How to respond so as not to cause rage

[Windy9973]

My husband was diagnosed with BPD in September. Since then I have been reading books and website on it. I also have been trying to learn how to help both of us and make our marriage healthier. Before the diagnoses I had become very depressed and felt hopeless. Now I am still depressed but have some hope that maybe things will get better now that we know what we are dealing with and my husband is attempting to stop certain behaviors.

Anyway, he still rages and will go off on me. Sometimes its brief and other times it lasts hours. The majority of the time I'm confused as to why he is even angry. I don't understand why he is being triggered by some things. For example, a few weeks ago he seemed to be in a good mood and we were having a good night watching tv together. We were commenting on these women's hairstyles on tv and I said "my hairstyle is not fancy like her. I have more of a plain hairstyle". I like my hair so didn't mean it in a negative way. So he says in a sneering voice "oh that's the kind of night we are going to have" and he leaves to go in the other room. I have learned its best to let him go. I then hear something being thrown. Then he comes out to the where I'm at and just start yelling and degrading me. He is a large guy with a deep voice. Its a bit intimidating when he yells at me. So its hard to think what to say. I know I'm suppose to validate at times but I'm so confused as to what I'm suppose to say? This particular time I said nothing because was too stressed and confused. At other times I was still confused but just acknowledged that he was upset but it didnt help him calm down. I understand how to validate when I can figure out his trigger, even if I don't agree with what he is saying, but how do I do it when I'm really confused why he is upset?

Also, another thing he has been doing and only started lately was wanting to tell me some of his thoughts. I usually attentively listen and validate, but lately he wants to tell me thoughts of him hurting others. He always says he would never hurt anyone and these are just thoughts, but I find what he is saying difficult to listen too. One specific time he went on to give me details about how he would hurt these people that annoyed him. I was listening but he was explicit in details and I made a face that I guess showed concerned and being uncomfortable and he flew into a rage for the next hour. He said if he can't get his ideas out then he will just explode and emphasize again its only thoughts and he would never hurt anyone. Does anyone have any ideas how I should respond when he tells me about these violent thoughts?

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi Windy9973,

It sounds very confusing and intimidating, most of us would not know what to do. And the few that would know, in theory, being in the situation might freeze and not acting.

I can tell you this, the tools take time to "make total sense". You read something and it makes perfect sense, and then you try to put in in practice, and you think "maybe it doesn't apply in my sittuation". Then other day you read it in another place, and you find a new sense... .But it takes more than a few months to know what works with your partner, and what doesn't. Likewise, some tools will resonate with the way you are, and some just would be too forced against your personality to use. Some of the dinamic has to change by understanding the concepts in a intuitive fashion, so you don't realize the process, but one day you are doing things differently and things work better.

I think you need a bit more time. You need to trust that it will come, and not panic about what doesn't work.  Another thing that works against us, is that it may get worse before it gets better. Your SO might show some resistance to change, and act worse when you change your patterns, so he keeps you the way he knows you. You need to be consistent, and thing fall into place.

For me, when my SO doesn't seem to respond, I make an effort to think about myself. As in: today I lost the "fight", but do I have to be worn out for the next one? Do I have to end as frustrated as she is angry? Or is there a way to retire and save my energy for when it does some good?

They are gonna keep being disregulated sometimes, hopefully less and less, but sometimes it will be unavoidable, and instead of riding the wave we have to dive under it. YOU are not the one that is supposed to fix him. You don't have to be perfect so he can act out. You can do your part, but if you are scared, or frozen, you have the right to do what YOU need.
Think about your family situation, and figure out how to take a time out. It can be just going to the bathroom, get out to buy something you just "realize it was needed". Give yourself time to calm down, to feel safe and to colect your thoughts and figure out an strategy.

Knowing him, think about how you can say "Honey, I'm very stressed, can we talk about this tomorrow/ later?"

The other issue, I can understand how it is very unsettling for you. If you want to hear less details, you can ask him how does it make him feel to have those thoughts. Is it a ritual that he actively does to calm down, or are they intrusive thoughts that come even if he doesn't want to think about them? If he is receptive, you can say that you love him and understand what he is saying but at the same time you can be shocked about graphic details, your face has to do with the details, not with you judging him.  Think about that behavior in a kid, they can tell you things that are very shocking and inappropriate, and they don't see what's wrong. He does see it, but can't help it, so he feels very defensive about it, he's feeling judged and ashamed, but he has no fix for that, so he acts out.

Ok, you can say "I understand that those thoughts help you deal with the wrongs that these people did you, I believe you are a good person and that you won't act on them. I also understand your need to tell someone, and I'm here for you. You just need to understand as well that sometimes I will be startled, but I never stop being on your side."

Even as it sounds creepy, it is a good thing that he has a mechanism to deal with rage, that doesn't involve hurting anyone, or himself. As long as you watch it closely to figure out if he indeed calms himself, or if it can escalate.

Having said all that, I'm concern about your safety. Is this all you are stressed about, or do you also fear for your safety?

Does he adknowledge that he treates you unfairly? Does he apologize when he is regulated? Does he remember?

Hope you can tell us.

[pearlsw]

Hey JoeBPD81,

Just wanted to say this was a really helpful reply! I think you put this very well! It takes awhile to get used to using all the tools, they might not work every time, some things fit your personality, some don't, sometimes you have to just dive under the wave. Great way of describing all this!

Yesterday I did not do a good job of the tools and I had really bad results. But later, not long later, I got myself to at least not engage and wait... .I got lucky and things were calm and then improved. In the initial moment I was caught off guard, then a part of me just could not bring myself to follow any plan and just wanted to have my feelings. I paid a price, but I got lucky and things got better. We won't always be able to do our best, but we have to just pick up, learn what lessons we can, and keep going. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out and for making me feel better!  

And to Windy9973, I'd review all you can about validation. It's very hard at times, especially when we hear horrible things, but if you can train yourself to listen to the feelings maybe you can find a way to respond to them. Wish you much luck with all this! It takes time, but there can be successes.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm glad I was helpful to you. I hope things are better.

I'm not on a good place this week, wish I was stronger and I could follow my own advice. 

[isilme]

Hi Windy. 

And the few that would know, in theory, being in the situation might freeze and not acting.

Totally me, though I don't claim to know, really.  What I see is that once a rage has started, the best we can do is mitigate it to not make it worse.  That's pretty much the first thing in the tools to try to get a handle on - what is our natural reaction that really feeds the rage instead of dousing it?  We want to Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain (JADE).  It's normal.  We are taught as children that if only people could better explain themselves, no fights would ever happen and no one would ever get mad.  Nope.  That assumes equal emotional stability, footing, and understanding, and the word assume has "ass, u," and "me" in it. 

Also, we make the mistake of assuming (here it is again) that the rage is based on something we did or said or some immediate cause we can control.  Also, nope.  Sure, we are a convenient target for it, and we will hear all manner of reasons it's all our fault for not being 100% perfect... .but that is simply impossible and irrational, and to some extent, we all need to learn to disregard those statements.  I would try to not listen to much said by a drunk person, or take it was absolute fact, so why am I going to listen to the ravings of a person "drunk" on their own emotions?

H will sometimes go off about something that happened years ago after something on TV reminds him of it.  It may take a careless comment on my part as the trigger, but the emotions are rooted far from anything going on at the moment.  Over the years, I can spot certain things that usually can result in a period of dysregulation (like now, the holidays and his family - ugh).  Other times, I am blindsided.  BPD never goes away.  It can get better, but it's always going to be part of your SO. 

BPD is a disorder of emotional immaturity, poor emotional control, and shame avoidance, as far as I can see.  Once you can piece that together, and see patterns in your own pqBPD's actions, you will be better prepared for when a  rage might occur, and when validation can stave it off, and when you simply need to find a way to get out of the room/house and let the rage pass, and when you have no choice but to sit there and try to not internalize any of the comments born of rage. 

Thoughts about hurting others - look for the FEELING behind the comments.  Don't validate the invalid, you do NOT validate hurting people.  You CAN validate the FEELINGS he must be feeling that the actions of some people can be annoying, that you understand he is upset, that you've felt annoyed before, too.  THIS is what is needed - let him know you are hearing how he FEELS.  Sometimes that alone is all they are asking for.