Two days ago, I received a no-contact e-mail from her

[losingconfidence]

Hi. I'm not exactly new here; this place was a great help to me when I was recovering from going no-contact with my mother who has BPD. After going NC with both parents (my father didn't have BPD, but he was definitely an abuser), my best friend from college became my chosen family. I lived with her from January of 2009 all the way until August of 2017. I'm sure there are elements of this story that will earn me judgment on this site, but please try to go easy on me; I know I played a role in how bad this got and am not just trying to blame my friend's mental illness for the difficulties in my life.

I have a disability that causes chronic pain, and that pain got worse early on in our life together. Summer 2009, I was getting ready for work when L (who didn't even have a job as her parents were paying for everything) came to my door and said "I just hope you realize that you NEED me and would be nowhere without me." I told her that of course I didn't need her, I just liked her and enjoyed her companionship. This absolutely enraged her, and she just kept tearing into me about how hopeless my life would be without her.

Fast forward two weeks, and my disability grew worse. I was no longer able to perform the job I was at. I couldn't go home to my abusive parents either, so L offered to financially support me and lie to my parents with/for me (as they didn't believe me about the disability).

I think L sort of got off on me being needy and such. Around 2012-2013, I got some excellent physical therapy and got back into the swing of life. L didn't seem to like this. At every opportunity, she'd say things like "you should let me drive you because it's a complicated route to get there" or "you should let me make dinner because the recipe's too complicated" or "you should just not work at all and let me support you."

I managed to dodge those statements at least a little bit until 2014, when I went NC with my parents. L was my only family left, and I was struggling quite tremendously. Admittedly, I expressed trepidation about continuing to work as I was kind of a wreck (I have depression, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, PTSD, and OSDD-1b to contend with, and leaving my parents kind of exacerbated those) and just kept striking out when I tried to find a therapist equipped to work with that combination of things. I worked a little anyway, and then got fired for a careless mistake at work. L told me that was proof that I couldn't handle a job in my condition and told me that she was making "more than enough" for both of us, so I should focus on recovery. It turned out L actually wasn't making enough; she literally turned to sex work to make ends meet when she could've just let me return to work and had us both be fine.

L frequently told me stuff like "if you hadn't quit your job a few years ago, I'm sure they would have fired you" or "you shouldn't get that full-time job you're thinking about; why not do a part-time one instead." It got into my head and messed with me. By the end, I wasn't cooking or driving at all. My disability grew worse as I stopped getting physical therapy, and my job situation was just a part-time gig that left me totally dependent on L.

None of this so far screams that L had BPD. I know. I'm getting there.

L continually fought me any time I tried to make a new friend or go to therapy (physical or emotional). She kept saying that the rest of the world couldn't be trusted and that only she was safe. I was a traumatized person with no therapy, so I listened to this.

L sort of treated me as the next best thing to a romantic partner. She was in love with me for a long time and would encourage things like romantic-level cuddling and sharing a bed even though she knew I wasn't attracted to her. During the time when she was in love with me, she sort of put me on a pedestal where I was good and the rest of the world was bad. She also tried to convince me it was us two against the world.

Everyone told me how lucky I was to have her, how she was just the nicest friend in the world. They didn't know that she'd split on me and just explode in rage against me any time there was a minor disagreement. They didn't know that she once told me she wished she could beat me until I was unrecognizable or that she'd sometimes tell me a part of her wanted to kill me. They also didn't know she was sabotaging my efforts to make friends or find a therapist, all while she was allowed to see whoever she wanted whenever she wanted.

They also didn't know how much I took care of her. I patiently weathered every emotional storm she had and mopped her up after her impulsive decisions like screwing 10 different random people on Craigslist without using protection or getting regularly tested for STDs, doing sex work that ended up hurting/upsetting her, letting a nearly-homeless person live in our apartment without consulting me first, randomly agreeing to fund part of someone else's college education, and so on and so forth. She liked getting to be the hero, and she kept looking for people she thought were weak and helpless to turn into projects. I think she got sick of me because a combination of depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and OSDD don't all just heal because a friend is nice to you, especially when that friend doesn't let you go to therapy.

They also didn't know that I helped L transition. L is transgender (MTF), and I was basically the person who supported her through every step of that. I did what I could to be a supportive and helpful friend, but she always had to one-up me by insisting on doing basic tasks for me instead of allowing me any autonomy whatsoever.

It was this awful double-standard where any friend I had wasn't good enough, any romantic partner I had was clearly wrong for me or even cheating on me (according to L), etc., but then she'd date serious losers and temporarily put said losers on a pedestal and me in the dirt (only to pedestalize me again after the breakup).

Earlier this year, she entered a whirlwind relationship off the internet. The person she met was a classic BPD case, more classic than L even is. This person uses "they" pronouns, so please don't be confused by that. Anyway, they were in this terrible living situation, gonna die if we didn't violate our lease to let them come live with us, yadda yadda, you get it.

