Do they ever change

[braveheart1975]

Do they ever change? My ex already started with the same behaviour with my replacement. She is in therapy and I would like to know, if she will get better, will she started act normally or is this impossible?
And I also don't understand her behaviour. 14 days ago she accused me of stalking her, now she is saying she doesn't want to loose me and she is sending me SMS almost daily with kisses and hearts. I really don't understand.

BH

[En1gma]

Do they ever change? My ex already started with the same behaviour with my replacement. She is in therapy and I would like to know, if she will get better, will she started act normally or is this impossible?
And I also don't understand her behaviour. 14 days ago she accused me of stalking her, now she is saying she doesn't want to loose me and she is sending me SMS almost daily with kisses and hearts. I really don't understand.

BH

For 99.9% of people with BPD, no they don’t change. It’s a continuous loop of behavior that’s hard wired into their brain.

[Sadly]

I guess it depends on the severity, my ex will be a definite no. I think you need to be careful, to me this smacks of lining you up for a recycle once she found your replacement couldn't give her the impossible either. No one will be able to, you know that don't you? So sorry. 

[braveheart1975]

I guess it depends on the severity, my ex will be a definite no. I think you need to be careful, to me this smacks of lining you up for a recycle once she found your replacement couldn't give her the impossible either. No one will be able to, you know that don't you? So sorry. 

Yeah, I know it is impossible to satisfy her needs. At first, I was blaming myself if I could maybe do things better, differently. Now, that she is already repeating her behavior, I know she is sick. And that helps me getting over her. I could never imagine having child with her.
The hardest thing for me was hot and cold behavior and constantly changing her mind about almost everything. I couldn't rely on her.

BH.

[Sadly]

I feel you BH, it's heartbreaking isn't it? I would have given a limb in exchange for a cure, I hate to think of his hurting empty soul but eventually it came down to a choice his life or mine and I had to choose mine. I wrote a poem a few blocks down, it kind of resonates with many. Be strong my friend, it's so easy to get pulled back in 

[braveheart1975]

I feel you BH, it's heartbreaking isn't it? I would have given a limb in exchange for a cure, I hate to think of his hurting empty soul but eventually it came down to a choice his life or mine and I had to choose mine. I wrote a poem a few blocks down, it kind of resonates with many. Be strong my friend, it's so easy to get pulled back in 

The pain at the beginning was almost unbearable, especially when I found out she moved on after 3 weeks. But as you know, I had to save myself. Life with her was draining my energy.
Your poem is very beautiful.

[Panda39]

Sounds like you have Push/Pull going on, here is a link to more... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.00

Panda39

[Sadly]

Thank you BH, it's also very sad, I am very sad and so are you right now but you know what, we have a choice, they don't! I think I will always love my ex as maybe you will love yours but I am trying very hard to make him an amazing, heartbreaking, eye opening experience that was meant to be in my life but belongs in my past, hopefully we can do that 

[itgetsbetter94]

They can slightly modify their behavior through years of extensive therapy, that's what my psychiatrist said.

[hope2727]

My psychologist put it this way for me. "Yes they can change but... .

1) will they ?

2) can they sustain it?

Likely no on both counts."

They have to want to change. What they are doing has worked for them so far. They may also have actual neurological variances that make change extremely difficult.

Change over the long term is hard. Really hard! Try flossing daily, or following a diet for a long time or walking 30 minutes a day or slowing down while you drive or any other number of small changes over the long haul. Its tough. Let alone changing how you see the whole world and everything that happens in it forever.

[babyducks]

Hi braveheart1975


BPD, like pretty much all illnesses, exists on a spectrum.    If you think about,... .well lets use arthritis,  some people have a mild case,   some people have a more serious level of disability,    stress and certain conditions will make the illness worse,   dedicated self care and effort will make the illness 'better'.    All and all the person will always be dealing with the ramifications of arthritis in some way, shape or form.

The thing with BPD is that it's embedded in the personality.    Think about how hard it is to change any aspect of personality.     I'm an introvert.    I can be social and engaging and comfortable in large public gatherings.   It's never going to be the easiest thing for me.   It's not so much as I change that part of my personality as I learn to work with it.

The hardest thing for me was hot and cold behavior and constantly changing her mind about almost everything. I couldn't rely on her.

There was a book that was extremely helpful to me when I was with my Ex.   It's by Margalis Fjelstad's and it's called: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.     It was the single most helpful book I read on the topic.  I ended up highlighting about 50% of it.

In the book she talks about the instability of two personality disorders  BPD and NPD.     She lists them as:

• Emotional Instability- Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random
  
• Thought Instability- All-or-nothing thinking with intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
  

• Behavioral Instability- Create crises and chaos continuously
• Instability of a Sense of Self - Often change their persons, opinions or beliefs, depending on who they are with

• Relationship Instability - Instantly fall in love or instantly end a relationship with no logical explanation

While my ex partner (who was in treatment) didn't met the criteria from the DSM - 5 any longer and had a changed a great deal she still struggled with the list above.

Does that make sense?   Help at all?    Does this change how you view what happened in your relationship?

'ducks

[braveheart1975]

Thank you. All I must do now is to keep no contact. She tries to contact me every day.

[Inside]

Thank you. All I must do now is to keep no contact. She tries to contact me every day.

Yes, no contact.  

... kinda checking in around here… it’s now been 4 years since I permanently left my BPD-X.  Looking back, what a nightmare    The longer you stay removed the clearer it will become that this is the correct decision.  

And no, they cannot ‘fix’ the portion of their brain lacking the ability to maintain a relationship.  And, as mentioned above, I’d have likely also given a limb to have that not be so…  What does happen is they hone their skills at deception, projection and manipulation.

If you’ve escaped, dodging marriage - and especially children with a BPD - you’ve acquired valuable insight into a spectrum (cluster B) of disorders that remain the bane of humanity…  That may seem a little too ‘out there’ right now, but stay strong, and at least realize you’ll now recognize such behavior - and never allow it to hurt you again