What was the "deal-breaker" for you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Choose a moment when you realized it just was not going to work out. All comments and votes appreciated!

Mine was when I was devalued. I got put on a pedestal by the person with BPD and I thought I could stay up there forever. Idealization is a toxic personality trait. Anyone who worships you will also be able to devalue you to nothing more than a crumb(in their mind) but in reality you are still epic. 

[CottonClouds]

Choose a moment when you realized it just was not going to work out. All comments and votes appreciated!

Mine was when I was devalued. I got put on a pedestal by the person with BPD and I thought I could stay up there forever. Idealization is a toxic personality trait. Anyone who worships you will also be able to devalue you to nothing more than a crumb(in their mind) but in reality you are still epic. 

[MeandThee29]

For me the beginning was that he didn't stay with getting help after an unsuccessful suicide attempt. He was so loving and determined for awhile, and then it all began to fall apart and go even worse. He only saw a counsellor for a month and continued the medication for about a week afterwards. All of the hope I had eroded and went into despair. I thought we might make it for awhile there.

About a month before the split, he told me that I deserved all of the devaluing because it was the only way I'd ever change. I knew we were done then.

[Tired_Dad]

I say rages in the poll as that is the most persistent aspect that I have grown tired of. Now I am exhausted that she seems to be constantly on a low simmer and any peace seems to be a long ago memory.

However I am ending it as every attempt to end her pattern of self destruction to date has failed, and all the times to date that she has managed to get somewhat stable has resulted in an even bigger fall. This time was the introduction of cocaine, stopping taking her prescribed meds because she was afraid that they would interact and now wanting to drop out of her DBT group and individual therapy to work with a sponsor she met during a meeting in Canada (we live in Northeast USA). I cannot take the rollercoaster anymore, and as she is prone to rage at me when blaming me for all of this "It's not fair to our son."

[Lostinanother]

The compulsive lying about everything that mattered

[confusedbloke]

Her rage.

She promised not to ever shout at me when my kids were in the vicinity.  She got drunk and started shouting at me whilst my kids were in the other room (we were in a caravan on holiday (which I paid for of course!).  The next morning I just felt sick and was shaking.  2 days later I ended it. 

It was hard, but necessary.  I couldn't take it anymore

[Duped 1]

The inability to act in a respectful manner. Having to constantly deal with her lack of consideration for anyone but herself and her kids. There's a lot more (integrity challenged, very dishonest, cruel and harsh at times, a complete coward, etc.) but the bottom line is that she is incapable of acting in a respectful manner. Stuff most of us learn by the time we are five in regard to respect and manners  is completely lost on her. She indicated she had never had a healthy romantic relationship but doesn't understand that her extreme abuse and poor treatment of others is the root cause.

It's really sad

[skylarkmontana]

My pwBPD very suddenly split me black and stabbed me 18 times and slit my throat.  I fought back and I am glad to be alive. I am putting the pieces of the puzzle together now. I know that BPD's usually self harm, but mine went into a catathymic rage with psychosis. I have a lot of physical scars but it is the emotional ones that hurt the most.

[vanx]

It didn't cause me to end things at the time. No, I bent my boundaries and values, but I go back to the time when she "was able to separate love and sex". I was really surprised because I thought I knew her and this didn't seem like her at all, so I sort of didn't believe her at the time. This is what I return to to comfort myself that she just wasn't the girl for me.

[CottonClouds]

Thanks for the replies everyone! Hearing other people's experiences always validates my own and makes me feel certain that NC is the right path for me to stick to. Because sometimes I am tempted to cheat and look at her social media or contact her. Reading stuff on this site helps me not do that.

MeandThee29, wow he thought you needed to change? Geez it just shows how much these people project on others.

Tired_Dad, I am curious (if you are ok with sharing) how has cocaine changed her BPD symptoms? The pwBPD I know has a fascination with drugs and this was also a big thing that pushed me away from them. I think pwBPD know they are causing the destruction, but they are immature and need to blame someone else because they cannot deal with feeling guilty. Since their esteem is always so low, feeling guilty is too much for them. Their thinking doesn't allow for any growth or maturity. 

Lostinanother, I don't understand lying, it is so childish. I guess it makes sense why they do it though.

confusedbloke, ah promises and alcohol, great mix. I know all about that. Good for you man ending it!

Duped 1, this is exactly how I feel. The person I know sounds just like this person! She is so ridiculously disrespectful and its just sad, because how we see ourselves effects how we are able to see others. So what does this say about them? In what ways was she a coward? 

vanx, did she not see sex as intimate? The person I know with BPD says cuddling and little affectionate gestures are more exciting/romantic than sex. I think they felt this way because they craved these things more than sex.

