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Author Topic: Mom begging friends to pay her rent  (Read 721 times)
momisborderline

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« on: November 14, 2017, 06:20:56 PM »

So, my mom has become that person... .the person who calls family friends to beg for money. I got a call from a woman who has known my mom for 50 years (mom is 75, I'm 49) this friend is very wealthy but has lots of her own family problems to worry about. Apparently my mom has been emailing her and telling her how my father (her ex-husband of 30 years) "screwed" her in the divorce settlement, hid assets, and now she's on the verge of not being able to make her rent and point blank asked her to pay her rent.

Friend called me to say how distressed she was to get this email from my undiagnosed BPDm and wanting to get some clarity as to how dire the situation really is.

 As an aside, from everything I know about my parents divorce, (which is alot because my mom basically made me her emotional surrogate and support at an early age and overshared everything with me) my mother did receive half of their assets and it was a healthy sum of money. Not enough to live like a rock star, but enough to live a comfortable life, and not even have to work if she budgeted carefully. As the good little parentified child, I have access to her accounts and while she has squandered a great deal of money and probably will run out in 2-3 years, she's not "on the verge of being homeless" or "having to move to a terrible apartment" if Friend doesn't help her out. The other important point is that 2 months ago, I stopped talking to my mom and 1 month ago I went total NC.

So, I told Friend basically that I didn't want to be in a communication triangle with her and my mom, and, that like the rest of the world, she'd have to budget but that she was not in danger of being tossed out onto the street, and that my mom and I had been estranged for about 2 months. Friend asked some really direct questions such as "so you've seen bank statements?" and tried to do some "back of the envelope" forecasting with me to try and figure out how much money/how long before my mom was out of money.

I said that I was embarrassed to be talking about these things outside of the family and that without going into details, as I said. the last I'd checked, ( few months ago) she was not on the verge of eviction. I said that I wondered if my mom's recent outreach to Friend was in fact driven by the rupture in my relationship with her.  Friend said she was embarrassed to have to discuss this with me and that my mom said it was "humbling" to have to reach out to her with this request.

I basically ended the call by saying Friend had been a good friend to my mom over the decades and that I can imagine how shocked she was to get this email. Friend replied "well she's been talking about running out of money for years" but that this "sounded more severe" and she wanted to know how to "best advise" my mother. I said I really didn't know what to tell her because I don't know what my mom is doing and no longer am in contact with her.

I didn't say this to Friend but there IS NO AMOUNT OF MONEY that will ever be enough for her. It's not money that's what's missing in her life. That being said, my mother is horrible about money. She spends like a "drunken sailor" (my dad's words) and I didn't say this to Friend, but, mom is an alcoholic and is drinking again.

I might be projecting, but Friend's call felt like a very pointed "you should take care of your mother" call. Friend knows full well that she has alienated all her other children and family members and that I'm the last one speaking to her. Well, I was anyway up until recently.

My T says this is my mom "pulling out all the stops" in order to get me to reply to her, and to not give into the tantrum.

And this is my favorite part: over the years I've heard my mom describe Friend as a "spoiled little rich girl" and a "cold fish" but of course when she needs something, she emails her and lays it on thick to get what she wants. Classic splitting.

So here are my closing thoughts:
1. I want a drink. 3 days ago I decided not to drink for 2 weeks, trying to take off a few remaining pounds to fit into a dress for a wedding. I want a drink so badly but really want to get through this without drinking!

2. Irrational fear - I honest to God thought "what if my mom has learned about this messageboard, and is reading this post and knows I'm talking?" Can you believe that? I am really struck by how as a child I was never allowed my own thoughts and feelings and that even as an adult, I struggle to "allow" myself to have them. My mother wanted to know every thought and feeling that I had, and then of course they would be used against me. Total emotional vampire.

