Nearly 2 months NC--officially just replaced

[tornANDfrayed]

(basically just venting here and making an update for those who feel like reading)

I've been nearly two months without any contact with my BPDex, 3 months out of the relationship. I stopped the pursuit two months ago though she was the one who completely stopped responding. She's a very low functioning person and deals with inner conflict. Not the type who can be physically abusive or would rage but obviously manipulative and emotionally abusive. Me being a very empathetic person and having the 'hero' mindset I of course thought that I could help this person and went to ridiculous, unhealthy lengths while looking past all the obvious red flags. I clearly have my own set of issues with codependency and things that Im learning to address and will keep up in mind moving forward. The break up came after an extended period of being devalued and ultimately stonewalled. I suspect the guilt and shame became too much for her to handle as she could see I was crumbling and we (she) eventually ended it. I had it in my mind that we could be at the very least be civil and made it known Id want a friendship with her down the line but that too was not in the cards. Shortly after the breakup I unfriended her on facebook (sounds childish, I know) after seeing heavy flirting one night between her and a random guy in a different state across the country. Someone shed never met or could even make a possibility of replacing me with due to her low functioning lifestyle but someone who she was clearly infatuated with and was an unhealthy coping mechanism for her to get by and focus on. Me unfriending her from my POV was one to send the message that I wasn't okay with that/not interested in seeing what she was up to any longer and two to genuinely protect my heart because I was planning to go out of state indefinitely for work and didn't want the temptation of keeping tabs or seeing her on my feed. Likely the best thing I could've done I suspect. While away my dog died in a tragic accident and it absolutely pulled the rug out from beneath me. My anxiety was (is) through the roof/depression hit and I had to cancel the rest of my work and get back home to get my bearings straight. A decision I standby as the right one because better sleep and feeling somewhat grounded has been crucial.

Fast forward a month or so and Ive been doing my best to get by and focus on myself. Trying to let go, educating myself via this forum and others, and just grieve these difficult losses. One that exacerbated the other and would be heavy enough to deal with separately. Id seen her grasping at straws online through interactions with mutual (guy) friends and saw them as desperate attempts to soothe herself/cope. That was tough to see though I know its best to keep out of mind and not pay attention to but I suspect nothing panned out there and her cross country crush too has likely dried up and isn't happening.

The other day I'm listening to music on Spotify and see she's added a new playlist. Im still connected with her there (which really meant nothing as I just used it to stream music) and no other social media as I only use FB really. Sure enough its a very lovey dovey mix of love songs with a quote of being in love and the replacements name with songs from the mix she made for me at the beginning of our relationship throughout. Of course this being the only outlet to 'showcase' this or 'get at me' she made it a public playlist and theres no doubt really that it was just as much (if not more so) to show him she's way into him as it was to show me that she's on to the next and to hurt me. Well sadly it worked. The replacement and I have mutual friends and went to school together  but I know they cant have known each other for more than a month or so and likely have spent very little time together due to her low functioning. In hindsight I recognize it clearly as desperate love bombing but its probably making him feel good and not registering as a red flag. I also think he's living out of state for work or school so I guess this is going to 'work' for her in time being as theres enough distance to not let her true colors show or get engulfed and she can paint the picture she wishes him to see. Sad really. Because thats her safe place--'love' from a distance and of course temporary.

So while I was waiting for this day to come, I thought well if I see she's with someone else that'll be the final nail in the coffin and I won't need to linger to any slight fantasy idea that we could be together, its pretty darn painful. I was hoping I was more detached by the time it came and I feel I actually am but a big thing is the rubbing my face in it which she has attempted to do numerous times since the breakup. If I cheated on her or was a crummy partner then okay, some of this cruelty Id own up to having to face and maybe it'd be warranted to some extent. But Im literally guilty of caring too much, alike many on this board. Its nuts. The fact that I've become all the people who've abused her or wronged her in her lifetime due to her black and white thinking is a tough pill to swallow. Because Im so far away from that end of the spectrum but obviously theres no middle ground in this type of disordered mind.

I do know that I don't want any part in her life at this point. I recognize her as someone who's suffering tremendously and will continue to for a long time to come as there won't be any effort on her end to better herself. I don't take any joy in watching her inevitable failures/heartbreaks. I assume the replacement and her won't last as I think its long distance and we all know they don't handle that well. Maybe it'll go for a while, who knows (who cares should be my mindset here) but eventually I suspect it'll unfold. Do I want to see her 'happy' and moving on so quickly? No. But do I want to see her crumble and repeat this process? Not at all. I think somewhere deeeeeeeeeep deep inside (though she won't admit it or recognize now) she knows I was good to her and didn't deserve this. Perhaps thats wishful ignorance/thinking. I know that I did my best though. And for now that'll have to be good enough, for me. Will she attempt a recycle once this one goes awry or just pursue back up/fresh supply? Yikes, thats doubtful but we've all read these stories. I suspect ill be far enough removed to fully know better by then and to be fully unaffected. Time to take yet another step back. Onward and upward.

Thanks for reading!

[En1gma]

Sorry to hear this, I’m surprised she waited that long to replace you. I just found out my exBPD had cheated on me with the guy she’s with now. They don’t change and feel comfortable knowing the next guy is going to be treated the same way. She might recycle, if you let her.

[EdR]

Hi TornandFrayed!

Thank you for your reply to my post btw. Reading your story it indeed feels very similar.

You're obviously doing better as well, but the "no possible middle ground" /"what the heck did I do wrong here; I just cared too much"-feelings keep nagging.

Combine this with the social media and replacements and we end up with a great mix which leaves us... .without closure. :-(

I wish you all the best!

