A sick "child" that ruined my life

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everybody. This is my first time posting here. English is not my first languages, so I apologize in advance for any errors.

I will try to make long story short. I was in a commited 5 year long relationship with my fiance who was living with me (he worked, I'm finishing uni) and my life was altogether stable and comfortable. Not too exciting, not too happy, but surely not unhappy. I felt comfortable and safe and loved.
I did love my ex fiance and he took care of me.

28.06. this year, I met via facebook a student from my university who wrote some amazing scripts and I messaged him concerning those scripts. He was friendly and helpful and told me I can message him anytime if I need any help. That day, he changed his profile picture, showing his face and paintings of my (and his) favorite writers- Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Pushkin. I reached to him again and complimented his good taste.

That's what it all started. Honestly, I'm already feeling dizzy writing this letters and remembering all of this. I feel like I might vomit.
We started messaging back and forth. I was living with my ex fiance, and while he was working, I was staying home and studying and messaging with this new guy. I am 30, he was 23. I felt awkward, but it also felt kind of right. He was the best student on our uni, and our uni is pretty darn hard (law). He had IQ 145 and mental age of 45. He told me he was 6 months last year in mental hospital because of his depression. He said he was working since he was 13, supported himself, worked and studied hard all his life... .I thought the illness was something that comes with such a great mind, in his case. He is extremely intelligent, talented in many fields and very good looking. I felt honored when I started noticing (very quickly) that he likes me. He wrote me poems, told me he loved me... .very very soon. It was very odd at first, and I did think that was too soon. His first love poem left me speachless and I was kind of amused, more in a way "is he joking"? He fell hard for me. I fell hard for him. I told him about my fiance, at first he didn't want to talk to me any more, but later he said that he doesn't want to lose me now that he found me.

We met after 2-3 weeks of comunicating via messages. Oh my gosh. I feel soo bad writing this, I don0t know will I be able to write everything. My mind is in fog. I am in ing agony. I have to make this story shorter, I have no power to remember everything, it just hurts so much

Long story short, I left my fiance for him. My ex fiance was in anguish, I hurt him really bad. At that time, I didn't know my then new-now ex had BPD, only depression. We were together for 2 months only. I cannot describe everything because my heart is falling apart, but imagine heaven on earth, feeling that you have find your soulmate,... .he gave me an engagement ring after 3 days. I said yes.

The day after our engagement course in church, 1.9., he was triggered by something his (platonic) girlfriend said- that she thinks that he got engaged too soon (and that she was in love with him for 2 years). She is 14 years older then him, and lives thousands of miles away. He began crying and had major crisis. He said he doesn't know if he loves me or not. After all I have done for him. After I ruined my life for him.
I gave him his ring back. We broke up. I made him go out of my house (he moved in with me).
I felt and still feel devastated. He wanted to reconcile, then pushed me away, then he said he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me, that he is an ill and bad man and that I deserve the best and that best will come.

Today, I am 36 day NC. He messaged me and called first week of my NC, but I didn't answer.

In a meanwhile, my ex ex fiance moved on. He is activly searching for a new gf, unfriended me on facebook and made it clear that he doesn't want to deal with me any more.

Though all of this lasts  since 28.6., there are so many details and events I simply cannot describe, because I would be writing for days and I simply cannot... .I cannot think about that.

My life is in ruins. I am in extreme isolation. I sleep during the day, and watch videos about BPD condition during the night. I cannot study. I feel like I am dying. Please, please, help me. I know all of this is very poorly written, I will answer if you have any questions.

I miss both of my exes. I miss my old life. I miss life- period. I know my BPD ex is dangerous, toxic and poisonus, but I still love him. And hate him and feel sorry for him, and am angry all at once. He is very ill, when we met, he was taking total of 8 different psych medicine. Because he was so happy with me, his doctor took him of 6 out of 8 medicine and left him only on 2! Doctor didn't find anything strange about his erratic behaviour, fast engagement, etc. He was 100% supportive of our relationship. Even though he ofc also knew his patient had BPD. I learned that after everything was over.

Please, help me get out of my head. Since 1.9. my life has stopped. I really sometimes think that the damage is too big and that I don't deserve nor I am capable of new start. I am too much of a coward to kill myself, but          often I think about dying and how I would want to cease to exist.
I want to punish myself, like stop eating and eventually colapse.

[itgetsbetter94]

Hello everybody. This is my first time posting here. English is not my first languages, so I apologize in advance for any errors.

I will try to make long story short. I was in a commited 5 year long relationship with my fiance who was living with me (he worked, I'm finishing uni) and my life was altogether stable and comfortable. Not too exciting, not too happy, but surely not unhappy. I felt comfortable and safe and loved.
I did love my ex fiance and he took care of me.