3. It makes me sick to type these next words- but in order to get the strength to go NC with her, I had to make my peace with the fact that she may end up homeless and that I wouldn't save her. Another irrational fear, perhaps, but I can honestly say I am driven to a place where I'm dead inside when it comes to that fear. Well, maybe that's not true, it makes me very sad to think it could come to that, but as my T said "in order to save her, you would be destroyed."
ugh... .
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Struggles
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« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2017, 07:47:24 PM »

I'm so sorry you had to have that awkward conversation with your moms friend.  I have also expected that we will receive those kinds of phone calls/conversations with other family members trying to get us back to contact again.

I swear we have the same ways of thinking, because I have also been afraid that my undiagnosed BPD MIL would find the message board and know it was me.  So I totally get that, I think we have just been so conditioned over the years to keep things quiet and go along to get along, that finally taking care of ourselves and not allowing the abuse scares us in a sense, even though it also feels very freeing.

How has the NC been with your mom since your last post?  Anything coming through spam anymore? 

I've been wondering how you were doing, so glad you posted, just sorry it had to be in these circumstances!

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momisborderline

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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2017, 10:36:31 PM »

I'm so sorry you had to have that awkward conversation with your moms friend.  I have also expected that we will receive those kinds of phone calls/conversations with other family members trying to get us back to contact again.

I swear we have the same ways of thinking, because I have also been afraid that my undiagnosed BPD MIL would find the message board and know it was me.  So I totally get that, I think we have just been so conditioned over the years to keep things quiet and go along to get along, that finally taking care of ourselves and not allowing the abuse scares us in a sense, even though it also feels very freeing.

How has the NC been with your mom since your last post?  Anything coming through spam anymore? 

I've been wondering how you were doing, so glad you posted, just sorry it had to be in these circumstances!


Thanks, Struggles, for this nice reply. Overall I'm doing well,  and nothing has come through the spam folder for nearly a week. However, the holiday season is upon us, and this is the first holiday I will have ever not been in contact with my mom. And of course, we know how challenging the holidays are for the BPDs in our lives.

Speaking of challenging behaviors, how are things going with your MIL? I've been thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok.
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Turkish
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« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2017, 12:22:32 AM »

I see nothing wrong with doing SET on your mother's friend. 

"I understand that you are concerned about her financial situation.  I'd be concerned as well,  and I was for many years.  However, even though she received sufficient assets after the divorce,  her history is spending habits indicate that she's a poor steward of her money."

My mom had $4600 in her bank account after she lived with us for four months.  I never charged her rent and paid most of the food,  etc.

After I had to return her to her filthy hoard home,  I got one last bank statement before she changed her address back: $600. She blew about $3k in 8 days.  Even though she got her utilities turned back on,  it couldn't have been that much. 

I got a lot of guilt,  mostly from my mom's past neighbor of 18 years,  who had spent money on my mom,  the poor elderly lady down the dirt road who often couldn't feed her menagerie or herself. 

There is no fixing someone who can't manage money until they first realize that they can't. 

Being homeless is extreme.  My mom gets social security and Medicare.  Adult Protective Services ended up setting her up in a local strip motel which was populated by similarly low functioning people.  She's warm,  safe,  and fed (meals on wheels).

I could have erased her financial issues by writing a check,  but I rescued thusly so much in the past I was done.  It isn't about the money,  it's about enabling a person not to realize that consequences of their actions. 

Mental illness may be an explanation,  but it isn't an excuse. 
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Struggles
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« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2017, 09:58:16 AM »

Thanks, Struggles, for this nice reply. Overall I'm doing well,  and nothing has come through the spam folder for nearly a week. However, the holiday season is upon us, and this is the first holiday I will have ever not been in contact with my mom. And of course, we know how challenging the holidays are for the BPDs in our lives.

Speaking of challenging behaviors, how are things going with your MIL? I've been thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok.

You are right about the holiday season being challenging for them.  And this year for us being our first no contact holiday is going to be challenging for us as well.  But we will make it through. 

We still haven't had contact with my MIL.  She did manage to text through my FILs phone, but my husband quickly picked up on the fact that it wasn't his dad and didn't reply. 

We aren't doing Thanksgiving with the rest of the family this year.  We are cooking at our house, for ourselves and a few in laws may come eat with us a second time later that afternoon.

