I finally did it

[epicdaydream]

I am here in bed, in my own apartment, staring at the ceiling. It's quiet. I have no one pushing me, telling me to move or getting up and turning on the lights like I don't even matter that in sleeping or half awake. I have no one getting out of bed without even acknowledging I exist. Or jumping on the phone and talking to people regardless of sleep with my eyes closed. I am finally here, feeling my surroundings without a sigh of saddness. The choices I lost are now back in front of me. Do I get up? Do I sleep? 


I spent 3 years on eggs. Balaclncing myself of, concentrating not to fall. I was thrown every bad word, situation you can even imagine. I was hit, punched, kicked, slapped, stabbed, objects thrown at me, hair pulled, told every nasty thing you can come up with. Reality begins to shake itself when these things happen, you dont know if its really your fault, you dont know if they are real. It's one big mind crush. Your eyes roll back and you no longer can see straight... .your brain is squeezed and for me, I relied only on my heart ... .3 years i stayed. 


Nothing I did ever mattered. I can't begin to tell you about all the money. That was a sensitive subject, too real for her to handle and 9/10 if ever brought up, I physical altercation would follow. I was simply to be quiet, and do what a man should do. And I did to the best of my ability. I took care of her when she was sick, I massaged her every night I was with her for three years. Three years I never had one massage done to me. Three years she watched whatever she wanted and maybe I chose 4 movies that she would 10/10 tell me they were bad.


We were engaged.  And I backed out when my gut told me something didn't feel right. It breaks my heart... .She is not from the usa and I wanted to give her a new life ... .But at the cost of what . ... my own. I felt guilt that this happened. And I thought, I thought that she could have loved me. But, she just criticized, demeaned me, belittled,  I was always compared to other men ... .my soul drained and drained and I tried and tried and tried ... .no one understand how I lasted ... .I don't either.


This is just a touch of what I went through. I finally sent her an email saying I don't want anything to do with her anymore ... .we do not lived together now but have twice moved in ... .And she tried calling me but I didn't pick up. She even told me many times that it was my fault for picking up her calls that we were still together ... .even my fault. Everything was my fault. And so, for the first time, I went silent ... .


This was two days ago. I've heard nothing since and I'm ok with it. I'm done with the games. The 3 year ___ tests. The lies. The abuse. And I'm laying here in silence for once. I can feel my heart, it's so soft but it's there. I don't wish this on anyone and if there was a cure for her, I would be the first to tell her about it. But there is no cure. And I became blinded and sick and isolated.


2 days vs 3 years in. I feel better than I have and I hope, but doubt, she will never reach out again. We had beautiful moments of normalcy... .moments ... .But endless days of he'll, saddness and just cruel. I wish it was different . ... And at least I'm here in bed and I regret nothing I did, I loved her and never betrayed her.


Thanks for listening.

"I wish you still happiness and love and peace with all my being. May God bless you regardless of what you do and show you a path towards whatever you need. I am happy this has ended and want nothing else to do with you. Please respect this much."

[Sadly]

Hello you 
Change she for he and all the words you have written are mine. Finding yourself again is a wonderful thing. Enjoying the tiredness normal living brings and not the exhaustion of living with a BPD is a wonderful thing. Life itself can be a wonderful thing. I wish for you these wonderful things and the many more you are about to rediscover 
X

[Mutt]

Hi epicdaydream,

Not sure why i did this but i thought i could help her resolve her issues by marrying her.

I'd like to echo Sadly, I see myself thinking that when my ex turns 30 maybe she'll grow up, if I marry her maybe she'll grow up.

If you look at yourself at who you were then and who you are today, judging by your thread title and breaking free, there's growth there, although you went through a lot, more than anyone should, I'm glad for you that you're slowly getting out of the FOG.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi epic,

Well done.  That was a very difficult thing to do and I'm glad that you feel relief for taking care of yourself now.  It's great to hear that you can appreciate the things that others take for granted - the people who haven't been where we have.  That you can rest easy with a clear conscience.   

Over time you will notice that the whole world seems more wondrous because of the differences you will become aware of.  I can remember putting all the knives back into the block (from the locked cupboard I'd had to store them in - bit difficult to explain when my parents came over for Christmas dinner that the carving knife was upstairs... . ) and how elated I felt to have that first real glimpse of normality.  The peace and quiet.  Being able to do something - anything I wanted - without having to explain myself, prove I wasn't betraying him somehow, or just dealing with a meltdown for no apparent reason.  I derive joy from feeling safe, free and at ease.  This is a gift.  A whole new appreciation for life.  I wish you strength and unwavering resolve in your decision.  Now you will begin to heal and can find further gifts in that process.  Stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.

Love and light x