28.06. this year, I met via facebook a student from my university who wrote some amazing scripts and I messaged him concerning those scripts. He was friendly and helpful and told me I can message him anytime if I need any help. That day, he changed his profile picture, showing his face and paintings of my (and his) favorite writers- Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Pushkin. I reached to him again and complimented his good taste.

That's what it all started. Honestly, I'm already feeling dizzy writing this letters and remembering all of this. I feel like I might vomit.
We started messaging back and forth. I was living with my ex fiance, and while he was working, I was staying home and studying and messaging with this new guy. I am 30, he was 23. I felt awkward, but it also felt kind of right. He was the best student on our uni, and our uni is pretty darn hard (law). He had IQ 145 and mental age of 45. He told me he was 6 months last year in mental hospital because of his depression. He said he was working since he was 13, supported himself, worked and studied hard all his life... .I thought the illness was something that comes with such a great mind, in his case. He is extremely intelligent, talented in many fields and very good looking. I felt honored when I started noticing (very quickly) that he likes me. He wrote me poems, told me he loved me... .very very soon. It was very odd at first, and I did think that was too soon. His first love poem left me speachless and I was kind of amused, more in a way "is he joking"? He fell hard for me. I fell hard for him. I told him about my fiance, at first he didn't want to talk to me any more, but later he said that he doesn't want to lose me now that he found me.

We met after 2-3 weeks of comunicating via messages. Oh my gosh. I feel soo bad writing this, I don0t know will I be able to write everything. My mind is in fog. I am in ing agony. I have to make this story shorter, I have no power to remember everything, it just hurts so much

Long story short, I left my fiance for him. My ex fiance was in anguish, I hurt him really bad. At that time, I didn't know my then new-now ex had BPD, only depression. We were together for 2 months only. I cannot describe everything because my heart is falling apart, but imagine heaven on earth, feeling that you have find your soulmate,... .he gave me an engagement ring after 3 days. I said yes.

The day after our engagement course in church, 1.9., he was triggered by something his (platonic) girlfriend said- that she thinks that he got engaged too soon (and that she was in love with him for 2 years). She is 14 years older then him, and lives thousands of miles away. He began crying and had major crisis. He said he doesn't know if he loves me or not. After all I have done for him. After I ruined my life for him.
I gave him his ring back. We broke up. I made him go out of my house (he moved in with me).
I felt and still feel devastated. He wanted to reconcile, then pushed me away, then he said he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be with me, that he is an ill and bad man and that I deserve the best and that best will come.

Today, I am 36 day NC. He messaged me and called first week of my NC, but I didn't answer.

In a meanwhile, my ex ex fiance moved on. He is activly searching for a new gf, unfriended me on facebook and made it clear that he doesn't want to deal with me any more.

Though all of this lasts  since 28.6., there are so many details and events I simply cannot describe, because I would be writing for days and I simply cannot... .I cannot think about that.

My life is in ruins. I am in extreme isolation. I sleep during the day, and watch videos about BPD condition during the night. I cannot study. I feel like I am dying. Please, please, help me. I know all of this is very poorly written, I will answer if you have any questions.

I miss both of my exes. I miss my old life. I miss life- period. I know my BPD ex is dangerous, toxic and poisonus, but I still love him. And hate him and feel sorry for him, and am angry all at once. He is very ill, when we met, he was taking total of 8 different psych medicine. Because he was so happy with me, his doctor took him of 6 out of 8 medicine and left him only on 2! Doctor didn't find anything strange about his erratic behaviour, fast engagement, etc. He was 100% supportive of our relationship. Even though he ofc also knew his patient had BPD. I learned that after everything was over.

Please, help me get out of my head. Since 1.9. my life has stopped. I really sometimes think that the damage is too big and that I don't deserve nor I am capable of new start. I am too much of a coward to kill myself, but          often I think about dying and how I would want to cease to exist.
I want to punish myself, like stop eating and eventually colapse.

[Harley Quinn]

Welcome itgetsbetter94  

You're in the right place for understanding and support so I'm really glad you came across the site.  Members here can understand the attraction to the enigmatic character you describe and how you would be prepared to forfeit another r/s due to the charms of this man.  It is not unusual for these types of intense and whirlwind starts to relationships with a pwBPD to happen.  We can all understand the deep connection that can be felt and when things change it is shocking and unexpected to say the least.  It must be very hard for you to have to deal with losing two people at roughly the same time and I feel for you.  The terrible pain and mixed emotions you are experiencing can at times feel overwhelming and you are not alone.  Everyone here is at some stage of the healing process and many will be feeling as you are right now.  That doesn't make your pain any less, but others here can at least assure you that what you are going through is not going to last forever and will get better.  Many have walked this path before us.

Do you see a therapist and have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling?  You have been through an awful lot in a short time.  It is quite common for depression to hit in the aftermath of such a breakup and the surrounding impact that the r/s has had our lives.  Seeking support here is a really positive step and sometimes it is necessary to seek help elsewhere too just to be sure you're getting all the right support.  I began to take an SSRI earlier this year and it made a world of difference to me in my ability to process and make decisions about actions I could take for myself to move forwards.  It's hard to think straight and make good decisions when in the grip of depression.      

