From Bad to Worse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This Friday I found out my dBPDw is having an affair. She moved out about a month ago and now is seeing some guy from her home town on the weekends.

Meanwhile, she spends the week trying to see me as much as possible and telling me how much she still loves and misses me. She spent a very nice day with me Friday doing things. She came over to the house and we talked, laughed and had a really nice time. She even cleaned and vacuumed even though she does not live here anymore. Then she left to go home because she had "things to do". Turns out the boyfriend was coming to her place for the weekend. Then today, after spending the weekend screwing another man,  she begged me to come to an outing she put together for our D13's girl scout troop as if nothing happened.

I confronted her about it when I found out Friday and she admitted to it. I found out from another source that she has told him we have already filed, even though we haven't. She told him she will move down there to marry him the minute the divorce is final, even though there is no way she would leave the kids or this area. Basically she is just stringing him along to get the most out of a romantic fantasy. And I suppose, stringing me along as well.

When asked why, she flies into a rage over every past hurt she can think of. Any of my family members she can target. And demands to know what she is going to do for money. This morning she raging about the fact she wanted a Keurig when they first came out and we did not get one, and that is why the affair. I believe this is just a romantic fantization to cope with pain of not being able to let of of any and all past hurts from our relationship. But I just cannot deal with it.

My son14 and D12 know about it, as she called screaming over the house phone and it was recorded on the answering machine. S14 sent her a text "how dare you cheat on dad!" just before we left for Church this AM. She went ballistic. Funny, she text me that she is a slut and worthless for doing this, but can't take hearing it from someone else.  

I sent her an email this AM telling her that she moved out on her own and that she owns the financial problems it is causing. And that she chose to have an affair and she owns those consequences, as well. That I will no longer be part of her life. 

She has begged me not to file for divorce. But I am going to have to do that this week. I see no choice. I have not slept or ate since Friday evening. It's killing me.

[Cole]

This Friday I found out my dBPDw is having an affair. She moved out about a month ago and now is seeing some guy from her home town on the weekends.

Meanwhile, she spends the week trying to see me as much as possible and telling me how much she still loves and misses me. She spent a very nice day with me Friday doing things. She came over to the house and we talked, laughed and had a really nice time. She even cleaned and vacuumed even though she does not live here anymore. Then she left to go home because she had "things to do". Turns out the boyfriend was coming to her place for the weekend. Then today, after spending the weekend screwing another man,  she begged me to come to an outing she put together for our D13's girl scout troop as if nothing happened.

I confronted her about it when I found out Friday and she admitted to it. I found out from another source that she has told him we have already filed, even though we haven't. She told him she will move down there to marry him the minute the divorce is final, even though there is no way she would leave the kids or this area. Basically she is just stringing him along to get the most out of a romantic fantasy. And I suppose, stringing me along as well.

When asked why, she flies into a rage over every past hurt she can think of. Any of my family members she can target. And demands to know what she is going to do for money. This morning she raging about the fact she wanted a Keurig when they first came out and we did not get one, and that is why the affair. I believe this is just a romantic fantization to cope with pain of not being able to let of of any and all past hurts from our relationship. But I just cannot deal with it.

My son14 and D12 know about it, as she called screaming over the house phone and it was recorded on the answering machine. S14 sent her a text "how dare you cheat on dad!" just before we left for Church this AM. She went ballistic. Funny, she text me that she is a slut and worthless for doing this, but can't take hearing it from someone else.  

I sent her an email this AM telling her that she moved out on her own and that she owns the financial problems it is causing. And that she chose to have an affair and she owns those consequences, as well. That I will no longer be part of her life. 

She has begged me not to file for divorce. But I am going to have to do that this week. I see no choice. I have not slept or ate since Friday evening. It's killing me.

[Cole]

And now a text that I win because D13 will not speak to her.

Let's see. You are cheating on her daddy. And she knows from attending a Catholic school what you are doing is a major sin.

No wonder.

I told her if she wants to continue on a self destructive road that is her choice but to please leave the kids out of it. 

[hope2727]

So sorry you are experiencing this. There are many good people here. I understand how difficult the end of these relationships can be on everyone. I highly suggest a therapist for you and the kids ASAP. There is a ton of good advice on the legal boards if that is the way you are sure you are headed. Either way please keep posting and get the support you need. Hugs

[Cole]

So sorry you are experiencing this. There are many good people here. I understand how difficult the end of these relationships can be on everyone. I highly suggest a therapist for you and the kids ASAP. There is a ton of good advice on the legal boards if that is the way you are sure you are headed. Either way please keep posting and get the support you need. Hugs

Thanks for the support. I have decided that my number one goal in this right now is to do whatever I can to protect the kids.

