Gift giving: damned if I do...

[Chosen]

Do you get the feeling that the more you do, the more attacks you are inviting on yourself, and the more you are setting yourself up for failure?  One thing that repeatedly happens is that I would get uBPDh some kind of gift, as a surprise or "just because", and there are usually just two outcomes:

A. He doesn't even acknowledge it much, he would just put it aside and never, ever open it/ use it.  (and it would be something that I think has meaning, like I once ordered a custom-made puzzle using a family photo, which was given to him as our wedding anniversary present.  I don't think he ever even opened the box, and I have no idea where it is now.)- this is already "the lesser of two evils"

B. I give him something which directly/ indirectly causes his inconvenience, and he will use it to further prove I am setting out to waste his time and make life difficult for him.  For instance, I ordered him a subscription gift which was supposed to be mailed every few months.  It was part of his birthday gift last year.  But somehow he would never be around when it was delivered, and would need to take a card to the post office to retrieve it.  I didn't expect it when I ordered it, but now every few months he would have a go at me for making his life difficult, like how he didn't ask for this.  I don't expect him to thank me for the gift (although it would've been nice, considering I searched for something I felt that he would enjoy), but I just wished he wouldn't attack me after I had deliberately tried to do something nice for him.

Obviously, after so many failures, I now don't even try to get him anything- I don't want to invite more attacks on myself.  It's not just towards me either.  When other people give him gifts, he basically reacts in a similar way, although he probably wouldn't tell those people outright- he'll just say to me "why are they wasting their money and giving me this rubbish".  Then he'll never use those gifts either.  I wonder if it's because he finds it hard to accept people being nice to him "just because they want to be nice", or something else. 

I also want to know if any of you have encountered similar incidences, and how do you deal with it.  For me, it's not just the gift giving- it happens most times I'm trying to do something for him, or trying to be nice and do something "out of the ordinary" so to speak.  If I don't do anything, he would probably just complain about me being useless; if I do something, he would say I refuse to accept that I am useless, but instead I always bring him more trouble by trying to help, that I mess everything up.  I don't think he ever said "I appreciate you trying to help/ asking if you can be of help".  In the past I mentioned the whole "intention" thing to him, and he says "intention doesn't matter.  It's the result that counts.  Did you not bring me more trouble?  Did you not ruin everything?  Then that means what you were doing was wrong."

There is just no way of "winning", is there?

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi Chosen,

I'm sorry you're being so unnapreciated. It does happen to me in different things. I provide for my Gf and her kids, and sometimes I'm treated as useless, as "not good enough". To me this comes and goes, it's not allways like that. Sometimes she is very appreciative of presents.

I believe in the root of it, is that they feel they are not good enough to us or anybody. So the more we give them, the more they owe us, the more in debt. So, if they can convince themselves that the present was not good, then they don't owe us anything from it. They feel shame about not having anything to give, in their minds.

I keep reminding myself that it is me who has to value myself. And support myself, and validate my emotions. That's how I deal with it. She has a disability, and if I expect that she reacts differently, I'm gonna be disapointed.

[Tattered Heart]

I have the same issue with gifts too. Just yesterday I surprised my H with 4 baby chicks of a rare breed that he has wanted for a long time. He liked them but didn't react the way I thought he would. Last week was his birthday and he didn't seem thrilled with the expensive cologne I bought him either--told me he likes a different scent.

I know for my H they did not celebrate Christmas growing up. They were pretty poor so gift giving was not important to them. My spending money on Christmas presents makes him mad because he thinks it's wasteful. His FOO didn't make a big deal about birthdays. He hates Valentine's Day.

I've learned that I just can't take it personally. I find the joy in gift giving for the sake of giving. I thought of him and got something that showed him I care about him and even if he doesn't like it, I can enjoy the moment. He doesn't have to like it, but does he really "like" anything? I don't know that I've ever seen my H get excited about anything. Does yours get excited about stuff?

I try to find ways that I can give him things he likes. For instance this morning he wanted to leave for work early so I stayed later at the house to take care of farm chores. To him that is a gift. That speaks more loudly to him than buying him something.

Could you change the way you view gift giving? Find out what his love language is and try to "give" to him in that way. And treat the buying gifts just as a normal, hey, bought this for you, but it's no big deal? As a side note with the subscription box, could you offer to pick it up for him to take the negative connotation out of the gift? And it would also show him kindess by helping him with something he thinks of us drudgery?