My BPDex BF was technically raped

[Depression = 72% of members]

With so much about sexual assault and harassment in the news, I have been thinking a lot about these things. My BPDex once told me that he lost his virginity when he was a young teenager to - and this is how he described it - a woman in her late twenties, who wore bright red lipstick and who did "everything to him". However, when he tried to call her so he could see her again she refused. I obviously read between the lines and it sounds like she was a prostitute but maybe he didn't know that she was at the time. He had some much older brothers and I suspect they may have arranged it... .I am interested to hear if this kind of experience would be traumatizing for a boy. He's a highly sensitive person but he has major anger, possessiveness, jealousy issues with women, as well as withdrawing affectionately, and many times has tried to treat me like his whore... .I see him do the same with the relationships he's gone on to have since I was with him. Does this kind of experience really mess with someone? Our "culture" would have use think that this is any man's dream... .But, if let's say this were a traumatic situation, what does it do to someone's self esteem that your own family arranged for you to get raped by a prostitute! maybe I'm over-exaggerating... .but still... .thoughts?

[hotncold]

With so much about sexual assault and harassment in the news, I have been thinking a lot about these things. My BPDex once told me that he lost his virginity when he was a young teenager to - and this is how he described it - a woman in her late twenties, who wore bright red lipstick and who did "everything to him". However, when he tried to call her so he could see her again she refused. I obviously read between the lines and it sounds like she was a prostitute but maybe he didn't know that she was at the time. He had some much older brothers and I suspect they may have arranged it... .I am interested to hear if this kind of experience would be traumatizing for a boy. He's a highly sensitive person but he has major anger, possessiveness, jealousy issues with women, as well as withdrawing affectionately, and many times has tried to treat me like his whore... .I see him do the same with the relationships he's gone on to have since I was with him. Does this kind of experience really mess with someone? Our "culture" would have use think that this is any man's dream... .But, if let's say this were a traumatic situation, what does it do to someone's self esteem that your own family arranged for you to get raped by a prostitute! maybe I'm over-exaggerating... .but still... .thoughts?

[Tattered Heart]

That's awful. Sexual encounters with older women can definitely create trauma for someone. It is statuatory rape when a child has a sexual relationship with someone who is old enough to know better.

I recently listened to a podcast on Sword & Scale about the issue of male victims of sexual abuse. It was a story of a boy who was sexually active with the school principal and how much same and guilt he felt over it. It has completely destroyed his life and his current relationships are being affected by it.

[polaris9]

This is just one man's opinion but in theory most boys/men would fantasize about an experience like this.  But maybe fantasizing about this and have it actually happen are two very different things and this was a very traumatic experience, especially if he thought that this would lead to a relationship and he was spurned after it happened.

[hotncold]

This is just one man's opinion but in theory most boys/men would fantasize about an experience like this. 

Well yes... .and I think a lot of men would say the same thing. I read something about a man who as a child was sexually abused by someone who was a maternal figure and he said when he reported it to the police they said that they failed to see a crime. So I think this is why this kind of situation is difficult to make sense of for everyone. Would you still fantasize IF your first experience of sex - ever - was with a much older woman who performed all your sexual fantasies, but you later found out she was paid to do it by someone else... .? Statutory rape is called this because a child can't give consent - they don't understand the situation enough to properly decide what they "want". Not only in this situation could he not give consent, but he may have misunderstood the situation entirely... .My BPDex once completely dissociated during sex. He was gone. I have never experienced that with another man, ever. He also once shared a creative thing where he had a teenager sexually abusing an older woman... .which I always found strange because children are the ones sexualized by adults, not the other way around - and which clearly happened to him. This is a very confusing aspect of male identity that seems to deny that there is anything to a man/male teenager other than his sex drive... .

[hotncold]

I believe he did feel shame about this because he never explicitly said she was a prostitute although he described the situation as though she was and the first time he told me about how he lost his virginity he gave me a lie that was close to how most people lose their virginity: that it was with someone who was close to his own age.

[hotncold]

I'm still curious to hear from more people about this topic. Does anyone else have thoughts? I often think about this incident which he told me about and wonder how it impacted him... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Not sure how this is helping in your healing? 

[hotncold]

I am pretty healed actually, so you're right it's not really directly linked to that (perhaps people who are healed should not have a place on this forum? although I have not seen that rule anywhere). I posted this because I am interested in hearing different perspectives on it and I guess it is more linked to the discussions currently going on in the public domain with regards to sexual abuse, manipulation, predatory behaviours, social expectations of people's behaviours and how different norms and expectations impact men and women differently. I wasn't aware that we had to link all of our posts to exactly how it leads to our healing. It's more to gauge different opinions on whether this kind of experience would really mess with someone or not since we often discuss sexual abuse when it comes to women, but less so when it comes to men which is why I am curious about it. Something that would clearly be defined as abuse in the case of a woman may not be so in the case of a man, but maybe it should be? I don't know. I am asking questions because given the state of the world it's something that has been on my mind lately and for which I am interested in seeking answers and I know that there are a lot of smart people on these boards who have put a lot of thought into understanding themselves and the world we live in.

[Sunfl0wer]

Oh well, I am absolutely no authority here on this site at all and certainly not policing anyone.