D12 is just internalizing it and acting very passive aggressive toward W. Think I will get her an appointment with a T to deal with all this.

S14 is on the autistic spectrum and does not handle change well. He is really acting out. He has a counselor and fortunately an appointment already this week.

I started seeing a counselor when she got really ill (almost constant dysreg) about a month and a half ago. He is out of town this week, so I cannot talk to him. I am scheduling an appointment with our priest. He was a LSW counselor before entering the priesthood and is really helpful.  

I guess the weird thing is that during the week she acted like there is nothing wrong. Then spent the weekend with her boy friend. Then, as soon as he is gone, she acts like there is nothing wrong again. WTH? It is like she is switching between two different realities.

S14 just told me W promised him she is not going to marry this guy and move away. More craziness.

[formflier]

Keep copies of all texts and voicemails.

I think you need to file to get temp order in place.

[hope2727]

Sounds like you are doing the right things. I am glad you have counselling in place. Bear in mind that not all counsellors are familiar with personality disorders. The ones who aren't can do more harm than good. Always good to get a 2nd perspective if you don't think your therapist is "getting it".

As for legal advice. start documenting everything. Who where when how etc. Create a massive paper trail starting immediately. I could go into more detail if you like but there are tons of posts about this if you search it. There are also good book references on the subject of divorcing a disordered person.

As for her acting "normal". Important thing a psychologist taught me was the sooner you stop expecting her to act normal/rational the better off you will be. You can logic a broken brain.

ok i'm off to bed. keep posting

[formflier]

Cole,

I had to cut short my previous post.

I'm so sorry that things have gotten to this point.   

If you can find time to be extra kind to yourself, that will go a long way.

Hang in there man... .we are rooting for you as you try to protect your family.

FF

[Notwendy]

And now a text that I win because D13 will not speak to her.



Just a note that this is about the age I started to get into the drama triangle big time with my parents. Adolescents begin to get a grasp on abstract thinking- and ( while it may take a while for some to learn to behave) an internal sense of right and wrong.

It wasn't cheating but in general, my BPD mother's behavior wasn't in accordance with the behaviors I knew as right or wrong. I was supposed to behave in certain ways- and she wasn't. Yet she was the adult and I was supposed to listen to her or respect her? Oh heck no. I did not.

So she'd run to my father to complain about my behavior and it became a triangle.

Your kids are teens. They know how people should behave, and then they see their mother do something they know isn't right. They are going to be shocked, angry, and not want to listen to her.

The other thing is that my mother saw her adolescent children as peers. So if my parents were having issues, she confided in me. That was still the triangle. Some of it was TMI- about their sexual issues.

What your wife did is adult content. Yes the kids know, but when she confides in them " I am not going to marry that man" she is sharing adult behavior of a sexual nature and this is TMI, even emotionally incestuous.

I agree with getting a counselor. Kids know abstractly that their parents have to have had sex or they wouldn't be here, but they don't like to think about it or discuss their parents' sex lives. Yet, they know and I think speaking to a counselor will give them a way to express their feelings and stay out of the triangle with the two of you.

[babyducks]

Hi Cole,

I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this.    It's unbelievably difficult.  I went through some crazy stuff with my ex partner but thankfully it was just her and I, no other parties involved and thank G-d no kids.

... .when she got really ill (almost constant dysreg) about a month and a half ago. ... .
I guess the weird thing is that during the week she acted like there is nothing wrong. Then spent the weekend with her boy friend. Then, as soon as he is gone, she acts like there is nothing wrong again. WTH? It is like she is switching between two different realities.

I picked up on this in what you wrote.    My partner could and did become frankly psychotic when she experienced long periods of emotional dysregulation.    When she didn't or couldn't return to emotional baseline for weeks at a time, her crying jags would stretch to days not hours and her sleep would disappear so did her contact with reality.     

That's why they named it borederline after all,   because it's on the border between psychosis and neurosis.

for my ex partner delusions where part and parcel of that.    occasionally but much more rarely hallucinations.    I also got the messages of 'you win my life is over and you got what you wanted'.   those messages stretched to include a family member 'you tell ~family member~ she won, she won't have to share you'.    which was pretty distorted and not so much in contact with reality.

