to pay for the husband if he does not give her what she wants. The honeymoon phase should be over. Now the real work in a marriage begins especially with bankruptcy involved. I know I should get to the point of indifference. I'm working on that.
If her husband gives her what she wants (at the time) all he does is defer the "h$ll" for another time. At some point even if he does give her what she claims she wants, she will still give him h$ll. She will always devalue those close to her because she her disorder causes her to believe that she will be abandoned by those close to her.
What hurts the most is that the love bombing was all manipulative.
Try not to take the "love bombing" personally. It is just another aspect of the disorder. The flip side of devaluation (aka idealization). Everyone that has this disorder (unrecovered) will certainly devalue the very same people they idealize.
When I tried to get her back, she called the police and filed a restraining order that was thrown out in court. I was never threatening to her. She never told me to leave her alone or there would be consequences.
Just devalued you.
She always told me that I was perfect for her and she loved me like no other bla blah bla.
But before she devalued you, she idealized you.
Now , in hindsight, it all spears she was looking for financial security. But she never shared with me that she had financial problems. In fact, appearances showed she was well off driving a luxury car and getting great implants among other things. I feel like a fool. I own my business. I guess she just saw me as an opportunity to get out of her financial mess. It is a very humbling experience. She never loved me.
There are plenty of pwBPD that ruin their financial lives following the impulses of their disorder. The devaluation might come later rather than sooner but it does come and how it express may be in ways that are completely invisible to you because you are no longer in her life.
You don't need to see her life in shambles in order to get validation that you are right about her being disorder. I believe you. Don't take it personally. You will get through this. Just walk away.
If I would have known that my ex was a BPD while I was dating her, I might have treated her differently.
It doesn't matter how you treat them. They will still go through the motions of their disorder. If you tried to demonstrate more that you would not abandon her, that would only cause her to believe that you would on those occasions where you could not be glued to her hip.
I am not stating that I would have always given her everything that she wanted, thus, becoming a doormat. I would have strengthened my own boundaries thinking that maybe she would have respected me more.
I don't think respect has anything to do with any of her behaviors.
I would have stood up to her more frequently but in a civil manner. However, would I have avoided being painted black?
No. I don't believe you could have avoided being devalued. Not so long as she has this disorder.
Can he be better suited for her than I am? Does anybody else wonder about this?
He could be better suited for her. He could have a complementary disorder himself. Some pwBPD can end up being married and widowed to other people. For example, I think borderlines can have relatively stable relationships with narcissists. I wouldn't want that kind of relationship for myself in a million years, not for a million dollars, but that's just me.
Best wishes,
Schwing
