Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 09:23:08 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
222
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: How long does "good behavior" last?  (Read 559 times)
nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« on: November 27, 2017, 09:13:12 AM »

Wouldn't you know it, as soon as I made my own quiet, personal decision (didn't say anything to him) that with the next irrational BPD event, I would calmly and rationally make my exit, he has been on "good behavior" for the last 4 months. In the year and a half previous to that, he hadn't gone more than 2 weeks without an event of some kind - a rage, a silent treatment, something.  In everyone's experience who's reading this, how long can "good behavior" last?  He is not seeing a counselor, getting treatment of any kind and doesn't acknowledge in any way that he could possibly have a problem.
Logged
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #1 on: November 27, 2017, 09:31:46 AM »

Sorry if this is not the BPD Family way but just one question springs to mind:

"What will you do if he has an episode tomorrow, knowing he's gone 4m without one"

I know I would personally hope that the next one would be in 4m time rather than 2 weeks thus quietly held personal boundary gone... .

Logged

nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #2 on: November 27, 2017, 05:44:09 PM »

Well, "Enabler," that's a good question. I actually have more of a question regarding what in my own mind constitutes a qualifying episode?  So, if he has an episode tomorrow after 4 months, but it's "just a little mini-mood" versus a full-on 48 hour silent treatment... .Know what I mean?  Good question though.  If you have more thoughts attached to it, I'm all ears.
Logged
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2017, 03:31:04 AM »

Boundaries are not for someone else, they define what YOU will do in response to something or someone else's actions or behavior... .the rest are rules you have to define the boundary. SO, you have a rule that if he has another episode (undefined yet) [RULE]  you will leave (undefined yet)[BOUNDARY].

Have you ever noticed that some parents have flaky rules / boundaries with kids... ."if you don't come and sit back down at the dinner table you'll not have any sweets for a month!" how many parents are realistically going to police that. The rule is easy enough to identify as it's well defined 'sit back down at the dinner table' but are they realistically going to be able to carry through with the boundary action 'you'll not have any sweets for a month'? Unlikely. I guess my point here is that you have not fully defined what constitutes "an episode" and what will you actions be.

I am not sure how you verbalize this (I'm sure there are people on the board that could help with this), although I believe it's generally accepted that it should be verbalized to your SO, but could the conversation be:

I am very hurt when you withhold love and communication from me giving me the silent treatment. I love you and I want to talk through our problems. I understand that this is tough for you sometimes but I find it too destructive and emotionally painful to handle and it's not something I feel I want as part of my life. I see that you have worked very hard not doing this over the past 4m but I want to make it clear that if it happens again I will move out and seek a divorce. I know that most couples have arguments and being in a marriage isn't easy, but not communicating and ignoring one another is not productive and not something I am willing to tolerate. Lets work together to stop this happening again.

Most couples argue. Some people's response is to ignore and emotionally shut down. I think it's important to maintain a wise mind of what is reasonable accepting that this is your partners way of dealing with his emotions (albeit maybe not dealing with them but shutting them down). Defining what you will tolerate and what you will do in response should be your first step. Also, have you considered other actions. I have heard a couple of success stories in dealing with silent treatment:

- Return silence with silence, he'll probably not like that and the bad behaviour of shutting you out met with your response of shutting him out as well may unsettle him into snapping out of it. He may well feel powerful knowing that it frustrates you.
- When he pushes you away, push him a little bit as well... .when he pulls you in, pull him in a little bit. Basically reward good behaviour and scald bad behaviour.
- Stay in a hotel for the night if you can afford it... .basically say "if you do that, I don't want to be around you."

Often silent treatment is more about them than us... .we interpret the withholding of love/intimacy and connection as an assault on us but from what I've read and discussed with a friend who suffers, it's all about them. If we can depersonalise the behavior and accept it for what it is (assuming it's maladaptive coping with their own emotions rather than an attempt to gain power and control) maybe we might reconsider our response. Just another perspective, if he was in a car crash and was in a coma, you wouldn't divorce him because he gave you the silent treatment.
Logged

Mustbeabetterway
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 633


« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2017, 09:10:43 AM »

Hi nuthereggsheller, I have a theory as to why things have been calm for you since you quietly decided to not enable raging and other “irrational “ behaviors.  Your calm decisive demeanor has created a different environment.  My PWBPD traits does not acknowledge a problem or see a counselor either.  I can only speak from my own experience, but having boundaries to protect myself from upsetting behavior, taking care of myself, having supportive friends, and practicing better communication has created a more calm environment in my home.  There are still episodes, but they are more short lived. 

