2 months of NC and then this...

[Tomacini]

Well, after 2 months of NC I'm doing pretty ok or so I thought.

This morning I found a bag at my backdoor which she must have put there and which contained some clothing items (an old t shirt and a pair of cheap running trousers along with medication i used to take)

This completely threw me off balance and right back into questioning mode: why make an effort to return these useless items. This is strange especially when there are still some expensive clothes from me at her place (which I wanted to get back through her parents)

It probably means nothing but some part of me tells me this is a childish way to make me reach out to her? A month into NC she suddenly deblocks me on messenger and now this. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but maybe I'm not. That's why any input is appreciated.

[Elmurr]

It seems like a game. And you're right, she wants you to reach out to her. The test is simple, is he still interested, and do I still have control over him?

I don't know anything about your relationship, but if it was bad, then just be grateful for the return of the items, and remain no contact. Don't reach out to her. If she isn't mature enough to contact you in a grown up way then I'd walk away. It says a lot about her.

[once removed]

it is pretty uncommon for someone to return your belongings as a means to get you to contact them.

unblocking, returning belongings, these are things that we do when emotions are returning to baseline and we are moving on.

when youre thrown off balance and in questioning mode, its a good idea to work to get centered and into Wisemind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind)

what do you want to do? do you want your other belongings back or no?

[Tomacini]

Yes, I understand OnceRemoved but then why not hand them over in person?

You also have to make a conscious effort to do the act of deblocking and also to come around my house to put the items there

[once removed]

Yes, I understand OnceRemoved but then why not hand them over in person?

you clearly communicated to her previously that you do not want any contact.

[Tomacini]

Yes the previous times we broke up, I requested that. But not the final time. It was left much more in the open.
Emotions returning to baseline in such a short amount of time? I guess thats normal with people with BPD traits

Anyway I'm probably reading too much into this

[once removed]

in reading your posts the last thing you shared was that she wanted to be friends, and you told her you did not want to have any contact. has anything changed?

either way, if it was left in the open, then unblocking you and returning your belongings after two months is normal - doesnt have much to do with BPD traits.

Anyway I'm probably reading too much into this

i understand. from here, i just see a person (her) without a beef, respecting your wishes and returning your belongings. i would send a short thanks, and if there are other belongings you want to get ahold of, i would pursue that.

[donkey2016]

Hi

Isn't that typical BPD behaviour that it has to be either or? If you say you want to have some things back then you'll get something useless not what you wanted (your expensive clothes). If you complain about it to her - then she would probably tell you that you wanted to have your things back and what she's doing and if you don't want your things then she'll throw out your expensive clothing. Yes, it's a game. Thank her and ask her if you could get the other stuff as well through her parents.
Donkey2016

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are experiencing this after 2 months of peace.

My ex used to do this too. He once gave me the silent treatment and then showed up out of the blue with an old asthma inhaler of mine. He claimed he thought I might need it.  what a joke. I always have multiples let alone an almost used up expired one.

He did it to test the waters and see if I would still be a safe place to see soothing.  He would either claim he needed some mundane thing he left here or that he had something of mine. At the psychologists urging I finally had to set a date and tell him to take anything he wanted but that he would not be permitted back after that day. I also made it clear I wanted nothing he still had of mine.

Its sad but I have learned to ignore it. It still happens occasionally. He will put my address on something so that it arrives here. The last thing was a work related ID card. I assure you after 3 years of being gone there is no way it was a mistake. He gets a new one annually and none had come here for more than 3 years so he had to actually change the address with them. So sad.

I highly suggest ignoring anything of that nature. Its like a toe in the pool. Just give yourself a pat on the back and keep on going.

[g2outfitter]

it is pretty uncommon for someone to return your belongings as a means to get you to contact them.

unblocking, returning belongings, these are things that we do when emotions are returning to baseline and we are moving on.

We are all allowed to have our own opinions but I don't agree with this. Considering the items were basically of no value I definitely see this as a fishing expedition. The exact same thing happened to me with my exBPDgf to which she later admitted was her way of trying to open communication... .without seeming as though she initiated the attempt.

