Intro - sibling of someone with suspected BPD

[Leftie22]

Hi everyone! I've been looking for a non-judgmental place to talk about some of the issues that come up when we have a relative with BPD. I also want to learn more about what BPD looks like in daily life, because my sibling doesn't have an official diagnosis. (And refuses any kind of medical help or counselling).

I guess I mostly want to vent because so much of what my sibling (sister) does is contradictory or self-sabotaging, and it's hard to witness it over and over without being able to say anything. I feel like she has me and my parents held hostage, because if we question anything, no matter how small, about her life, she will just leave town, cut off communication completely and then we won't hear from her until she's really in trouble. (In an unsafe relationship, in debt, nowhere to stay, etc.) It's exhausting.

On the other hand, I love her, I understand that she didn't choose to have BPD and I want to be supportive.

Right now, I feel a frustrated and bitter because after running away with someone she just met, ending up stranded in a town far away with no money, huge debt and not talking to or seeing my parents for two years, she ended up living with me and my husband and kids for 4 months, saying she just needed our help to get back on her feet and get a job and apartment. In those 4 months, she not only didn't look for work or a place to live, she barely even left our basement. She refused to drive, and I ended up taking care of her as if she was another one of my kids. (Cooking for her, driving her around, etc.) Even though she never left our house, she also didn't come upstairs, so she didn't help me at all with my two young kids, just sat downstairs watching TV all day. After four months of this, we told her we needed our space back. We would have given her time to find something, but she wouldn't even talk about it, didn't tell us when or where she was going until basically the day of. We found out she was moving into a hotel. From there, she ended up with nowhere to go and no more credit available on her card, so she moved in with my parents. After not speaking to them for two years.

Now she's been with my parents for a year, and hasn't applied for any jobs, isn't looking for her own place, and doesn't ever leave their house. My mom does all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. and my sister stays in her room, seriously all day and night. What really drives me crazy is that we're all too terrified of what she'll do to say anything or try to help, or set healthy boundaries for ourselves. That's the hardest part for me. She complains constantly about her situation and my parents, when they're giving her free shelter, paid off her debt, and are prepared to do this basically forever. She has zero responsibilities and if questioned will get super angry and say that she's going to move out. (Which we all know would lead to more debt, unsafe relationships, unsafe housing, etc.)

So I guess my question is - how do we stop being hostages? I feel so sorry for my parents that this is what their retirement looks like - living with an adult child who resents them while she accepts money and free housing, and who threatens them if they try to suggest any kind of help or change. (Another example is that after she left my house, she left all her stuff in my garage. After holding it for a year and my husband not being able to park in the garage, I finally was brave enough to ask her to do something with it. Her response was to tell my parents she was moving out. She didn't, thankfully, and they ended up taking some of her stuff and buying us another shelving unit to re-organize the stuff that's here so we could at least park in the garage.) It's so hard not to be bitter.

Thanks for reading this, if you got to the end of it - I think I just need to vent to people who understand and hopefully won't blame me for being frustrated, despite knowing I'm dealing with someone with a mental illness.

[Panda39]

Hi Leftie22,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I’m sorry to hear that your family is struggling with your sister, you are not alone everyone on this site has someone with BPD or BPD Traits.  If you want to see what BPD looks like in the real world read the posts on these boards.  If you are like me when I first arrived you will be very surprised at how similar our stories can be.

How did you discover BPD?  I was trying to figure out my Significant Other's (SO's) ex-wife and Googled "Chronic Lying" and bingo there it was BPD and the shoe fit.  She has been diagnosed with Bipolar but in my (not at all) professional opinion BPD is the better fit.

For me when I first discovered BPD the first thing I did was go to the library and read about it.

These are a couple of books I particularly liked in case you're looking for more info... .

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger

I also wanted to share some information with you about FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail because it sounds like you have that going on with your sister.
 
