At wits' end

[Bruinbelle88]

I'm a 47yo divorced woman with two teenagers. Professionally, I have a very demanding job in marketing. Based on what I've read, it appears that my mother has BPD. When I first came across this site, I felt a great burden lifted as I felt I finally had an explanation for all the things I I experienced growing up.

My mother recently relocated to the same state that I live in and since coming here, our relationship has deteriorated significantly. As the only child, there is a lot of pressure on me to be my mother's all and all. She's retired, not very good at making friends and has no hobbies. I feel very overburdened by her need for me to be there for her constantly especially because my life is full and demanding already.

My kids do not particularly care for her because she can be quite overbearing, critical and she picks fights with them. There is not a lot of love there. This makes me extremely sad, but I understand how they feel because that is how I grew up. It makes me angry with her because she has upset both of them greatly through out the years. If she was anyone else, I would have removed her totally from my life, but she is my mother and I love her, so I try to cope. Her BPD tendencies have put me in a position where I limit their interaction with her. I don't often leave them alone together because there will more often then not be an argument. They also have witnessed our bad interactions and try as I may they can tell that she upsets me greatly and of course that makes things between them even worse. Of course, she doesn't understand why I limit interaction because she can't see the root cause for why they feel the way they do about her. The whole thing has me very sad and drained.

My therapist concurs that based on what I've described, she does appear to fit the category of someone with BPD. We spend a lot of sessions working on strategies to minimize flare ups and set boundaries, so that I can have a life. Sometimes I'm successful with my strategies, but it takes a lot out of me. I've come to the realization that without her seeking treatment, she will be like this for the rest of her life -- there will be no change, no growth. Just me coping with her condition and implementing strategies that may or may not quell the flare ups. As she continues to age, I know if will only get worse. I will always have to wear my BPD hat and be hyper-viligant about how her condition impacts her. Honestly, it feels like a life sentence with no chance for parole. The flare ups are almost weekly recently and I'm so emotionally exhausted that I don't know what to do and when I get frustrated, I don't implement the strategies as well which makes the situation worse. I really do feel like I'm at my wits' end.

[momisborderline]

Dear Bruinbelle,
I can really relate to your situation. I'm 49 and my mom is an undiagnosed BPD. You  mentioned that without treatment she is likely to get worse, and that's something I've noticed with my mom. She's now 75 and I've seen her get so much worse these last few years. While I don't have words of wisdom, I do very much sympathize with you.

My 3 siblings cut all contact with my mom about 15 years  ago so I'm pretty much an only child. We live on opposite sides of the country and the plan was for her to move to my city this spring. After a lot of discussion in therapy, at the end of August I worked up the courage to email her that I had decided she should stay in her city. this triggered a huge emotional outburst from her that went on for weeks. Nasty emails from her, nasty voicemails from her, refusing to accept my decision, using guilt to try and obligate me to change my mind, she'd be alternately "queen" like and "waif" like (don't know if you've read any of them borderline mother books that talk about these types, I bet if you have they seem familiar to you.)

It finally got to be too much, especially that feeling you described of having to be her everything as she has no interests and has alienated/cut off every other friend and family member in her life. So, about 10 days ago, I blocked her from my cell phone and email. For whatever reason, a few more voicemails from her got through, and they were about what you'd expect... .angry... .sad... .etc.  But I'm starting to figure out that an adult can't abandon another adult. I do love her, but I'm not responsible for her.

My sister was in a very similar situation to you before she cut off contact with our mom. She has 3 kids and the kids could see how upset my sister's relationship with my mom upset her. Finally my sister decided she didn't want her kids to witness this level of dysfunction so she went no contact with my mom.

I don't know if I'll go no contact forever with my mom, and I'm certainly not saying that no contact is the answer for you. I only felt a kinship to your situation so thought I'd reach out. What does your therapist recommend? Do you think your mom would respond to a request from you to set some boundaries that you hold firm on? Of course, with BPDs, they see this as an ultimatum and that's really a problem.