Whilst you are going through such emotional turmoil it's important you take good care of yourself physically and meet your body's needs for food and rest.  If you are feeling too low to care for yourself I'd encourage you to speak to someone.  :)o you have close friends and family who you can talk to if not a therapist?  Getting things off your chest can bring some relief and posting here is also a great way to do that.  You mention your feelings about living, and many of us have been there.  You know yourself best.  Would you say that you feel safe right now?
 
Keep in touch with us and let us know how you are doing.  We care and are here for you.

Love and light x    

[itgetsbetter94]

Harley Quinn, thank you so much for your kind words, that really means the world to me right now. I was always kind of a hermit, very limited circle of friends, and I feel extremely grateful to any kind hearted person who finds time to read about my problem and shows a good will to help me. So, THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart.

In the middle of his crisis, when he was saying he is going to kill himself, that he knows that I want him to kill himself, that he cannot love me anymore even though I want it... .I felt like my mind and heart were going to explode. It all happened literally overnight. Over the course of few hours to be exact. From the confessions of undying love, now to this... .I felt hopeless and on the edge of harming myself so I called emergency line for mental help. A kind female voice answered. I told her how I'm feeling and what caused it- I explained her everything. She immediately detected it is not just a common depression in his case, she said it sounds to her like he has a personality disorder. She invited me to come to her office so we can talk in person. She became my therapist. I've seen her 4 times, and will continue to go talk to her. Interesting thing is, she shares the same life story as me- long engagement- new love interest (BPD, but she didn't know since she was only a student then) and broken relationships with both men. So, in a way, I was really lucky having found her. Not only is she extremely caring and sweet, but understands me completely. She is 5 years older than me, and seeing her how she is collected, smart and successfull, gives me hope that I will also reach that state one day and maybe also help someone who will be in my shoes.

She immediately suggested, over the phone and in person, that I should quit any contact with him. She said "always in such relationships, there is some woman who suffers". She said if we were longer together, were married or had children, she would maybe teach me some coping skills, but in my case, where we were only 2 months together, and without and real, legal or other bond that ties us, she said that the best scenario for me is to leave. She said these words when I first saw her in person "you don't need a psychiatrist, but you would definitely need one if you stayed and longer with him". So, having started seeing her, I broke contact with him. He called me and wrote texts during the first week of NC, but then he stopped. She warned me he might contact me again in few months. She said her ex contacted her after 4 years!

When I wrote my first post here, I haven't slept for a long time, and was in a midst of my PMS. Now I'm feeling much calmer, and my period came. I was also worrying I might be pregnant, but thank God, it's one problem less now. When my ex was contacting me during that first week, he asked me several times has my period come (even though we made a test and it came out negative), that test might have been wrong etc. That it is our shared responsibility etc. I saw that as the form of manipulation because he knows that I had an abortion many years ago and in our initial love stage I told him I know he is not the man who would ever be able to leave a pregnant woman with his child (like my ex at the time did). I was really offended by that tactic.

My mum has been a great help. She is the only person that is checking up on me and tries to cheer me up. We bonded more during this experience, which is the only positive thing that came out of this nightmare.

My ex fiance (whom I left for BPD ex) and I stopped communicating for a while. He sent me a plain "how are you" message on Wednesday, to which I responded "good, thank you for asking". And that was it. I know he is deeply hurt. Few days before, he wrote an "ad" on the forum where we met that he wants to find a gf from his city, but definitely NOT from my city, since he cannot deal with us (me) and longer. And he put smiley face. That hurt me immensly although everyone (mom, sister, dad) told me I react like a chilf. "You left him for another man, and he cannot try to find himself a new girlfriend?". I know my reaction is childish, but he was my best friend, I told him milion times I am sorry, that I made a huge mistake and betrayal and that I am going to the therapy now and experiencing a horrible pain.

I counted wrong, today is my 40 day of NC with my BPD ex. More than the half of the time we had spent together, but I still feel like I'm in the fog. I haven't been single for so long, it's hard being alone again in my apartment.

I should start studying, eating better, sleep during the night, etc. I know. I have to force myself.

My heart still aches for both of them. I know that BPD ex is extremely dangerous for me. I texted his ex gf when he was being suicidal and pushed me back and forth, is this the usual behaviour for him. She texted "he has phases such as these. If you stay, you should know thay would happen again. Think again are you able to live like that". She meant only good.

What I find helpful- prayer, educating myself about BPD condition and the unstable nature of relationships with pwBPD, therapy, and this community.

I am so thankful for finding you. Not many people, except my therapist, can relate to the pain. Usual advices such as "get over him" simply cannot apply in this case. This is something completely different. I'm 30, had serious and long relationships untill now. My last ex was my 6th boyfriend. But not one relationship left me in such a horrible condition such as this one.