I think it's a great step to work to protect your kids and to provide them the tools to be emotionally resilient in the face of chaotic behavior.   

I understand why it would be hard to sleep or eat since this news broke.   It's a horrible shock.    It's a body blow.     How are you doing with the sleeping and eating now?

what I was told here is than when things got this chaotic was to go back to basics,   sleep, eat, find a way to decompress even if for only 30 minutes.    Look for a way to give your mind a mini break, a distraction.    managing the stress levels is important.

'ducks

[Cole]

I picked up on this in what you wrote.    My partner could and did become frankly psychotic when she experienced long periods of emotional dysregulation.    When she didn't or couldn't return to emotional baseline for weeks at a time, her crying jags would stretch to days not hours and her sleep would disappear so did her contact with reality.    

That's why they named it borederline after all,   because it's on the border between psychosis and neurosis.
 

Her contact with reality is really slipping. She has no idea why I don't want to see her. No idea why I am hurt and mad.

Today she was on a rampage about D12. Said D12 has no right to be mad at her for cheating because she does things like buy her snack cakes and take her to girl scouts. Yeah, that makes up for abandoning your daughter. Buy her some snack cakes.

I guess S14 called her and cussed her out. W does not think he had that right. After all she made cookies for him to take to camp. So, cheating on his dad is forgiven with chocolate chips?

Then this afternoon she sent me two text to tell the kids she loved them and that she hope they will forgive her for what she is about to do, but she sees no other way. In light of past suicide attempts, I called the police and they went to her apartment. They were concerned enough to call the squad. EMS did a psych eval but had nothing to justify an involuntary eval and let her go.      

I understand why it would be hard to sleep or eat since this news broke.   It's a horrible shock.    It's a body blow.     How are you doing with the sleeping and eating now?

Have not ate or slept since Friday. Living on coffee and adrenaline. Thank you for being concerned, I really need that from someone right now. My T and my priest are both on vacation this week. go figure.

I am angry at myself for missing her. Angry for still wanting her back. Why the hell do I?

[formflier]

I am angry at myself for missing her. Angry for still wanting her back. Why the hell do I?

Because you do... .

It doesn't have to be explained... it just is.  

All kinds of theories can be figured out about why and how your feelings got to this point, what I hope you can focus on, is that they are at that point.  Somewhere in there is some sadness... some grieving.

I used to run from grieving, especially grieving my relationship with my wife.  I don't want to overstate and say that I've "embraced that", but I certainly stay with those feelings when they come up.

Solid move on the call for assistance.  You have taken care of her... .now can you focus on taking care of you?

The world will likely look different with a good nights sleep.  You need a clear head to sort out the next step or two.

 

Hang in there man...

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Her contact with reality is really slipping. She has no idea why I don't want to see her. No idea why I am hurt and mad.

I'm so sorry, Cole. I do understand the compartmentalizing that she does, as if her behavior doesn't affect you, the kids, anyone else but her. My ex-husband did this too. And he could smoothly shift gears after sneaking away and having sex with some woman, he'd show up at home and act as if nothing was out of the ordinary. He was so good at this, I never knew what he was doing until he'd confess much later and explain about "the car trouble" or whatever other excuse he had given me.

I know it's no comfort, but I think underlying that bad behavior are feelings of self loathing and worthlessness. When those feelings get triggered, pwBPD attempt to remediate the pain by engaging in more extreme acting out, as you are now seeing with your wife.

The suicide threats seemed to occur when my ex had hit bottom and he was desperate to know that someone cared about him, as flawed as he felt at that time.

You are doing all you can in this untenable disruption that she is creating. I'm glad you called the police. Now put down the cup of coffee and make your way to bed. You deserve rest. Remember you've got to put on your oxygen mask first before you can help others. The kids are counting on you to be the stabilizing force. Take care of yourself.   

[Cole]

Solid move on the call for assistance.  You have taken care of her... .now can you focus on taking care of you?

FF

Thanks FF. I know I need to. Just too damn upset.

I know it's no comfort, but I think underlying that bad behavior are feelings of self loathing and worthlessness. When those feelings get triggered, pwBPD attempt to remediate the pain by engaging in more extreme acting out, as you are now seeing with your wife.

Wow. She has told me several times the affair has to do with self loathing and worthlessness, feeling unloveable.  I thought it was a BS excuse, but you may be onto something here.

