Why do I have so much fear?

[Spectrum]

I am 50 and have been married for 18 years to a controlling and manipulative BPD. About 15 months ago things got pretty bad, her narcissism and irrational thinking forced us to either pursue divorce or seek individual counseling. We chose counseling and each found a good therapist. My significant other was recommended to participate in a group-based outpatient program. I worked with my therapist to discover long-standing issues. Significant progress was made on both sides, but the roller coaster ride continued -- the drama was more under control but the logical cognitive reasoning was still dysfunctional (things like believing in things that were never said, always blaming others, or twisting words, or lack of ever acknowledging how others might feel, never acknowledging when someone does something nice, etc... ). After 15 months of therapy, and 18 years of marriage (and having read a lot about BPD and discussing with my therapist that such behavior was not likely to improve over time), I finally called it quits.

Doing that didn't feel as good as I had expected. It clearly established a new boundary for me, but all of a sudden I began to feel anxiety and fear. In my head... what now, where will you go, how will this end, what will I do? This emptiness seems like a withdrawal, almost like I'm coming off a drug (assuming). Anxiety turns into panic and I find myself doing anything I can to keep from dwelling on this situation.

For many men, we are the ones to move out. Although my three children are mostly adults (youngest is 17.5, oldest of 24), we all still live under the same roof. Making matters more challenging, my parent passed away years and ago, and being adopted (yup -- abandonment issues), my only living relative is an adopted sister that lives 2,000 miles away who is also going through a divorce after a 24 year marriage.

So, why do I have so much fear of separation? Shouldn't I feel somewhat liberated? Am I that henpecked and emotionally dependant/damaged? And what do I do about controlling those feelings of fear?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Spectrum, Your fears are normal.  Many on this site fear the unknown, with good reason, yet I've discovered that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found.  Perhaps you could remind yourself that it will take time, but things will improve now that you are no longer on the roller coaster.  It's a big change, I understand, because seven years ago I separated from my BPDxW after 13 years of marriage.  It was rough sledding for a while, no doubt, so give yourself a break.  At some point, I predict that you will be grateful for having moved on.  In the meantime, try to focus on finding the best path for you.  Strive to be authentic.  Listen to your gut feelings.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[Spectrum]

Thank you LuckyJim! Your words and advice comfort me. It's particularly good to know this is all rather normal.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Spectrum,

It certainly is.  Try to remember the old adage as one door closes another opens.  The door is now open for you to create your life as you would wish it to be.  I'd suggest looking at your life as a whole and thinking about what your dreams and desires are.  Not about relationships with romantic partners.  Just for you.  This is where I found myself.  It was like I was commencing a whole new life from scratch and I could fill it with anything I wanted.  So consider what you enjoy.  What do you perhaps miss doing that you once loved to do?  What have you always wanted to do?  All of these things are ways to soothe yourself, not just now whilst going through this, but in the long term too.  As caretaker types, we tend to be pretty poor at caring for ourselves in meaningful ways.  Now is your chance to change that and make the future so much better than the past.

There is a lot to work through following a BPD r/s.  I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist.  Perhaps also a good friend who you can spend a little time with?  I've made connections with many new people in my life since my breakup by reaching out and getting involved in different things in my local area.  Courses, local support services, charity projects etc.  Connecting with others can help you to stabilise the emotions as it taps into the soothing emotional system.  So it could be worth taking a look at what ways you can meet others and perhaps form new friendships with others who have similar interests.  Being active and filling your time positively with things that are beneficial for you can make a big difference in how you manage this step.  It will help you to look forwards with optimism and reduce the time you spend looking back over time. 

Detaching and healing is a process.  Go easy on yourself.  Those of us who have made it through to the other side had to get through some tough stuff to get there.  It gets easier though and we can make it easier on ourselves by accepting these feelings will arise, allowing them to surface and pass rather than fighting them.  These emotions are to be expected after what you've been through.  Looking to the future can be both daunting and exciting.  Try to tip the scales to the latter by taking some small action to give yourself things to aspire to and look forward to and be patient with yourself when the anxiety crops up.  Bring your feelings here as much as you find helpful.  Someone is always listening. 

Love and light x