S.E.T. Makes Me Nervous

[Tattered Heart]

I always get so nervous when I need to use SET with my H. I just don't know how he will react to it. And when it does work I find myself in amazement, like so dumbfounded that it actually works.

This weekend I could see tension beginning to build with my H. For a month things have been AMAZING! Literally 0 dysregulations. We have been talking openly and even have gotten to the point where I felt comfortable joking with him. He ran out of weed and cigarettes on the same day so I saw agitation begin to set in as he started having withdraws. (He started smoking cigarettes again about a month ago after 3 years smoke free. I hate it but whatever. He is going to do what he is going to do.)

My first indication that he was getting unsettled was he asked me if I had added any new boys on FB. I validated, made FB sound boring, etc. A little later I caught him trying to see over my shoulder while I was looking at FB. I felt myself start to get annoyed. He started picking on me a little about housework and complaining that I wasn't taking care of trash quick enough, even though he is just as capable of changing out a trash bag but chooses to just set trash on the counter until I change it.

Sorry I'm rambling. So Sunday morning I'm not sure how but I clumsily bumped his coffee sitting on the counter and some splashed over the rim onto the counter. I immediately started looking for a paper towel and while in the midst of looking he starts to lay in on me, accusing me of planning to leave the mess there and go take my shower. I felt myself get really angry very quickly. I started to JADE, but stopped myself. I took a deep breath. And used SET.

"I know that you think I was going to leave it there.  I was not. I don't like it when you accuse me or put motivation on my behavior." He started to JADE. I just said, "You can't read my mind." It stopped him dead in his tracks. He didn't say anything. I cleaned up the spill and went to go take my shower. The subject just disappeared and his mood for the day improved.

I hate that I still get so scared to speak up. Will FOG ever not cause me hesitation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

We are all battling our own pre-programmed responses.  Anything else is pretty scary to try, even when we've found that it CAN work.

[Meili]

I agree with isilme about the programming. I find that, for me, FOG haunts me at a subconscious level more than anything. It's tough unlearning. But, looking at the reasons beneath the FOG can help with that. Some are far easier to see than others.

[pearlsw]

I am always amazed at how well you remember conversations! And thanks for so specifically sharing the details. My h is so black and white that there is little in-between. I notice he is tuned into my moods though, so I am low, boom it triggers him to go lower because, I think, I am his stability. Or I was. I had started to feel more secure and comfortable too after a long white phase. He was trying so hard to make us happy and make life good and then he just broke apart again.

I am impressed at what a difference your skills make! Do you hold your fears inside/mask it so he does not see it?

I sometimes feel like a coach who must always be peppy and positive and never gets a day off to experience my full range of human emotions.

[Tattered Heart]

I am impressed at what a difference your skills make! Do you hold your fears inside/mask it so he does not see it?

I sometimes feel like a coach who must always be peppy and positive and never gets a day off to experience my full range of human emotions.

I think I've become pretty practiced at not letting it show. I still get that sick feeling in my stomach that things are going to blow up. I think what isilme said is correct. It's just a pre-programmed thing. It's come from years of rages and being so unsure of his response. T really helped me last year. She asked me "What is the worst thing he will do?" My fear was that he would start to rage. She then reminded me that he is going to rage if he is going to rage. There is nothing I can do or not do to prevent his response. Then she pushed me to begin setting a plan ahead of time on what to do if he raged. And through that she helped me find the courage to say things I didn't use to say.

More positive experiences using SET is causing the FOG to be less. I never react out of obligation or guilt anymore. But fear still gets me. I'm learning more and more that by not walking on egg shells, he responds WAY differently. If I'm relaxed, he is relaxed.

I get what you mean about always having to be positive. I'm trying to give myself permission to not be positive. For instance just this morning, my mom sent me an email with the itenary for a trip my sister is taking to Peru. I've had a very bad feeling about her going on this trip. It caused me to start worrying. My FOG reaction was that I just needed to worry about this quietly and once I get into the kitchen I have to put on my happy face. Then I told myself, "No. I'm strugglign with this. I need to be able to share this with my H."

I gauged his temperature and when we sat down for coffee together, I just said, "I'm worried about my sisters trip to Peru." And he started asking me questions about the trip. Why I'm worried. He even validated that he understands why I'd be worried. Then he hijacked the conversation and began talking about drugs in Peru, but that's ok. He listened. And even better I worked through my self-defense of holding it in. We had a normal conversation like a normal couple!