[Mutt]

Hi itgetsbetter94,  



I’d like to join Harley Quinn and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Depression is tough. I take medication for major depressive disorder, I’d like to echo Harley Quinn, have you talked to a GP or an MD about how you feel? I’d like to stress that this is a safe place where you can share your feelings and thoughts without being invalidated for having them.

Share what you like sharing and if it’s too much that’s fine. We got at your pace, it’s your healing path, we’ll walk with you, you’re not alone.

What instigated no contact?

[itgetsbetter94]

Mutt, thank you very much for answering. I described my situation more in details above.
My therapist suggested that I should implement NC, and I agreed. I called the mental help hotline in the middle of the night, out of my wits, on the verge of, if not suicide, then seriously harming myself.
Last text my ex BPD sent me was "Hey, how are you? Do you want to talk about everything once again?" to which I haven't replied. I am afraid of him, truth to be told. If me managed to get me on the edge of the suicide after only 2 months of our relationship, I'm afraid he can seriously destroy and ruin my life. I am 6.5 years older and more experienced in life and relationships, but he is much more powerful than me obviously, when he could drive me to that state. A sensible, empathetic person such as myself simply cannot alow herself to stay near that person. He literally might be the end of me.

[Mutt]

I’m glad to hear that you made the call when you felt really low. Im also happy to hear that you’re listening to your T and that your self protecting. Those are positive steps 

I can understand feeling bad about your ex fiancé. I agree with Harley Quinn that just about anybody can be swept off of their feet with how fast a pwBPD move in a r/s and how they quickly bare down on you emotionally. It feels like a deep emotional connection. It is the nature of the disorder.

[itgetsbetter94]

I have to say one important thing. During the entire (short) course of our relationship, he was in contact with his doctor. He is his therapist during the last 2 years, and was his doctor when he was in mental hospital for 6 months last year. He saw his doctor 2 times while we've been together and heard from him daily. They were like friends. Doctor was very very very supportive about our relationship, even engagement! For heavens sake! I knew nothing about BPD then, but that should have been a major sign to his doctor. His friends were against our engagement, even threw us an intervention, called his doctor, but the doctor dismessed them all. He said to my ex "you simply cannot please everyone. They may be your friends but I know you the best, I've been monitoring you for the last 2 years and I have never seen you so stable, so firm, so collected, so happy". He said he wanted to meet me the next time they see each other. My ex was drinking 8 different meds when I met him, but doctor left him only on 2, due to his stable state of mind and newfound happiness with me.

When ___ hit the fan, I messaged his doctor and asked him what should I do. He didn't reply to me to this day even though he seen the message.

I cannot believe a respectable doctor could behave this way. My mother was also shocked when I told her that. She said that the doctor took me for a scapegoat- either love will save my ex, or it will destroy it. She said that by doing so, he put me in danger as well.

I wish more than anything to speak to that doctor, but I don't want to impose myself. He is the kind of doctor that has many patients, rarely sees them, travels a lot, always on some kind of conferences... .he resceduled my ex many times in the last moment.

If I can't have a closure from my ex, I would at least want it from his doctor. I blame him for the most of it.

He could invite both me and him and introduce me to his condition- that the crisis may occur, that that is the nature of his illness etc. To prepare me.

I don't know. What do you think about that? Should I try to contact his doctor once again or just let it go?

[Mutt]

I’m sorry that you didn’t get closure. I understand how much it hurts when there are so many questions left unanswered. I don’t understand the r/s between the doctor and his patient,from what you shared here it’s unpredictable fessions.

If you approach him asking him for closure for your ex, it may him feel responsible and if his ethics are questionable, he’ll likely be avoidant, he didn’t respond to the message that you sent. You can’t control that, what you have control over is yourself.

Many members can relate with not getting closure, many of us imcluding myself had to give closure to ourselves. My advice would be to focus on that and take the focus of his doctor. You’ll get more positive results instead of left feeling disappointment.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling more centred at the moment    Well done for seeking help when you felt desperate and for finding yourself a great therapist.  It's funny how sometimes things must get quite bad for us to find the silver lining and she sounds like yours in that situation.  Having that support is really valuable on your healing journey and her own experience will be really beneficial in how she helps you I'm sure.

Regards his doctor, it's possible that they have formed a strong friendship bond if your ex has worked his magic on this person.  Many therapists enter into their own therapy when treating a pwBPD to keep them in check and protect themselves from being drawn in by the behaviours.  It's easy to be manipulated by someone who is very needy and demanding of special attention.  I'd personally let it go and chalk up the somewhat unprofessional approach to this man's own personal impact from your ex.  It sounds like he is spellbound as you (and we all) were and not thinking of the consequences of your ex on another's life.  I could even go so far as saying they may be a little enmeshed if they are in close regular contact.  It's unlikely you would be successful at getting a balanced response from him and you may end up feeling further hurt and frustration from making the contact with him. 