Basically the partner was absolutely awful to deal with. While I was depressed, V (the partner) kind of suicide-baited me, which made me angry. L threw a huge, explosive fit at me, basically saying V was perfectly innocent and I was 100% in the wrong for being upset with V. L demanded I apologize to V for suggesting that V did anything wrong. After I refused, L just started ignoring me 100% of the time, becoming completely enmeshed with V.

I saw L literally change everything about who she was based on V, and it made me realize L had been doing the same thing with me. V didn't believe L was abused, so L dropped her entire abuse story, claiming it was my fault she thought she was abused. V was polyamorous, so suddenly L was too. V wanted a dominant partner, so suddenly L wasn't a submissive anymore.

Oh, it gets better. One day, V decided they wanted to kill themselves and asked L for help. L was going to go through with this, and for some reason, L told me the plan. I told L this was nuts and that V needed to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. L was furious with me, kept raging and screaming about how V had a much harder life than I did, was abused worse, had worse mental illness, etc., so HOW DARE I suggest that V shouldn't kill themselves? I was painted black for not going along with this plan. L dropped the plan and then became 100% devoted to perfectly fixing V's life so that V wouldn't have to die. This meant I was just ignored but hurled the occasional insult/subjected to the occasional criticism/blaming session.

L started complaining that I relied too much on her. I started therapy (against her wishes) about a month prior to this, and I then started looking for a better job. I also started re-learning how to drive. In two months, I went from never driving, never cooking, and only working a part-time, flexible, from home job to full-time employed, cooking for myself, and driving across a major highway to get to my job each day. Instead of letting that mend the issues in our friendship, L just continued pushing me away.

A month and a half before our lease was set to renew, L announced that she and V were moving to the other side of the continent (I'm on the East Coast, and she wanted to move to the West Coast) with no jobs lined up, no apartment picked out, and no plan whatsoever for how they were going to survive this. As absurd as this will sound, L insisted she was going to make $4,000 a month at whatever job she got and that she was going to keep supporting me and cosinging for any future apartments I got. I recognized this promise was bull___, so I got a new job and found a new roommate to make rent affordable.

I would say things like that I felt abandoned, and L would scream in my face about how I clearly would still have her love and support. I would say I felt anxious that things wouldn't work out as she was literally quitting her job and her master's program to move away with V, and she'd scream in my face for not trusting her.

L could be so nice and sweet and gentle and caring, but then she could also just fly into a rage over nothing. She also just went from loving someone to discarding them overnight.

Well, L and V moved out to the West Coast. Miraculously, L got a job. It doesn't pay half of what she said it was going to. I think V is still unemployed. They ended up getting an apartment, too. In spite of how L said she'd be talking to me every night once she moved there, she pretty much ignored me nonstop for two months.

Then, two days ago, I received a no-contact e-mail from L, stating she never wants to hear from me again. She literally told me I can keep the thousands of dollars worth of home appliances and furniture she left behind because that money wasn't worth having to see me ever again. She blocked me on every social media there is and then blocked our other roommate (who didn't do anything to her) who she also used to say was like family to her.

This was only like two days after L announced (on Facebook) that she thinks she has BPD. I don't get this. If she knows she has BPD, what is with her dumping a best friend of ten years in a short, two paragraph e-mail that offers no explanation and basically doing a hit-and-run where she blocked literally every account of mine? I'm not gonna chase her or start anything; I just feel like a ten year friendship (especially one as intense as ours) deserves a more gradual conclusion than some sudden NC communication, especially since I had reduced my dependence on her (despite her efforts to keep me dependent) and started really trying to get along with V despite my feelings.

I don't get it. I'm lost.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Turkish]

So after all of that you went through with her,  she abandoned you,  you didn't have any contact for two months,  and out of the blue she says what she did... .were you able to respond,  or did she block that route as well?

I know you were here a couple of years ago,  but given BPD, this isn't out of the norm,  as hurtful as it is.  Whether or not she was professionally diagnosed,  BPD can be tough to accept fire a sufferer.  I know one pwBPD in my life,  diagnosed,  who accepts it,  but basically embraces it,  in a way,  to cope.  Accept her how she is,  even hurting others,  and that's that.  Not all pwBPD are like this.  It might be that she's removing triggers in her life (in her mind), and your years long friendship is one of the casualties.  You may not get an answer out of her,  and it's hard to say of she will contact you again. 

What do you want out of this?

Turkish

[evanescent]

That's quite a tale. I'm sorry you have had to go through it.

The cutting ties thing is just part of the self-defeating defense mechanism BPs create for themselves. My wife did this more times than I want to count with long time friends. Often, it stemmed from her perception that she was being taken advantage of or disrespected in some way, but I believe much of it sourced from her inability to simply handle adult problems like an adult!