It has gotten easier for me to validate and it does work.  Yesterday my husband was upset that I was working late and sent me a text like this is BS.  I am tired of waiting on you.  I responded “I know you don’t like for me to work late, but sometimes I need to.  If you are hungry, go ahead and eat without me.  I will text when I leave work.”   Then I didn’t respond to his further attempts to engage me in an argument.   I cannot say that he was happy, but it made me feel more in control and I know it is a better response than I have had in the past.

Learning how to set and enforce boundaries is difficult.  Like Enabler says the boundaries are to protect against breaches of personal core values.  It is tedious work, but it helps to look at the specific actions that go against your own core values.   
The silent treatment thing is difficult.  Most nons, myself included want to hash issues out and come to a resolution as quickly as possible.  Maybe that is why it is so tempting for us to JADE.  It is very difficult to tolerate silence when we want so badly to connect.  It was pointed out to me that my husband ‘s silence may just be a time out on his part.  Since I have begun to look at it that way, it is easier to endure the silence.  Usually, he will engage again once he is in a better frame of mind.  I understand that some people use silence as a punishment, but
In my husband’s case, he seems to withdraw when feeling overwhelmed.

I don’t know how long good behavior can last.  For me, the goal is better response to behavior - not to change him, but to have a more peaceful life.

What are some specific boundaries that you can set to defend your values?  How will you respond to rage or silent treatment if these behaviors occur?




Logged
nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2017, 11:49:58 PM »

Thanks, everyone.  After reading your responses it became clear to me that I actually don't want this relationship to continue and have just been waiting for his next episode to feel reasonable and justified in making my exit. He cheated on me during one of his biggest rage-followed-by-silent-treatment episodes earlier this year and I stupidly took him back. I thought I might be able to get past my hurt over this betrayal, but I have not. However it now feels so late in this timeline that I feel like I would be blindsiding him by simply telling him I've never gotten past it and want out, especially when I've been working hard to hide my hurt and to act in kind and loving ways. Discussing my feelings with him is out of the question, as it would prompt an episode on his part and I don't want to intentionally precipitate that.  My theory as to why he has been on "good behavior" the past few months is that he senses I have pulled back emotionally and perhaps on an unconscious level he knows he's on thin ice.
Logged
nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2017, 08:57:57 AM »

To Mustbeabetterway,

I reread your post this morning, in light of past events with my hubby. The work/dinner incident you described is almost exactly what happened that was the trigger for his cheating. I told him I would be working from home that day (a weekday that I had to work but he had off) and needed to be able to focus on work. While I was making phone calls mid-afternoon, he wanted me to feed him, and I said calmly and respectfully something like "I'm working right now, but there is food available in the 'fridge and you are welcome to help yourself. I'll make dinner at 5."  He had a rage, stormed out of the house, went silent on me for two days, and hooked up with an old girlfriend who just "happened" to call him.

I wish I had stood my ground and made him leave at that point.  I have been through counseling, and the counselor (a male) has asked me "what are you waiting for?" I think it's kind of like what "Enabler" said. I don't want to be the insensitive person who leaves an unhealthy person after his emotional car crashes. But I'm tired of dealing with my own emotional hurt too.

Thoughts?
Logged
Mustbeabetterway
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 633


« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2017, 04:12:26 PM »

Hi Nuthereggsheller,  It’s a tough decision and only you know what is best for you.  

It seems as if you have your mind made up to a large extent. It sounds like we have this in common possibly - I don’t like confrontation and like the approval of others.  Whenever I make a decision, I feel the need to get consensus or approval especially when it involves my spouse.  This would make it very hard to leave especially if the other person doesn’t feel the same.  Perhaps you could explore this with your therapist

 But, if you are looking to deal with your hurt and not totally sure you are out of the relationship, I have been reading “Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life” it has a section on relationships and speaks specifically about what is needed for repair.   Maybe you would find it helpful.  Some couples are able to make repairs which are suitable for both partners.

I’m sorry you are feeling hurt.  That is tough.  Looking forward to hearing how you are doing.

Mustbe
Logged
nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2017, 06:58:36 PM »

Thanks, Mustbe.

Yes, you are definitely right about not liking confrontation. Thank you for your compassion and support. I really appreciate it.  Thanks for the book title too. Even though I'm done here, it sounds like a good read for
general well-being. I'll try to post if anything significant unfolds.
Logged
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2017, 12:23:08 AM »

This might be helpful when thinking about your decision
Brene Brown on trust
https://youtu.be/ewngFnXcqao
Logged

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2017, 08:31:29 AM »

I don't know how long you've been together, but having been married to a chronic cheater, I wanted to add my two cents.