And thank you for your concern, as well. With T and Father both out of town I really need some support.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow. She has told me several times the affair has to do with self loathing and worthlessness, feeling unloveable.  I thought it was a BS excuse, but you may be onto something here.


Yep. All three pwBPD in my life have confessed to hating themselves and feeling worthless. My ex, who acted out in big ways, seemed to follow a cycle:

1.  Day to day nastiness and abuse
2.  Upping the ante on #1
3.  Acting out big time (reckless spending, drug use, infidelity)
4a. Contrition (if not too dysregulated)
 or
4b.Suicide threats (then contrition)
5.  Promises never to do "it" again
6.  Rinse, repeat

He did the same thing to his next girlfriend. She said, "He is holding me hostage" with his suicide threats and asked my advice. Also she acknowledged that she caught him going online trying to hook up with other women.

Thankfully my current husband doesn't act out like this, but he has been abusive of alcohol and prescription drugs. Lately he's been much better, but life has been smoother, so there's not as much outside stimuli to trigger him going off the rails.

But it's the same dynamic. They feel so incredibly uncomfortable in their skin that they have to do something to distract themselves from the internal pain. Then they feel even more self loathing and worthless, which leads them to do something else unadvisable.


 

[Cole]

1.  :)ay to day nastiness and abuse
2.  Upping the ante on #1
3.  Acting out big time (reckless spending, drug use, infidelity)
4a. Contrition (if not too dysregulated)
 or
4b.Suicide threats (then contrition)
5.  Promises never to do "it" again
6.  Rinse, repeat

But it's the same dynamic. They feel so incredibly uncomfortable in their skin that they have to do something to distract themselves from the internal pain. Then they feel even more self loathing and worthless, which leads them to do something else unadvisable.  

Thank you for sharing CF. This makes so much sense.

She has said she is having the affair because I treat her differently than my x-wife, my family is mean to her,. etc... .All perceptions based on small events blown out of proportion or created in her mind.

I am sure this is a "self medication" affair, step 3 in the process you state above. She has specifically used the terms "uncomfortable in my own skin" and "self loathing" many times in the past few days. She is really screwed up. She had him at her place for the weekend and somehow managed to text me over 260 times while he was there, trying to engage me in every past hurt she could think of.

She did a very poor job of covering it up, as if she wanted me to find out. Bizarre as it sounds, it is as if she is doing this because she wants to improve our relationship but is going about it in the worst way possible. 

I called her just for the purpose of making sure she was not suicidal and may have fooled the medics. We ended up talking for an hour. I asked some questions so I know more about the situation when I contact my attorney and eventually get to talk to T.

Me: Do you want to try to fix our marriage?  
Her: I do not have enough information.

Me: Do you want to have a future with him?
Her: I do not have enough information.

Me: Do you want me to begin divorce proceedings so we can stop living in limbo? (I am anyways)
Her: I do not have enough information. Let's wait a while, please.

Me: People are going to figure out very soon we are not together. We should probably let our closer friends know.  
Her: No, I have not told anyone. I don't want to. I still talk about you all the time. I was telling people at work today how wonderful you were when Kahless (dog) was sick and you would carry her out to the yard and back. I am so proud of you. You were a great police officer. She went on and on about how she talks about me all day to coworkers.

Aside from one friend who is nuts enough to make W look sane, no one knows about the affair and she isn't planning on telling anyone.  This confidant is a big concern, she is a former stripper who cheated on her husband with multiple men until the day he died and will screw anyone. I cannot understand how W got mixed up with this woman for a friend. She does not fit the mold of all W's other friends.  

Well, 230AM here. going to attempt sleep.

[formflier]

I'm really hoping you got some sleep!

My guess is that this is some kind of big picture push pull to "tell" you something that she can't really articulate.  The part that she can articulate is likely the tip of the iceberg.

She is likely telling you how she feels by projecting onto you. 

I know you know this... .many times when I've been low on sleep or otherwise wrapped up in my relationship dysfunction I can loose sight of this and get all twisted up... .or more precisely... .more twisted up than I should be.

One of the conundrums we all face... .we know we shouldn't take these things personally... .yet... .when we examine our feelings and you look at the situation... .these are incredibly personal things

How on earth we navigate that conundrum and maintain our sanity... .is... .well that may the THE problem we all have to solve.

Certainly not suggesting that I've solved it.

Let's get back to what is important.  Really hoping you got a good nights sleep.  What can you do today to be especially kind to yourself?