Sometimes we have to dust ourselves off and walk away with our heads up, then get on with the business of repairing ourselves and giving that energy and focus to ourselves.  We will back you whatever you decide and help you to manage the ups and downs through the steps you take from here.  Look after yourself and remember we are always here.

Love and light x   

[itgetsbetter94]

Dear Harley Quinn and Mutt, thank you both for your kind words and time, you are my guardian angels!   It's a relief having someone to talk to.

You both are right, I really should just let it go. I'm not going to get any closure from his doctor. He doesn't have time even for his patients, so I'm sure he wouldn't give me a time of his day to answer some of my questions.

Harley, you're absolutely correct. My ex really did work his magic upon his doctor as well. Doctor even found him a job in the law office (which is run by doctor's family friends). They also had "secret agreement" that the doctor would write all the worst diagnosis for him, that he is getting steadily worse etc. so my ex could get some formal benefits because of his poor condition in the University... .That was during the time when me and my ex were the happiest. I found that their "secret agreement" was kind of a bad omen, and not professional at all, but if it could benefit him in the long run (with scolarship etc.), I didn't want to nag any further. But, yeah, everything that was wrote in the "false diagnosis" came true. :-/

When we got engaged out of the blue, he immediately told EVERYONE. Professors (many of them are his friends. I'm telling you, this kid has charmed us all! Me, his doctor, the professors, all of us!), all of his friends and family. Many of his friends are priests (he is extremely religious!), and he wanted one of them to marry us, to which he (friend priest) agreed. He flaunted me heavily on facebook and instagram. I teasted him that he is an attention w**** . He admitted he was  and that he wants everyone to know how happy he is. He started an instagram account with the images of our life together- books he bought to me (collection of Dostoevsky), our (mine) apartment, first day of the engagement course, last day, us holding the certificate that we had passed the course, us together, me kissing him on the cheek... .The love campaign was STRONG and agressive! I found that a bit odd, but also sweet at the same time. I just thought he was happy and that he wanted the whole world to know how happy he is. I also thought of his as a millenial that has to share everything on social media. I, myself, am social hermit both in real life and on social media, but I didn't really mind him oversharing.

Now, when everything is over, his instagram account with images of our "past life" is still active, he hasn't deleted it. He also hasn't post anything on his facebook. Last thing he posted were our pictures. I deleted him on fb, but creeped with another account. :-/ Everything is still active. I know he is the kind of person that usually posts on regular basis. maybe I'm reading too much into it. :-/ It just seems that everything has stopped.

People on my univeristy, which I've never seen before, stop me and ask me am I his girlfriend.  One guy literally showed me picture of us and asked "sorry, is that you? You know, ***** and I are great friends!". So, he gave me a bit of popularity there. :-/ It is so hard to have to explain, no, we're not together anymore... .why? ... .

he holds many people under his spell. Many of them know he's sick, but say he is a really good person and that he helped them when they needed help. He is quite popular, beloved, and almost seen as saint.

That is so confusing to me. He said to me, while he was "seducing" me, that I can ask almost anybody in our University about him, and that many of them will witness how generous and helpful he was. And that really is the truth. People love this guy. People which had known him for 5,6 years would put their hands in fire for him, and I was with him for 2 months and he drove me mad!

What is his game with social media now, what do you think? I asked my therapist what does she think, what did he say to all of those people that he informed about the engagement. She said he probably said that I couldn't cope with his illness. And she is correct. Last time we saw each other, he said to me "you obviously can't cope with my illness. Either I sould stay alone forever, or find somebody that can". But "coping with his ilness" in my case meant that I should have remained cold as a stone when he said that he couldn't say he loved me anymore! I mean, what kind of sick mental mind ___ is that? I showed my love and devotion, I left my fiance for him, I did everything by the book, and what, I should had remained cold and stable and normal when he out of the blue told me that he doesn't feel the love anymore and that he felt emptiness inside, like someone has ripped all of the nice memories out of him!
I know that is the nature of his condition- being emotionally unstable, but I didn't know this at the time. He told me that the day after our engagement course, for heavens sake! He never told me about his BPD, only depression. I know he knows he has BPD, because his friend (that stopped me and asked me am I his gf) told me that my ex told him he has a personality disorder!

My ex told me during the first few days that I sould google what the "depression" is. Ofc I knew what it was, since I had it, and that also bonded us. But what he didn't tell me was that he had a personality disorder (cluster B, he shows the signs of all 4- BPD, antisocial disorder, histrionic and narcissistic), which is far more sinister, far more dangerous and harmful to others. Had I known he suffers of that, I would have never left my ex fiance for him! That's probably why he didn't tell me.