The first time it happened, he apologized and assured me it would never happen again and it was just a "one off". Then once he had gotten me encumbered through entwining our lives financially, with pets, moving to places away from friends, the cheating happened more frequently. He tried to hide it and undoubtedly it happened even more than I discovered or that he confessed.

Now, after divorcing him many years ago and learning more about BPD, I have a few theories about how cheating feeds the BPD ego. When he felt vulnerability and self-loathing, which he often did, a quick fix was sex with a new woman. And he was very good at initiating that.

I became a scary and scolding person to him because I could see his neediness, fears and self-hatred and I tried to hold him accountable for his behavior. So therefore, I was someone who didn't feed his ego.

Hearing his excuse about how his old gf just "happened" to call him makes me skeptical about how capable he is of being faithful in a relationship. Expecting yourself to "get over his betrayal" in just a few short months seems like a Herculean task. Maybe I'm biased because of my history, but once betrayed, I don't think it's that easy.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2017, 09:26:09 AM »

Enabler, thank you for the video link. I've watched it once and it's definitely helpful - will probably watch it a few times.  On the first go-around, however, I found myself assessing my trust levels at an all-time low.  Thanks for this.
Logged
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2017, 09:39:21 AM »

Pleasure... .do watch the video again and again and try and dissect the reason for your lack of trust... .yes there's some pretty obvious reasons you have mentioned before, but think about her 7 (I think it is) facets of trust and see how your relationship has failed to meet the requirements for each of them. I consider myself trustworthy, however when I breakdown myself I can see why my wife doesn't trust me and in fact I can see why my behaviors exacerbated by BPD result in feeling threatened and paranoid of me... .

Boundaries - I have been clear about what is and isn't okay and I try and respect her boundaries
Reliability  - I am very reliable
Accountability - I hold myself too accountable
Vault - I'm terrible with secrets, I'm too open and I gossip
Integrity - I always choose the right painful path not the easy way out... .although I have snooped on her emails and scraped Whatsaps from a backup... .is that a good thing to do? No.
Nonjudgemental - I judge her, I invalidate her
Generosity -  I have tended to think the worst of her... .yes, sometimes from experience but I have judged her behaviors using a "nons" yardstick rather than assuming her actions were a function of necessity due to her illness (suspected illness)... .my defense being I didn't know about BPD.

I'm being tough on myself but there is room for improvement in all of us.

Trust can be rebuilt, before you knew him you did not trust him at all, yet from somewhere you did trust him at one point. 
Logged

Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #13 on: December 03, 2017, 04:04:54 PM »

Does there ever come a point where you think you're using the "diagnosis" to explain almost everything that is going on. Is it trauma reinactment that leads her to believe that I abused the kids? Is it Impulsivity that's cause her to suddenly want to change the agreed house sale agenda from putting on the market in Jan/Feb to wanting to do it now because a friend is selling their house and she likes it? Is it her desire to inflict emotional pain on me that she tries to push this agenda? Is it BPD that means she says she's been looking for houses in the area for 18m and nothing comes up (when I don't believe she's been looking for 18m and if she had she'd know that not to be the case? Is it the fact she's allergic to guilt and shame that she never wants to discuss 'us'?

Or... .is she just a normal woman who's been living with an angry depressed man and she wants out? Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg I hate this constant self doubt! I wish I'd had those little google glasses that record everything and put it on Facebook so I could press replay and review the ugly bits.

This divorce and relationship slow motion train wreck seems so unnecessary and insane based on the reality I know... .yet it's hard to deny and stay convinced in my own conviction when someone else is so clear about their own "distorted" view on things.

Tonight's special in quite a relaxed conversation about changing the house sale timetable was "well I know the kids would have wanted you to move out a couple of years ago". I don't know this to be BS and there's no way to prove it, but I don't think it's true in the slightest! Arrrrrgg
Logged

SamwizeGamgee
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 904


« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2017, 08:31:10 AM »

I support this line of thinking in this topic.  I've experienced it myself.  Yes, I have been through heck with my uBPDw.  She is usually of the waif / hermit type; and silent withdraw, projection, and lots of mind-games were how I got abused the most.  And I reached my rock-bottom almost three years ago.  At that point I started to get help and really pulled myself up by my bootstraps.