[Tired_Dad]

She was almost in a constant state of rage or low simmer. Cocaine is not a drug that a BPD should mess with ever. That combined with not taking her prescription for depression and anxiety was just too much. She says that she is clean now, but I know that it's only a matter of time.

[Skip]

Infidelity. It the #1 relationship ender on the board.

What do you mean by dealbreaker? I noticed most of the problems listed here are chronic ongoing problems.

I tend to think of deal breaker as that... .line crossed, relationship over.

[Sunfl0wer]

When I wanted to discuss the homocidal ideas his daughter had towards us both, and her desires to frame us/she planned to create "evidence" to frame us, but he kept insisting that there was nothing to be concerned about... .(even tho she had herself committed and her mom had called police on us several times on false charges... .and we found evidence of wanting to kill us in an email... .including google searches on "how to."

So... .  when I felt his denial (aka his delusion of his relationship with his kid and his ex W) was putting us all in harms way.

Or when I felt it unsafe to use food from my own fridge.

[GaGrl]

Infidelity. It the #1 relationship ender on the board.

What do you mean by dealbreaker? I noticed most of the problems listed here are chronic ongoing problems.

I tend to think of deal breaker as that... .line crossed, relationship over.

This was the reason my DH's marriage to his first wife ended. He "stayed" in the marriage until she finally moved out with one of her boyfriends. It was the constant and blatant nature of the infidelities - the lack of respect that she displayed, the pride she took in "never lying," the exposure of it all to the children - that hurt him beyond repair. He knew it was over after returning home from a four-month General Command and Staff School that paved the way to his next promotion, when she didn't even get off the phone with her boyfriend to welcome him home.

[CottonClouds]

Tired_Dad, sadly this is true. I wish you the best now away from her.

Skip, a deal-breaker where you put your foot down and say "That's enough, I need to go NC on this person." For me I never technically dated the person, we just knew each other for a year, got "close" emotionally/etc. and this person tried to hide their BPD traits. First I saw the clinginess and not wanting to be left alone. That did not make me run even though it should have. Then I saw tiny signs of their rage and learned that they raged at others, still never witnessed it fully myself. Should have run. Then they devalued me, I went from hero to zero. Opposite of that Hercules song. Decided I must cut contact and that there was no way to save the relationship.

Sunfl0wer, that sounds awful. Are things better for you now? The delusions/denial pwBPD have is so strong... .just because someone is convinced of something does not make it true. There are delusional people all around us. We can only trust our own judgement.

Gagrl, no respect and truly pathetic behavior! How is he coping now?

[Sunfl0wer]

Sunfl0wer, that sounds awful. Are things better for you now? The delusions/denial pwBPD have is so strong... .just because someone is convinced of something does not make it true. There are delusional people all around us. We can only trust our own judgement.

Things are much better for me now!  It was really really hard to imagine life changing course.  I really was invested in our life together, felt I put so much into it and we had such struggles and things we endured with his exW... .  I couldn't imagine him not realizing I had everyone's best interest at heart and him seeing/appreciating how devoted I had been through some hellish ongoing events.  I assumed he would also feel devoted... .especially since it was his child and ex that caused so much harm.

When it came down to it tho... .and my own child was in the hospital prepping for exploratory procedures... .and I really needed some support... .  he brought me undies and a toothbrush and rushed out so his girl would not have to be inconvenienced of hanging in an ER.  (yet I was there for her fake psych commitment doing work in the room at 1-4am, left my ill kid at home.  All my own doing tho.)

Anyways... .
My point... .
My identity was really tied up into him, his family, my SD and our life we had been living.  Changing paths felt insurmountable.

I am soo glad I was forced to leave.
My son is healthier... .no more daily chest pains... .I had no idea that was why... .neither did he.
I love myself differently.  I'm at more peace in life.

[Skip]

Skip, a deal-breaker where you put your foot down and say "That's enough, I need to go NC on this person."

I know what deal break means  .  I am really challenging the use of it in this context.

Yes, this person seems to fear engulfment which I only realized later and it was a deal breaker for me since I need reciprocation to keep or pursue any type of relationship. At first this person was super clingy to me, and before I got over this person I thought being clingy was a super attractive quality, and I had no clue why others found it to be a turn off. My mistake.   I now know that clinginess is a double-edged sword, super clingy people are also the most unclingy people at times. Now whenever I meet someone who is clingy I know better.

Are you saying the deal breaker was her backing away from the relationship?

[Aesir]

It was a mixture of devaluing and blame. She made me into a terrible person that ruined her life. She made a mistake in being with me. I  corrected that problem.