As I said, we bonded over our depressions. I said him many times that I'm fragile and said that I had a very hard time reaching and maintaining my stability, peace and happiness and that he shouldn't play with my heart. He swore he wouldn't. He bought me an engagement ring so early, so that I could have a stability, that I would be sure that I made a right decission by leaving my ex fiance for him and that he will now take care of me. :-/ Pathetic.

Ok, now I am alone. Learning to be alone again.

I don't know what is exactly the point of me writing this. I just wanted to make things clearer, I guess.
I do still miss him, after all he did. But I know he won't get better and that the relationship with him is the relationship of inevitable harm. I have to protect myself and get stronger.

I asked my therapist could he ever be cured. She said that it would probably take at least 2x weekly sessions, and that maybe over a course of 10 years he could improve. people on internet write about cognitive behavioral therapy, which gives results quickly... .he's been in therapy since 2013, and hasn't improved... .I don't know.

I would be the happiest if he got better and learned to cope with his reactions and emotions. But I don't know is that possible for him. He IS willing to get the therapy, he on his own free will was twice hospitalised, drinks his meds as prescribed, goes to the therapy... .for years now.

I am so miserable. I don't know what to do. I do love him despite of his condition. I was willing to cope with his depression. I would have stayed if he got cancer, got blind, everything... .But this condition is so terrible. He's tormenting the ones who love him the most! I don't know if I can take that. I can't- plain and simple.

I'm torn apart. This is a true hell, loving someone with BPD.

[Harley Quinn]

We can all relate to how you feel.  It is so very sad that 'if only' stage... .  I went through it by asking the Universe to help him get better and send him back to me.  In time this passed.  You're going through the hardest part and we know how difficult this is.  There are so many things that we loved about our exes and it is really tough remembering all of that and missing them.  Just try to also remember the reasons why it isn't healthy for you and try to find acceptance that it is OK to love someone and not be with them.  There is nothing wrong in wanting the best for someone and wishing them well from afar if it is unwise for us to be in their lives. 

You sound very clear in your understanding that going back is not an option, as painful as that is.  It could be worthwhile taking a look at the Lessons to gauge where you are at in the process and begin to work on your own healing now.  It takes time and we can take steps back before going forwards again, and that's OK.  I'm sure your therapist is going to be a huge support to you also and do go ahead and post here when you need to vent and get things off your chest.  It was a lifeline for me sometimes just to come on and read to remind me that I'm not the only one going through this.  Stay strong and take really good care of yourself.  You need to be healthy physically in order to deal best with the emotions that you're going through and to be prepared for the next chapter in your life.  Small steps add up, so just keep going and you'll get there 

Love and light x 

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you, Harley.
 I've read the Lessons, and will continue to re-read them and monitor my progress.
I know that it's not the end of the world although it feels like one. If I get out of my head, my life is still pretty solid and functional. I've read many comments written by people who had BPD ex bf, gf, husband and wife, and many of them had it way worse than me. Relationships and marriages lasted for years and decades, and people are left in serious mental distress.
My relationship, although it had shaken me to the core, only lasted two months. This was my shortest relationship ever, but the most intense one for sure. By the New Year 2018, I hope I'll be as new.

I do realize there is no coming back. I do (did) love him, but I must love myself as well. I have to take care of me the way I wanted to take care of him. If I give myself only one small percentage of love that I wanted to give to him, I will be well, or at least better. I do know my value. I know that I deserve love, real, true, stable love, not some fantasy, some mad men idolization.

Honestly, knowing that this condition exists (BPD) and that my ex has it, makes the world of difference. It's somehow easier to know that the illness (or condition) caused it, that there are always the same stages- lovebombing, devaluation, discarge- and that it's not about me. And that there was literally nothing I could do. Although soul crushing, there is some relief and solace in that. I know I did and gave my best. I loved this the best I could. But no amount of my love can fix him.

And knowing that there are many people who are going through this pain as well, also kind of helps. It would be much nicer if we all had loving relationship, of course, but at least we found each other. Any outsider who hasn't experienced the break-up with someone with BPD, simply couldn't be able to relate. This really isn't your everyday relationship and you're everyday break up. People who dont't know, simply cannot understand and give sound advice that could resonate with my (our) pain.

Guys, I'm really relieved and even happy (as much as I can be ) for finding you.

I will continue to write on this thread, even just for myself, if you don't mind. I find that theraputical. Getting things of my chest really helps.

[Harley Quinn]

Absolutely do!  That's what this place is here for.  And you will find you'll learn many insights you hadn't imagined along the way.  This is the beauty of this community.  So many varied opinions, experiences and realisations that can help and support one another in our personal growth.  It's been the thing to save me from going under with the strain at the outset and has been an outlet for me in my journey of self discovery. 