I have a high tolerance to pain apparently, since I stayed and worked on me mostly, for years after rock-bottom.  One thing that I noticed was that, like you probably experienced, even after I had interviewed divorce attorneys, stashed some money, planned my exit and divorce - her behavior cleared up.  It seemed as though she could read the signs, and knew that I had reached the point of saying "enough" and for months I was ready, and decided that with one more black-pitted-eye rage and I'd be gone.  That same day.  And it never came. 

It seemed that as I fixed myself, I fixed a lot of what was around me.  Unfortunately, that led to me blaming myself - if I could cure it, it must have been my fault after all.  That's not true, but that's how it worked out in my mind for a long time.  I reached a state of peace and acceptance, and passivity.  Things seemed pretty good, especially from a distance.  But, she wasn't cured, maybe not even changed.  I just had moved out of the impact area - including moving from the bedroom to the basement.  So things looked and felt better.  And I endured my improved life.

The proverbial last-straw never came.

Another thing happened as I learned about BPD.  I think it almost makes me stay longer, and endure more than I would have without the knowledge.  Knowing that it's not all my fault, that my wife is mentally ill, and knowing that I'll survive, makes me stay longer and endure more (because I know that I can). 

I will advise that the external improvement was not the cure.  I am no happier (in a better-off sense) in marriage, but I am dealing with my problems better. 

In the last several months I have felt like what feels like a welling up of the need, desperate need, to finish the journey towards health and sanity that I started.  I have to decide what my point of "enough " is even without my wife's misbehavior to trigger it.  I think we might be in the same category.  I feel that nothing in the marriage meets my needs; passion, love, companionship, trust, intimacy, hopes, need, are all dead or so little as to be inconsequential.  I'm still waiting for my breaking point, and since I have kids, it's never going to be a clean break, but, I think we all have to find out own answer to when it's time to go.  That decision has to end up being separate from external thing - not due to the current state of your partner, the ages of the kids, jobs, financials, etc.  Sooner or later (and maybe we never get there) we have to save ourselves. 
Logged

Live like you mean it.
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2017, 09:33:20 AM »

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack that post, I was on my tiny iphone last night intent on adding to a previous post. Today has gone from the absurd to the sublime... .She followed up last nights twisted conversation with an email pushing the change of agenda to immediate house sale from more relaxed... .because she's impulsively found somewhere she "feels" happy in.
Logged

SamwizeGamgee
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 904


« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2017, 09:56:34 AM »

The only surprise would be if there were not changes!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

Live like you mean it.
Enabler
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart
Posts: 2790



« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2017, 10:09:39 AM »

Email was full of disguised threats, misinterpretations and down right lies... .I WANT IT NOW <STAMP FOOT> and I THINK I AGREED THAT SO I AGREED THAT. I am toying with the idea of treating the email with contempt and ignoring it... .in fact this is what I've decided to do rather than JADE the hell out of it.
Logged

SamwizeGamgee
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 904


« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2017, 10:31:09 AM »

I find it valuable to wait on e-mail responses.  We are living with the common idea that electronic communications require speed of light reactions and responses, unfortunately. 

A cool-down is good.  I try to give myself time to feel through a response if it touches on my emotions.  I am over-analytical usually, and can't think on a subject without thinking about more than one meaning, and usually another perspective comes up shortly.  Once I've gone through a few waves of feelings, whether that be anger, confusion, rebellion, or any JADE, I think I'm better able to respond clearly, or not at all.  Also, writing a response and not sending it until you have taken a break and re-read it is a good idea.
Logged

Live like you mean it.
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2017, 10:43:47 AM »

It seemed as though she could read the signs, and knew that I had reached the point of saying "enough" and for months I was ready, and decided that with one more black-pitted-eye rage and I'd be gone.  That same day.  And it never came. 

I'm going to hijack for a moment, so apologies:
This reminds me of a donkey I once had. When I first got him, he seemed very sweet (honeymoon phase). Then, no matter what I did, he started hating me. I spent an hour each evening grooming him (or attempting to groom him), giving him treats, praise for when he showed any minor nice behavior. And no improvement happened.

My elderly vet said that he was "the worst animal" he'd worked on in his forty years of practice. When the farrier came to trim his feet, we had to use a twitch and a stud chain to restrain him. (I'm all about treating animals kindly, but it didn't work with this donkey.)

Finally, I'd had enough and I decided to find him a new home. Someone who had 10,000 acres had a female donkey who had just lost her mate, so I decided to give him away. After that decision and before he could be moved, I had the vet out and he was a completely different donkey--cooperative, sweet, kind. The vet asked what on earth I'd done with the other donkey.

