Peeling off the layers

[confused4now]

   
    Less then 3 months ago I was devastated by my husband. I found evidence he was cheating, stealing, and lying about it all. I confronted him, and he denied it all, he actually turned on me. He said I was "crazy",  that I had "set him up". .
    After the dust settled, I went into a very black hole... I kicked him out so I could gain some clarity. I began therapy, 12 step meetings, this group, and work books on BPD disorder. I was getting better, but could not let go completely.
   I still wanted answers from him, (closure). I wanted him to admit he discarded me awhile ago, that he lied, cheated, gas lighted me. I decided to call him to finally get some resolution.
  The second he picked up the phone, I was sorry! He couldn't hide his detachment, and almost seemed bored. He said what he always says, and I felt like I always do. Rejected, needy and confused.
  Later as I wrote in my journal, I had a paradigm shift! I realized that I did nothing to make this happen. I did not do the destructive behavior that eroded our relationship he did. Nothing I say or do will change him. He is gone...
  As I replayed the conversation I noticed how confusing he was. He sounded like he was talking to a high school friend. He was giggling inappropriately and, trying to make small talk. He was trying to schmooze me.
  I realized then he did not have the capacity to meet the needs of an adult, he does not have access to mature emotions. I have been waiting for him to be what he can not be... I married a self destructive child stuck in man's body. Bam, Door shut, I got closure. I accepted in that moment this was an illness, if he had a choice, I am sure he would choose a full range of emotions instead of the very few he has. I am beginning to grasp mental instability.
  I am still very sad, but I am grateful that my head and my heart are finally starting to align.

 

[itgetsbetter94]

  I realized then he did not have the capacity to meet the needs of an adult, he does not have access to mature emotions. I have been waiting for him to be what he can not be... I married a self destructive child stuck in man's body. Bam, Door shut, I got closure. I accepted in that moment this was an illness, if he had a choice, I am sure he would choose a full range of emotions instead of the very few he has. I am beginning to grasp mental instability.
  I am still very sad, but I am grateful that my head and my heart are finally starting to align.

 

I love this description, it's so accurate.  I'm going to screenshoot it and reread when I feel the need.
You're absolutely right.
I resonate with your thinking 100% and am also on the path of healing.  Looking on things objectively and putting them into perspective is what keeps me grounded and what makes my feelings finally catch up.

[Lost-love-mind]

 
    After the dust settled, I went into a very black hole... I kicked him out so I could gain some clarity. I began therapy, 12 step meetings, this group, and work books on BPD disorder. I was getting better, but could not let go completely.
 
  I realized then he [she] did not have the capacity to meet the needs of an adult, he does not have access to mature emotions. I have been waiting for him[her] to be what he can not be... I married [dated,,] a self destructive child stuck in man's [girl's] body. Bam, Door shut, I got closure.
 I accepted in that moment this was an illness,... .
  I am still very sad, but I am grateful that my head and my heart are finally starting to align.

Yes, the Black hole. The abyss, I called it.
Seeking supporters. Good move. 12 step for addiction/codependency. Excellent.
Yes. I could fit the description of the immature male stuck in what should be a mature male body.
I sought T and other help here.
In regard to him/or her, in my case, well , you can't fix someone else.
Move on and feel better about yourself. Hopefully, you never visit the abyss, ever again.

[letskeepitreal]

   
  I realized then he did not have the capacity to meet the needs of an adult, he does not have access to mature emotions. I have been waiting for him to be what he can not be... I married a self destructive child stuck in man's body. Bam, Door shut, I got closure. I accepted in that moment this was an illness, if he had a choice, I am sure he would choose a full range of emotions instead of the very few he has. I am beginning to grasp mental instability.
  I am still very sad, but I am grateful that my head and my heart are finally starting to align.

Thank you! This put it into perspective for me. For a while I would self-persecute thinking that I was not doing enough to push my ex into therapy. Or I was doing something to cause her to become very cold. I recognised I might have said a few things that were not perfect and provked her jealously - but when I realised I did 7 times out of 10 I would address it immediately. Everytime I did I would be stonewalled. There is only so much stonewalling one can take. I ended up falling for a delusion when the reality would never meet my own needs. Even after the breakup I was arguing against a delusion and not looking at it for what it really was. A spade is a spade so to speak. At the end of the day we can only look out for ourselves and realise when it feels wrong we need to find the courage to reassess.

She ended up in therapy and tells me she goes 3 times a week. 2 different therapists and a group session. I realised how bad it must have been for her mentally.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi confused,

I'm so pleased to hear that you found your closure.  I think we all have to have that personal moment of realisation for ourselves and put things into context. 

I've sometimes described the phenomena of persisting in a destructive r/s as owning a tiger and expecting it to learn to be a dog.  Thinking to ourselves, 'this is a nice tiger but perhaps if I'm nicer to it then it will sit like a dog and bark like a dog instead of smashing things in the house and biting me'.  A tiger is a tiger.  It took me too long to realise that and a lot of damage had been done.  At the same time, it was a learning experience that has made a huge positive difference to me in my life overall.   

Thanks for posting about this and sharing this moment of clarity which has helped you so much.  It's always great to hear when members are able to take positive steps towards detaching and healing.  I hope that you feel a great weight has lifted and are feeling free to focus on your own present and future.  

Love and light x

[ozmatoz]

I've sometimes described the phenomena of persisting in a destructive r/s as owning a tiger and expecting it to learn to be a dog.  Thinking to ourselves, 'this is a nice tiger but perhaps if I'm nicer to it then it will sit like a dog and bark like a dog instead of smashing things in the house and biting me'.  A tiger is a tiger.  It took me too long to realise that and a lot of damage had been done.  At the same time, it was a learning experience that has made a huge positive difference to me in my life overall.   

I love this analogy... .I no longer ask it to be a dog, I just sit here saying "nice kitty" over and over hoping it doesn't eat me.  Not a way to live.

I hope to have closure somehow someday too.  I'm glad you found it.  Keep on staying strong.
-Oz

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, Here's a quote from Kingsley Amis which seems appropriate to this discussion:

“For the first time he really felt that it was no use trying to save those who fundamentally would rather not be saved.”

The Hero only finds closure when he comes to this realization; the same could be said about a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim