I woke up to a message saying that he has lost feelings for me

[Moviegirl131517]

Hey bpdfamily, I am once again at a loss. Things seemed to have been going better but then the drop happened again. So heres the situation... .

Ive been seeing my SO for almost three months now and he definitely has BPD, he admits it and then subsequently denies it - almost as though he doesn't know what to believe himself. In recent weeks, things will be going really well and then hell say "things are over" and then a couple days go by and things are fine again and then the cycle repeats.

The most recent example of this happened just this past week and into this morning. Last week, he was off from work and off from graduate school for the week for the holiday and everything was great and he kept talking how much he cares for me and gave me the chance to take things to the next level and put the word "relationship" to us - which I neglected to answer because it would only make it more painful when he goes through these peaks and valleys. Everything has been so good, until this morning. I woke up to a message saying that he has lost feelings for me as anything more than a friend despite telling me quite the opposite just last night.

My question is just about what I should do and how I should handle this. I have been reading countless articles and nothing seems to help me understand exactly whats going on or how to deal. I love this guy with everything I have and I don't want to give up on him but its hard to keep waiting in hopes that it'll get better but not knowing when that will happen.

Any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flourdust]

Having the big picture can be helpful. You seem to sense there's a pattern here. What does the pattern look like? What usually happens next?

It's not necessarily just a pattern of his behavior ... .what's the pattern of your reaction, and his response?

[Moviegirl131517]

The pattern is usually: he says this, I tell him I'll talk to him when he's feeling better, he tells me to leave him alone forever, I tell him no, well talk in a little bit Im not going to abandon you, then a couple hours go by and he's fine again and we go back to normal. Very rarely does it escalate to fighting with one another, its usually just me assuring him that things will be ok and we will get through this and that I understand he is going through a rough time but it'll be ok.

This has been happening more and more frequently as the end of his grad school semester nears and every time it happens, once we resolve things, he tells me it'll be better once the stress of school is over. I completely understand his being stressed but I don't understand why he has to take that stress out on me and behave this way. In recent weeks, when this happens, he tells me he doesn't want us to spend New Years Eve together - even though we made the plans over a month ago and it is non-refundable. He hasn't said that part yet so this time feels different - even less convincing than it usually is.

Im just at a loss on how to respond so I told him "I respect whatever position he is in today and where he stands and that it'll all be ok." He knows where I stand with my feelings and I have not pressured him to have the same feelings, even though I know he does but won't admit it currently for whatever reason. He hasn't said anything since so I am really not sure whats going on or what to think.

The last time, he got so out of control I was forced to call his mother because I was worried about him and his mental state and didn't know where else to turn. I don't want to be put in that position again so I am trying to nip this problem before it has the chance to escalate.

[flourdust]

The trouble with engaging like that is that it can provide a handy target for his negative feelings -- you!

What if instead of telling him you'll talk to him when he's feeling better (and thus giving him the target), you simply said, "I'm sorry you feel bad" and left him to deal with his feelings on his own?

I can tell you that stress doesn't end after grad school.  The common pattern with BPD is for these cycles to get more frequent/intense.

[AskingWhy]

Moviegirl, having a shaky sense of self is a huge diagnostic criterion for pwBPD, and your BF truly does not know himself coming or going.

BPDs can flip-flop in a matter of hours or even seconds and contradict themselves.  I am so sorry your are finding this confusing and painful.

At least you understand the dynamics at work.

You BF's inability to have consistent feelings for your is part of "splitting" behavior in BPD. 

If you have not already read this, it might help you to better understand splitting:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

BTW, what was the response of his mother to your call?  BPDs often have PD pathologies in other members of their families.   

[Moviegirl131517]

Flourdust: I have tried doing that and he just gets more and more angry until he forces me to respond by saying something so awful that he knows will cause a response from me. I am even trying to do exactly what he asks of me and leave him alone but he incessantly texts me until he hits a sore spot and I respond. I am really trying everything but nothing is good enough. He goes from saying he likes me and wants to take things to the next step and become exclusive to saying he doesn't see me as more than just a friend to liking me to telling me to get out of his life forever. Just an hour ago he was texting me all this stuff about how he cancelled our date for tomorrow night to go on a date with a different girl, just trying to get a rise out of me - this is what he does when he is in one of these valleys, he says anything and everything in an attempt to hurt me.

AskingWhy: His mother was very thankful that I contacted her and thanked me for being in his life and helping him through this despite the hurtful things he has said and done to me - he hasn't physically harmed me but he puts me through these "tests" such as going through all my personal documents on my computer to see how I'll react.

There is a history of other mental health problems in his family, what exactly they are I am not sure because he has yet to tell me. I am starting to find that these highs and lows have a direct correlation with his grad school class schedule. For example, he has been off from class since last Monday and everything has been great, the best its been since we started going out in September, but now he has class resuming tonight with a project due that he hasn't finished, and this happens.

I just don't know how to handle this. I am trying everything. From reacting to not reacting to be empathetic to distancing myself to validating him to everything else I could possibly try. Nothing seems to work and I just dont know what to do anymore. This behavior doesn't surprise me, because my mother also has BPD and is unmedicated and untreated for it, but these swings have been getting worse and worse and more and more out of control as the months go by and as the end of the school semester approaches. I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt that when school is over, it'll get better but Im starting to lose faith.

