Leaving my BPD partner

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man who has opened up lots of new experiences to me over the past 2 and half years, we have our own homes, just a mile apart. I fell in love with him in early days, he had been on his own for 30 years and me for 10 years. He is charismatic, fun and charming and even now professes great love for me. I guess I ignored lots of warning signs, thinking he had anxieties, his fear of abandonment was very extreme and created problems for me even in the early days when booked to have a week away with family. (He cannot stay away from home mostly, cannot sleep overnight in the same bedroom as me even at home). My life constricted in a lot of areas and I felt wedges put between family and friends increasingly (his trouble coping with people in social situations). Over the last year this became extreme with his greater reliance on alcohol, long ranting phone calls several hours in the day, extreme ranting shouting behaviour, usually about my family, during these periods he appeared to have no empathy for my distress. I kept trying to resolve situations until I felt like a husk of my former self, an anxious wreck. The last 4 months I have tried to extricate myself from the relationship, however, I have become drawn back in on several occasions, laterly a week ago when he came to my door repeatedly, very distressed and saying he had a heart problem. I caved in, went to the doctors with him and here I am a week later back into the relationship. My heart aches at the thought of not having him in my life and though I have sought and am getting therapy the newfound strength in me has not enabled me to resist coming to his 'rescue'. I have read a lot which led me to discover his condition initially and give me a bit of understanding. Because of this I am aware of my own underlying issues and trying to address them with therapy. (I was unaware of my own wounds caused by an emotionally abusive father and how this creates a dynamic between my partner and I). Although he is now getting help and therapy and really trying hard and making improvements, I feel that the damage is too much ~ my family/friends have seen my health and wellbeing deteriorate and are hardened to him. I now feel so terribly conflicted by the situation and know it is unhealthy for me, but at the same time am struggling to put an end to this finally as he is pretty much alone in the world and I feel for him. I have joined this website after prolonged reading around about BPD and hoping that someone on the site may be able to give me some advise as how to cause least hurt and get myself well again. Thank you.

[KAW]

I have been in a relationship with a lovely man who has opened up lots of new experiences to me over the past 2 and half years, we have our own homes, just a mile apart. I fell in love with him in early days, he had been on his own for 30 years and me for 10 years. He is charismatic, fun and charming and even now professes great love for me. I guess I ignored lots of warning signs, thinking he had anxieties, his fear of abandonment was very extreme and created problems for me even in the early days when booked to have a week away with family. (He cannot stay away from home mostly, cannot sleep overnight in the same bedroom as me even at home). My life constricted in a lot of areas and I felt wedges put between family and friends increasingly (his trouble coping with people in social situations). Over the last year this became extreme with his greater reliance on alcohol, long ranting phone calls several hours in the day, extreme ranting shouting behaviour, usually about my family, during these periods he appeared to have no empathy for my distress. I kept trying to resolve situations until I felt like a husk of my former self, an anxious wreck. The last 4 months I have tried to extricate myself from the relationship, however, I have become drawn back in on several occasions, laterly a week ago when he came to my door repeatedly, very distressed and saying he had a heart problem. I caved in, went to the doctors with him and here I am a week later back into the relationship. My heart aches at the thought of not having him in my life and though I have sought and am getting therapy the newfound strength in me has not enabled me to resist coming to his 'rescue'. I have read a lot which led me to discover his condition initially and give me a bit of understanding. Because of this I am aware of my own underlying issues and trying to address them with therapy. (I was unaware of my own wounds caused by an emotionally abusive father and how this creates a dynamic between my partner and I). Although he is now getting help and therapy and really trying hard and making improvements, I feel that the damage is too much ~ my family/friends have seen my health and wellbeing deteriorate and are hardened to him. I now feel so terribly conflicted by the situation and know it is unhealthy for me, but at the same time am struggling to put an end to this finally as he is pretty much alone in the world and I feel for him. I have joined this website after prolonged reading around about BPD and hoping that someone on the site may be able to give me some advise as how to cause least hurt and get myself well again. Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Kaw,

Welcome to the family! I've read your post a few times and I understand you are in therapy and your family is hardened against him as you say. Are you hoping to stay with him and find tools to help improve things in the relationship? I was never quite sure if I belonged on the Saving, Improving, or Conflicted board when I made my first posts, but I soon realized that Improving felt like a nice place to visit (best fit my mindset) because I ultimately wanted tools to improve my relationship and improve my personal communication. (Though it is interesting to look in every nook and cranny on this site!)

It sounds like you may be most focused on Improving yourself?  I think the Basic Tools and Lessons on the right side of the board made me feel a lot better even when I was not 100% sure I could keep doing this kind of relationship. It gave me important insights and a sense of relief that I was not just imagining these things. The boards themselves just made feel more understand and like I was not alone. There is lot here!

Hope you find some peace with these tough issues!

I understand the need to want to protect yourself from further pain. Are you interested in ways to reduce your personal suffering? I would recommend the links to Wisemind (it helps you rethink your own approach) and Don't Be Invalidating. (Helps you understand how to speak with someone with BPD issues).

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating