40 days later

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It’s been over a month since she walked out on me, when earlier the same day we were making plans for my birthday, and the week before I was the most amazing person to her. I can’t let go of all the things she said, and I’ve thought of her every single day since. So I decided to write her a goodbye last night, and got this response:

“Yes I will send you your stuff back, I only have that sweatshirt and a T-shirt.
Thanks for sending the book back, too. Dad was asking about it the other day.


As for everything else, thanks for sharing your mind with me. I’ll never turn that down. And I’m always here for you if you need me! I tried my best explaining why I had to do what I did a couple times. And there really isn’t much more to it, than what I already said.
You permanently have a little place in my heart, and I’ll always care.
But I just couldn’t see it really really hitting off further than it did. And im truly sorry for that, I couldn’t force the stronger feeling that came next.
Sometimes you meet people that are only in your life for a little while, usually it’s for a reason... I don’t think we were meant to be together than we were any longer, who knows though.
You taught me that all guys aren’t crap. There are real, genuine men out there, which you are.

I really do hope you can let go of the way you felt about me someday, to open a new door for someone even better to walk in.
Thank you for treating me so unbelievably well when you did, and being there.

But you should know, this isn’t the end of the road, AT ALL. And you will find someone even better who doesn’t have the issues I do, and stays.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay.
But I really wish you the best, too.”

Obviously I was idealized for months, but this doesn’t even sound like any of the devalues I’ve read about. I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter, as she’s gone and clearly not coming back. But out of all that, I’m clinging to one thing: “who knows though.” I thought saying goodbye would make me feel better and would help me let go, but it just made things worse. I set myself back. I still want this girl back in my life, I want her to remember how she felt about me.

[Loveless2615]

It’s been over a month since she walked out on me, when earlier the same day we were making plans for my birthday, and the week before I was the most amazing person to her. I can’t let go of all the things she said, and I’ve thought of her every single day since. So I decided to write her a goodbye last night, and got this response:

“Yes I will send you your stuff back, I only have that sweatshirt and a T-shirt.
Thanks for sending the book back, too. Dad was asking about it the other day.


As for everything else, thanks for sharing your mind with me. I’ll never turn that down. And I’m always here for you if you need me! I tried my best explaining why I had to do what I did a couple times. And there really isn’t much more to it, than what I already said.
You permanently have a little place in my heart, and I’ll always care.
But I just couldn’t see it really really hitting off further than it did. And im truly sorry for that, I couldn’t force the stronger feeling that came next.
Sometimes you meet people that are only in your life for a little while, usually it’s for a reason... I don’t think we were meant to be together than we were any longer, who knows though.
You taught me that all guys aren’t crap. There are real, genuine men out there, which you are.

I really do hope you can let go of the way you felt about me someday, to open a new door for someone even better to walk in.
Thank you for treating me so unbelievably well when you did, and being there.

But you should know, this isn’t the end of the road, AT ALL. And you will find someone even better who doesn’t have the issues I do, and stays.
I’m sorry I couldn’t stay.
But I really wish you the best, too.”

Obviously I was idealized for months, but this doesn’t even sound like any of the devalues I’ve read about. I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter, as she’s gone and clearly not coming back. But out of all that, I’m clinging to one thing: “who knows though.” I thought saying goodbye would make me feel better and would help me let go, but it just made things worse. I set myself back. I still want this girl back in my life, I want her to remember how she felt about me.

[Harley Quinn]

I'm sorry to hear that your attempt at closure didn't have the desired results.  Were you hoping to feel released from the longing or did you hope there might be a chance to rekindle things by opening up a dialogue?  It's sounding like you're left feeling like the contact has widened the wound.

Three little words.  Who knows though.  What an impact that can have on a fragile heart.  Do you think this was meant in a conversational way or it had intent to keep you hooked Loveless?  She also states that she will be there if you need her, so the door is slightly ajar by the sounds of it.  Certainly not slammed shut.
 
Overall her message is very warm and considerate of your feelings.  She sounds level headed and self aware.  From what I read here, I get the impression that she does remember how she felt about you.  She just knew her limits and perhaps she had reached them in the r/s.  I know this doesn't make it any less painful for you and I'm sorry you must go through this.  Allow your feelings to surface and don't try to push them down.  Let yourself have a damn good cry.   

Although this has been hard to receive, you've left things on a positive note between you by both wishing one another well and being decent with each other.  That's the best anyone can do after a breakup. 

Love and light x         

[Mutt]

Hi loveless2615,



Not every pwBPD are equal, BPD on it’s own has different traits, different severity of the disorder along a continuum and every person afflicted with the disorder is a different person with different personality traits, different family and cultural backgrounds.

I agree with Harley Quinn, it sounds like she has some level of awareness and she might be sparring you heartbreak further down the road. Maybe she knows that she’s dysfunctional and that she hurts partners that she’s in r/s’s with?

I don’t agree with how she walked out on you though and it telegraphs in her letter that she doesn’t grasp how her choices and actions impact those that are in relationships with her. Does anyone ends sense that she’s cantered on herself and that she could display more empathy?

Again I agree with Harley Quinn, your ex says something similar. I get the impression that she’s expressing herself with how she feels presently, she felt differently in the past and her feelings may be different in the future. Set her needs aside and focus on what you need for yourself, that could be self protection for now, detachment to heal and move on... .

She left you in a pretty heartless way, if I were you, i would think that if she can do something later or this once what’s to say that she’s not going to do it again? It was previously stated that she has some awareness but it doesn’t sound like she’s prepared to self reflect, she’s not introverted enough to make the necessary changes on herself to approach r/s’s differently. Who knows she might in the future though but you’ll probably in another r/s before that happens. Shift the focus on you, and take really good care of yourself.

[unicorn2014]

I hate to break it to you but that note sounds like emotional manipulation to me. Its possible she's more on the narcissistic side in which case she might be keeping you around for what's called "supply". This is a very difficult time. It can be very hard to hear the truth about these people. 40 days is just the beginning of the recovery process. I'm glad you're here.

[zeus123]

I am gonna have to agree with keeponkeepingon, borderlines are emotional vampire and in a relationship they look primarily for narcissistic supply only. I think there is nothing genuine about her response no matter how beautifully the wording is crafted. Your needs didn't matter during the relationship and I think they won't matter now after the relationship ended. Borderlines are masters(pardon the expression) on manipulating their victims . She wants to keep you around just in case she needs a favour from you or to reuse you again in case she's low on supply(her current relationship is not going well). In my view NC is the only remedy for you to completely detach from a toxic person and to move on with your life. Whenever you establish any sort of contact it will be a set back on the road to your recovery. If you receive any message from her again don't read it but DELETE DELETE DELETE, hitting the ball across the net only prolongs your pain. she doesn't/can't care about you or love you no matter what she says, borderlines lack empathy she has no feelings for you, she bandy about the word love but it's nothing but a form of manipulation and it's a part of her defence mechanism that she employ since she was a child. Please inform yourself more about BPDs it will help on your way to recovery.

[tornANDfrayed]

I think Harleys response is a great summary/way of looking at it though I would caution you about reading too far into it one way or the other. Although all BPDs truly are different and she does seem self aware, as pointed out (and you're likely aware) they can be quite manipulative. Upon reading your OP the comment ''who knows though'' stuck out immediately to me as well. It could very well be leaving that door cracked intentionally but at this point in your process it may not be a threshold thats safe/for you best interests to cross. As gut wrenching as it may be. I'm in a very similar place as you with almost two months of no contact. When you're reflecting on all the great moments its so easy to think "what if... ." and "if only I" or "if only they." But I'm beginning to realize that these scenarios are all but impossible. Ive been thinking for quite a while that I would "love" for her to reach out to me in this manner that your ex has, so I could have a better sense of closure and a bit of a release as my ex partner with BPD was the one who stopped replying all together to me. At the same time now I think this too would set me back, that I may not benefit at all. I really feel for you on this. I sometimes want to reach out still or think of if I do talk to her again that I want to say "you know I deserved better than how you left it, you did me wrong after all the care I poured into you" but likely won't get that chance and maybe thats okay? Because I believe she knows that. I DO still consider her a good person. But I think the guilt, shame and emptiness is just too much for her to reflect on and find any words to admit her fault. That its simply easier and more convenient to force these thoughts far far away as thats what she's been conditioned to do, to pursue unhealthy quick fixes/coping mechanisms. Its sad and its twisted but I really do believe I did my best for what I knew about her situation. It kills but I need to stop beating myself up at some point. Your ex mentioning you treating her so "unbelievably good when you did" I would consider sincere. And I would suggests you take pride in knowing that and ACTUALLY getting her to admit that. Its beyond difficult to let go but you absolutely need to be kind to yourself while you heal.