 

[flourdust]

This relationship is just a few months old, is that right?

[Moviegirl131517]

Yes. We have known each other for almost 9 years but didn’t take things to the relationship bound level until September

[flourdust]

What was your relationship like when you weren't dating? Did you see this side of his personality before, either in how he treated you or others?

[Moviegirl131517]

We actually lost contact for 4+ years while we were both away at college. We reconnected this past summer and spoke briefly before he asked me out the first time. I made him wait 3 weeks before agreeing to go on a date with him because I had feelings for him back in high school and I knew he had just gotten out of a relationship when he asked me out in August.

But, no, I did not see this side of him until about a month after we started dating. It started slowly - having an incident once a week when he was stressed trying to finish homework while fighting a deadline. But then, at the start of November is when the really bad incidents started and were completely unprovoked and out of the blue.

[flourdust]

So, it sounds like there might be a messy rebound going on here -- he asked you out just after getting out of his last relationship. Any sense of what happened there, and how he's reacting to it?

You mentioned you've been doing a lot of reading -- have you taken a look at the lessons on the right side of this page. They are tailored to those who are trying to figure out how they can address problems in their relationships. Anything there resonate with you?

[Moviegirl131517]

Sorry for the lack of response, I had an injury this past week that resulted in a lot of time spent in the hospital.

In terms of being a rebound, that was one of the first things I asked him - because it was my fear and I definitely did NOT want to be a rebound. After I asked him, he assured me that I was not and that he was taking "precautionary measures" to make sure I wasn't i.e. only seeing me once a week, not putting a label on anything too quickly, etc.

His last relationship was a messy one. Supposedly his ex also had BPD which lead to a lot of conflict in the relationship. They dated for a total of four and a half months. Moved in together after two months and by the fourth were talking about getting engaged. It all moved REALLY fast. After the break up, he wasn't handling it well at all - he was talking about her a lot and when he would see her in person at different social events, he would be overcome with emotions of missing her and wanting to get back together with her. This persisted until about a month ago. At this point, he assured me he was 100% over her and proceeded to block her on all social media platforms and "show me off" whenever we have been around her. They have not talked since and I can tell that he is finally over her.

There was another incident last weekend in which he told me he wanted us to end our friendship and relationship after NYE and that when the new year hit, we would no longer talk. I went along with it, agreed to do whatever he thought was best and he flipped the script again and apologized for saying such a thing and said it wasn't what he wanted - told me the things I had wanted to hear. That was on Saturday.

Since then, he has been ok. Im still not sure when to expect the next flip but I can tell its coming so I am keeping him at arms length for the time being. He agreed the other day to stop trying to sabotage the relationship and to just let things happen as they will so we will see if that really is the case.

Yes, I have been reading up on literature as frequently as my schedule allows. I have tried implementing many of the tools on the right side of the page but nothing seems to work. Im trying everything I possibly can, to no avail.

[AskingWhy]

Moviegirl, take care of yourself.  I hope you recover soon.

I am pleased you are reading and implementing some of the tools you find here and elsewhere.

You have seemed to have reached an understanding with your partner, and that's a good thing.  You can only deal with each episode as it comes.

Take care and get well soon.

[pearlsw]

Hi Moviegirl,

Your story reminds me a lot of my partner. He was very off and on like this when we first met. I saw that a lot of it was related to stress. When stress got particularly high I was tossed overboard. It is hard because you don't know which person (it only feels like there are two, there's just one) to believe - the one that wants you or the one that tosses you away. It has been very hard to feel any sense of security or as if I am in real relationship even after many years. Breakups mean one thing to me and another to him.

The tools here can help - simply depersonalizing the behaviors can make you feel better. Does he have any awareness of the pattern here? Does he ever ask himself why he does or feel bad about it? My partner has a lot of shame and guilt related to his behavior. He actually says he does not mean such things, his breakups, but still... .he does it again and again.  It always feels real to me.

[Moviegirl131517]

Pearlsw,
I’m glad you understand what exactly I’m talking about. It’s so overwhelming! I told him the other day that I have come to understand what triggers him to act the way he does: any stress relating to school. When I said this he got mad at “ended” things once again. To me, a break up means the end of a relationship, done and final. With him, he says were done and over and then he blocks me on all social media platforms and then 2-3 hours later sends me an email and we talk things through and get back on track.
He claims not to feel remorse or the need to apologize but he does so anyway and we move forward. It’s just so overwhelming having to walk on eggshells because I don’t know what the next thing is going to be that sets him off. I try to depersonalize and not worry as much but every time, like you said, the breakups feel so real and despite my best efforts I’m on the phone crying to my girlfriends about how hurt I am and how it isn’t fair. I just don’t know what to do anymore. This recent “breakup” on Wednesday afternoon, has been the longest yet. We’re still talking via email but he has not unblocked me yet - he won’t even unblock my phone number and text me this time. I’m not sure what more to do other than continue to give him space until he’s ready to come back around.