FF

[babyducks]

Hi Cole

I too hope you got some sleep and had something decent for breakfast.   I don't mind telling you that when things got especially difficult with my ex partner and I couldn't sleep I had to create an internal boundary,  a line in the sand, where if I hadn't slept in X amount of days I would do something to knock myself out for a little while.     Sometimes we need a little help.  I took some medication very sparingly.

She has said she is having the affair because I treat her differently than my x-wife, my family is mean to her,. etc... .All perceptions based on small events blown out of proportion or created in her mind.

Right,   I am sure they are, created in her mind.    I know you know this but that doesn't make them any less real for her.  For me, because my partner's reality could become so disconnected from anything that I could observe,  I could grow frustrated.   I fell into the trap of believing she was deliberating choosing to believe the delusions and the distortions.   I sometimes failed to recognize that the deliberate choice she needed to make was the other way around, to decide the evidence of her own mind was unreal.    That must be a horrible place to be.    My partner told me once that she knew her mind told her things that were not true.   She also said the worst part was never knowing which part of her internal voice to believe, the part that told her 'ducks was evil, or that 'ducks was okay to trust.   

somehow managed to text me over 260 times while he was there, trying to engage me in every past hurt she could think of.

260 times.   sounds to me like she is still very very dsyregulated and trying like mad to off load her chaotic emotions any way she can.    Did you respond?


 

Her: I do not have enough information.

Boy I have seldom seen clearer evidence of the executive function of pwBPD collapsing than this conversation.   This could be right out of text book.   For what it's worth I would like to make a suggestion, and it's only a suggestion.   You are boots on the ground, you know best.   

My partner was diagnosed Bipolar 1 and something else probably BPD.   My partner definitely had the cognitive deficits that come with Bipolar 1.   In other words she had serious difficulties with planning, organizing, and thinking things through.    In a mood swing she had dulled or compromised thinking processes.    Once she couldn't come up with the month of the year we were in.   More frequently it was about money, figuring out a budget was literally beyond her in complexity.

Anyhow my suggestion would be to not push for answers just now.    I understand you need answers and deserve them.    I understand it has to be beyond frustrating to hear "I don't have enough information".   I am suggesting you take her response at face value.   At some level she is aware she can't process life, and is communicating that.   The more this dysregulation runs wild for her the harder it will be for her to come back to some semblance of normalcy.   In bipolar it's called the kindling effect.   works in epilepsy too.    basically it means the brain is so on fire, it will light up without a trigger and be harder to put out.

just my two cents, from my experience.



'ducks

[Cole]

My guess is that this is some kind of big picture push pull to "tell" you something that she can't really articulate.  The part that she can articulate is likely the tip of the iceberg.

260 times.   sounds to me like she is still very very dsyregulated and trying like mad to off load her chaotic emotions any way she can.    :)id you respond?
 
Boy I have seldom seen clearer evidence of the executive function of pwBPD collapsing than this conversation.  

Both making sense here.

We had a chance to talk for a while today. She said she misses me and loves me. and that much of her stuff is still here because she thinks she may move back at some point.

However, when I ask her about the affair, she starts to dysreg. She states she is having the affair because there are two of her. One who knows I love her. A second who believes I never did, and that is the one having the affair. I guess that makes sense to the BPD/bipolar mind (she has both dx) but not to me.

She also states the affair is temporary. When I asked what she means by that she said she had no long term plan. In other words, I am not going to stop but I don't plan to stay with him.  

Also said she does not want to tell anyone we are separated. Eventually they will start to figure this out.

I am in more turmoil than before we spoke.

[Notwendy]

Cole,
I understand the need to ask her about the affair but from my experience ( not with affairs but other hurtful behavior )such direct confrontation has either triggered a dysregulation or some spontaneous response to manage the feelings this brings up.

Either way, it won't give you the answers you seek in the moment.

I agree that this needs to be worked on- an affair is a major event in a marriage and family. However, in the moment, you are (understandably) strung out.

PwBPD have difficulty managing their own feelings. Right now, in the moment, your own feelings are haywire as is expected. This is not a good set up for discussing something really difficult with a person who has poor emotional regulation skills. It isn't likely to help you with your feelings.

I have observed that there are some relationship mechanisms someone with BPD falls back on. They do not fully resolve the issue. One is the "pretend it didn't happen". This one is hard to do when there is absolute evidence. The other is " see I am good now" doing something good that is expected to somehow magically erase what happened . Like baking the cookies for your child. A third is to blame it on you, or something else that somehow makes it OK.