Also, don't minimise what you've been through.  This stuff is Tough with a capital T.  The impact on your life has been substantial and I hope that in time that will prove to have positives attached to it, yet at present it is no wonder you feel as you do, so be kind to yourself and don't compare your situation to others.  Everyone here is suffering in some way.  We hold one another up and celebrate together as we have successes.  Share the good and the bad as much as you choose to.  It all helps somebody.

Love and light x 

[itgetsbetter94]

UPDATE

My favourite borderline is engaged!
I'm on the 45 day of NC and went creeping on his social media. (I have to stop doing that, I know. ) Accidentally, I found a site where people write down prayers, and he signed his name and surname (that's how it appeared on google search".

He wrote something along the lines "I'm suffering from the depression and BPD and been in treatment for 3 years. It results in me losing the positive feelings for the loved ones and the feelings of emptiness. It especially hurts me when I start losing feelings for my girlfriend **** (new girlfriend). We are preparing for marriage, and live in celibacy and faith. Please, Jesus, help me strengthen my love, I wouldn' t wang to lose that due to my illness.  Please help us and make my feelings stable." The day that he wrote that was 20.10. In the beginning of september, we were still together and engaged!

This is a woman from his narc harem. He met her once (she lives 100 of miles away) and has been communicating with her via messages. I remember his mom told me that his ex was angry because he was communicating with her.

He told me about her early in our relationship. She is 14 years older than him, lives thousands of miles away, and he met her on a formal occasion.  He said she helped him immensely during his illness- she prayed for him, went to churches, asked priests to pray for him, sent him gifts that he liked. (He even put a gift from her in my apartment when he moved in with me on a shelf. Oh my God.) They are both extremely religious. And basically religious hipocrites.

So, 2 months after our engagement, he sent her a message that he didn't want to communice with her ever again. Out of the blue. Harsh and cruel behaviour, I know. I asked him why did he do that, he said that he wanted to show his loyalty and devotion to me and cut all ties with other woman even though they were platonic.

What happened next ruined our relationship.
In short, she said that she is utterly disappointed and that she hasn't deserved that. She revealed to him she was in love with him, but because she is much older, she didn't want to make the first move.

That put him in crisis. He started crying and said he doesn't know whether he loves me still or not, that something inside died.

That was the beginning of the end. Ofc I was crushed, soul shattered. I returned him his ring and make him move out of my apartment. Later, he blamed ME that hurt him a lot. Of course, classic BPD. I left my fiance for him, and he blamed me for getting hurt after he said he doesn't love because of something his so called platonic friend said to him.

Truth to be told, I was worried for his this last 45 days. I thought he sank into the depression or something again.

But, no, he and that lady obviously became a couple in the meanwhile.  And got engaged. I don't know are they in LDR of has she bought him a ticket so he can come there.

This is so surreal. He still has our engagement photos on his social media and hasn't posted since then. That's why I thought he was hurting. Haven't I found that site with prayers I would have never known. I would be so utterly humiliated had I by any chance and stupidity reached out to him, only for him to put me down that he is engaged now and that he doesn't want to speak to me again (as he did to her when he was with me).

I read many similar stories- about BPD exes moving very quickly with somebody new, but whom they knew before. I know it's very common for BPDs, but it still shocked me.

Please, I need reassurance that he didn't change and can't change and that I am the lucky one for getting away. I know all of that is true, but I have to read it from somebody else for that thought to really sinks in.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi,

Thanks for the update.  It's both sad and potentially positive news rolled into one.  In many ways knowing my ex had moved into another r/s helped my detaching along.  It still hurt, but it also was a relief.  About whether he can change in this new r/s.  To be straight, his coping mechanisms which stem from his deep fears of abandonment and engulfment will remain until such time as he does serious therapy and applies these new approaches to his reactions to perceived threats to his stability. 

I doubt that any other person will become the magic cure if that is what you are asking.  It takes real commitment to put in the necessary effort to change by working through therapy and being consistent in putting the learnings to use.  The BPD will not disappear.  He can learn to cope with it better, if he chooses to.  This can take a very long time. 

Any r/s with a pwBPD is going to have difficulties and some partners are more able to handle these than others.  Perhaps they have honed their communication skills, learned all the techniques, have previous experience of how to de escalate the dysregulation or are just of a more suited temperament to the pwBPD.  It's not going to be plain sailing though.  The process of idealisation devaluation and discard is pretty set.  Some couples can find ways to make it work, and a lot of compromise and work on both sides is necessary for that.  Like any r/s breakup, sometimes another individual can be a better fit for that person.  But will he change overnight?  No.  He is still himself with all of his fears.  They go back a long way.

This wasn't right for you.  Now that you have learned about this, use it to fuel you on to detaching and healing so that you can begin the process of moving on and starting a new life without dysfunction in it.  There is much to be learned in this process and it is well worth the effort to be thorough for yourself.  Try to stay off the searches now and put it behind you.  I know it's hard.