I found reading this article from Bethany Webster to be really interesting. Hope you do too. www.womboflight.com/you-dont-owe-your-mother-for-your-life/

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I really hope you find a way forward that gives you and your family peace.

[Bruinbelle88]

Dear Momisborderline.

Thanks you for your reply. It's comforting knowing that I am not alone in the struggle. I haven't really talked to anyone outside of my therapist about my mother. While I do think about it, I couldn't see myself cutting ties completely. I know that what she wants is engagement and to feel like she belongs. She just doesn't know how to do it in a healthy manner.

My therapist continues to recommend setting my boundaries and freeing myself from the guilt that comes along with doing so. Easier said than done for me. I always feel guilty. Work in progress.

Kudos to you for setting your boundary about your mother moving. My friends initially thought it would great if my mother came to town. Up until then, she was visiting me quite frequently, staying up to six weeks per visit. It was exhausting for me and my kids. My friends thought she could help out and more importantly see that she wasn't missing anything. My therapist was the only one who was concerned about the impact of the move as she was believed that my mother would want to take up all my spare time. This has indeed come to fruition. She pops over, sometimes unannounced four to five times a week. She'll stay until 10-11p. I had to set boundaries about the amount of time she spends at my house noting that I really need one of the two weekend days to myself and staying late on weekdays is disruptive. There were yelling, accusations and insults. She would keep her distance for a couple of weeks and then resume the same patterns.

It's been tough. I would say the only benefit is that she does have a home to return to and I have full use of my car again. When she was visiting she insisted that I share my car. She would pitch a fit if I wanted to go visit somewhere without her. It's cruel to leave her trapped in the house according to her. Oftentimes, she convinced me to let her drop me off. I felt like a kid again.

Boundaries continue to be tough to enforce, but setting limits with love and self-care are the two key things that I've gotten out of everything I've read. I will try to continue on that path even though likely there will be no turning point in her behavior. She has made it pretty clear she has no intention to pursue therapy.

I appreciate the article you sent along. Lots of reaffirming information in it. Trying to take it all in. Hopefully, it will help with the guilt.

Thanks again for reaching out and good luck to you as well. Stay in touch.


 

[Panda39]

Hi Bruinbelle88,

I agree that boundaries are tough to enforce with someone with BPD they can be expert "boundary busters".  I'm on these boards because my SO has an uBPDxw and they share 2 daughters.  IMO both girls have learned things... .been trained by their mom to have weak boundaries.  Their mom is an expert at using FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail to get what she wants from her daughters.

It can be something as small as learning "it's rude to not answer your phone when it rings"... .in other words they feel obligated to always be available to their mother even when it's inappropriate... .late at night, during dinner, when they are spending time with a friend.  If you don't answer, she will know you ignored the call, you are therefore bad and feel guilty, or are therefore bad and are fearful you will get in trouble or not be loved.

I see them both struggle with boundaries in other relationships too... .D17 I see get emotionally intimate too fast before getting to know someone, or not being able to ask for what she wants or needs,and being a caretakers or the flip side D21 no contact (both to protect herself and as punishment for their mom's bad behavior), not trusting others, also not able to ask for what she wants or needs (Passive/Aggressive)... .

It's all things they have learned either directly from their mom or through their experiences with their mom. 

What I hope for with them is that they can radically accept their mom is who she is and she is going to do what she is going to do, not be angry at her (D21) and not continue to hope normal mom is going to magically appear (D17).  That they can recognize that their mom has a problem and that they are not the problem.  That they can learn to love themselves and realize that they have every right to protect themselves with boundaries and if their mom can't accept those boundaries then that is her problem.  They are not responsible for their mother's, life, choices, or feelings those are her responsibility.  Those girls are responsible for themselves, their life, their choices, and their own feelings and that it is their job to create the life they want without Fear, Obligation and Guilt but with self love.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

More on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206736.0

Radical Acceptance... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Why do you think you feel guilty? 

Panda39