Neither of these mechanisms are going to really give you the answers or resolutions you want in the moment.
I think people in relationships with someone with BPD sometimes choose to go along with one of these mechanisms. All is OK now ,it didn't happen, we are good now. This works for a while and for some things that may not be worth making an issue of. Full resolution takes work and time, and may or may not be possible.

Although I didn't deal with cheating in my marriage, I found that discussing tough topics didn't lead to resolution for me. It either got us into the drama triangle or some circular discussion. For me, I decided I will not bring these things up outside of a counselor's office. An MC served in different ways but one was to keep the focus and manage the emotionality for us. Neither of us had the skills to have such discussions on our own. I think the children may face the same mechanisms if they confront their mother. It will feel invalidating to them.

I can bring things up now but it took work and training on the part of the T - for me. I had to learn to hold on to my own feelings during the discussion and not discuss things when I am upset. I had to learn to take care of me- my feelings before I could manage the emotionality these types of discussions can lead to. This took a lot of time for me. I don't know if we could have managed something like infidelity but if we did, it would have also taken this kind of intervention and time before having such difficult discussions.

IMHO, I agree with focusing on your feelings and the children right now and not try to seek answers by bring the affair up with your wife. This is not to deny that it happened, it did, and it has disrupted the family. IMHO such serious issues are better handled with the help of a therapist or counselor who has experience with these situation. He/she can be a support to you, and also the children ( individually or together). The counselor can also facilitate discussions with your wife.

[formflier]

Cole,

Can you share how much sleep you have had in last couple nights?  What can be done to improve that?

 

I'm not a police officer... .I've been the "lead investigator" on a number of Navy issues, so it would be correct to say I had military police working for me.  I'm going to try an brand new analogy... .let me know what you think.

I'm going to suggest that you consider talking to your pwBPD like an interrogation.  Please assume someone else has already been the bad cop.  You can be the good cop, be friendly, listen validate and ask very indirect questions.  "Talk around" things... vice ask direct things (like about the affair).

I'm hoping that tactic will actually get you more "usable" information (usually you get more info with "honey" rather than threats... right?)

Then... .there is another big question here of what are you going to do with this information?  No rush to answer that question, but we do need to think about the questions that need consideration.

Hang in there man... .

FF

[babyducks]

Hi Cole,

I want to say I can see how hard you are working for your family and I can appreciate how difficult this is.  I think you are doing a good job in horrible circumstances.   

I am going to echo NotWendy when she said:

I found that discussing tough topics didn't lead to resolution for me.

they didn't for me either.    Resolution is difficult to come by in any relationship and in relationships like ours doubly so.   

 I am really going to suggest giving yourself a day off, a 24 hour vacation from discussing this with your wife because like you said

However, when I ask her about the affair, she starts to dysreg

Let yourself rest.   Give her time to return to emotional baseline.  Do what FF suggests, give yourself a day off,   take the kids to the local park, play soccer... .whatever they like to do.   They need a break from the emotional stress they have been living with too.

Taking a day off doesn't mean you are giving up or accepting anything.    just a 24 hour moratorium from having this sharp stick poke you in the eye.     

I am in more turmoil than before we spoke.

of course you are.  there is no way you couldn't be.  but that turmoil is telling you something.   it's telling you, that right now, you are at the end of your rope and need a break.   

please take care of yourself first.   put that oxygen mask on yourself first - okay?

'ducks

[Cole]

I really appreciate your concern, all of you. The two people who I desperately need to talk to are my T and my Priest. Both are out of town this week and I am barely holding onto my own sanity. Thank you all.

On top of all that I witnessed an accident where a 7 year old girl was killed by a car Monday. It brought back a flood of memories: pulling dead children out of mangled cars, men killing themselves with guns in front of their families, the atrocities people wage against each other that police officers deal with daily. I never shed a tear for those victims. I couldn't or I would have gone crazy. Write the report, go on to the next call. It all came back in a big wave the past couple days. I cannot get those memories out of my head.

So, now on top of the affair, I think I am dealing with some form of PTSD. Can't wait to see T next week.    

W is calling and texting. I told her unless it is business (kids, money, etc... .) I will not respond. I  cannot see or talk to her now. I desperately need my wife, but she has been replaced in my mind by someone else's girlfriend.

