Newbie Needing Space

[GreyCloudCat]

Hi!   I am completely new here, after searching for some time trying to find the right kind of forum to discuss the issues I've been facing. I know I desperately need a community in which I'm able to discuss my relationship... .This seems like a great place to be, so thank you all for existing and sharing.

As a bit of background, I'm 28 years old and I've been in an off and on again relationship with my partner for as long as I can remember, he was literally my first partner - we've been very solidly ON for ten years, we're engaged, very much in love and happy together. For as long as I've known him he has had pretty severely bad mental health which we have always just put down to anxiety and depression. This never quite cut it as a diagnosis however, and therapy for depression never seemed to work as the therapist could not understand how his "depression"/mood swings could happen without any discernible cause or trigger.

Over the past few months he's had a pretty bad mental health breakdown, he's begun self harming again, having daily panic attacks and severely dark thoughts, and has had to quit going to work altogether. I'd noticed him dissociating a lot over the years, but was recently prompted to investigate what that word really meant. That led me down the path of looking into symptoms of BPD and DID. He has not yet been able to get a thorough assessment and diagnosis for this (still on a waiting list), but I gently brought up the topic with him, and we have been absolutely bowled-over minds-blown by just how well descriptions of BPD & DID seems to describe his experiences thoroughly - he has done free online assessments which indicate he is highly likely to be experiencing both of these. We're not experts of course, and we don't want to seek an incorrect diagnosis, however regardless of what diagnosis he receives, he is definitely experiencing BPD symptoms. Being given this as a new basis of understanding his thoughts and behaviours has been like finally receiving a User Guide for a complicated machine I've always struggled with, and as scary as it all is, I'm excited to learn more and talk with others, in the hope of improving our relationship and making things a little easier on both of us.

I have plenty of things I'm very eager to discuss/ask, but thought it best to introduce myself first. Any recommendations of websites or reading material or self-help will be so so appreciated, I really hope to be able to talk with some of you more soon.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

HI GreyCloudCat,

Welcome

I'm sorry to hear that things have been difficult in your relationship, but it looks like you are both starting to get some traction in finding a diagnosis. I hope that goes well for you.

We have a lot of books and lessons that can help you begin to learn more about your relationship. We have a whole section of Book Reviews on the topic of BPD. We also have several lessons on the right side of the page. ----> My favorite reading section is the workshops. Here's a link to one of our first workshops on The Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship . Looking forward to learning more about you and your situation.

[GreyCloudCat]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Thank you for your message and your friendly welcome  Thanks also for pointing me in the direction of the book reviews and workshops, I'm having a look through the ":)o's and Donts" now While I'm here, specific tips that would be helpful at this time is managing his clingyness and fear of abandonment. I can deal with it happily myself, as his primary partner I have lots of love and reassurance to give. It becomes more difficult when it is other people such as other close friends and family members that he feels worried about losing. His low self esteem doesn't allow him to think anything other than the worst, and I don't know how to reassure him without invalidating the feelings he's experiencing. I'm struggling to keep my own mood and mental health in check at the moment too, but I've never sought help for this because I've always seen myself as not-as-bad-as him, and so not worthy of help. Is there anyone reading who has found any types of therapy particularly helpful for reframing how you see your relationship and deal with the difficulties and frustrations?

[DaddyBear77]

Hello GreyCloudCat,

I just saw this note and saw that you had some questions. I wanted to provide some perspective from someone who has similar struggles.

First of all, I often think of things in terms of "managing" my partner's BPD / NPD traits. I am very often trying to find ways to reassure her when she fears abandonment, or when she imagines worst case scenarios. A popular one nowadays has been fears of nuclear war, floods, natural disasters, etc. What I've learned over the years is that the absolute WORST thing to do is to tell them how unlikely these things are. See the lesson here on Invalidation. Sometimes I can deal with the fear of abandonment using recent evidence of my commitment, but often this skates the line of invalidation if I don't take extreme care to validate what she's feeling first. A good tool here is SET (click here).

In regards to types of therapy, are you speaking about therapy for yourself or for your partner with BPD? If you're speaking about yourself, I can offer the insight that just having someone to talk to (talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, or something similar) offers the best grounding support. Often we just need someone who can have more reasonable, validating responses to our concerns. Often our partners can't offer this, at least not consistently. Having a therapist who can offer this is really helpful.

I hope this helps. How are things going lately?