[tornANDfrayed]

Sorry to hear this, I’m surprised she waited that long to replace you.

Well there was some triangulation going on that I noticed in hindsight the last couple months we dated though things couldn't pan out I assume because the guy lives out of state. And to be fair I witnessed obvious attempts at two other guys (mutual friends) online much sooner. Perhaps the guy just didn't take the bait and in a way could see through it. The other guy she made pretty obvious attempts at seemed to just not be interested at all and likely knew better maybe based on her other activity online. The third one who she has 'officially' replaced me with (though I don't know its official--she's really only made it known to me in that sad passive way of making a Spotify playlist--though the love bombing is in full effect) is from our town but I believe lives out of state. So this would be long distance and likely just the right amount as it'll get her by, shell convince herself this is the real deal and she can paint the picture she wants him to see over time if the serious symptoms don't start showing and he ignores the red flags and falls for her. The relentless texting, needing constant attention, constantly talking of her problems. All the things she managed to keep under control with us early on. I literally think they've know each other a month maybe more and perhaps only a few interactions in person. The patterns and likeness of people with this disorder are mind-blowing.

So yeah, I was in denial that she wasn't quite like all the rest and really wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt but it appears that she is seasoned in these ways and I would've been replaced much sooner if she had it her way.

[tornANDfrayed]

You're obviously doing better as well, but the "no possible middle ground" /"what the heck did I do wrong here; I just cared too much"-feelings keep nagging.

Its like with a bit of being civil and me having a slight idea of what was occurring I would've been weaned off the drug that is her perhaps? Where as even though I understand it to be absolute hell and inner turmoil in her mind she at least was in control (which they absolutely require) and was able to wean herself off me during the splitting and ultimately the discard. Because I absolutely believe it to be true that in the idealizing phase she was convinced this was it. Theres no way they (most if not all of them)  go into a relationship knowing it won't work out or that its just temporary. The stonewalling/silent treatment, it gave her the upper hand and was absolutely emotional abuse and mental torture. She kept me around while she planted seeds elsewhere that last month and its beyond wrong. She knew that I was suffering and I know for a fact there was shame and guilt growing, once it burst and was too much to see in herself she had to ultimately discard to relieve herself of all the wrong doing.

[En1gma]

Well there was some triangulation going on that I noticed in hindsight the last couple months we dated though things couldn't pan out I assume because the guy lives out of state. And to be fair I witnessed obvious attempts at two other guys (mutual friends) online much sooner. Perhaps the guy just didn't take the bait and in a way could see through it. The other guy she made pretty obvious attempts at seemed to just not be interested at all and likely knew better maybe based on her other activity online. The third one who she has 'officially' replaced me with (though I don't know its official--she's really only made it known to me in that sad passive way of making a Spotify playlist--though the love bombing is in full effect) is from our town but I believe lives out of state. So this would be long distance and likely just the right amount as it'll get her by, shell convince herself this is the real deal and she can paint the picture she wants him to see over time if the serious symptoms don't start showing and he ignores the red flags and falls for her. The relentless texting, needing constant attention, constantly talking of her problems. All the things she managed to keep under control with us early on. I literally think they've know each other a month maybe more and perhaps only a few interactions in person. The patterns and likeness of people with this disorder are mind-blowing.

So yeah, I was in denial that she wasn't quite like all the rest and really wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt but it appears that she is seasoned in these ways and I would've been replaced much sooner if she had it her way.

My exBPD romantic interest told me she liked the fact I was long distance. I didn’t see it as unusual until later when I started connecting the dots. It’s likely she was dating someone else on the side and enjoyed the freedom to go out without running into me.

[tornANDfrayed]

My exBPD romantic interest told me she liked the fact I was long distance. I didn’t see it as unusual until later when I started connecting the dots. It’s likely she was dating someone else on the side and enjoyed the freedom to go out without running into me.

From what I've read and have gathered, the long distance pursuits are ideal for them, but of course only temporarily. Especially the low(er) functioning BPD individuals. It gives them enough distance to paint the picture they want you to see/who they kind of wish they were. Totally a double edged sword for them. They crave that constant adoration and closeness but the engulfment as well as abandonment fears are so central to their being. Mine lived in the same town but we weren't seeing each other a ton at first. She claimed to live alone (independent) and slowly it was revealed she lived with her parents, not a deal breaker but something she was clearly ashamed of and hiding. She claimed to have a solid job and it was later revealed she was going to lose it and that was that. I don't think she ever had one. There were other topics that were probably lies. I foolishly tip-toed around these things instead of being direct. Bit of a hero complex on my behalf thinking it wasn't an issue. Of course by this time we were a couple months into it and I was hooked.

The replacement who I think is long distance hasn't likely spent much time with her in person. Probably a lot of communication via the phone/internet with the perfect amount of distance between them for now to get him hooked too and for her not to be revealed. Meanwhile I have no doubt theres other 'supply' that she's 'friendly' with on the back burner. You'd never suspect it from a person who seems so kind, I swear, but this is how these types operate.

[jody452]

TornandFrayed

Your story is so much like mine, my ex made contact with me too. This is 5 months after telling me she had nothing left to give to our relationship, she just messaged out of the blue to say i was right about her.
She made her new partner a play list too and used songs on it that she used for me. Which just goes to show how little we mean to them and how easily the move on.
She contacted me as she was starting to move in with her new partner, hid this from me. well lied about it really I gave her chance after chance to fess up and she didn't so i just asked straight out and when she told me I was right, I had to say enough was enough. I couldn't go from almost married to lets be friends.

So my only advice hang in there, don't make contact. One day it has to get easier