[babyducks]

Hey Cole,

You have been living under a very heavy stress load for a long time.    If it does turn out that you have a stress disorder going on, I can tell you that they are much better understood then they were even a couple of years ago.   There are some very good and easy to find resources available.     Many folks report good results over time.

How are you doing today?

'ducks

[Cole]

Hey Cole,

You have been living under a very heavy stress load for a long time.    If it does turn out that you have a stress disorder going on, I can tell you that they are much better understood then they were even a couple of years ago.   There are some very good and easy to find resources available.     Many folks report good results over time.

How are you doing today?

'ducks

Thanks 'ducks. Feeling a little better today.

I guess I have known for a while I have something along the lines of PTSD. Wife has always accused me of being emotionally shut down and guarded. An emotionally unavailable H and an over emotional W sounds like a bad combination. Will discuss with T now that it really came to the front this week.

It does not excuse the affair, but I can see how if I have truly made myself emotionally unavailable to W it could cause problems.

[formflier]

 
So... .I have PTSD.  Largely well controlled.  I'm conscientious about situations that can be triggering, stressful... .etc etc and plan well for them... or avoid if unnecessary.

I see or talk to my P weekly, sometimes more depending on whatever drama comes up... .  Much of what we talk about is thinking about my triggers and being empathetic to others... .to keep my emotions "soft"... ."pliable"

I'm pretty much to the place where PTSD is another part of my life... .another part of my body that seems to work right... .but... sorta kinda not really.

Just like there are "strategies" and "therapies" to keep my back  and other joints the best they can be... I take a similar approach to PTSD and "emotional wellness"

Last night, P gave me very specific instructions on how to take a walk.  She wanted me to walk and breathe in a particular rhythm.  I was suspicious... .but it worked!

More later.

Hang in there man.

FF

[Red5]

@Cole,

I have been reading your post, and I (we) want you to know that we are very sorry that you and your family are going through this, it’s not fair.
Please know that you and your family are in our thoughts, and prayers. I too have lived through this scenario, in my first marriage, and I know how it hurts, and how debilitating emotionally, and mentally this can be.
I too had children, three in fact, two boys and a daughter, and it was not easy, my situation went back and forth, and went on for several years, until I finally had enough and went through with ending the marriage, divorce is nothing to be entered into lightly, divorce is irrevocable, and permanent. And when children are involved, it is much harder.
My best advice to a fellow traveler is this, take care of yourself, and your children first and foremost, ensure you rest, and eat, and exercise, so that you are alert, healthy, and able to provide for your teenage children, they will need you, and they will gravitate towards the more stable parent in these situations.
Keep records, of financial, texts, phone records, and keep a dairy or everyday events and conversations, this will be very helpful later on.
Try your best to keep a level head through all of this; again, I know it is not easy.
Please keep us posted, and again, take good care of yourself, your heart, your mind, and your ability to take care of your children.
V/R Red5

[Cole]

Not excusing her infidelity. But I do recognize I have been emotionally unavailable to her. It has been an ongoing complaint of hers since early in our marriage. I expect the ladies on this board can understand what she is saying. I chose not to hear that because I was not prepared to let anyone know what is in my head. A big abandonment trigger to a pwBPD.

A lot of things I have seen and experienced but forgot, or blocked, have come into my mind as of the past few days. Triggered by that child being run over. My T is out of town, but I called a pastoral counselor I once met from a local PD. He suggested I am dealing with something called cumulative PTSD, a common issue with police officers who work the high crime area I used to.

So, holding on until I see T. Putting marital issues on back burner right now. This has to take precedence.

[babyducks]

Hi Cole,

but I called a pastoral counselor I once met from a local PD. He suggested I am dealing with something called cumulative PTSD, a common issue with police officers who work the high crime area I used to.

So, holding on until I see T. Putting marital issues on back burner right now. This has to take precedence.

I think you are completely right, totally correct.   It's a good idea to put the marital issues on hold until you feel more centered, more comfortable.

When I am in the middle of flashback I have a series of steps that I follow to help get me out.   I have them written down and posted on a wall.   Some times I carry them with me.

One of them is pretty simple but for me, always effective.   I force my concentration into the moment by listing all the things around me in as much detail as I can possible come up with.    So I look around and tell myself, not just coffee mug,  thumb drive, pen,  but the coffee mug I got from Dan before he retired, the blue thumb drive from Charla with the presentation on it, the pen I should really throw out because I don't use it anymore.    I let my eyes wander over my immediate environment and what ever I see I strive to describe in as much detail as I can.   It forces my mind into the present.   If that works I start to include what I can hear... .the traffic on the street,  the construction on the new building and then start to describe that in as much detail as I can.    The traffic is one of those motorcycles that the has the high pitched whine to it,  the construction sounds are a pile driver and some kind of rivet gun.    and something I can't identify... .


there is no goal to the exercise,    just a way to change focus.