[GaGrl]

CottonCloud, my DH spent a number of years alone after the marriage ended. We reconnected about 12 years ago (had been crazy for each other in our teens) and married soon after. There were a few years at the beginning when I had to figure out what was going on with the ex and what kinds of boundaries were needed. All is great in our household now... .We support DH's adult children as best we can. There is not a member of the family without residual damage - emotional for the children, and stress-related physical conditions for DH.I

By the way, we describe our boundaries as being put in place with concertina wire.

[Harley Quinn]

I selected the rages, however this was only from the point that they became physical and the actual deal breaker was when the violence escalated. 

Love and light x

[CottonClouds]

Sunfl0wer, I am so happy for you and your son!

Skip, when she started to withdraw it was a red flag, but she contacted me occasionally and I held onto those rare moments. The deal breaker was when I saw her again face to face and discovered firsthand that I was no longer on her nice list, and for no apparent reason at all. I think she must have invented a reason to hate me because her new behavior towards me shocked basically everyone. I stopped trying to make sense of it though, if she didn't like me I decided to not care about her anymore. If we had actually started dating and got much closer I probably would have held on a little longer, but eventually come to the same conclusion that she is toxic to my life. The look on her face I will never forget. Her splitting on me taught me not to take others' actions personally, unless they are physically trying to harm me. Everything seems like projections now, even the kindness. When people are nice to me it tells me they like themselves but says nothing about me and them.

Aesir, did you set the record straight?

Gagrl, what are some of the boundaries you have found to be successful?

Harley Quinn, I am happy you are out of that now. Are you able to be no contact with him?

[MarkDavid]

The compulsive lying about everything that mattered

Me too

[Sadly]

I put rages but I think the worst thing was after the first 3 months and devaluing began it was his coldness. No hugs kisses or physical contact, I used to actually ache to feel his arms around me.

[Meili]

For me, it wasn't so much about any of the common things people tend to experience when involved with a person who presents BPD traits. It was about the same thing that kills any relationship, the lack of common values.

[SuperJew82]

The compulsive lying about everything that mattered

Yes. Living in paranoia wondering what is the truth and what isn't the truth. That was absolute hell. Lied about big things. Lied about small things that didn't matter. I know it was just a psychological maladaptive mechanism - but living with the uncertainty breaks you down. I know lying isn't "technically a DSM bullet-point" but I think it is very common in pwBPD as it's a way for them to protect themselves from the perceived shame of having their actions revealed.

During one of her moments of clarity she once told me she couldn't help it. A lie would just come out reflexively and she would regret it as soon as it happened, but it would be too late. The pain from being exposed would be too much and the lie would continue and be built upon. Other times she would lose memories from being in a dissociated state. I completely believe some of her accounts of not even being able to recollect certain events.

You would think the infidelity would be my deal-breaker - but it surprisingly was not. It was the constant paranoia of living with the pathological lying.

[Lostinanother]

Yes! Exactly.
When you are constantly lied to, it really messes with your perception of reality all together. It turns you into a paranoid mess, who becomes unable to believe anything they say in the end.

Because of her cheating and lying about it or trickle truthing me for months
I came to know that I would never see the whole iceberg.
And after two lost babies and all the hurt and devastations those losses caused me mentally, now I’m not even sure 100% if they were my babies... .
I emailed her to ask for clarification but she never replied... .

[SuperJew82]

You are right about the iceberg. I'm going to take a wild guess - but you probably only know about 1/10 of the truth, if that.

I honestly don't want to know what I don't know. What I did find out was more than enough to seriously mess with my head. I'm better now but it was a traumatic experience, to say the least.

[dazedandconfuzed]

We went on vacation, then she left that trip once we finished, lied to me about going to Europe alone, and went with someone else to Italy.

[tornANDfrayed]

Im still fresh out of the official break up, little over a month, and still dealing with the no contact on her end/lack of closure but my last reach out was a week ago and likely will be my final attempt. Preparing for a possible recycle down the line thats another story, if that comes at all. Something tells me a heavy self guilt and association with her failing to be a caring partner might prevent that all together as it would take a deep look in the mirror and in her eyes make her a bad person overall, something we know they can't handle and will often do whatever it takes to avoid that reflecting on. Sadly  though she did express some remorse and things towards the back end.

What was the 'deal breaker' for me causing me to unfriend her online (a bit childish, I know) but was me protecting my heart at the point and to a degree letting it be known that crap wasn't gonna fly and doing it before id give her the satisfaction of doing it first, something she had threatened but never actually did, was the heavvvvvvy flirting with a random guy online who lived in another state. Just such an unhealthy and crap coping mechanism which is exactly what it was. Her being a low functioning BPD I almost know for certain it wouldn't/won't pan out with them but still insanely hurtful for me to see blatantly done so soon 'out' of our relationship. Of course I had been devalued for months before that so... .tough pill to swallow.