We do know we will see her for an event for the kids mid December, and we will be around her for Christmas, so we just aren't sure how any of that will go or how to handle the NC rule when we have to be around her.  So awkward.  We shall see.
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momisborderline

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« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2017, 04:51:57 PM »

I see nothing wrong with doing SET on your mother's friend. 

"I understand that you are concerned about her financial situation.  I'd be concerned as well,  and I was for many years.  However, even though she received sufficient assets after the divorce,  her history is spending habits indicate that she's a poor steward of her money."

My mom had $4600 in her bank account after she lived with us for four months.  I never charged her rent and paid most of the food,  etc.

After I had to return her to her filthy hoard home,  I got one last bank statement before she changed her address back: $600. She blew about $3k in 8 days.  Even though she got her utilities turned back on,  it couldn't have been that much. 

I got a lot of guilt,  mostly from my mom's past neighbor of 18 years,  who had spent money on my mom,  the poor elderly lady down the dirt road who often couldn't feed her menagerie or herself. 

There is no fixing someone who can't manage money until they first realize that they can't. 

Being homeless is extreme.  My mom gets social security and Medicare.  Adult Protective Services ended up setting her up in a local strip motel which was populated by similarly low functioning people.  She's warm,  safe,  and fed (meals on wheels).

I could have erased her financial issues by writing a check,  but I rescued thusly so much in the past I was done.  It isn't about the money,  it's about enabling a person not to realize that consequences of their actions. 

Mental illness may be an explanation,  but it isn't an excuse. 
Thanks, Turkish, using SET  is a good idea and your suggested reply is perfect. Very helpful. I'm sure I'll have occasion to use this again. And I should brush up on SET. Sounds like you have really been there with your mom. Thanks for sharing your experience and this suggestion.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2017, 06:08:28 AM »

I bet that was uncomfortable.


I think you did the right thing by telling the friend you didn't want to be involved in a triangle. In fact you could also have said that you haven't been in contact lately with your mother and so are not aware of her financial state and stay completely out of that.

I also was enlisted as a caretaker for my mother as a young teen and parentified. Yet I am also her black child so she alternates between expecting me to do something for her and me being a terrible daughter. I have to now get used to the idea that her friends and family most likely think I am a horrible daughter who is neglecting my duty to take care of her- and this is what she tells them.

Consider family systems work as a unit as well. My father is now deceased but when he was ill, I stepped in the situation in my role of caretaker to help him. Basically this meant appease my mother and accept her abusing me. It was overwhelming. I decided for my own sanity- and my family- I couldn't do this and began to set boundaries. The whole extended family jumped in to rally me into my role- telling me how wonderful my mother was, and eventually deciding I was the "problem" in the relationship with her. She's even had her helper ( she is elderly and has assistance) call me up to tell me how wonderful she is and how I need to be a better daughter. I know my mother is standing right there telling her to do this and the poor woman is terrified for her job.

I also feared my mother would mismanage the money Dad left her and she does. However, she didn't want me on her bank accounts when I offered.

If I choose to have boundaries with my mother, I also have to accept that the consequences are her painting me black. I have to accept that some of the people in her circle think I am a horrible daughter. But I prefer to not be involved in the dysfunction with her.
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bright_future_mama
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« Reply #7 on: November 21, 2017, 07:13:29 PM »


I didn't say this to Friend but there IS NO AMOUNT OF MONEY that will ever be enough for her. It's not money that's what's missing in her life. That being said, my mother is horrible about money. She spends like a "drunken sailor" (my dad's words) and I didn't say this to Friend, but, mom is an alcoholic and is drinking again.

And this is my favorite part: over the years I've heard my mom describe Friend as a "spoiled little rich girl" and a "cold fish" but of course when she needs something, she emails her and lays it on thick to get what she wants. Classic splitting.