'ducks

[Cat Familiar]

But I do recognize I have been emotionally unavailable to her. It has been an ongoing complaint of hers since early in our marriage. I expect the ladies on this board can understand what she is saying. I chose not to hear that because I was not prepared to let anyone know what is in my head. A big abandonment trigger to a pwBPD.


I am so sorry, Cole, and I do understand this--from my own perspective as a woman with PTSD, originating in early childhood from experiences with death and with people who had mental illness. My experiences in no way compare to yours as a police officer, but starting so young, it set a pattern in motion that I didn't realize that I had--or that other people don't have.

I've been accused of "not being emotionally available" by someone without BPD! and like you, this quality has triggered relationship partners with BPD. I think at first, it was intriguing to them because I was sort of a mystery, and they determined to overcome the challenge.

However, it ultimately caused them to fear that I would leave them, since on the surface, I didn't appear as emotionally invested as they were.

For me, it's a question of not fully trusting others with my emotions and keeping them very close to the vest. Part of it is that I'm a "thinker" rather than a "feeler" but another part is habit and a lifetime of experience with untrustworthy people, some of whom were just the people a child should have been able to trust.

Knowing what I know now, I'm not sure it's wise to totally trust a pwBPD with one's heart. I tend to let people show me who they are and incrementally let down my guard.

My ex-husband was quite astute in observing that I could be very "open" and warm on a superficial level with new acquaintances and create a false sense of intimacy. He noticed that I was very comfortable in revealing certain things about myself for which I didn't feel vulnerable at all. Other people hearing that would think that I was trusting them with something very revealing, when in fact for me it was no big deal. The things that were very personal and challenging for me were kept under lock and key and NO ONE had access to that.

What has helped me is to acknowledge that I am who I am and part of that is I am a product of my experiences. Some of my most painful experiences have given me my greatest strengths.

You've had to put aside your emotions in order to do the job you had. Now, some of those unprocessed feelings are flooding back. And that's OK. Yes, it's not comfortable, but grant yourself the permission to feel what you are now feeling. Most of all, BREATHE. Let the grief, sorrow, horror all pass by your eyes and breathe it away. It will take a while to do that.

A technique I found valuable is to look to the left (past memories are usually stored in the brain in a way where we can access them on the left side for most people. If you're more of a visual person, you might want to look up. If you're more auditory, try looking to the side or down.) Then accessing that memory, inhale deeply, moving your head to the right and exhaling the memory along with your breath. Do that repeatedly for each visual image, each auditory memory--whatever comes up in your mind.   

[Cole]

I've been accused of "not being emotionally available" by someone without BPD! and like you, this quality has triggered relationship partners with BPD. I think at first, it was intriguing to them because I was sort of a mystery, and they determined to overcome the challenge.

However, it ultimately caused them to fear that I would leave them, since on the surface, I didn't appear as emotionally invested as they were.

For me, it's a question of not fully trusting others with my emotions and keeping them very close to the vest. Part of it is that I'm a "thinker" rather than a "feeler" but another part is habit and a lifetime of experience with untrustworthy people, some of whom were just the people a child should have been able to trust.
 

CF,

I am sorry you had to deal with those things in childhood.

I think I am much like you. Spouse is very emotional. I am very unemotional. The joke our friends have of us being like Spock marrying Lucille Ball has lost it's humor. It is now a very sad reality that has caused both of us great pain.

I will say that there is a little improvement since I had this breakdown and realization that I was so busy taking care of the practical stuff (bills, food, home, etc... .) that I have not taken care of her heart. I realize I concentrated really hard on the practical to avoid having to deal with the emotional. Does not excuse affair, but maybe explains it.

So, for now she is continuing to see her T and be med compliant. She has not seen the boyfriend and has scheduled her weekends so as to not have time for him. I think she wants to stop, but it is an addiction at this time. She told me flat out she needs time to end it.

I am seeing T. Last session he stated he feels I have some serious PTSD issues to work on. Turns out he was the counselor for the safety forces in a large city, so he has experience with this. So, that is where we are at for now.