So much of dealing with difficult people involves our attitude. Once I'd made the decision that he no longer could live with me, he sensed it and totally changed his approach to me. I was even able to load him in the trailer with help from his new person without too much difficulty, which is amazing considering donkeys have a mind of their own and generally do not like riding in trailers. Apparently his new female companion was thrilled to have a new mate and he had a fresh beginning at a new home.

Sometimes a major change is what is needed.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
SamwizeGamgee
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 904


« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2017, 10:54:23 AM »

Cat - thanks for that story.  I love it!  It comes to me right as I feel I can't stand the status quo in my life anymore. 
There is something transformative about letting go.  Once I let go of the false guilt and responsibility that uBPDw was putting on me, it did change me a lot.  And that changed her - when she couldn't reach me through that channel anymore.
Logged

Live like you mean it.
nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #21 on: December 05, 2017, 02:14:59 PM »

Samwize, you said, "I have to decide what my point of "enough " is even without my wife's misbehavior to trigger it.  I think we might be in the same category.  I feel that nothing in the marriage meets my needs; passion, love, companionship, trust, intimacy, hopes, need, are all dead or so little as to be inconsequential.  I'm still waiting for my breaking point... ."

You nailed it.

That IS how I feel. I also analyze everything and allow my waves of emotions and thoughts to run their course before I make decisions, including how I actually feel about something. And so I know my thoughts and feelings are a product of a long time of allowing for reason to emerge... .you sound of a similar nature.

This is a second marriage for me.  In my first marriage (of 25 years) and in this one, my "normal" is to be open-hearted, loving, caring, understanding, giving the benefit of the doubt, and affectionate. I have always sought healthy bonding and connection with people, and in this marriage, I had hoped for a sweet treasure of friendship, love and trust. "Open-hearted" is me.  Now in this relationship I have closed myself, closed my heart in order to protect myself, and I don't feel I'm living in sincerity.  I'm going through motions in order to not rock the boat.

I feel I'm at a point now - and maybe there are elements of "healthy" about this - but at a point where I don't even want an intimate relationship of any kind, ever again.  You mentioned working on yourself.  For me, that means working on callousing myself to any harm the relationship can cause me, and focusing on being happy and healthy in other interests, work, self-improvement.  I don't like shutting myself down in that way, in a marriage when I have so much to give, so much love that could have been his.  But he took that gift away from me with his betrayal, and it's no longer there to give.

Someone here said trust can be rebuilt. I believe that can be true, but I don't believe it's true for me in this relationship.  At a time when he was telling me how I'm his "everything" (BPD hyperbole?) and that he loves me and only me, and when I was returning so much love and affection and was fully invested in our relationship, that's when he got torqued at one thing I innocently said and then he raged and cheated.

And this was at least the second time - I don't know if there have been other times.  So, at a time when he was professing his undying love and devotion in a way that seemed truly genuine to me... .how could I ever believe another word he says?  The boy cried wolf too many times.

Sorry for the ramble.  Thanks for listening, everyone.
Logged
nuthereggsheller
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 61


« Reply #22 on: December 05, 2017, 02:15:36 PM »

Cat,
LOL... .so I'm married to a jackass?
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #23 on: December 09, 2017, 11:35:22 AM »

Cat,
LOL... .so I'm married to a jackass?

You said it, not me.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Aesir
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 187



« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2017, 02:06:42 AM »

With my ex it was usually 2 to 3 months depending on triggers or her stress level.
Logged
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 854


« Reply #25 on: December 16, 2017, 08:25:39 PM »

"how long does 'good behavior' last"... .hmm

Wife and I nearly got divorced in July.  I told her it was over, we both saw attorneys, etc.  then she begged me not to go, apologized for the things that triggered our last fight, and I agreed we'd give it one more chance.

We've certainly had fights since then, and her general jealously/insecurity toward other women in my life has reared its head, but she seems to have learned to "catch herself" and would apologize, and we'd move on.

We had an absolutely miserable couple weeks around the holidays last year. while I've generally been happier with our marriage since July, it appears the "holiday craziness" might be rearing its head again.  

so for me... .about 4 1/2 months.

I had to leave the house, because today she just decided the rocking chair I've had all my life - and already agreed to keep more or less buried in my office at home - had to go, and when I got upset with her ultimatum, just endured a ride on the crazy train... .her dragging up things my mom or other family members did or said years ago, her accusing me of "yelling in front of the kids" and then when I apologized (even though as usual I wasn't yelling), she started screaming at me and dropping F BOMBS(!) (and of course we were still in front of the kids).

I peaced out and told her we could talk when she calmed down.  

if I have to endure another roller coaster ride like I did last xmas, I'm out.  it's over.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!