Try not to obsess over it. (Lotta help that is, I know . .) But understand that nobody is immune to being split black. Nobody.

[losingconfidence]

Thanks, all.

What do you want out of this?

At this point, I really want her back. I hate imagining life without her, but I don't know if it's possible to get her back since she has explicitly told me never to speak to her again. She has blocked me everywhere, so I can't send her a message at all or even try to do anything about this.

Actually, to clarify, she moved in August but was still in contact with me until two days ago. That's why she sent the big no-contact letter.

[Turkish]

So it sounds like something happened,  like a communication which triggered her.  What's your take on it?

I was cut off from another friend, a very probable pwBPD,  over what I thought was an innocuous email from me,  "why don't you call anymore?" This was a woman I had gone to visit in the county mental hospital a few years previously (no one else did). The emotional cut off was shocking to me, as if all the times I had been there for her counted for nothing. 

[momisborderline]

I am so very sorry that you have had to go through this, you certainly don't deserve it and there's absolutely no judgement here. You have had a tough road and it sounds as though you have made great progress in getting a job, driving, and all the other ways you are taking care of yourself.

And I'm really sorry that L has gone NC on you. Even though I'm sure you find it unsurprising given that the hallmark of the BPD personality is this kind of chaos in their intimate relationships, it still hurts. It really hurts.

This is me playing armchair psychologist but I wonder if part of the reason she went NC with you is b/c she is embarrassed over how she treated you and given your first-hand experience with BPD she knows that you understand only too well exactly what is up with her. Also, in not facing you again, she doesn't have to face her behavior toward you. And here's my last bit of theory - I think with some BPD's, they "leave first" before the other person can leave them. She saw you go NC with your parents, and I wonder if she thought some day, you might go NC with her. And now that she's announced she may be BPD, she might be afraid that you would go NC. Like I said, I'm just guessing and I'm in no way qualified to say what is going on in her mind. However the other thing we know about BPDs, is that they leave/come back/leave/comeback. I'm not saying L will comeback, I honestly don't know, but BPD's are masterful at "teaching us a lesson" with the silent treatment until they need us again.

So, back to you. You are clearly a brave, courageous person and have been through experiences that others never would've made it through. Don't forget to give yourself some credit for the progress you've made. Maybe this time of NC with L will give you additional time to focus on being good to yourself. I wish you the very best and hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are doing.

[losingconfidence]

Is the person with BPD saying lousy things about you to everyone who will listen a hallmark too? Apparently she's going around telling people my childhood abuse didn't happen... .? Who does that?

[evanescent]

I think with some BPD's, they "leave first" before the other person can leave them.

Not just a theory from what I have seen. Seems like the ultimate decision to flip perceived potential abandonment around to a chosen outcome. My wBP did exactly that with me when she walked out the door, having accused me just a day before of cheating with a fictional person. (A real delusion I verified after the fact.)

I never would have left her, but the fear of that pain drove her to act even though in our last conversations she seemed to have accepted something wasn't right there.

[evanescent]

Is the person with BPD saying lousy things about you to everyone who will listen a hallmark too? Apparently she's going around telling people my childhood abuse didn't happen... .? Who does that?

Absolutely. My wBP triangulated against my older children in this way multiple times as they neared and passed into adulthood when they didn't do what she expected. Messaging friends, telling them awful things, making threats, etc. Most of the friends were keen to the act after awhile, so brushed it off, but she kept trying nonetheless.

[momisborderline]

Absolutely. My wBP triangulated against my older children in this way multiple times as they neared and passed into adulthood when they didn't do what she expected. Messaging friends, telling them awful things, making threats, etc. Most of the friends were keen to the act after awhile, so brushed it off, but she kept trying nonetheless.

It's sad to say, but my experience with my BPDm matches the behavior evanescent describes. My mom would alternately paint each of her 4 kids black and the kids who weren't painted black at the moment would get a big dose of my mom talking trash about the kid painted black. Saying how terrible/awful/stupid/unsuccessful that kid was. Then, in classic BPD fashion, she would change it to the next kid and so on... .It was usually her calling one of us and saying "don't tell 'child #2' but... ." and then go on and talk major trash about us. When we all finally got wise to it, we would call one another and ask "ok, wait so I'm in trouble now, so you much be the good child?" But she never stopped doing it. BPD's will keep this merry-go-round behavior going with us as long as we stay on the ride. I've stepped off the ride and am trying to determine if it's forever or not.

[losingconfidence]

Thanks. One more thing I’m confused by is the fact that this friend knows and completely accepts that she has BPD, and she knows what BPD is and how it works, yet somehow, she doesn’t see that cutting me out might be a thing her BPD is making her do.

Is there any way to get her back, or am I stuck without even the chosen family I found in her?