New here. Need help with latest meltdown. SOS.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, this is my first post as I've just discovered this forum recently and I must say it's quite comforting to see how many other people are in the same boat as me. Really helps to not feel so isolated... .

For a little bit of background, My boyfriend is 33 and was just diagnosed with BPD in July (we've been together since early June). He got so bad around that time that I needed to get him involuntarily committed. Before that point he believed that he suffered from manic depression. As one can imagine he is pretty severe having lived his entire life up until this summer with no knowledge of what he has. I have made the choice against to stick by him though treatment (which he is currently on a waitlist for) however that choice has come with a LOT of chaos, anxiety, and strain on my other family/friendships. I hope that through joining this site I might be able to become better equipped to to handle all of the meltdowns and 'breakups' without falling apart myself... .

Anyways onto the most recent situation that I could use a bit of guidance on:
He was recently out of town for about a month visiting friends (just returned 4 days ago) and earlier today a (male) friend of mine posted a really stupid joke on my facebook page about how "i'm sad because I haven't gotten laid in a while" (not knowing boyfriend was back in town I presume). There were a few joking comments back and forth about how "i'm not sad anymore haha *wink wink nudge nudge*". Again, all very lighthearted and joking obviously referring to the fact that boyfriend had been away. I maybe should have thought to ask my friend to take it down but I honestly didn't think anything of it as it was seemingly just a joke and in my circle of friends we all joke around like that... .anyways boyfriend saw it and the comments and took it in the worst way possible and flipped his mood instantly (everything had been fine before then and we had plans to go out tonight) and IMMEDIATELY went to accusing me of talking badly/spreading personal details about him behind his back. I tried apologizing for telling my friend 'private information' and appeasing him to no avail even tried offering to go see him after work to talk which he turned down saying I would "only lie to him". After trying to deescalate over text message (and 2 phone calls which he hung up on after some yelling and name-calling the usual pattern) I saw things just spinning in a circle and stopped replying.

One of the last things he said was that it's "on me to fix" (a common line when he's in the middle of an episode). I had already contacted my friend and told him to take the post down which instead of helping the situation made boyfriend even more angry that I was again apparently "talking s**t behind his back". I can't battle against paranoia as everything I say is misconstrued as something terrible. Even an apology. He just continues to tell me that I don't understand and need to 'fix' it.

Obviously as I do want to resolve this and move forward I can't simply ignore forever but I don't want to say anything that may cause a worse reaction and simple apologizing and trying to be empathetic and understanding isn't working. If any of you have any suggestions for how would be best to smooth this over and how to prevent this from becoming a worse problem then it is that would very much be appreciated. I'm at a complete loss and so unbelievably stressed by the fact that after sitting around missing him for a month he already snapped so soon after finally coming home

Thanks for reading.

EDIT: I should also add that he has an ongoing paranoia about me cheating or flirting with other people and that comes into play here, which again I probably should have thought about before he even had the chance to see it but... .hindsight... .

[Asmodeus]

Hello, this is my first post as I've just discovered this forum recently and I must say it's quite comforting to see how many other people are in the same boat as me. Really helps to not feel so isolated... .

For a little bit of background, My boyfriend is 33 and was just diagnosed with BPD in July (we've been together since early June). He got so bad around that time that I needed to get him involuntarily committed. Before that point he believed that he suffered from manic depression. As one can imagine he is pretty severe having lived his entire life up until this summer with no knowledge of what he has. I have made the choice against to stick by him though treatment (which he is currently on a waitlist for) however that choice has come with a LOT of chaos, anxiety, and strain on my other family/friendships. I hope that through joining this site I might be able to become better equipped to to handle all of the meltdowns and 'breakups' without falling apart myself... .

Anyways onto the most recent situation that I could use a bit of guidance on:
He was recently out of town for about a month visiting friends (just returned 4 days ago) and earlier today a (male) friend of mine posted a really stupid joke on my facebook page about how "i'm sad because I haven't gotten laid in a while" (not knowing boyfriend was back in town I presume). There were a few joking comments back and forth about how "i'm not sad anymore haha *wink wink nudge nudge*". Again, all very lighthearted and joking obviously referring to the fact that boyfriend had been away. I maybe should have thought to ask my friend to take it down but I honestly didn't think anything of it as it was seemingly just a joke and in my circle of friends we all joke around like that... .anyways boyfriend saw it and the comments and took it in the worst way possible and flipped his mood instantly (everything had been fine before then and we had plans to go out tonight) and IMMEDIATELY went to accusing me of talking badly/spreading personal details about him behind his back. I tried apologizing for telling my friend 'private information' and appeasing him to no avail even tried offering to go see him after work to talk which he turned down saying I would "only lie to him". After trying to deescalate over text message (and 2 phone calls which he hung up on after some yelling and name-calling the usual pattern) I saw things just spinning in a circle and stopped replying.

One of the last things he said was that it's "on me to fix" (a common line when he's in the middle of an episode). I had already contacted my friend and told him to take the post down which instead of helping the situation made boyfriend even more angry that I was again apparently "talking s**t behind his back". I can't battle against paranoia as everything I say is misconstrued as something terrible. Even an apology. He just continues to tell me that I don't understand and need to 'fix' it.