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

It sounds like you are trying to balance supporting your sister without enabling her, below is another thread you might want to check out relating to that.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95263.0

I've got to run but know other members will be along soon to add their welcome to mine.  I'm glad you've joined us and will be interested to hear what you think once you've had time to check out the boards and some of the material I linked you to.

Hang in there you are not alone 
Panda39

[Leftie22]

Thank you, Panda39! Your comments are really insightful and help a lot!

I do think I act a lot out of FOG. I can see my sister's behaviours in the descriptions of "self-punishers" and "sufferers". She seems to only see the negative things in her life. Even though she doesn't have to do anything to support herself financially or even doing daily tasks like making meals, she does nothing but complain (very much like the sufferer) and then everyone gets drawn into giving her whatever she wants, to try to make her happy. Which it never does. I find myself doing everything if I want to see her. She won't drive even 10 minutes to see me, I always have to pick her up, even if it means packing up my two toddlers, as if it's always somehow easier for me to do everything - which of course it isn't! And whenever she needs something, she always magically has the energy to go get it. It's really frustrating.

Your comments about support vs. enabling are very pertinent too. I'll read more about that. I got to a point where I told myself that if I wanted to have any kind of relationship with my sister, I had to just accept her as she is. But when I always have to do the work, accommodate all her rules and never ask for anything, it does feel more like enabling than supporting. I think my parents are also trapped in enabling. The problem is that for us to let her feel the consequences of her behavior, we know we'd have to witness such scary and dangerous behavior that none of us are willing to go through that again! And my parents can't financially afford to pay her bills. So to stop enabling her, we'd have to be willing to see her live on the street or potentially be injured or killed. It's awful. The year she left town, the way she was living made me terrified for her physical safety. (She was in a scary, low-cost hotel where a lot of people thought she was a prostitute.) She is willing to get to a very low, scary state - I guess because she feels like someone else SHOULD be saving her, and takes no responsibility for keeping herself out of that situation.

I'm also curious how many people with BPD are able to get and keep jobs? Because some of the enabling comes from not knowing if my sister could genuinely work or not. She's been out of the work force for nearly 7 years.

Anyway, I  hope to find at least some peace and set a few boundaries. (Getting her stuff out of my house was a big step for me, and I was terrified of the consequences I would face, and how upset my parents might be at me if it caused my sister to move.) It's just so awful never to be at ease with family. Your response means a lot to me! Thank you.

[AMJT]

I really feel for you and feel like I could have written a lot of what you did. I am 39 years old and have a 36 year old sister with BPD. Looking back I can see that she's been this way since elementary school. She thinks she is the nicest person alive and can't fathom why we are all terrified of her. She has been living with my parents on and off for 15 years. Finally a year ago I had to stop speaking with her. All she wanted to do was complain about my parents who were supporting her! No gratitude! She would go on and on about all her problems and could never see how any of it was her fault. She recently got a job and it only lasted one day because "the chair hurt my back." And of course she finds a way to make that my mom's fault. The sad thing is she has a 15 year old daughter who is so messed up from living with a crazy mom. It hasn't been until the last month that the rest of my family has seen her for who she really is. My parents stopped giving her money and she has lost it! She is suicidal, begging anyone and everyone for money, making false police reports about family. It's so scary. But honestly I don't know what we can do for her since she thinks it's everyone else who is the problem. The delusions and paranoia she has are just beyond my comprehension. I have spent the last year grieiving the sister I always wanted but will never have. I don't have any answers for you, but wanted you to know you are not alone!

[Leftie22]

Wow, AMJT, we definitely have a lot in common! Same ages and everything! Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry that it's turned so scary with your sister after your parents set some boundaries. I can understand that fear and control. I also totally get what you mean about grieving the sister you will never have. I'm so sorry that you feel that way, but thank you for posting about it. It helps a lot to know that others are on a similar journey.

My sister and I fought a few years ago when I confronted her about how she talked about my parents, and she chose not to talk to me for a long time. Now, I think she knows I won't have it, so she doesn't say much directly, but she's constantly rolling her eyes when my mom is talking, and still complains about her life as if she were working on a chain gang digging ditches every day or something, instead of sitting in a comfortable house having meals made for her.