Merely was asking out of curiosity.
I was wondering if there is a way that reflecting in such a way is assisting you to progress through the stages of detachment?

Simply am looking for an opportunity to share something meaningful towards your goals.

Maybe pondering such things helps, but I just don’t know.

I personally do not believe that one can pin point such a cause of pathology of personality to an event.  I believe the development or lack of development of our personalities is way more complex than a single event.

I also imagine that there is a reason many culture recognize statutory rape as an illegal act. There is an imbalance of power and understanding in the dynamic.  A youth’s mind is still growing and these experiences do shape a growing mind.

I guess I was more interested in contributing in a way for understanding of what you are going through.  I was trying to make that connection so as to respond to your experience with the aftermath of such relationship.

Way I see it is... .things mean... .the meaning we give them.

[hotncold]

Thanks for the clarification. I suppose this is not so much linked to my "healing" as I do consider myself fully detached from my BPDex, but this is more linked to the fact that he did open my eyes to male vulnerability, which before meeting him I had mostly dismissed as non-existent or a manipulative tactic and which I have come to realize is not the case. In the society in which we live, and in which I was raised, there was very little room for vulnerability on behalf of men and so I think that through him I was able to understand that there is indeed a great deal of vulnerability behind the masks that are presented by many men, but it is still a very murky thing so exploring some of the dynamics is an interest of mine, especially in light of public discussions of male/female dynamics, and abuse etc. Because certain expressions of vulnerability in men are indeed interpreted as manipulative and sometimes they are. So I think it's just a way of gauging what people think of these things, having a conversation about it, etc... .I agree that one event can't really shape a single person's personality but perhaps what I do wonder is could  a man discuss that event in question and actually be heard by others rather than ridiculed for not being man enough, if that event actually traumatized him. So it's more a question of how open is our society to having open and honest conversations about trauma from both men and women. I will admit, I did not know how to process a lot of the information he told me. Was he being manipulative? Was he simply honestly talking about his trauma?... .I initially reacted to him as though he was being manipulative, and so did every single person in my surroundings, and rejected him and for a really long time I blamed myself. While I have processed my reactions and forgiven myself for mistakes I made, I am still interested in learning more, diving into these grey zones, listening to the current public discourse on these things... .it gets at the heart of learning what compassion is and what it looks like perhaps.

[Turkish]

Seems like it did mess with him,  young male fantasies aside,  and not to minimizer female fantasies.  He told you,  yes?

[hotncold]

Hi after posting here I started thinking about it a bit more. And concluded that this kind of incident could be harmful but doesn't have to be... .It depends on the person. So I thought back to how he told me about it and yes I recall that the way he told it there was shame in it and hurt... .A sense of betrayal and of losing trust in sexualized situations. He didn't openly say these things but how he recalled the events commincated these things. So I suppose I had my answer all along.

[Pretty Woman]

I am going to say this and hopefully I don’t get ttoo much slack for it.

BPD’s like to play victim. While we should always take someone at face value especially when it comes to sexual assault, don’t be so sure what you were told really happened, or at least not in the context it was relayed to you.

I say this because three of my ex’s ex’s supposedly raped her or were sexual deviants.

I was also accused of rape and you want to know what’s traumatic? People believing you raped someone... .and you didn’t.

Again, especially in today’s climate we should never shame a victim or someone coming forward with accusations, but not everyone is honest and I know from first hand experience what it’s like to be on the other side of a BPD’s accusations.

I was told at the beginning of our relationship her previous ex was “sex crazy” and very aggressive. So aggressive she had to file a RO.

A month into our relationship she was still talking to this woman, asking her for electrical advice to rewire something. Later, after our break up I find out this woman was actually in the process of moving in with her when I came along and she was cruelty dumped. I was told this story to become her “white knight” rescuer. It never happened. In fact this woman is a psychologist.

I’m not kidding.

I felt so bad for my ex. I wanted to protect her from the world. In actuality I should have been protecting myself. That is who needed protection.
That is who eventually needed care in the end.

My ex would cry about her father beating her, like it just happened. Later I find out complete opposite stories.

Being out of the relationship I see things very differently now. I feel bad my ex is damaged but I will never accept the behaviors. The behaviors are inexcusable. But it’s no longer my problem and it really never was. I made it my problem trying to fix something that wasn’t fixable. 

[hotncold]

I agree that some people can be over dramatic about their experiences and sometimes use it to manipulate other to have sympathy for them. While my ex did play victim at certain points this one incident in question he related to me in very neutral non specific terms. Simply that he lost his virginity to an older woman and added a few details that sounded like she had been hired to have sex with him. This does not immediately or automatically inspire sympathy I think. I sensed shame from him I believe even if it was subtle. But I think that the point you make is important because it is easy, when you have been burned, to then dismiss valid moments of vulnerability from others. This has certainly been a struggle for me and I have decided that we can accept a person's tale of woe and victimhood whether real or overdramatized without being manipulated. While empathy without proper boundaries can be unhealthy I have come to consder compassion as empathy with healthy boundaries.

[Pretty Woman]

Agreed. It’s ok to be sympathetic but it’s not our place to”save” anyone.