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi itgetsbetter94,

Intimacy doesn’t cure the disorder it triggers it. I agree with Harley Quinn, every r/s is different with different people, she may be more tolerating or she may not, it’s their r/s, what remains constant if he’s not getting help for himself is the dysfunction, it will transfer from one r/s to the next.  I’d feel anxious  that he’s going to move on to someone else though if he gets attached quickly.

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you, friends!

She is more tolerating, I think. I don't know much about her but he told me that she is quite timid, private person. I even spoke to her once when he was having a breakdown, begging her to talk to him and soothe him. She has very calm voice. I believe she is very calm and maybe she. Polar opposite of me.

I saw her pictures. I don't want to sound vain, but she is not the kind of person that would make a woman feel jealous.  So I hadn't perceived her as a threat at all.

Last time I taked to my ex about her, he said he was feeling sorry for her. That she is so introverted and shy, she hasn't had anyone in a long time, that she will remain childless and alone and that he feels he owes her something. There was no true passion on his side though.

As I said, they are both religious and decided to be celibate until the marriage (if it happens).

This is so mind boggling to me. When we were together,we had an amazing sex life, both him and me were passionate and lively and completely infatuated one with another. As I wrote, this lady is a polar opposite of him.

Maybe in the long run, she is better for him. Maybe she could tolarate more bs. As he wrote in that prayer, he already questions his feelings for her.
At least I got 2 amazing months before this kind of behaviour began. And at least I got samo amazing sex and intense lovebombing. :-p I feel this poor lady got straight to him questioning himself and his feelings for her. So that's my petty silver lining.

Harley, I promise you I will stop searching. I found what I needed. As hard as it was (is), it assures me of his instability and the flakiness of his feelings, shallowness of his love and non importance of his words and promises. This killed my feelings of hope, and an idealized image of him. I now KNOW he cannot be trusted and can change in a second.

I am only sorry and mad that he ruined my life and walked away (seemingly) happier with the new love. The very last thing I ever thought of, after all the promises he said. Obviously, that meant nothing for him.

I'm starting to live again. Started working out, eating better, my mood is overall better. I' m meeting my ex-ex boyfriend (one I left for the BPD) next week for a coffee. I have to expectations, I can't have. He told me he still cares, and so do I, but I'm aware that the betrayal was too hurtful.
My therapist told me to give it some time. I have to say, I would be happy if he came back to me, because I do realise what I've lost, and there are not many men like him out there. But even if he never returns, I have to suck it up and move on.

This was the last time I searched anything about my ex BPD. I'm letting it go now.

Thank you for being huge suport and guardian angels! I hope you're healing and doing better yourselves, even though you both sound to me like people that have detached and moved on and now can help and provide valuable insight to those who are suffering.

[Harley Quinn]

Reading your posts made me smile a little as it sounds as though you are doing much better - which is always a joy to see!  I'm glad that you are recognising the good things in your life and putting the BPD into perspective.  I'm also very happy that you found us and that we're able to be here for you.  

Harley, I promise you I will stop searching.

Don't promise me - promise yourself    You deserve to be treated with care and love and that includes from yourself.  So avoid at all costs any self inflicted pain.  Sometimes it takes just one event in the whole ordeal to signify a type of closure for us, so if this is what you've experienced by looking into him then it was a worthwhile thing.  Let it go now and look ahead with intention for an emotionally healthier future.  I read somewhere the following quote:
 
Don't keep looking back to your past - you're not going that way.

Take very good care of yourself and take the time to consider what drew you into this relationship to begin with.  This is where the real learning can begin to come from this experience - when we look at ourselves and what we can change to improve our futures.  

Love and light x

[itgetsbetter94]

Well, I'm glad you're glad, dear Harley
You and Mutt helped me in my darkest times.
When I first found this forum, I was a complete mess. My hands were shaking while I was writing my first post, cried uncontrollably, couldn't write the whole story becouse the memories, and writing them down, was like pouring salt on the open wound. For month and a half I slept during the day and was awake at night. Everything was unbalanced.  
With each passing day, with each encouraging word, new knowledge of the disorder, and with a new situation (him getting engaged again in the matter of weeks, if not less)- it indeed does get better, as my nick said. Funny how I chose such a positive nick in the middle of the hell I have been.

The more time passes, I feel further away from him, more distant. As if time is building this barrier between me and him.
I know, each thim I "glance" over his social media, I'm ruining this wall, which indeed needs to be built, and needs to be strong, tall and permanent. So, I won't self sabotage myself no more. I won't overthink why he has our pictures still, and why do people still think we are a couple.  That has probably something to do with his disorder. I can't make sense out of the insanty.

This board is a life saver. I hope every person that gets out of the toxic relationship finds it.

I imagine what would have happened if I never knew he had BPD, what BPD is, what it does to the person and the partner, how relatively common it is, modus operandi of the disordered individual etc. Knowing about all of that, brings sort of a relief, if I can call it relief.