Anyway, I could go on and on, but if you ever want to talk or vent to someone who gets it, I'd be happy to listen! Feel free to send me a message. Thanks again.

[Panda39]

I do think I act a lot out of FOG. I can see my sister's behaviours in the descriptions of "self-punishers" and "sufferers". She seems to only see the negative things in her life. Even though she doesn't have to do anything to support herself financially or even doing daily tasks like making meals, she does nothing but complain (very much like the sufferer) and then everyone gets drawn into giving her whatever she wants, to try to make her happy. Which it never does. I find myself doing everything if I want to see her. She won't drive even 10 minutes to see me, I always have to pick her up, even if it means packing up my two toddlers, as if it's always somehow easier for me to do everything - which of course it isn't! And whenever she needs something, she always magically has the energy to go get it. It's really frustrating.

Unfortunately, people with BPD often take on the role of victim and we then take on the role of rescuer... .or in your case chauffeur... .what do you think would happen if you didn't pick her up and expected her to act like an adult and get herself some where on her own?

I got to a point where I told myself that if I wanted to have any kind of relationship with my sister, I had to just accept her as she is.

 

Accepting her as she is, is good, understanding that she has limitations.  Accepting her as she is does not however, mean that you have to accept her bad behavior.

Maybe you could set some small boundaries, for example if she has a car available to her to come to your house or meet you somewhere that you don't pick her up.  The consequences there are not drastic, not homelessness etc, the consequences of her refusal to drive is that she doesn't come over or go out to lunch or whatever it is.  If you reinforce this boundary enough she will learn if she wants to come over she needs to get herself there.

I can tell you when you set a boundary be prepared to enforce it, she will push back, and it could get worse before it gets better.  I like to use the following analogy when talking about setting boundaries... .

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

More on boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

... .And my parents can't financially afford to pay her bills.

The thing is, they are already paying her bills... .they are fully financially supporting your sister.

I'm also curious how many people with BPD are able to get and keep jobs? Because some of the enabling comes from not knowing if my sister could genuinely work or not. She's been out of the work force for nearly 7 years.

There are varying levels of functioning when it come to jobs, some folks are more higher function than others.  My SO's uBPDxw has a bachelors degree and worked consistently until they had their youngest daughter but stopped working and started making "business deals" where she was going to make millions of dollars  , she lost friend's money, made promises of money to other people... .her handling of money is where we really see her dysfunction.  She slid down to her natural consequences which was found guilty of felony fraud for bouncing a large check.  She is currently on probation.

Anyway, I  hope to find at least some peace and set a few boundaries. (Getting her stuff out of my house was a big step for me, and I was terrified of the consequences I would face, and how upset my parents might be at me if it caused my sister to move.)

I think you did an awesome job setting your boundary and enforcing it.  I think you did the right thing putting the needs of your family first.

... .if it caused my sister to move... .

The thing is you can only control your actions you can't control the actions of anyone else not your sister and not your parents.  I will say again I think you did the right thing focusing on your family.

Panda39

[Leftie22]

Panda39, I can tell you've been dealing with this for a while and know your stuff! Thanks for making me think through my perceptions and reactions. I've been in this cycle with my sister since forever, so I think I'm blind to some of this stuff, or don't see any way out.

You asked what would happen if i didn't drive my sister - and what I think is she would get completely angry with me and start dropping hints about suicide (we've been through it a million times) and I'd be anxious, or she would just not come and I'd never see her. Either way, I can see from my answers that I'm probably protecting MYSELF by driving her around, so I don't have to be anxious about her well-being, or sad that she really won't come over to see me and my kids. But those are my issues, not hers. I guess I'm still protecting myself from the reality that she won't make an effort to see me, because it's so hurtful. Or protecting myself from being scared that she really will attempt suicide and I'll feel responsible.