[once removed]

fishing expedition
phrase of fishing
1.
a search or investigation undertaken with the hope, though not the stated purpose, of discovering information.

i dont know what information one would hope to gain by returning some clothes

tomacinis ex has been upfront about wanting to communicate and to be friends. is she hoping that by returning his belongings, that tomacini will contact her? its possible. is that something sinister, or does she have ulterior motives? i dont see it.

i had some awkward forms of contact, too. twice my ex sent a facebook friend request only to take it back within a few hours.

this kind of thing is awkward but harmless, if we treat it that way. its when we let it throw us off balance and into questioning mode and see these things (returning belongings after a breakup) as a threat (fight or flight) that we can be misguided.

tomacini can send a simple thanks that doesnt open any doors, if thats what hed prefer. if she tries to take it beyond that, she will be talking to herself.

or tomacini has his tshirt and trousers back, no more, no less.

[Duped 1]

I would say she is definitely trying to get a reaction from you.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Tomacini,

The question I'd be asking is what do you want to do?  Are you considering reaching out or not?  This is more telling than what her reasons are and far more useful to you regards where you are in fully detaching.  If you were to contact her, what would you want to say?  If you don't want to contact her, no harm done.

Love and light x

[Tomacini]

Thank you all very much for your responses

I was caught off guard and it threw me off balance when I saw it but I must say I quickly recovered.

I am ceratinly not going to reach out to her but she has made it very easy now to ask for my other stuff back through her parents. I thought that by asking her parents, I would give her a signal that I'm not ready to talk to her, which is of course ok. But she obviously also can't talk to me.

I even think it was not her at all that put the stuff at my backdoor. Knowing her, she would be terrified of running into me and not knowing what to say. So my guess is her dad put it there. Which in turn makes it easy to ask for my stuff back through her dad.

[Tomacini]

Well as I kinda expected she sent me a text today:

How are you? I put some of your stuff at your backdoor, I thought you would want them back. I hope you found them.

I replied politely, I'm doing good thank you blabla en think this and this is also at your house.

She denied that those things were at her house but I insisted she would check this. She agreed to do this and would let me know if she found them. I'm 100% sure it's at her house and I cannot imagine she would lie or just keep these things.

Any input?

[Harley Quinn]

If these articles create a link that you don't want and a way for her to drag things out or contact you when you'd prefer she didn't then consider letting the items go.  As long as you can live without them, it could be worth cutting your losses for your own peace of mind.  It really is your choice and depends entirely on how you are feeling.  People are triggered emotionally by their ex to varying degrees in relation to what stage of detaching they have reached.  I'm able to bump into my ex and exchange brief polite pleasantries then walk away without feeling anything now.  At first, just to hear his voice on a message would have had me in bits.  So how are you feeling about having conversation with her?

Love and light x     

[Tomacini]

I People are triggered emotionally by their ex to varying degrees in relation to what stage of detaching they have reached. 

Could you explain a bit more what connection this has to my situation?

Of course i can live without those items but they were brand new like in never worn. Furthermore what kind of a person are you if you wont give stuff back?

[Tomacini]

Ok she wrote me a text that she didn't find anything. I know for sure she has these things.

Its a control thing I guess

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Tomacini,

I'm saying that if you feel emotionally overwhelmed at the prospect of keeping up a dialogue with her then it would make sense to guard yourself at present with maintaining NC and letting the things go.  If you feel fine about talking to her or her family about your belongings and keeping that connection with her then go ahead.  It's entirely your choice.  But be honest with yourself about what you're not letting go of at the same time.  Is it the belongings or deep down is it a reason to maintain that link?  That's not a judgement, just something to think about.  We've all been there.  You know best.  Which is why I asked how you felt. 

Love and light x   

[Tomacini]

Thank you for the replies.
She texted me that she found my stuff and if she could bring them over.

Maybe it's not a good idea but I agreed. We'll see what happens