Social Media and my relationship

[EmpatheticWife2B]

Hi
I'm in a relationship now for over a year with my uBPDbf. We are both in our early 50s.
Being on this board has been a priceless resource for me in finding ways to deal with his condition.
Our relationship has much improved since I've learned some of the coping strategies shared here.

A topic I haven't seen discussed much on this board is how BPDs handle social media. Has anyone had experiences where the most innocent activity on facebook, instagram, or some other SM platform has led their loved one with BPD to become dysregulated? I can say easily 50%+ of our arguments have been over his complete misunderstanding/distortion of activity on my social media accounts.

My uBPDbf has very few relationships; his friend count on facebook is about 40.
I, however, have about 350+ friends on facebook, which is something he struggles to understand.
I've explained to him that obviously I don't have close friendships with all of these people. Many are old friends and acquaintances dating back to elementary school, middle school, high school, undergrad and grad school. Others are friends I made at various placec of employment over the years. Others are people I've just met here and there. A few are people I've actually only ever met once. But my uBPDbf is hellbent on the idea that each and every MALE facebook friend has some kind of a sordid history with me (or wants to "get with" me.) There are no issues with any of the female connections I have, it's only the male ones.  I have assured him that NONE of these men are ex's (and that is the truth). But the unreasonable jealousy has been the cause of much dysregulation.

- Why did he LIKE your post?
- Why did you LIKE his post?
- What does he mean by "such and such" comment?
- How do you know this one? How do you know the other one?
- How long ago did you become facebook friends with this one?
- Why is he in this picture with you?


There have been times when it's gotten as bad as:
- What did he mean when he replied to you [fill in the blank] on your post in April 2012?
(April 2012? WOW so he's been scrolling down my wall for miles to find something that far back? And he expects me to actually recall something from so very long ago?)

He actually stopped talking to me for 3 whole days when a male friend on facebook wrote an encouraging comment on my post about jogging for my health. I posted a "sweatie selfie" of me after a run, and posted by running stats. The comment was from a boy I hadn't seen since 6th grade (1978!). He wrote "You look amazing, keep up the good work!" My uBPDbf stopped talking to me for three days as a result of this one comment, despite the fact that two other female friends posted comments saying pretty much the same thing. To please him, I deleted the friendship. It meant nothing to me to do so, I hadn't seen the guy since were 12, it just wasn't important enough to defend keeping that guy on facebook if it made my uBPDbf so upset that he should become so dysregulated.

I was just wondering in this world of social media and all kinds of ways to maintain relationships digitally, how folks have coped with these kinds of unreasonable reactions and beliefs about social media contacts that might be held by some people with BPD. Any advice on how to handle this? I can't just keep deleting people because he's decided the thumbs up, LIKE button, or perfectly innocuous comment sets him off.

It actually has caused me to close my facebook account twice, just to be able to keep the peace. But of course, he keeps his open, thus the inequity in all this is a needle in my side. He can have his facebook friendships (with both women and men, no problem!)

Just venting, but wondering if there are others who have had this difficulty.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CMJ]

Hi EmpatheticWife2B

This is a topic I've been giving some thought to recently while observing how my pwBPD acts on social media. I'm in a slightly different boat however, my friend never questions anything regarding my posts or anyone who comments on them. Instead she often wrongly assumes something I've posted is about her, gets angry and blocks me everywhere as a result. Could understand it if I was being passive aggressive but all I'm doing is sharing articles or quotes, anyway that's not the part I wanted to chip in with.

I've been wondering if social media is a source of validation, and on the flip side, invalidation too. I post quite heavily on Instagram and it feels good to get likes, but my sense of self worth isn't tied to those likes, as a keen photographer I'm just glad that people like the photo I took. Something I've noticed about my friend is that it's ok for her posts to not get many likes as long as it isn't directly about her. If she posts a selfie and gets no likes it, it gets deleted pretty sharpish.

Lots of likes = these people like me, I'm great etc etc. No likes = no-one likes me, I'm wrong etc etc.

Of course this is pure speculation on my part, but it's an interesting topic.

[Tired_Dad]

EmpatheticWife,

You are the first person that I have seen on here post such a similar situation to what I am experiencing with my wife over Facebook. (I can't speak much to other social media platforms as I only use Facebook, LinkedIn and RallyPoint and I would not tolerate any shenanigans on a professional site)

My spouse is always asking me "Who is ... .", "why is she liking your post?", "why am I getting a friend SUGGESTION for this woman?" and it goes on.

The sense of threat that she feels from FaceBook makes me wonder about her actions and if she is merely projecting her guilt onto me.

[Stillholdinghope]

I relate to this a lot. My husband blocked me on social media during our last big blow up and it has been the best thing ever because he no longer obsesses over my innocent activity that he assumes is the worst.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

"Me think the lady doth protest too much". The things he's worried about you doing are the things he can conceive of him doing himself or he wouldn't be so worried about them. If you can't conceive of the concept, it's not in your nature. It doesn't necessarily mean he'd cheat on you but it does seem concerning.