Your questions are helping me realize how screwed up my dynamic is though, so thank you! I know I must have low self-esteem to accept such a one-sided relationship as if I don't deserve any better. I don't blame my parents, but I also see that they used me to take care of my sister a lot, so I have more of a mother-child dynamic with her, and feel very responsible for her well-being. At times, I've been the only person in the family who was in contact with my sister or even knew where she was living, so there's been some pressure from my parents not to lose that connection, even when I wanted to step back.

I am feeling like I want to step back a bit now, but with her living at my parents place, that's harder to do. Thanks again, I'll be thinking and reading a lot now that I feel like I'm on the right path.

[Leftie22]

One more thing - (I'm wordy, but this is so therapeutic and I haven't talked about this stuff anywhere in "real life".)

I agree with you about setting boundaries, and I think I'll have to do what AMJT was talking about and grieve the relationship that I wish I had with my sister. I know if I don't do the majority of the work, I won't see her, but that's reality, and might be better for my mental health than catering to my sister's needs. For example, I won't drive my kids around in the afternoon, because they fall asleep in the car and then it wrecks their sleep that night. So ages, ago, I told my sister that we're here at home every afternoon, and she could come hang out with us here anytime. (When she says she misses the kids or something.) She hasn't ever come over.

I also tried to distance myself from her when she moved away and I was having my own issues with postpartum depression. I remember telling my parents I needed distance from my sister, and they told me not to "give up" on her. Framing it that way made me feel guilty about taking care of myself first, and I'll be fighting that now, and trying to set better boundaries with my parents, too. We're all just so trapped into our routines of not rocking the BPD boat!

[Panda39]

Panda39, I can tell you've been dealing with this for a while and know your stuff!

All you have to do is keep hanging out around here for awhile, there is a lot to learn both about BPD and ourselves. 

Thanks for making me think through my perceptions and reactions. I've been in this cycle with my sister since forever, so I think I'm blind to some of this stuff, or don't see any way out.

Have you ever considered some Therapy for yourself? Once divorced my SO started going for a little while and he found it really helpful to talk with a "Professional" about his anger, issues with his daughters and negotiating his ex etc. Might be something to consider.

You asked what would happen if i didn't drive my sister - and what I think is she would get completely angry with me and start dropping hints about suicide (we've been through it a million times)

What is your (and your parents) reaction to your sister's suicide threats?

I'd be anxious, or she would just not come and I'd never see her.

Above sounds like the effects of FOG... .mostly Fear.  What I am suggesting is seeing her on your terms instead of always on her terms.  You don't want to drive her, then don't.  If you want her to drive herself, but you never allow her to do it then she never will.

Is it so terrible that she decide not to come over?  So you don't see her that day, so you see her another day.  Maybe next time you go see her at your parents house instead.

I know I must have low self-esteem to accept such a one-sided relationship as if I don't deserve any better.

You aren't the only one to have issues with self-esteem   Self-esteem may be at play here but I'm not going to let you take the blame for everything... .even if you want to  .

We all have our issues and our ways of coping.  We learn from our FOO (Family of Origin), we learn from experience, we repeat patterns that have worked for us, we believe things that aren't always true, we see one thing as our only option when in truth there are often more, fear keeps us trapped, we feel better about ourselves when we rescue... .

I don't blame my parents, but I also see that they used me to take care of my sister a lot, so I have more of a mother-child dynamic with her, and feel very responsible for her well-being. At times, I've been the only person in the family who was in contact with my sister or even knew where she was living, so there's been some pressure from my parents not to lose that connection, even when I wanted to step back.

What you said above is really insightful. 

I'm going to remind you that your sister is an adult and your parents are adults.  They are responsible for themselves, even though you have been taught (your role in your family) that you are your sister's caretaker... .mother figure... .rescuer... .you are not, you're her sister and you have your own family and your own children to mother.

I am feeling like I want to step back a bit now, but with her living at my parents place, that's harder to do. Thanks again, I'll be thinking and reading a lot now that I feel like I'm on the right path.

I think you are on the right path too!

Take Care, 
Panda39