Holy smokes!  Your situation sounds so similar to mine.  My mom has actually forged federal student loan documents and my sisters are paying back 25,000 each.  She has no remorse over this and they know better than to challenge her on it.  She was recently caught stealing from vendors at her husband's antique store.  She also got credit cards in her newest husband's name.  He is well off.  There was no reason for her to steal or need money.  It isn't about the money though.  I remember her taking my paychecks when I would work in college. She also took my sister's piggy bank. She would tell me I couldn't go to college anymore but buy all these $250 antique ink wells and trinkets.  Once she bought a $20,000 bedroom suite and was trying to figure out how to slip how much it cost past my Dad.  She would take the phone off the hook and hide it under the pillow in my sister's room because of creditors calling.  I am no contact, but my aunt thinks she broke into their house to recover my Grandfather's will.  She's trying to manipulate that in her favor as well.  Money is all she cares about but I think she is unknowingly trying to fill a hole in herself.  Clout and prestige mean a lot to her.
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momisborderline

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« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2017, 02:20:19 PM »


There was no reason for her to steal or need money.  It isn't about the money though.  I remember her taking my paychecks when I would work in college. She also took my sister's piggy bank. She would tell me I couldn't go to college anymore but buy all these $250 antique ink wells and trinkets.  Once she bought a $20,000 bedroom suite and was trying to figure out how to slip how much it cost past my Dad.  She would take the phone off the hook and hide it under the pillow in my sister's room because of creditors calling.  I am no contact, but my aunt thinks she broke into their house to recover my Grandfather's will.  She's trying to manipulate that in her favor as well.  Money is all she cares about but I think she is unknowingly trying to fill a hole in herself.  Clout and prestige mean a lot to her.

 Oh yes, there's a lot here I can relate to. My mom used to make my father crazed with anxiety about her spending, and she was always trying to hide her spending from him. Then he would find out and lose it. I remember him yelling at her once "do you think money grows on trees? Do you think I just go into the back yard and pick the bills of the $20 trees while I wait for the $100 trees to mature?" That is truly awful that she would take money from you and your sister to blow on trinkets and then tell you that you couldn't go to college. And as to your aunt's suspicion, if your mom is anything like my mom, she definitely is trying to do exactly that! You see, when my mom's father (my grandfather) died, my mom went over to his house to get the will, when she arrived, she found that my uncle and his attorney were already there and locked her out! You see, they had anticipated that she might try and manipulate the will to her advantage! It was a little confusing bc my grandfather was always changing his will when he'd get mad at one or the other of them,but the good news was there was a will on file with an attorney in his office and at the end of the day, my grandfather's wishes were followed. Although my mom to this day, 40 years later, will tell you that my uncle and his attorney did something to skew it in his favor. (The truth was, my uncle was left more money than my mom, he is severely mentally ill, paranoid schizophrenic, and unable to work. My mother, at the time was married to my father who was fairly successful) Good luck and keep posting!
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Penny123

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« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2018, 06:56:57 AM »

I can so relate to this! My 73 year old BPDMom (I'm 49)  is all about getting money from my brother and I these days (actually, I should say 2 years). She has also been turned away from doctors on getting Klonopin and Narco so she is getting it on the streets. She bought an expensive car for her budget 2 years ago. She received an inheritance from the death of her Mom and has a steady income from the government and alimony to live off of. It's a monthly income she could live off of.                                                      She has blown through her inheritance and she says I'm responsible for her car which I told her not to buy or pay off immediately but she didn't. She says I'm responsible (because doctors have turned her away) for the illegal buying esp for the Klonopin.
I've helped her financially, I've helped her get back on her feet from hospital visits, I'm constantly there for her complaining. She says I never do enough and I will always have to help financially. I'm about done with all this. She manipulates, lies, bullies, and harasses me. She uses bible verses against me. She tells me I'm dead to her if she doesn't get what she wants.                       Some of her friends (which she has a couple) have come to me because she has been asking them for money even when she has some in the bank. She won't take my advice to cut some costs and she won't be transparent on her expenditures. "Stay out of my business" she says while she first requests money and then demands it. I'm contemplating  cutting off contact but then my poor brother has to deal with it. I still care for her and love her because I had a fairly good childhood. How do I deprogram myself from the fear, obligation, and guilt of her money problems?
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