The questions he asks you are the same type of interrogation my ex would put me through. I found out before we divorced that he had an active dating profile on at least one dating site during our marriage. He also had approached a mutual friend about having an affair with her. He said he was only "joking". She felt he wasn't joking.

If you trust the person you're with, you wouldn't care if someone else hit on them or wanted to be with them. If he can't trust you, you can't trust him. If he were secure in himself and your relationship, none of this would be an issue.

It is NOT your job to make him feel secure in himself and your relationship. It's not your job to jump through hoops to prove you're faithful.

[/quote]The sense of threat that she feels from FaceBook makes me wonder about her actions and if she is merely projecting her guilt onto me[/quote]

I wholeheartedly agree! I feel this way about my ex.

[Tired_Dad]

It is NOT your job to make him feel secure in himself and your relationship. It's not your job to jump through hoops to prove you're faithful.

Learning this was one of the most valuable lessons ever. I still defend myself at times as that is human nature, but I do not jump through hoops to "prove my loyalty". If she hasn't trusted me in the past, and doesn't trust me now, no matter how dramatic the loyalty display is it will not bring trust.

Last night my wife admitted to going through my phone and was irate that I "waved back" at someone on messenger. If she would have looked deeper there were messages between her family, my family and my friends that would have sent her off the "you're all out to get me deep end" but she focused on the one message in messenger that only has a wave in it.

To me this has the emotional content of nodding my head at a stranger, to her it's someone trying to sleep with me.

There is no winning in these arguments with them. there is only recognizing their fear and then trying to end the current conflict without compromising yourself.

[EmpatheticWife2B]

I've been wondering if social media is a source of validation, and on the flip side, invalidation too. I post quite heavily on Instagram and it feels good to get likes, but my sense of self worth isn't tied to those likes... .

Lots of likes = these people like me, I'm great etc etc. No likes = no-one likes me, I'm wrong etc etc.

WOW this is a really interesting perspective. There have been times where he's been mad at me because I didn't "like" his post, when in reality I just never saw it. With 350+ friends I might have to scroll for miles before I'd see anything he posted in my stream, so now I make it a habit of remembering to visit his wall directly in order to "like" his stuff. I thought at first it was such petty nonsense but perhaps he's looking for validation through social media interaction. I would have thought this would only apply to teens but when you have BPD... .

So to add to what @CMJ wrote,

Lots of likes = these people like me, I'm great etc etc.
No likes = no-one likes me, I'm wrong etc etc.
My girlfriend liking someone else's post = she likes that person better than me
Someone liking my girlfriend's post = someone is trying "get with her"
My girlfirend is getting more likes than me = people like her better than they like me

On and on and on!

This is very eye-opening and very well may explain why he becomes to easily dysregulated after visiting my facebook page (which he does several times a day).  I thought he was trolling my account just looking for a reason to "pick a fight" but looking through this new lens it's making more sense now.

As it happens, we had another facebook related episode just a few hours ago.
I'm at home after foot surgery and folks have been sending flowers, balloons and candy.
I've posted pictures of this as my way of saying thank you to those who sent get well cards and gifts.
One facebook friend (male) commented "You're foots gonna have to heal soon because the [name of town] christmas party is on Dec 2 - get your dancing shoes on!". This comment sent my uBPDbf spinning off the planet.

I'm learning to cope with these episodes by not taking them so personally. I know it's not about me but about the BPD, the lack of self worth. So looking at today's episode through this new lens, I can see it as possibly this: "her male friend mentioned the xmas party and dancing = he's disrespecting me in front of 350+ people on facebook by coming on to my woman and inviting to her a party right in front of my face... ."

No wonder he's spiraled out of control and is still not talking to me, and probably won't for days.

[I_Am_The_Fire]

I would take your friend's comment about dancing at face value. If a female friend made the same comment, it'd have the same meaning. It's a friendly comment, nothing more.  What your BF sees or interprets is his problem, not yours. If some guy friend simply said hi to you, I'm pretty sure your BF would probably see it as flirting and refuse to speak to you and/or go ballistic. That's how my ex was. 

Regardless if your friend actually was flirting with you, it's still not your problem. Your BF is not entitled to blame you or be mad at you for something your friend said to you. If he has a problem with your friend, he can talk to your friend about it. His insecurity is not your problem to fix.

[isilme]

pwBPD like to isolate you.  My parents did this as children (both BPD), and H has done this to some extent in our life together.  This means isolating you from friends, family, and co-workers.  Social media is a BIG concern because you can talk to people all the time and they may not even be aware of it. 

If you are isolated from friends, family, and making new friends, you are "safe" and won't leave them because you have nowhere and no one to go to.  There is no one to take away from your time witg your pwBPD (they may not be in a place where they want to spend time with you, either, but that's beside the pojnt)

If you are isolated, then you have no one to talk to about their outbursts that on SOME level, they register as something to hide.  They may not accept that the outbursts are wrong, but they don't want people to know they do it. 

So, yeah, they freak out about the idea that you have friends they don't know about and can't control.  They worry you are saying bad thing about them, or even just things they want to keep hidden within the relationship.