Obviously as I do want to resolve this and move forward I can't simply ignore forever but I don't want to say anything that may cause a worse reaction and simple apologizing and trying to be empathetic and understanding isn't working. If any of you have any suggestions for how would be best to smooth this over and how to prevent this from becoming a worse problem then it is that would very much be appreciated. I'm at a complete loss and so unbelievably stressed by the fact that after sitting around missing him for a month he already snapped so soon after finally coming home

Thanks for reading.

EDIT: I should also add that he has an ongoing paranoia about me cheating or flirting with other people and that comes into play here, which again I probably should have thought about before he even had the chance to see it but... .hindsight... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Asmodeus,

Welcome I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time right now. I have been there many times. FB was a constant issues for my H as he would interpret almost anything I said or did through a lens of rejection or something to be debated. I even had a scenario almost EXACTLY like yours.  I got to the point where I began to use the "Custom" privacy blocks for each post based on content. If I thought it could be misconstrued in any way I would choose "Privacy: Friends except: H" It worked very well as I was able to post things that I found funny but he would take offense. I'm not sure if this was the best approach, but it significantly cut down on arguments about FB.

As for your current situation, do you think you did anything wrong?
What do you think your bf was worried about, feeling, etc? Whatever it is that he is feeling, validate that while at the same time Don't be invalidating .

If you truly did something wrong in the situation, then own up to that part, but don't apologize for things that you did not do, such as cheating. Remember pwBPD are constantly thinking they will be rejected. It may be too late for him to change his stance on this particular issue. It may just need to blow over. Don't keep bringing it up or apologizing or trying to fix it. When he does bring it up, listen to what he is saying and let him know that you hear what he is saying/feeling/expressing, etc.

[AskingWhy]

Asmodeus, the first thing one must acknowledge in a relationship with a pwBPD is they are very fragile emotionally.

They can rage at us, dysregulate, have tantrums and be violent, but personally, they themselves have a self-concept that is like eggshells.

There are many resources here to help you navigate your relationship.  It helps first to understand the tools that are at your disposal.

[Asmodeus]

Update: Well, he ended up texting me/calling me at 2am FURIOUS that I didn't come to talk to him after work obviously feeling like I abandoned him (After he told me not to come. Had I gone anyways it would have just been complete insanity as I've learned from the past) and accusing me of being with another guy. It was very clearly at the point where there wasn't anything I could say to settle him down so I simply said that I wasn't going to engage in an argument of insanity. Reiterated that I loved him and had no interest in anyone else and then asked him to 'take a breather' (again, this is at 2am and I was exhausted). Well, in response to that he ended up blocking me on absolutely everything after saying he'd "go fall in love with someone else". SIGH... .guess I just have to wait for him to cool off now.

[AskingWhy]

Update: Well, he ended up texting me/calling me at 2am FURIOUS that I didn't come to talk to him after work obviously feeling like I abandoned him (After he told me not to come. Had I gone anyways it would have just been complete insanity as I've learned from the past) and accusing me of being with another guy. It was very clearly at the point where there wasn't anything I could say to settle him down so I simply said that I wasn't going to engage in an argument of insanity. Reiterated that I loved him and had no interest in anyone else and then asked him to 'take a breather' (again, this is at 2am and I was exhausted). Well, in response to that he ended up blocking me on absolutely everything after saying he'd "go fall in love with someone else". SIGH... .guess I just have to wait for him to cool off now.

It is good you validated your feelings for him but told him you were not going to engage.  I am sorry you had to tolerate his rages and dysregulating.  At least you are not taking this personally, one of the first steps in dealing with a BPD partner. 

[Asmodeus]

Hi Asmodeus,

Welcome I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time right now. I have been there many times. FB was a constant issues for my H as he would interpret almost anything I said or did through a lens of rejection or something to be debated. I even had a scenario almost EXACTLY like yours.  I got to the point where I began to use the "Custom" privacy blocks for each post based on content. If I thought it could be misconstrued in any way I would choose "Privacy: Friends except: H" It worked very well as I was able to post things that I found funny but he would take offense. I'm not sure if this was the best approach, but it significantly cut down on arguments about FB.

As for your current situation, do you think you did anything wrong?
What do you think your bf was worried about, feeling, etc? Whatever it is that he is feeling, validate that while at the same time Don't be invalidating .

If you truly did something wrong in the situation, then own up to that part, but don't apologize for things that you did not do, such as cheating. Remember pwBPD are constantly thinking they will be rejected. It may be too late for him to change his stance on this particular issue. It may just need to blow over. Don't keep bringing it up or apologizing or trying to fix it. When he does bring it up, listen to what he is saying and let him know that you hear what he is saying/feeling/expressing, etc.

I don't think I did anything 'wrong' however I did talk to my friend about something that he clearly didn't want me talking about so I have no problem apologizing for what was actually said... .which I did... .Last message I sent to him in reply to what was essentially an essay about how mad he was was this: "I understand that, I made a comment to someone that I shouldn't have and I'm sorry. You have every right to be upset and I'm not trying to minimize that." I ignored the cheating accusations because I know they're most often bait.

When that didn't work at all to settle things down (he just told me that I answered none of what he wanted me to answer and that I was "playing stupid" thats when I switched to not replying... .until he began raging at me again at 2am sigh.

possible better way I could have replied? I was trying to be validating but all of these tools are pretty new to me. Before I was just fighting back for the most part... .

[Asmodeus]

It is good you validated your feelings for him but told him you were not going to engage.  I am sorry you had to tolerate his rages and dysregulating.  At least you are not taking this personally, one of the first steps in dealing with a BPD partner. 

I used to take it very personally... .but after 6 months of the same pattern I've learned what to expect. Honestly I thought I had learned how to deal with it as I'd successfully de-escelated the last 3 triggers before they hit the freakout/breakup stage (all over text, while he was still away). I might have gotten a little too comfortable in thinking things were 'better'... maybe the trip home and change of environment triggered something as well.

[Asmodeus]

sigh... .it continues... .he seems to have forgotten about the stupid facebook post now and switched directly back to his paranoia about me cheating. I was unblocked and got a tirade about that (all of this was over text message):

"Soo... .even *insert friends name* witnessed you being a wh*re... .good to know... .I'll move on"
(he claims people 'tell him i'm cheating' a lot. Obviously untrue as even during our 'breakups' i've never so much as kissed another guy so there is nothing to witness.)

"I really hope you know saying nothing isn't the highground. It just makes me hate you"

"I have fully fallen out of love with you"

*insert voicemail yelling at me and calling me a c*nt*

"If I am ever asked for help by someone that I love in the future thank you for demonstrating exactly how not to help. Thanks for showing me how to make that person suffer. You f**cking a**hole"
(?)

"F you"

"F you times a million"

"I'm gonna date *insert name of same friend as before* and I'll fall in love with her and I'll be good"

"F you"


Do I ignore? As I already said I wouldn't engage in this nonsense and wait for him to cool off and come back to reality? or do I reply with something? No clue what... .and yet again it is the middle of the night... .

[babyducks]

Hi asmodeus,

and welcome to the forum.   I am glad you joined us.

Do I ignore? As I already said I wouldn't engage in this nonsense and wait for him to cool off and come back to reality? or do I reply with something? No clue what... .and yet again it is the middle of the night... .

Listening and engaging in verbal abuse is not typically recommended.    When the dysregulation becomes this extreme and the language this "hot"   it's normally recommended to walk away.

I will say that how you walk away,  how you disengage from the conflict matters a lot.

You will want to disengage in ways that are centered and reflect your values.   Things that are about you,  not abut him.   Using a phrase like wait for him to cool off... .can be perceived as blaming and he is going to try to project that back at you.    

Tattered Heart talked about validation,... .  saying you wouldn't engage in this nonsense is first a good boundary but it can also be perceived as invalidating.   To him, his feelings are very real and very important.    does that make sense?

When you disengage from the conflict you want to not trigger his abandonment fears.

I know that's a lot to absorb.

Here is a suggestion.     If you feel comfortable and safe convey a message something like this.

bf name:  When I see language and name calling like this I feel upset and hurt so I will turning off my messaging until tomorrow at 5PM.   We can talk then.

Now that's a suggestion.    but notice the format.   When I notice... .I feel... .so I will... .  (put your own words and ideas in the format)

this makes the conversation and the situation more about you.   it makes you more the emotional leader in the conversation.

also notice you are not saying you won't discuss this with him, or that you are abandoning him.    you are putting in an emotional breakwater, jetty,  time out into the conversation.

what do you think?

'ducks

[Asmodeus]

Hi asmodeus,

and welcome to the forum.   I am glad you joined us.


Listening and engaging in verbal abuse is not typically recommended.    When the dysregulation becomes this extreme and the language this "hot"   it's normally recommended to walk away.

I will say that how you walk away,  how you disengage from the conflict matters a lot.

You will want to disengage in ways that are centered and reflect your values.   Things that are about you,  not abut him.   Using a phrase like wait for him to cool off... .can be perceived as blaming and he is going to try to project that back at you.    

Tattered Heart talked about validation,... .  saying you wouldn't engage in this nonsense is first a good boundary but it can also be perceived as invalidating.   To him, his feelings are very real and very important.    does that make sense?

When you disengage from the conflict you want to not trigger his abandonment fears.

I know that's a lot to absorb.

Here is a suggestion.     If you feel comfortable and safe convey a message something like this.

bf name:  When I see language and name calling like this I feel upset and hurt so I will turning off my messaging until tomorrow at 5PM.   We can talk then.

Now that's a suggestion.    but notice the format.   When I notice... .I feel... .so I will... .  (put your own words and ideas in the format)

this makes the conversation and the situation more about you.   it makes you more the emotional leader in the conversation.

also notice you are not saying you won't discuss this with him, or that you are abandoning him.    you are putting in an emotional breakwater, jetty,  time out into the conversation.

what do you think?

'ducks

That does help, Thank you I'll give it a try.